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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel excluded from a 'mums night out'

81 replies

Poppins2016 · 12/02/2022 23:59

I'm a member of a group of relatively new friends and we keep in touch through a WhatsApp chat (as well as in person).

We all agreed that we'd like to go for a 'mums night out' sometime soon (we usually see each other with children in tow). There aren't many of us and we've been able to agree on a date easily in the past.

A couple of dates were suggested. The majority said they could make date 1. I said I couldn't, so asked whether date 2 would work.

Lady A said she couldn't make date 2.

Someone else suggested an activity on date 3, which everyone (including me) expressed interest in.

Lady A (not the person who actually suggested the night out, in case it's relevant) responded to say that we should 'go for date 1 this time as she'd already booked it' (without confirming anything first or checking to see whether I minded missing out...).

This feels like a 'big deal' to me, but I suspect there's an element of PND/PNA clouding my judgement... I admit I burst into tears when I read that I was the only person who would be excluded from the group meet up. The friendship group is quite new and I haven't said anything because I don't want to become known as oversensitive/overreacting/'that' person... I joined the group as making/maintaining new friends and a social network is important to me at the moment, even though I find it difficult (from an anxiety point of view).

So I suppose I'm wondering how people without clouded judgement might view this.

AIBU to think that a group meet up should be held on a mutually convenient date for all the people who want to go?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 13/02/2022 00:02

It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with Lady A being pushy and self interested.

She wanted date 1 so she made it happen.

Just comment lightly "Ah well, I'm missing out on this one but you can all tell me about it and I'll look forward to the next!" sort of thing and don't let one bossy woman put you off or make you feel bad.

It's nothing to do with who you are or anything.

Thewindwhispers · 13/02/2022 00:06

It was rude of her but is nothing to do with you personally. There’s an unwritten rule that whoever is booking the venue chooses the date, however much they pretend otherwise…

Send a polite mesaage as above and then in a couple of weeks say you’re going to X on Y date and would anyone like to come.

ClariceQuiff · 13/02/2022 00:06

I'd be very pissed off in your shoes and would probably have said something to that effect.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/02/2022 00:07

It’s normal for some to miss out of nights out, it’s the luck of the draw.

You go next time it’s organized. I’m sure they like you, just doesn’t work out this time.

Try and meet a few one to one for coffee and they can tell you about it.

harbourlane · 13/02/2022 00:11

You haven't been excluded though? You just couldn't make the date everybody else could. Next time organise it yourself to have more control over the date!

VanCleefArpels · 13/02/2022 00:13

You will never find a date/time to suit everyone in a group like this. It’s not personal. Make sure you organise the next one!

ScrumptiousBears · 13/02/2022 00:14

Oh I had similar but with a half term get together. I mentioned I didn't have my DC on a given day as they were with their dad and low and behold one of the mums later mentioned we all get the kids together on that day. Call me paranoid but this mum went from good friends to hardly speaking to me a few months ago. I have no idea why so I think it was convenient. She can crack on as I don't play games like that. Far too old 🤣.

It is tough though OP when you think you're deliberately being left out.

sadpapercourtesan · 13/02/2022 00:15

She was rude, and others will have noticed that. I'd rise above it if I were you and just make sure you can do the next one.

Aria999 · 13/02/2022 00:17

It's a shame but as long as they also have nights out with you, you can probably shrug it off.

Lady A May turn out to be hard work though.

I am in America and I was trying to arrange to see my mom group from the UK when we were back over there, one of them kind of pushed to do it (successfully) at a time I couldn't do, and tbh I have never really liked her since. But the others are lovely and there was no malice in it.

Lindy2 · 13/02/2022 00:31

It can be really difficult finding a date everyone can do although booking it before confirming numbers was a bit quick off the mark.

How many are in the group? If it's 3 or 4 then missing one person out is a bit off. If it's 6 or 7+ then I'd say it's not that unusual for someone to not go along.

If it's that important to you to be there can you change your existing plans so you can go along too?

Original poster
Poppins2016 · 13/02/2022 01:00

Thank you for the responses, I was gearing up to be told I was ragingly unreasonable, but have actually received some lovely reassurance that my feelings are valid (but also to try to let this pass and not take it too personally).

Unfortunately I can't rearrange anything so that I can go (despite wanting to because bonding with these new friends is something I really want to make time for). The other event that clashes is a special occasion for a family member and has been booked into my diary for months.

I'll definitely try to take control of organising next time and make sure that everyone who says they want to go can do so. I'll also speak up if the same scenario happens again (whether to me or anyone else), but hopefully that won't be an issue...

OP posts:
LawnFever · 13/02/2022 01:04

Why don’t you reply and say, I’m still free date 3, if anyone else wants to do Xx then let me know?

And arrange something that date as well? I don’t think you’ve been excluded, the person organising just wanted a date that worked for her x

Original poster
Poppins2016 · 13/02/2022 01:17

@LawnFever

Why don’t you reply and say, I’m still free date 3, if anyone else wants to do Xx then let me know?

