Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Make him send it back?

64 replies

twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 17:39

I live with my partner. He doesn't earn very much because he has gradually decreased his hours over the past few years. He is depressed and doesn't want to work.

Currently, I am meant to pay £700 into our joint account, he's meant to pay £400.

He hasn't paid anything into the account since November. He claims he couldn't afford it, 'because of Christmas' but yesterday, some specialist computer part was delivered. He said that it was £100 off but then wouldn't answer when I asked how much it actually was.

I've paid the whole mortgage, bills, food, everything for three months and he's buying crap for his computer he doesn't need. I told him that he's taking the piss and needed to send it back and pay his share of the bills.

He's acting all hurt and saying that it's unfair because I bought myself a new top last week, as if it's comparable.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ISmellBurnings · 11/02/2022 19:03

What makes you keep bothering? He’s taking the piss. In no way does he consider your feelings, at all.

Is it guilt? Because things used to be better and maybe they will be one day? Google the sunken cost fallacy.

Personally I think it’s time you were selfish.

ISmellBurnings · 11/02/2022 19:05

Also, making him send it back isn’t going to solve the route of the problems.

Juniper68 · 11/02/2022 19:07

Dump

sadpapercourtesan · 11/02/2022 19:10

Yes, he should be sending it back - he shouldn't have bought it in the first place without consulting you, given that he isn't able to contribute properly to the household at the moment.

He should also be seeking more help to manage his depression, if it is so debilitating that he cannot work. Only you know how ill he actually is - we don't know him.

I am uncomfortable with some of the language from other posters on this thread. Depression really can render a person unable to work, if it is severe enough. It can devastate every aspect of a person's life. It doesn't make them a loser, or lazy, or any less of a person than everyone else.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 11/02/2022 19:10

@anotherbloodyyearofcovid

what are you getting out of this relationship?

if he makes your heart beat and you can't imagine your life without him, go for it. Otherwise tell him time is up, you're not compatible, he needs to leave and you can then move on.

I know, easier said than done.

Very good advice this although I can't see how you could be remotely attracted to someone in this context.

No kids, no wedding ring and you can seemingly support yourself if you can transfer him money? You're fortunate. It may sound cold but you can end this quickly and move on.

WonderfulYou · 11/02/2022 19:23

How long have you been together?

I know it’s mot fault he has depression but you can’t be dragged down by someone else.
At the very least I think you need to live separately.

affairsofdragons · 11/02/2022 19:26

That'd be the end for me.

I'd tell him to move out; it's only going to get worse and he's not helping himself.

Original poster

twirlcurlgirl · 11/02/2022 19:33

Thanks everyone,

We've been together for 10 years, lived together for 5 years. Definitely feels like a lot to throw away, but it's just steadily getting worse. When we first bought the house, we paid equal amounts. It's just become more and more unequal and now I feel like his mum.

I just realised someone asked if the computer part is needed for his work- no, it's some super-fancy add-on that has NOTHING to do with his work at all.

OP posts:

Pembertonrd · 11/02/2022 19:43

Don’t waste another 10 years.

HollowTalk · 11/02/2022 19:50

Given how he is, do you really want to stay with this man? There are plenty of people who are depressed who don't treat other people as badly as that.

cherish123 · 12/02/2022 01:07

Why should you support him? He's not your son.

SpacePotato · 12/02/2022 01:22

You know he's using you right?

Gradually dropping hours until he won't be working at all and you paying for everything forever.

Seriously, get rid of the dead weight. You can afford to live on your own.

Kanaloa · 12/02/2022 01:26

I’d be sending him back. He contributes nothing to household costs and doesn’t work or do anything useful. The resentment will build up in you.

I get that he’s depressed and that must be very difficult but that doesn’t pay the mortgage. What if you also became depressed and just wanted to spend all your money on expensive luxuries? Then what would happen?

As an adult he needs to deal with his difficulties or if he is incapable of working then he needs to apply for appropriate benefits so he can support himself. You’re not his mum.

Kanaloa · 12/02/2022 01:27

Doesn’t work full time I meant. Either way he’s no good. He’s just taking the piss and spending your money.

Kanaloa · 12/02/2022 01:31

Absolutely it can render you unable to work, which is a very difficult situation to be in. However, it does not mean you can spend other people’s money buying yourself expensive gifts. That’s just life, if your disability means you can’t work then you have to seek professional help, apply for any benefits you are able to get, and really cut your spending to a minimum since you can’t afford expensive computer ads-ons. Like anything else.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2022 02:08

Ten years is sunk costs, and time to cut loose. He isn’t in this as a team, he’s in it for himself with you there as his lifeboat/mum. Sooo childish and petty - oh but you bought a new top! That’s right, after paying my costs, YOUR costs, and cooking dinner etc, I bought a new top. Your number one action was recreatiinao fun for you, it didn’t come after contributing to our finances, it didn’t come after (seriously) working on your mental health and increasing your working hours, it didn’t come after doing a load of washing even. I’ve decided I can’t put more into this relationship than you are anymore which really means it’s over now as you’re just taking from this relationship and have been for some time.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 02:11

You have a cocklodger.
You need to dump him.

Hydrate · 12/02/2022 02:56

He should send it back. Paying for the roof over his head should come before anything else.

Mo1911 · 12/02/2022 03:15

I think your attitude shines through when you say that he's depressed and doesn't want to work.

If he's truly depressed then he may genuinely not be able to work more than he is doing. I think you have to get that bit sorted and decide if he's actually depressed and if so are you willing to support him emotionally or not. It sounds like you're not.

Loopytiles · 12/02/2022 06:04

OP isn’t just ‘supporting’ emotionally, she’s supporting with thousands and thousands of pounds! This computer purchase is a tiny fraction of the money she’s spent.

Original poster

twirlcurlgirl · 12/02/2022 07:28

Thanks everyone.

@Mo1911, the ‘doesn’t want to work’ bit is straight from the horse’s mouth. It’s what he says himself. He has had years of my emotional, physical and financial support.

I feel like I have no support from my supposed partner in building our life together.

@timeisnotaline, thank you. I think you’re right.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 12/02/2022 08:24

We teach people how to treat us OP, and you have taught him you are to be used and treated as a complete mug.

It is very sad that you actually have thought this is ok.

For you to waste years being used by a lazy waster.

You deserve so much better.
What an awful existence you have signed up for.

I hope you find the strength to rid yourself of such a using loser.

If you were my daughter I would be devastated at you settling for so little in that excuse of a man.

TokyoDreaming · 12/02/2022 08:26

You need to bin the twat, depression or not he's taking the piss.

maddening · 12/02/2022 08:31

It may seem like a lot to throw away but be sure it is not the sunken cost fallacy- if you are regaining more by moving on with your life apart, if he is making you unhappy and feel used then invest in yourself going forward.

Alittlepotofrosie · 12/02/2022 08:36

You've paid for all the essentials, damn right you should buy a top if you want one. Don't get sucked into the sunken costs fallacy. You've only got one life and this guy definitely does not have your back.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread