Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH picked up DD after a pint

84 replies

Yolo89 · 12/02/2022 20:04

Exactly that. DD does gymnastics and DH was keen to pick her up at 12.30 today.

When he got home I heard him in deep sleep, snoring. I thought this is weird so asked if he'd been to the pub and he says yes. A pint before picking up. Then he kept falling asleep saying he didn't sleep last night - he doesn't live here at the moment .

Drinking during the day with children is unacceptable and falling asleep.

He has a drinking issue but this day drinking is a new low. He does not live here. What on earth do I do in terms of restrictions on DD?

He just gets angry if I mention the pint.

I'd like to know what options practically I have to stop this.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 12/02/2022 22:46

From what you've said, OP, my concern would be that he's drunk most of the time that he's looking after DD. And that's unlikely to be good for her. It increases the chances of something bad happening to her (because his judgement won't be as good as it would if he were sober, but more importantly because an alcoholic generally finds it impossible to prioritise their loved ones over their addiction) and it sets a bad example that increases her own chances of becoming an addict later in life.

How old is DD? What's the situation re: access? Is it currently court ordered? Why is he in a position to fall asleep on your couch? Do you rely on him to pick for childcare?

I think you need to think about whether you can ensure his contact is fairly low level and always supervised.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 12/02/2022 23:06

One pint here in England that's fine.
No more though.
Usually if you're asleep on the sofa after just one though you're obviously not used to it and aren't safe to drive!

Original poster
Yolo89 · 12/02/2022 23:19

Number theory - basically he moved out twice during lockdown and this time around has been since last March. He is thinking and I was thinking he could move back bit now I think no. As this is more a MH and alcohol issue related to physical disability ive been trying to support and he homes here to help look after children and try and be like a normal family . But it's clear it can't be. The children don't like going to his place . There are two. I don't know how to logistically /practically work it with children if he cannot access the house. it's a mess and I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Kite22 · 12/02/2022 23:24

You might get more helpful answers if you started a new thread - in relationships - about what the issue actually is.

Your thread title has had everyone - quite understandably - questioning if he should be driving after drinking, and this isn't what it is about at all.

kittensinthekitchen · 12/02/2022 23:37

I agree with starting a new thread - In Relationships - and being open about the situation.

Do you want to leave him? There are some fantastic people here and elsewhere who can help you do that.

You cannot, and will not change him, though.

2pinkginsplease · 12/02/2022 23:39

The alcohol limit should be zero. It should not be acceptable to be able to have any alcohol and drive.

I’d be furious if anyone picked my children up in a car after they had been drinking, i couldn’t care less if it was only 1 pint.!!

Chichimcgee · 12/02/2022 23:44

@2pinkginsplease

He wasn’t driving though

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 12/02/2022 23:52

If he has issues with alcohol he’s almost definitely underplaying how much he’s drank- 1 pint my arse. If he doesn’t live with you then boundaries need to be in place- he can go fall asleep on his own sofa, not yours. If you ever suspect he is driving while over the limit report him straight away. I wouldn’t let my kids be driven by anyone who I thought was over the limit, including their other parent- can get as angry as they like.

NumberTheory · 13/02/2022 00:56

@Yolo89

Number theory - basically he moved out twice during lockdown and this time around has been since last March. He is thinking and I was thinking he could move back bit now I think no. As this is more a MH and alcohol issue related to physical disability ive been trying to support and he homes here to help look after children and try and be like a normal family . But it's clear it can't be. The children don't like going to his place . There are two. I don't know how to logistically /practically work it with children if he cannot access the house. it's a mess and I don't know what to do
That's really hard Yolo. I think you need to start trying to work out what sort of life you want for you and the kids long term. Playing at being a "normal family" is appealing initially, especially if you think you'll get back together, because it can seem to minimize emotional turbulence for the kids. But if that's not on the cards (and from what you say, it sounds like you've realised it really can't be) it's prolonging things for the kids and making it impossible for you to move on (which you have every right to do). I would guess you've been prioritizing his needs to a large extent since this started? But you really need to put yourself ahead of him now.

Is it really in your kids best interests to see much of a father who can't stay off the booze long enough to be awake when he's around them? The lack of sleep is a red herring because he knew about that before he decided to stop off at the pub. He wasn't prepared to do what he could to be at his best for his kids, even though his time with them is limited.

I can see why you're unsure what to do. I don't know if a court would back up an insistence he be supervised. So if he's likely to take you to court it could make it harder to protect them. It's really tricky.