And arrange something that date as well? I don’t think you’ve been excluded, the person organising just wanted a date that worked for her x

Good suggestion. I considered that... however date 3 is the day immediately before date 2 and would mean two consecutive nights out in a row, so it's very unlikely that anyone would be up for doing it (what with young children/babies etc)... If they were a week or two apart it would be different and I'd definitely suggest it!
OP posts:
lumpofcomfort · 13/02/2022 01:19

You will never find a date/time to suit everyone in a group like this.

Sounds like they had found a date everyone could make, date 3, but one lady insisted on booking date 1.

Original poster
Poppins2016 · 13/02/2022 01:38

@lumpofcomfort

You will never find a date/time to suit everyone in a group like this.

Sounds like they had found a date everyone could make, date 3, but one lady insisted on booking date 1.

Yes, that's right.

...plus we've found dates to suit everyone in the past and it really doesn't take that much effort to say 'OK, how about we throw a couple more dates into the mix' (which is what I would have done and perhaps should have insisted upon doing in hindsight, but too much time has lapsed now and it would mean asking A to cancel the booking which has the potential to cause trouble/bad feeling).

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 13/02/2022 01:45

@Poppins2016

I'm a member of a group of relatively new friends and we keep in touch through a WhatsApp chat (as well as in person).

We all agreed that we'd like to go for a 'mums night out' sometime soon (we usually see each other with children in tow). There aren't many of us and we've been able to agree on a date easily in the past.

A couple of dates were suggested. The majority said they could make date 1. I said I couldn't, so asked whether date 2 would work.

Lady A said she couldn't make date 2.

Someone else suggested an activity on date 3, which everyone (including me) expressed interest in.

Lady A (not the person who actually suggested the night out, in case it's relevant) responded to say that we should 'go for date 1 this time as she'd already booked it' (without confirming anything first or checking to see whether I minded missing out...).

This feels like a 'big deal' to me, but I suspect there's an element of PND/PNA clouding my judgement... I admit I burst into tears when I read that I was the only person who would be excluded from the group meet up. The friendship group is quite new and I haven't said anything because I don't want to become known as oversensitive/overreacting/'that' person... I joined the group as making/maintaining new friends and a social network is important to me at the moment, even though I find it difficult (from an anxiety point of view).

So I suppose I'm wondering how people without clouded judgement might view this.

AIBU to think that a group meet up should be held on a mutually convenient date for all the people who want to go?

It's thoughtless but hopefully nothing more, yanbu to be upset though.
5YearsLeft · 13/02/2022 01:58

I voted YABU because I do think, very gently, YABU to feel excluded; I don’t think this was intentional, though I agree with others that Lady A does sound pushy. But no, YANBU to feel upset. It’s only natural. You’re trying to make new friends, it can be so difficult already, we all want to feel included, and then add in that you mentioned PND - that’s a lot of emotions. So it’s valid for you to have feelings; we all have feelings. But I would not say the group as a whole is trying to exclude you. More that Lady A is a bit controlling and thoughtless. If she, in particular, does this again about an event (you are all discussing dates and then she suddenly announces she’s booked one of them that is, surprise, convenient for her), then I think you need to speak up.

irishfarmer · 13/02/2022 01:59

I don't think YABU to feel left out, I would. The 3rd date suited everyone but the other mum pushed for the date she clearly preferred. I wouldn't take it personally though. For what ever reason, she wanted that first date to go ahead and pushed it through.

I don't think I'd say anything, but maybe if she just rail roads in future say something like "thanks for booking, but since date 3 is the only one that suits everyone could you change the reservation for that date?" you said probably a bit too much time has lapsed now

Flickflak · 13/02/2022 02:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2022 07:15

I seem to be in the minority here, but I think YABU

It's a pain in the neck to go round in circles finding a date / time / venue that suits everyone in a group. For a loose group of "mum friends", I think much easier to find a date that suits some people and run with that

In your case, someone suggested date 1, it suited most people, and you detailed the conversation by suggesting an alternative date. If I had suggested date 1, I'd be a bit irritated with you. Better to say "unfortunately, I'm not available on date 1, but you go ahead and I'll look forward to catching up with you all next time"

I don't think you've been excluded, it's not personal

notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2022 07:17

^ Derailed the conversation

londonrach · 13/02/2022 07:20

You not excluded...you can't make the date. We similar group and know everyone can't go so choose the date where most can go

Tickledtrout · 13/02/2022 07:27

Timing is everything. If it isn't yet set in stone, jump in and say "oh no! That's the one day I can't do.
And I'm really looking forward to us all catching up. Pleeeease let's do date 3Smile"

MrsGHarrison87 · 13/02/2022 07:41

Are these school mum friendships? If so that's not real friendship and will dissolve sooner or later. Try not to read too much into this.

AuntieStella · 13/02/2022 07:48

@lumpofcomfort

You will never find a date/time to suit everyone in a group like this.

Sounds like they had found a date everyone could make, date 3, but one lady insisted on booking date 1.

Yes, that's why it's hurtful

And I agree that the only course of action that does not cut off your nose to spite your face is anything along the lines of what FortunesFave said: "Just comment lightly "Ah well, I'm missing out on this one but you can all tell me about it and I'll look forward to the next!"

And I hope this is just a blip.