AIBU to hop off the career ladder at 43?

[LabraDabraDoo]

I’ve done well in my profession, have achieved a lot and my job enables me to have the sort of work/life/ money balance that most people would kill for.

But after 20 years of energetic pushing forward, I feel I’m done with the career ladder. My kids have only ever known me as a hardworking, run off my feet mum, striving for the next thing. Family life has always been centred around the demands of two working parents, even with great domestic help and no money worries. They are older now (10 and 13) but I feel in some ways (okay, mostly for transportation duties) they need me more than ever and I want to be physically and emotionally available to them, which my job doesn’t always allow. I want to be about in the evenings to help with homework and friendship worries, not with my back to them typing on my laptop, to get to school events, to bake a cake for when they get home from school, to have fresh meals at the end of the day, to get fitter, look after my own health and hang out with my dog. I want weekends walking in the woods with DH, not filled with endless chores we didn’t do in the week. I think I want all of these things more than a great career. It is probably worth mentioning my mum ( who had a remarkable, demanding career in social work, but not one that I remember as always a positive part of our family life) is now very unwell. I want to see her more, and her illness and thinking about my later childhood has made me reevaluate what I value and what my family needs. I can carry on consulting in my profession a couple of days a week for a very good income (60k- ish). We would have no money problems. DH doesn’t have this option at the moment, although I know he’s really struggling with how busy life is, and I feel this would help him too.

AIBU to have had enough of climbing the ladder at just 43? Is it unusual to start to want and value something else at this stage in life? Or maybe it’s just a burnout wobble, or me being a bit pathetic (and my mum will probably say a bad feminist)?

I would do it in a heartbeat in your shoes. Frankly I’d work even less, one day for £30k. Work is overrated so if you’re sorted money-wise, hop off the train.

@LabraDabraDoo

I’ve done well in my profession, have achieved a lot and my job enables me to have the sort of work/life/ money balance that most people would kill for.

But after 20 years of energetic pushing forward, I feel I’m done with the career ladder. My kids have only ever known me as a hardworking, run off my feet mum, striving for the next thing. Family life has always been centred around the demands of two working parents, even with great domestic help and no money worries. They are older now (10 and 13) but I feel in some ways (okay, mostly for transportation duties) they need me more than ever and I want to be physically and emotionally available to them, which my job doesn’t always allow. I want to be about in the evenings to help with homework and friendship worries, not with my back to them typing on my laptop, to get to school events, to bake a cake for when they get home from school, to have fresh meals at the end of the day, to get fitter, look after my own health and hang out with my dog. I want weekends walking in the woods with DH, not filled with endless chores we didn’t do in the week. I think I want all of these things more than a great career. It is probably worth mentioning my mum ( who had a remarkable, demanding career in social work, but not one that I remember as always a positive part of our family life) is now very unwell. I want to see her more, and her illness and thinking about my later childhood has made me reevaluate what I value and what my family needs. I can carry on consulting in my profession a couple of days a week for a very good income (60k- ish). We would have no money problems. DH doesn’t have this option at the moment, although I know he’s really struggling with how busy life is, and I feel this would help him too.

AIBU to have had enough of climbing the ladder at just 43? Is it unusual to start to want and value something else at this stage in life? Or maybe it’s just a burnout wobble, or me being a bit pathetic (and my mum will probably say a bad feminist)?

It doesn't sound like your work / life balance is anything even close to being something that most would kill for.

Your post seems a very thinly disguised HumbleBrag - "Should I drop down to part time for oooonly £60k"?

@RedCarHonkHonk

If you pension life time allowance is already used up I would go 2 days a week @ £60k. If it isn’t I would work full time until you are 45 put the maximum annual allowance in your pension then give up work completely when your DC are 12 and 15, in time for GCSEs.

Return to work in your 50ties doing something you love. Train for a new career between 45-50 when you are not working.

Crazy Advice.

"Keep working full time and give up at a time when your kids, as older teens, won't want/need you so much"

On the kind of income talked about, the pensions lifetime allowance can easily be achieved working part time.

Thank you for the messages. It’s very helpful and I appreciate the kind comments.

I find the idea of a new life stage ( and yes, I think perimenopause might be a part of this), a very helpful as a way of looking at choices. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, and it feels daunting but positive.

