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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to hop off the career ladder at 43?

59 replies

LabraDabraDoo · 11/02/2022 15:45

I’ve done well in my profession, have achieved a lot and my job enables me to have the sort of work/life/ money balance that most people would kill for.

But after 20 years of energetic pushing forward, I feel I’m done with the career ladder. My kids have only ever known me as a hardworking, run off my feet mum, striving for the next thing. Family life has always been centred around the demands of two working parents, even with great domestic help and no money worries. They are older now (10 and 13) but I feel in some ways (okay, mostly for transportation duties) they need me more than ever and I want to be physically and emotionally available to them, which my job doesn’t always allow. I want to be about in the evenings to help with homework and friendship worries, not with my back to them typing on my laptop, to get to school events, to bake a cake for when they get home from school, to have fresh meals at the end of the day, to get fitter, look after my own health and hang out with my dog. I want weekends walking in the woods with DH, not filled with endless chores we didn’t do in the week. I think I want all of these things more than a great career. It is probably worth mentioning my mum ( who had a remarkable, demanding career in social work, but not one that I remember as always a positive part of our family life) is now very unwell. I want to see her more, and her illness and thinking about my later childhood has made me reevaluate what I value and what my family needs. I can carry on consulting in my profession a couple of days a week for a very good income (60k- ish). We would have no money problems. DH doesn’t have this option at the moment, although I know he’s really struggling with how busy life is, and I feel this would help him too.

AIBU to have had enough of climbing the ladder at just 43? Is it unusual to start to want and value something else at this stage in life? Or maybe it’s just a burnout wobble, or me being a bit pathetic (and my mum will probably say a bad feminist)?

OP posts:

Grinnypiggy · 11/02/2022 15:49

YANBU. I agree totally. But then I have always known I want to work enough to earn money for food, and enjoy as much free time as possible, so I never even bothered starting a career. I just had jobs. It suits me fine. Maybe though if it means taking a significant pay cut for you, it's worth having a serious look at your lifestyle versus likely budget - what luxuries will have to be jettisoned? And is it worth it for you?

Flakeymcwakey · 11/02/2022 15:51

I think I would do it, in your shoes. I might do something around my pension, I'd get advice and overpay probably relative to what I was anticipating paying if I stayed high powered amd I would not do it with out a conversation and set of agreements in writing about what would happen in case of divorce. But life is short OP, and childhood is shorter

Hankunamatata · 11/02/2022 15:59

You can work couple of days a week and earn 60k, why wouldn't you do that.

lucythejuicy · 11/02/2022 16:00

I would do it as long as you have enough to also save for retirement

Evanesco · 11/02/2022 16:03

Sounds like a good idea to me!

Also as a side note, feminism to me is about having the choice, option and rights to do what you want to do, no matter what that is. You've got an amazing career and now you want to move on to the next stage of life having worked hard for what you've got - so that doesn't make you a bad frminist at all!

OutlookStalking · 11/02/2022 16:03

Wow a couple of day a week for 60k?!?!?!? I can't see why anyone wouldn't do that. That isn't even stepping off the career world that's staying a high earner! Makes complete sense (slightly envious!)

Gingerbreadman1972 · 11/02/2022 16:04

Yeah if you can earn twice the national average wage doing 2 days a week, why wouldn't you.

OutlookStalking · 11/02/2022 16:05

It absolutely sounds like you will have it all :) That's a higher than average income just from your income alone. We have also chosen a similar path but rather precariously without the financial reward. It sounds like you've worked hard and done ever so well career wise and this would be the sensible next step.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 11/02/2022 16:06

YANBU, there's so much more to life, despite what Mumsnet will have you believe.

You only live once and they'll have flown the nest before you know. Take a well deserved break and enjoy 😊

Comedycook · 11/02/2022 16:06

If I was in your shoes, I'd do this in a heartbeat. £60k on two days a week work?! Wow.

Life is too short imo to be busy and stressed

I totally understand what you mean about children needing you more as they get older. Mine are 11/13 and still need a huge amount of input from me.

DameCelia · 11/02/2022 16:07

Absolutely do it, but for the right reasons.
At 43 I'd want to be checking this isn't the well known phenomenon of perimenopause pushing women to the point where they can't work the way they used to and end up stepping back from their careers with the resulting damage to pension provision.

loveliesbleeding1 · 11/02/2022 16:11

Absolutely do it! Don’t look back.

