Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel excluded from a 'mums night out'

81 replies

Poppins2016 · 12/02/2022 23:59

I'm a member of a group of relatively new friends and we keep in touch through a WhatsApp chat (as well as in person).

We all agreed that we'd like to go for a 'mums night out' sometime soon (we usually see each other with children in tow). There aren't many of us and we've been able to agree on a date easily in the past.

A couple of dates were suggested. The majority said they could make date 1. I said I couldn't, so asked whether date 2 would work.

Lady A said she couldn't make date 2.

Someone else suggested an activity on date 3, which everyone (including me) expressed interest in.

Lady A (not the person who actually suggested the night out, in case it's relevant) responded to say that we should 'go for date 1 this time as she'd already booked it' (without confirming anything first or checking to see whether I minded missing out...).

This feels like a 'big deal' to me, but I suspect there's an element of PND/PNA clouding my judgement... I admit I burst into tears when I read that I was the only person who would be excluded from the group meet up. The friendship group is quite new and I haven't said anything because I don't want to become known as oversensitive/overreacting/'that' person... I joined the group as making/maintaining new friends and a social network is important to me at the moment, even though I find it difficult (from an anxiety point of view).

So I suppose I'm wondering how people without clouded judgement might view this.

AIBU to think that a group meet up should be held on a mutually convenient date for all the people who want to go?

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 07:52

You will get a lot of people saying yabu but you're not. It's shit of them to leave you out, especially when there WAS a date everyone could manage (wish people would start actually reading threads before they reply).

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/02/2022 07:55

@MrsGHarrison87 not necessarily! I still meet up with school mums and our DCs are all in their 20s!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/02/2022 07:55

OP why don’t you suggest another date/time for a night out so you’re more in control of the timing?

hattie43 · 13/02/2022 07:56

I think when there's a few of you it's often hard to find a date everyone is free. It maybe down the line someone else can't make a date .
Certainly nothing to cry about , you can't make this date , so move on they'll be others .

Boombastic22 · 13/02/2022 07:57

YABU. You’ll not always find a date to suit everyone, just one is impressive.

In fact you having other things to do is going to make you more interesting etc. You do seem very anxious and overthinking, posting on mumsnet is quite extreme. For new friends very important to not seem like a drain.

RoseAndRose · 13/02/2022 07:59

@hattie43

I think when there's a few of you it's often hard to find a date everyone is free. It maybe down the line someone else can't make a date . Certainly nothing to cry about , you can't make this date , so move on they'll be others .
But there was a date when everyone was free .....
arethereanyleftatall · 13/02/2022 08:01

@MrsGHarrison87

Are these school mum friendships? If so that's not real friendship and will dissolve sooner or later. Try not to read too much into this.
Eh? What an odd thing to write. You can meet lifelong friends anywhere.
ZenNudist · 13/02/2022 08:01

I have a uni group which meets 1-2 times a year max and we do try and get everyone but it's increasingly impossible and that's a friendship group of 25 years.

For school mum groups not only can you not get a date for everyone, but also you can get everyone who says they will come to come. You find a date that suits the majority and book it. Hopefully going out 2-3 times a year but I'm guessing some groups go out more. My school mum groups are very irregular and usually it's something the school have organised.

Don't take it personally!

Teeturtle · 13/02/2022 08:02

You cannot make the date, if you were able to change your plans you could go too, so you are not excluded; excluded would mean you are not invited. I think the other lady was pushy rather than downright rude.

Let it go. Send a message saying that you look forward to next time. I wouldn’t try to organise a rival meet up, I think that would look a bit petty, just wait for the next one and chances are you will be able to go.

ChocolateMassacre · 13/02/2022 08:05

You need to stop feeling left out and take charge. You can't make date 1 - fine, you're a bit disappointed (and I agree the group should have rearranged for date 3).

But someone suggested an activity that you are interested in for date 3. You don't think date 3 itself will work because it's too close to date 1, but get in touch with the person who suggested the activity, arrange a date that would suit you both to do this and then invite the rest of the group if they'd like to come.

ZenNudist · 13/02/2022 08:06

Was the date everyone was free in a month or something? It's nice to do something relatively spontaneous without having to schedule weeks ahead.

stuntbubbles · 13/02/2022 08:07

I would have replied “I’m sure they can move the booking to Date 3, which we can all make – let us know and we’ll get it in the diary!”

Then she has no choice but to either rearrange to the date everyone can do, or openly say in the group that she won’t do it, and however well she twists it it’ll be clear she’s excluding you.

Gilly12345 · 13/02/2022 08:07

You were not excluded as you are in the group chat, unfortunately you couldn’t make the date, hopefully next time you will, I wouldn’t get too upset over this as always you have to go with the majority.

Surely you have other friends to socialise with as well?
School Mums are often not the easiest friendships.

Bananarama21 · 13/02/2022 08:09

They went with the majority which is normal in big groups. There's always going to be one person who can't make it.

pictish · 13/02/2022 08:13

@Teeturtle

You cannot make the date, if you were able to change your plans you could go too, so you are not excluded; excluded would mean you are not invited. I think the other lady was pushy rather than downright rude.