It’s interesting that many people say ‘why wouldn’t you do that?!’ Because, of course, why wouldn’t I? But it’s not so easy when (like MadameHeisenburg said), you’ve put so
much into achieving something (and getting to do a job that people dream of, and doing a bit of good) and it’s become so much part of your sense of self. Add that to a mother who ( in the context of achieving in an amazing career that did so much good also) sent some unhelpful messages about the relative value of work and family, plus some pretty inflexible views about what feminism looks like, and it gets harder. I guess, even though I know what’s best, and feel so lucky to have the choice, I still feel quite conflicted. It sounds so silly written down, but there it is.

Why not? Life is for living and you've been working hard until now and can continue to work 2 days a week. It's a no-brainer, surely?
I do wonder if it is a peri-menopause thing, because I've been having similar feelings and a number of friends are in the same place.
I expected that my DCs (similar age to yours) would need me less, but that's also tempered with the fact that they are needing help with homework, friendship issues etc....and in the evening when they want to talk about things, I'm sitting tapping into my laptop or prepping for the next day.
Slowing down isn't giving up. Do it!

Wow Madame that's amazing!

No, not only is this not wrong, I think it's very normal for people to reassess and want different things at different times. In 10 years you may be ready to work more again, or even do something completely different. And since you can do it financially while keeping your hand in, that seems like a really possible option for you.

@TheRealityCheque crazy no, nonsensical yes I’ve muddled my post. Basically fill pension pot with the full time salary as you never known if you will be able to in the future. I missed the bit about mum being ill, I would give up now if it’s about spending quality time with mum. I do think Y10/11 are the years that could need support.

I hopped off at 40, hopped on again at 46, about to hop off again at 57.
If it works for you and your family go for it and enjoy.

Interesting how supportive this thread is whilst elsewhere Jo Whitfield is being torn apart for taking 4 months unpaid leave

How easy will it be to find and keep client base?

It sounds like a no brainer to me. Think of it as enjoying the results of hard yards you’ve already put in.

Yanbu, and it will be very good for your family.

Be aware that, slowly, a lot of boring family admin will get dumped on you ‘because you’re at home more’ so you have to be able to handle that or see it coming and protect yourself from it…

Nothing unreasonable about that.

One of my husbands colleagues dropped dead from a heart attack in his mid forties this week. Do what makes you happy as much as you can.

It sounds like a good plan, I’d just make sure you’ve considered all the things you might miss that consultancy work might not give you, would there be a loss of status, can you still progress, would you get bored, would you have additional costs like CPD? Would you need to hustle a bit to get work or is it more secure than that? Could you go back easily if you change your mind?
I’d also just think forward 5 and then 10 years, what’s the difference in your situation, how old are your kids, how much money do you have……
Sorry if that all sounds obvious but I made a career change without giving it enough thought and sometimes look with a pang of regret at colleagues who progressed further up the ladder. As a PP said, I’d also make sure peri menopause isn’t playing a part as you may have a temporary dip in ambition or get up and go. It could be a really exciting change though

I’ve done exactly that. No kids but just kinda wondered why I’m striving so much in my career and all the stress. It’s a good balance working a couple of days a week.

I am 44 and feel the same way. From planning and aiming for promotions in 2020, I find myself thinking of retirement since 2021. Its for similar reasons - my own health, children (esp teen), home, husband, parents and just generally feeling like I've stretched myself enough. I work 4 days a week now and it's a good balance, but I feel 3 days would be better.
So it's a choice of getting a promotion and working more versus staying where I am and aiming for 3 days/week (mostly home based with occasional fun days in the office).

Follow your gut and take the plunge. You've earned the right to re-route your career to suit you.

I've got the opposite conundrum to you. I am very fortunate to be financially secure (not mega wealthy but comfortable). DC a similar age to yours. I'm a similar age and work part time since having DC & am now wondering whether I should increase my time at work! I've been coasting along part-time and now have younger people coming up as my line managers (who obviously get paid more & more responsibility/ respect.) I work with some very high achievers so I feel like I've stagnated in comparison. My friends who stayed working f/t now outstrip me in seniority and pay & it's unlikely I will progress further without taking on a ft role.

So I either need to step up & work f/t or I am stuck in the same grade. BUT I like working part-time and having plenty of time with my DC and time off. I'm very happy with my life but I do feel like I haven't fulfilled by early pre-children career potential.

For what it's worth being at home when the kids finish school doesn't result in quality family time in my experience. The kids are tired from school and want to go on phones, game or TV! But I know they won't need me around forever so I like to be here while they are still in the nest.

Whatever you do don't go part time and end up working for free in your own time (I'm guilty of that!)

I've done this, including working a few days a week for a good salary.

