Make him send it back?

[twirlcurlgirl]

I live with my partner. He doesn't earn very much because he has gradually decreased his hours over the past few years. He is depressed and doesn't want to work.

Currently, I am meant to pay £700 into our joint account, he's meant to pay £400.

He hasn't paid anything into the account since November. He claims he couldn't afford it, 'because of Christmas' but yesterday, some specialist computer part was delivered. He said that it was £100 off but then wouldn't answer when I asked how much it actually was.

I've paid the whole mortgage, bills, food, everything for three months and he's buying crap for his computer he doesn't need. I told him that he's taking the piss and needed to send it back and pay his share of the bills.

He's acting all hurt and saying that it's unfair because I bought myself a new top last week, as if it's comparable.

AIBU?

You need to end it.
He’s a freeloader, and you’re letting him be one.

It's the boiling frog thing too i can see how you've ended up here. I doubt he said "right, I don't want to work so I'm going to cut my hours and I'm not paying anything for the house. Forget doing housework and cooking too. By the way i got this cool new part for my computer, it cost few hundred but it's ok i got a hundred off". They do it bit by bit.

Does he seriously think that you should pay for absolutely everything for both of you and not treat yourself to something to wear out of your own money?

Can you go somewhere for a week or so? Stay with a friend? Or even better treat yourself to a night or two somewhere nice before staying with family or friends? It feels like taking some time out away from him (I would completely block for the week) might give you time to reevaluate the relationship and what you need from it going forwards it also might help put a rocket in his pocket for sorting his life out.
You shouldn't have to parent an adult like this.

Luckily he is just a partner, I would be sending him back.

He has become accustomed, to lazing about while you cover the slack.

Probably using his "I'm depressed " to get away with his lazy behaviour.

What is he actually doing to help himself, he will drop more and more hours and you will pick up the slack. If children come along he will do nothing while you will do it all.

Give him 3months to buck up his ideas or he is out and you split.

He doesn't respect you. Full stop. It's not a lot to throw away. The rest of your life is a lot to throw away. If you have your own self respect take a deep breath and kick him to the curb.

Ew.

He doesn't want to work.

He's not cooking and cleaning to make your life easier while you're actually working and supporting him. Nope, he's playing games on his computer.

He's spending your money on very expensive treats for himself while he does fuck all.

Ignore the time you've been together; that's the sunk cost fallacy. Look at the decades ahead of you ... is this how you want to spend it? Being the mother to a lazy, selfish cock-lodger?

Get rid.

@HollowTalk

Does he seriously think that you should pay for absolutely everything for both of you and not treat yourself to something to wear out of your own money?

I know, it’s grotesque. And he used her new top to justify why he is entitled to as much of her money to spend recreationally as she is, after contributing nothing to their living costs. I honestly don’t understand why he can even access her money at all at this point.

@HollowTalk, sorry, I mustn’t have been clear enough. He hasn’t used my money to buy the computer thing. He used his own.

But he also hasn’t paid his contribution into the joint account since November, because he said he didn’t have enough money. So he claimed he was too skint to pay his way, but could afford some fancy but unnecessary bit of tech.

If he's on minimum wage for 18.5hrs a week he is bringing home around £750 a month. Any less than that and he needs to increase his hours.

I'd tell him he pays £600 into the joint account on payday for the next 6 months or he is out.

Look at what you've paid into the mortgage for the past 5 years, along with deposits and house values at purchase and now and make him an offer - on the condition he packs up and goes. I'm sure he will grab it as he will see it as alot to live on till he finds the next sucker.

So he has had two pay days and not paid a penny.

He absolutely expects you to subsidise him.

Unfortunately you are the only one who can change this situation because he won't. He has no reason to.
What is he actually spending his money on .. except computer parts?

Mines wasted £50 0n weed and baccy today so thought sod it I’m having those headphones I was going to buy later on in the week yes it’s selfish but he’s going to learn a lot this year especially when I’ve gone.

Sound like a bit of a waster. Unless you're suffering from severe trauma or someone literally died then "Depression" is no excuse not to work. If you really see a future with him then tell him sort his shit out or get out. Personally I'd skip straight to the get out part as I would find this deeply unattractive and wouldn't want a relationship with him.

[quote twirlcurlgirl]**@HollowTalk, sorry, I mustn’t have been clear enough. He hasn’t used my money to buy the computer thing. He used his own.

But he also hasn’t paid his contribution into the joint account since November, because he said he didn’t have enough money. So he claimed he was too skint to pay his way, but could afford some fancy but unnecessary bit of tech.[/quote]
But then it is your money still! He’s used your money to pay his living costs so he can treat himself to fancy gadgets and toys. It’s the same thing, he’s taken money out of your pocket to pay rent so he can waste his own cash.

It’s just not realistic and can’t go on. I would love to force someone else to pay my living costs so I could splash all my money on new books, clothes, items I collect, Lego. Unfortunately I’m a grown up and I need to pay for my own living costs because that’s life. I’m sure DH would take a very dim view of it if I refused to pay rent so I could treat myself to Lego hogwarts. I would take an equally dim view of it if it was him not paying rent so he could buy new sporting equipment. It’s just not acceptable and I’m struggling to see why he thinks he doesn’t need to work and contribute like everyone else.