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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel excluded from a 'mums night out'

81 replies

Poppins2016 · 12/02/2022 23:59

I'm a member of a group of relatively new friends and we keep in touch through a WhatsApp chat (as well as in person).

We all agreed that we'd like to go for a 'mums night out' sometime soon (we usually see each other with children in tow). There aren't many of us and we've been able to agree on a date easily in the past.

A couple of dates were suggested. The majority said they could make date 1. I said I couldn't, so asked whether date 2 would work.

Lady A said she couldn't make date 2.

Someone else suggested an activity on date 3, which everyone (including me) expressed interest in.

Lady A (not the person who actually suggested the night out, in case it's relevant) responded to say that we should 'go for date 1 this time as she'd already booked it' (without confirming anything first or checking to see whether I minded missing out...).

This feels like a 'big deal' to me, but I suspect there's an element of PND/PNA clouding my judgement... I admit I burst into tears when I read that I was the only person who would be excluded from the group meet up. The friendship group is quite new and I haven't said anything because I don't want to become known as oversensitive/overreacting/'that' person... I joined the group as making/maintaining new friends and a social network is important to me at the moment, even though I find it difficult (from an anxiety point of view).

So I suppose I'm wondering how people without clouded judgement might view this.

AIBU to think that a group meet up should be held on a mutually convenient date for all the people who want to go?

OP posts:
Flabbyflabberghasted · 13/02/2022 08:45

Ps. Not ‘mad’ or ‘needy’. You have your reasons. It’s not nice feeling left out. Totally fine to be upset but try not to take it personally.

Flabbyflabberghasted · 13/02/2022 08:47

As you get to know the group more you will learn how to navigate certain individuals and their funny ways and people will start to be sensitive to your needs as they get to know you! You do need to brush off pushy people though. They’re not gonna change so just humour them (in your head)

Mermaidwaves · 13/02/2022 08:51

New friendship groups can be tricky, it doesnt sound like its evolved over time naturally, more it's a new thing? I say this with kindness but be wary of putting too much attachment to this group. I know as adults it's hard to make friends and it can be exciting when you meet potential people, but it's unlikely a newly formed group will all bond equally. You will get a few who will become closer and who will splinter off.

Just try and enjoy meeting these new friends and not put too much emphasis on things like this. True friendships may develop over time, it cant be rushed.

Sharrowgirl · 13/02/2022 08:53

I’m chief organiser in my group and I would never do what Lady A has done here. We find a date everyone can do, however long it takes, as that’s the point of the get together. That we get together.

You’re right to feel a bit miffed, she was rude and dismissive of you. Could she do date 3?

Darbs76 · 13/02/2022 08:53

It’s often the case that 1 or 2 people can’t make it and people go with a majority as another time will come along. Some people can be pushy and that’s what’s happened here. Can you post to say you’d really like to join so can you do date C

AtLeastPretendToCare · 13/02/2022 08:55

Yes it’s annoying but you need to let it go. Organising group events is tricky and I hate it when you go around and around trying to find something that suits everyone. I just accept that I won’t be able to make them all.

Fellrunner85 · 13/02/2022 09:03

I’m chief organiser in my group and I would never do what Lady A has done here. We find a date everyone can do, however long it takes

All friendship groups are different. My friends and I could never include everyone as we're too busy. If we waited until every single person was free then we would literally never meet up. One or two people can't make it each time - that's normal and that's ok. What isn't normal is if those people then cry over it. It's not personal.

Sharrowgirl · 13/02/2022 09:07

@Fellrunner85

I’m chief organiser in my group and I would never do what Lady A has done here. We find a date everyone can do, however long it takes

All friendship groups are different. My friends and I could never include everyone as we're too busy. If we waited until every single person was free then we would literally never meet up. One or two people can't make it each time - that's normal and that's ok. What isn't normal is if those people then cry over it. It's not personal.

To be fair, I’m thinking of a particular group that is five of us. Agree that a group of 20 school mums would be different, you’d just pick a date the most could do. But I don’t think that’s happened here, it sounds more like six people than twenty?
BobbinHood · 13/02/2022 09:12

In my friendship group if we waited for the date everyone was available, we’d never see each other.

When was date 3? If date 1 was Thursday, date 2 was Friday and date 3 was Saturday then it would be reasonable to wait for Saturday.

But if date 3 is in another month, it’s not unreasonable to go for the first one. Something else would happen by the time you get to date 3 meaning someone else couldn’t come and by the “everyone must be able to attend” logic you’d then have to look for another date…and so on and so on into eternity.

LazySaturday · 13/02/2022 09:15

I completely get why this would upset you. It would have been nice if Lady A had tried harder to include everybody. However, this wasn't personal in any way, she was clearly invested in this specific date/location and didn't want to change.
Next time be proactive with the organising, that way you can make sure you're at the centre of things.