Let it go. Send a message saying that you look forward to next time. I wouldn’t try to organise a rival meet up, I think that would look a bit petty, just wait for the next one and chances are you will be able to go.

This.

Lady A may emerge as a self-serving, pushy type but as it stands atm she hasn’t done anything very wrong. I think you’re being idealistic to imagine the group will stick to dates when everyone can make it. If you’re going to become a longer term established social group there will always be one or two who don’t or can’t make whatever dates are proposed. On this occasion it’s you.

Keep an eye on Lady A…but don’t be too put out about this one.

ThisIsBanana5 · 13/02/2022 08:14

It's not clear if Lady A said she can do date 3? You say others said yes then she said 'let's go for date 1', I assumed that's because she couldn't do date 3? I'm a bit on the fence because if nobody makes the decision you can faff about for ages and never actually book anything so nobody gets to meet up. Although she was rude to pick the date you couldn't do, instead of offering to sit this one out.

For the future, use Doodle. You can put in a load of dates and send a link for everyone to tick the ones they can do, then go for the one that suits the most.

Thatsplentyjack · 13/02/2022 08:19

@Bananarama21

They went with the majority which is normal in big groups. There's always going to be one person who can't make it.
What majority?
HMG107 · 13/02/2022 08:27

This isn't how my friends operate. If we were all free on night three that's the night we'd be going out as we wouldn't want anyone to be excluded.

Lady A sounds insecure. It wouldn't suprise me if she'd deliberately behaving like this to achieve a sense of power and control.

I'd want to highlight her behviour and reply "I'm gutted this is when I'm unavailble, I'd already started to get excited for date xx. I hope you all have good time and hope to see you soon"

Has anyone shown you support on the group chat and challanged her behaviour reiterating date 3 works for all? Or at least has anyone messaged you individually and suggested you meet seperatly seen as you cant make the group meet up?

This might be a one off but it could also be an early warning that these aren't the right people for you.

MattDillonsEyebrows · 13/02/2022 08:31

I think this thread has proved to me why our women’s WhatsApp group rarely go out, and then mens one is always organising stuff.

I realise it takes more effort for women to go out, it’s rare that they will say as the men do ‘I’m just popping to the pub, anyone free to join me’, but (and I mean this very gently) crying becasue you can’t make this date? That’s going to make everyone feel awkward and not want to bother organising anything! I do realise they won’t know you cried, but it will be clear you’re upset and women rarely actually want to upset anyone.

People like ‘A’ who pp have described in lovely, womanly terms such as ‘pushy’ are the reason things get organised. I’m not an A because I’m too lazy, but I do appreciate their value. However, even A’s won’t intend to upset people, they just want to get something organised. The problem is when everyone starts throwing dates around, it gets too confusing, so it’s easier just to pluck one and say, ‘let’s do it then’. It really won’t be personal.

However, that being said, I do understand the hurt. A way round it might be to arrange a date with one other person, then put it to the group saying ‘we’re going to do this, does anyone else want to come?’, then if no one else can make it, it’s fine because something is already organised and if others can come, then great!

LittleSnakes · 13/02/2022 08:31

Yeah I’d be a bit upset if it was new friends. Also, don’t know why someone said that it’s mum friends so it’ll fizzle out. I’ve made some good mum friends that have lasted.

Just let it go this time and be in charge of arranging the date next time. And then this… Keep an eye on Lady A…but don’t be too put out about this one.

Toanewstart23 · 13/02/2022 08:32

How many times have you been out with them?

Next time - you own it and instigate and suggest and book

notanothertakeaway · 13/02/2022 08:40

@HMG107

This isn't how my friends operate. If we were all free on night three that's the night we'd be going out as we wouldn't want anyone to be excluded.

Lady A sounds insecure. It wouldn't suprise me if she'd deliberately behaving like this to achieve a sense of power and control.

I'd want to highlight her behviour and reply "I'm gutted this is when I'm unavailble, I'd already started to get excited for date xx. I hope you all have good time and hope to see you soon"

Has anyone shown you support on the group chat and challanged her behaviour reiterating date 3 works for all? Or at least has anyone messaged you individually and suggested you meet seperatly seen as you cant make the group meet up?

This might be a one off but it could also be an early warning that these aren't the right people for you.

@HMG107 For a close knit group, yes, I'd keep looking for a date all 4 could manage

But not for a looser group of school mums

If OP makes a song and dance about this, she'll be perceived as difficult

Findingthelight1 · 13/02/2022 08:40

I think you really need to chill out here, for the good of your own sanity.
You weren't excluded; you're in the WhatsApp group and were invited. Plus you've been out with them several times before (which in itself seems quite full on for what you describe as a new friendship, but ok).

A more measured reaction would've been to think "oh I couldn't make this one, I'll go next time." Bursting into tears and then posting on MN is...a bit mad tbh. And very needy. I think taking the emotional drama down a few notches will make you more happy and secure in the long run.

Flabbyflabberghasted · 13/02/2022 08:44

You should organise the next one and give a choice of two or three dates that you can do, so you can definitely go to one of the chose ones. Just be clear in the message. ‘Was gutted to miss the last one, would love to see you all. Here are some suggestions of dates I can make’

JackieCollinshasnoauthority · 13/02/2022 08:45

Just make sure you organise the next one.