On balance I'm pleased I did but it's certainly not a no-brainer. So much of one's career is based around the idea of progress- you suck up the hard work now in the hope of gains later- and the minute you step out of that it can feel like you've thrown everything away. I also think that, at our age, it may well be an irreversible decision- I know I would really struggle to get something like my old job now and to be honest I think I would struggle to do it- not physically or mentally but rather I feel as if a lot of the fight has gone out of me, I'm not ambitious, and faced with long hours I'd tend to think "what's the point?"

It has also made me feel quite old, as if I've passed the peak and am now on the downward slope. And if I'm honest it has probably made me a bit older mentally as I'm at home more, doing more pottering about- which is all lovely but was it the right thing at 40? So I've taken on some academic stuff as well to keep myself challenged and interested which again is lovely but feels a bit dilettante-ish.

In your shoes I'd try to think through every eventuality. Would you be happy to effectively end your career here? What if the freelance stuff didn't work out? How will you feel when your children go to university? Can you avoid needing them to need you, if you see what I mean?

I've been very negative, I feel, but only because so many other people seem to think it' s a no-brainer. As I say, I'm pleased with my decision and happy to have more time to spend with my kids before they leave home. But lots to think about.

Go for it! Life really is too short!

I have done it and I was in your exact situation (although my mum was fine). It is great at the beginning, but do remember that you will be out of the office and out of power games. You will not have a boss, you will have a client. Possibly several clients.
You will become "disposable", an external cost that can easily be subtracted should there be a need.
It obviously depends on your area of work and what the future reserves to it. If you are an accountant, you may want to return back full time when the kids are going to uni to avoid the horrible empty nest feeling.
In my opinion, once you do not work all hours of day and night you discover a different pace and you appreciate work more.
Also, everyone will start taking you for granted - you are the dinner, you are the help, you are their Christmas. Just make sure to put yourself first.

I think that financially it’s a no-brainer. However a lot depends on whether the money is really the reason that you work. For a lot of people it’s about status, external validation and self-worth, and I completely understand that. Do you manage people in your job, and enjoy that? Do you make “buck stops here” type decisions, or manage a large budget? Are you called in to sort things out when junior people are struggling?
Do senior people sit up and listen to your project proposals, do junior people work hard for you because they respect you?

I have a colleague who stepped back into a part time, non-managerial role and it is so obvious that she can’t cope with the loss of status. She is always trying to create scenarios where she is “leading x”, “driving Y”, “head of Z”. Which might be fine in a standard “working your way up” type job, but her role simply does not require that and it just antagonises the people who are supposed to be doing the leading and managing.

I’m a few years older than you but my child is much younger. I do the same role as that colleague and, by and large, I am happy with its limitations because of the many benefits that it has (and I was v senior before so I get paid really well), but I do get a pang now and again when I see contemporaries on Linked In with shiny new leadership positions. It does pass though.

I do get a pang now and again when I see contemporaries on Linked In with shiny new leadership positions

Yep, this as well.

I wouldn't do it. I'm a high achiever making really good money and I continue to work really hard. We do cool stuff at the weekend with the children, can go on amazing holidays, they are in independent schools and I want to help them buy a house. So no stay where you are, full time. The children can have you in the evenings and weekends. Aren't they at school anyway during the week ? I say don't do it

@LabraDabraDoo

Thank you for the messages. It’s very helpful and I appreciate the kind comments.

I find the idea of a new life stage ( and yes, I think perimenopause might be a part of this), a very helpful as a way of looking at choices. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms, and it feels daunting but positive.

It’s interesting that many people say ‘why wouldn’t you do that?!’ Because, of course, why wouldn’t I? But it’s not so easy when (like MadameHeisenburg said), you’ve put so
much into achieving something (and getting to do a job that people dream of, and doing a bit of good) and it’s become so much part of your sense of self. Add that to a mother who ( in the context of achieving in an amazing career that did so much good also) sent some unhelpful messages about the relative value of work and family, plus some pretty inflexible views about what feminism looks like, and it gets harder. I guess, even though I know what’s best, and feel so lucky to have the choice, I still feel quite conflicted. It sounds so silly written down, but there it is.

Think of it as working smarter not working harder.

Yanbu.

I am in my late 30s and this is my end goal to be able to do this.
I want to work for two days a week for about 60-80k and have he rest of my time to do as I please.

I am paying HEAVILY into my pension now to try and make this happen but i don't think I'll be in a position to do this in 5 years. Prob more like 10....

Really interesting to read others experiences of this and see other angles looking at posts from @Possiblynotever in particular