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 09:53

It’s often the case that 1 or 2 people can’t make it and people go with a majority as another time will come along.
But Date 1 only OP couldn’t make; date 2 only Lady A couldn’t make – so the dates were equal, one person missing out on each. Yet OP didn’t quickly book something for date 2 and announce that they were going forward with it to Lady A’s exclusion. And it sounds as though everyone could do date 3.

Cam2020 · 13/02/2022 10:01

Another time, it'll be someone else that can't make it. You could waste several months waiting for a date that everyone can make. In that time, several meet ups could have taken place with whoever was available.

I'm sure it wasn't a deliberate snub.

Chestofdraws · 13/02/2022 10:07

I think maybe the fact you cried because you couldn’t go is a sign of your overall mood right now. It’s not deliberate, it’s not an exclusion, please try to reframe it. It’s just you can’t make the preferred date, that’s all.

Howshouldibehave · 13/02/2022 10:09

I think that’s really rude of her and other people will have noticed!

I’d reply-‘Oh what a shame, I thought everyone could make date 3?! As I said, I can’t do date X, so won’t be able to make this one-sorry.’

LimeSegment · 13/02/2022 11:16

Yanbu to be privately a little annoyed, but I do see A's position. I'm often the organiser for a group of friends, not because I love doing so but because no one else usually does. If we can agree a date that most can come (a big if), I usually end up calling the restaurant or whatever 3-4 times to change the date, numbers, special requests, etc etc. It can be annoying.

I've realised the best way is to basically say "here's the plan, who's in?".

Don't forget, the person organising the meet up is putting themselves out there, the stress that maybe no one will be interested or the meet up will be a flop.

Send a message out in a few weeks organising something else.

chantico · 13/02/2022 11:19

Well there was a date where everyone could go. But the one where only the OP cannot go was chosen instead.

Poor show. It's hurtful

But you don't have any choice than to suck it up and put as happy a face on it as you can.

Stanleyville · 13/02/2022 11:30

How far apart are date 1 and 3? Can the group do both?

Toanewstart23 · 13/02/2022 11:33

@chantico

Well there was a date where everyone could go. But the one where only the OP cannot go was chosen instead.

Poor show. It's hurtful

But you don't have any choice than to suck it up and put as happy a face on it as you can.

There wasn’t Date 3 “everyone expressed interest in” ie no one confirmed either way
watchtheglitterdustswirl · 13/02/2022 11:33

It depends how many people there are, in all honesty.

I organised an end of term meal with our mums group. 16 of us. It was a total pain in the arse and in the end we went with the date that 12 of us could make.

No one was deliberately excluded but I went with what the majority could do.

If it's under 5 people it's easier I think but then I have a group of long standing friends also that is 5 and it's even a nightmare trying to get a date we can all do, we have to do it at least six weeks in advance! Everyone is busy.

In this occasion you can make it. Unless it happens again and again I wouldn't worry about it or take it personally.

LyndaLaHughes · 13/02/2022 11:36

Actually I think this woman is being vile. She wasn't even the organiser and booked something that suited her without everyone responding yet?
I would I say back- can we not do date 3 please as everyone is available on that date so as not to exclude anyone.

Toanewstart23 · 13/02/2022 11:38

You’ve found dates in the past
This is the first time it’s happened
And this is your reaction?

chiickenandchiips · 13/02/2022 11:39

With my groups of friends we keep going until we find a date that suits everyone, unless anybody bows out and says they genuinely don't mind missing out that time if it is getting really and it's them causing the difficulty making dates everyone else can.

Dillydollydingdong · 13/02/2022 11:49

We try hard to accommodate everyone but at the end of the day, if one or two people can't make it, we arrange a date that suits the majority., Otherwise we'd never do anything. Nothing personal I'm sure, OP.

LimeSegment · 13/02/2022 11:59

With my groups of friends we keep going until we find a date that suits everyone

The problem is that could be months away. Why not have two (or more) meet ups in that time. OK if it's a group of old friends that meets once a year, but that's not OPs situation.

chiickenandchiips · 13/02/2022 12:14

@LimeSegment

With my groups of friends we keep going until we find a date that suits everyone

The problem is that could be months away. Why not have two (or more) meet ups in that time. OK if it's a group of old friends that meets once a year, but that's not OPs situation.

As I said, someone tends to bow out before it gets to that point if it's them causing the difficulty. Generally we can find a time that suits everyone within the next month or two and we always plan ahead and not last minute.

We wouldn't pick a date that excluded one person when there was another date everyone could do, on the say so of one selfish person.

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