Beecham · 11/02/2022 16:12

I agree about the children needing you more as they get older. I have been having very similar thoughts myself and am looking for an exit strategy, but can't take the financial hit. 2 days a week is the dream.

tubbythumpy · 11/02/2022 16:12

So I feel slightly differently to other posters. I think work is important and earning money and contributing is important. I also think kids need to know that your self worth and happiness isn't entirely bound up in them. So I'd either take a short break or go part time. Keep using your brain!

Lovetoridemybicycle · 11/02/2022 16:12

I did at age 40, The next stage up of management meant they wanted your life, not just the 8-6! I wasnt willing so jumped, set up as a consultant and work usually 3 days a week, pretty much spread during school hours. I get to be here for them, ferry them around, nip out to events they are in. Do it and don't look back.

Allergictoironing · 11/02/2022 16:12

Do a pro/con chart, listing all the reasons why you should on one side and the reasons why you shouldn't on the other.

TBH, as long as you have the income you need to do what you want and enough for a comfortable retirement, I can't see ANY cons to sitting back a bit. What would the point be in fighting your way up the career ladder, unless you want/need more money that comes with the higher grade?

Googlecanthelpme · 11/02/2022 16:14

In the nicest possible way OP - I see no problem here.
You will have more time for yourself and your family whilst still enjoying a rewarding career and a good income.
It sounds to me that you’ve reached the stage where you get to enjoy all your hard work and sacrifices, why feel guilty about that?
It does not make you a bad feminist to recognise that you need something different now, that for now you wish to slow down.
Maybe in 5 years you’ll want to speed up again, who knows.
There’s no rule book fortunately and you can decide how you wish to live and what your priority list looks like.

Do it and enjoy it.

Googlecanthelpme · 11/02/2022 16:15

@tubbythumpy

I agree with this - although OP has said she would go freelance and still enjoy a decent 60k income.

MoiraNotRuby · 11/02/2022 16:18

I would LOVE to earn £60k pa working full time let alone 2 days a week!!!! My kids have also only ever known full time working mum but sadly for nothing like that salary.

MadameHeisenberg · 11/02/2022 16:19

I think it’s a very personal decision. I’m a couple of years younger than you, kids much younger than yours and it’s the last thing I’d want, personally. I love my work, it gives my life meaning and purpose (I’m a scientist in a senior role in global pharma). It energises me rather than drains me and i find I’m a better mother for it. I recently met someone who’s alive today because of a drug I was instrumental in making, it was such a touching moment and makes everything worth it. Giving that up in favour of more domestic duties; not for all the tea in China!

However, if you don’t feel like this about work (sounds like not) and you’re not leaving yourself financially vulnerable (also sounds like not, with the consulting), then it’s definitely worth considering.

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2022 16:20

@Hankunamatata

You can work couple of days a week and earn 60k, why wouldn't you do that.

Err, quite!

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2022 16:22

You’ve clearly got the skills to scale work back up if you wanted to in future.

If your mum’s ill that’s happening right now.

Nothing (good or bad) lasts for ever so react accordingly if you have the means to make life better.

YingMei · 11/02/2022 16:26

I've recently done something similar. I'm a bit younger than you but was climbing up the career ladder in the teaching world. It took up my entire life and I just felt like my whole life was working and my kids were in after school club all the time which they didn't much like. They're 6 and 9
I left at Christmas and I now do a job from home 28 hours a week. I was lucky that it was education related and I'm decently paid but not as much as a teacher. I'm here after school and can cook them proper food instead of throwing oven food at them every day. I can hear my son read. I've got time to run them to their hobbies without being in a constant state of stress. My life has changed for the better (for all of us). I do plan to build my career back up at some point but I am happy to have stepped off the ladder for the time being.

BlackSatinBand · 11/02/2022 16:26

I don’t think there is anything wrong with reassessing your work-life balance and your priorities at ANY age or stage in life.

However, think carefully about stepping away from a rewarding and/or lucrative career based on your circumstances now, or in a way that means you might not be able to return to it.

My kids are older teens now and although they definitely do still need me, they are much more self sufficient than at 10 or 13 and I’d be a bit redundant (and to be honest, bored) if I was at home cake baking and home making now. I think I’d be kicking myself if I’d fucked my career based on what my kids were like at a younger age or because I’d been feeling a bit knackered and jaded for a period.

You’ve got a long time until retirement age. Keep your hand in, whatever you do.

RedCarHonkHonk · 11/02/2022 16:27

If you pension life time allowance is already used up I would go 2 days a week @ £60k. If it isn’t I would work full time until you are 45 put the maximum annual allowance in your pension then give up work completely when your DC are 12 and 15, in time for GCSEs.

Return to work in your 50ties doing something you love. Train for a new career between 45-50 when you are not working.

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