Does he maybe have family around who he could take them to see and who would supervise? Or is there an activity where there will be other adults he could take them to (or you drop them off at)? Or can you arrange to meet up outside the house regularly to do something where you are there too?

In any case, if you haven't already, I would start to document all the issues his drinking has caused regarding taking responsibility for or being present for the kids, all the times he's chosen to drink and it's impaired his time with them. All the times he's let you down when he was supposed to be there at a certain time. All the things he's forgotten or you've been unable to trust him with.

PixieLaLa · 13/02/2022 03:48

He has a drinking issue but this day drinking is a new low

It’s so strange after this that you even allowed him to pick up your DD, just because he was ‘keen’

Original poster
Yolo89 · 13/02/2022 09:24

Pixel - I didn't know he was intoxicated/ going to be drinking when I said yes. As I said the say drinkomg good early is new

When I say I don't know what to do, oean in practical terms. I need chil care outside hours which he does. I can't do it all . That's what I mean. We have no family here so it would all have to be paid for

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 13/02/2022 09:27

Also the eldest won't go to her dad's place and it's too far. So where does he see them?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/02/2022 09:39

He could see them at a contact centre if you’re worried about their safety, or he can see them at an activity, e.g. bowling alley/soft play/cinema.

If you’re not getting back together, it’s probably not a great idea to have him in the house regularly.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 13/02/2022 10:13

We are living separately but we are still married
Due to mental healtj and alcohol

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 13/02/2022 10:25

So @Yolo89 what do you expect to change? I mean, obviously, you want him to tackle the drinking. Stop drinking entirely? How long has he been trying to do that? Has he made any progress? Has it got worse?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 13/02/2022 10:41

Kitten yes I want him to stop entirely. He is still in active addiction
He has seen professionals for help but he has deep trauma he needs to work through also. I don't think his want to stop driving at this point is committed.

I don't know childcare is worked out if the children won't stay with him and also I can't trust him. I can't so it all logisticsalky and mentally and financially. I really don't know what to do.

If I leave him.in charge then say I do tbtrusy him.he says well if you thought I was a drunk you wouldnt trust me with them. This is the narrative I have to put up with. It's god awful

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 13/02/2022 10:44

I need so e more boundaries but I don't know how with the children. I don't want their life to be uncomfortable ie stY with him when they don't want etc
I don't know

OP posts:
CrinklyCraggy · 13/02/2022 10:50

I wouldn't worry about "a pint" at lunchtime, but this is clearly not that.

Ileflottante · 13/02/2022 14:29

Stop him seeing them and say if he wants to see them he can get help for his alcoholism and then take you to court.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2022 14:41

OP get some counselling. Even over the phone.
Start the process of getting into a contact centre or finding the appropriate people to point you in that direction.

Its support you need and he cant give it.

Get all of the outside support you can.
I work in a service that provides free after school clubs and supervision...by knowing the appropriate people, more things like this may be open to you.

You have a duty of care to those children and must not let him be alone around them, he is a addict.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2022 14:42

Their lives already are uncomfortable. He needs to not return to the house and be supervised with them.

NumberTheory · 13/02/2022 15:38

If I leave him.in charge then say I do tbtrusy him.he says well if you thought I was a drunk you wouldnt trust me with them. This is the narrative I have to put up with. It's god awful

It’s a horrible narrative coming from him because it’s him that’s not living up to his responsibilities and the source of the problem. But it’s also true - if you think he’s not trustworthy enough to leave your children with (and from what you’ve written I think this is probably a reasonable opinion to hold) you have to stop leaving your children with him.

It’s up to him how good of a father he’s going to be. You can’t make that decision for him. You can’t make him be better. You can only decide whether you think your kids are safe enough with him or not and do your best to protect them from him if he isn’t.

newnameforthis76 · 13/02/2022 15:53

If he had ‘a pint’, that’s unlikely to put him over the limit (in England, any way) and is pretty normal. But if he has a drink problem and he was falling asleep afterwards, he clearly had a lot more than a pint. A habitual drinker wouldn’t be dozy after one pint.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/02/2022 15:55

Yeah if it was just 1 pint I'd probably let it go but 1 pint isn't going to have him falling asleep on the couch

RedHelenB · 13/02/2022 16:10

[quote Bairnsmum05]@millymolls not an over reaction if driving, it's illegal.[/quote]
1 pint isn't illegal.

Swipe left for the next trending thread