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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Make him send it back?

64 replies

twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 17:39

I live with my partner. He doesn't earn very much because he has gradually decreased his hours over the past few years. He is depressed and doesn't want to work.

Currently, I am meant to pay £700 into our joint account, he's meant to pay £400.

He hasn't paid anything into the account since November. He claims he couldn't afford it, 'because of Christmas' but yesterday, some specialist computer part was delivered. He said that it was £100 off but then wouldn't answer when I asked how much it actually was.

I've paid the whole mortgage, bills, food, everything for three months and he's buying crap for his computer he doesn't need. I told him that he's taking the piss and needed to send it back and pay his share of the bills.

He's acting all hurt and saying that it's unfair because I bought myself a new top last week, as if it's comparable.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 11/02/2022 17:44

You could afford the top after paying bills. He can’t. Tell him to grow up, send it back and start paying his way or find somewhere else to live!

tulippa · 11/02/2022 17:46

What's it for? Is it anything to do with his work that will help him earn more money?

He should have discussed the purchase with you before making it, at the very least. It's not good he won't tell you how much it cost. You could probably look the item up online to find out.

I don't know how you'd 'make' him return it but he if he had any decency he wouldn't have bought it in the first place. YANBU to be extremely unhappy about it.

T00Ts · 11/02/2022 17:48

He needs to go. He doesn’t want to work and is taking the absolute piss.

humourme194 · 11/02/2022 17:48

What is with all these threads of women putting up with so much shit from their partners.

You know you're not being unreasonable.. he's got used to being able to piss away his money and you're completely justified to tell him to get his act together!

AluckyEllie · 11/02/2022 17:50

Get some self respect and dump him, he’s a leech

LIZS · 11/02/2022 17:50

Is he seeking support for his depression, or just burying his head in the sand and compensating by buying stuff? What has the previous missing money gone on? No your top is not the same.

AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 17:52

He is depressed and doesn't want to work?

Join the fucking club. However, bills need to be paid.

He just wants you to finance him doing what the fuck he wants.

AlDanvers · 11/02/2022 17:53

@humourme194

What is with all these threads of women putting up with so much shit from their partners.

You know you're not being unreasonable.. he's got used to being able to piss away his money and you're completely justified to tell him to get his act together!

There's been an absolute shit ton. And oddly most have very little response from the OP. Wonder if this one will go the same way.
Shoxfordian · 11/02/2022 17:54

He sounds like a loser

mrsbyers · 11/02/2022 17:54

What a dick

BetsyBigNose · 11/02/2022 17:57

It sounds like he's become a cocklodger.

Is he getting any help for his mental health? If not, encourage him to do so.

Tell him he must contribute financially to the household - if he's genuinely not well enough to work then he needs to apply for benefits - if he's not genuinely unwell enough not to work, then he won't get benefits, so will need to increase his working hours again.

Give him a deadline by which time he needs to be contributing fully.

Get him to show you his online banking so you can see how much he has in his account at the moment, so you can agree how much of that he needs to contribute to the household immediately.

If arguments like the New Top Vs. Computer Part are common, agree a financial limit (say £30, for example) and if either of you wants to spend more than that on something, then you have to run it past your partner and both agree to the purchase.

Depression really can be debilitating, I really do sympathise with anyone who suffers from it, but don't let it distract you from the fact that he is trying to take you for a mug.

Original poster
twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 17:59

I agree, he has got used to just pissing away his money.

The lack of any kind of thought process or gratitude to me for paying for his housing, food, heating, etc is the thing that upsets me the most.

I earn enough to cover everything, so it's not really about the money. But we're not married, we have separate finances and I'm already paying almost double because he chooses to work fewer hours.

Where's my support? It's not even as though I get home from work to find the house sparkling and dinner cooking.

OP posts:
Dumblebum · 11/02/2022 17:59

Tell him he can have a new top the same cost as yours and to get it sent back.

Original poster
twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 18:00

Thanks, Betsy, that's really helpful.

He is on medication but won't accept any other help for his depression.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 11/02/2022 18:00

If it’s a joint mortgage I would set up a list of missed payments so if you ever split you can claim back his unpaid portion from the sale of the property, I would tell him you are doing this.

Original poster
twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 18:02

Bluebells, when I have to transfer more money to make up for him not paying, I name the transfer 'EXTRA MONEY', so it shows up in our joint account. Do you think that would be sufficient?

OP posts:
NameChangeNymph · 11/02/2022 18:02

Not unreasonable at all! You get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. He's taking the piss, don't let him away with it.

Bugbabe1970 · 11/02/2022 18:05

Send him back the same time!

Loopytiles · 11/02/2022 18:05

I wouldn’t be willing to subsidise a partner for long to work part time or not if they weren’t doing everything possible to address their health problem(s) and work close to full time.

So in your shoes I’d be seeking to end the relationship.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 11/02/2022 18:31

what are you getting out of this relationship?

if he makes your heart beat and you can't imagine your life without him, go for it. Otherwise tell him time is up, you're not compatible, he needs to leave and you can then move on.

I know, easier said than done.

billy1966 · 11/02/2022 18:35

Why exactly are you with this loser?

Why would you want to carry a loser?

Get rid of him.

You deserve better.Flowers

Dontbeme · 11/02/2022 18:39

Buy him out and free him back into the wild. Stop paying for things like internet, sky package or whatever, he can't afford it and as you are out at work all day you are paying for something you can't use. If he becomes bored I hear job hunting or increasing your hours is great at keeping people occupied.

Chloemol · 11/02/2022 18:53

Sit him down tell him he pays his way, he’s not working everyday, this is what’s expected of him and give him the list of chores, meals cooked etc

If he doesn’t want to do it, then he finds somewhere else to live

Cocomelonearworm · 11/02/2022 18:59

Jeez. I would get rid of him sharpish. What a freeloader!

ProudThrilledHappy · 11/02/2022 19:02

You’ve got yourself a Cocklodger Apprentice there OP. Not quite full cock-lodger status but certainly working his way up to it.

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