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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not wanted on his facebook.......

82 replies

aquamarine2 · 11/02/2022 10:12

I was with my partner the other evening and as usual he was on facebook. I made the comment that he seemed to have many women 'friends' on this site but wondered why I wasnt one of them. He turned to me and said " I dont want you on my facebook". I am really upset by this, not because I want to be on there, but rather his response. I dont know why this has got me so much but it really has.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 11/02/2022 11:48

How is your relationship aside from this.
Not sure why his status is single though! Confused and people don’t know you exist!?

He just seems very hurtful.

tootiredtospeak · 11/02/2022 12:00

What a dickhead does he refuse to let you see his phone too. To me this is untrustworthy behaviour. I mean there is just no good reason why.

oakleaffy · 11/02/2022 12:08

@AllOfUsAreDead

He doesn't want you on there because then his other women might realise he's not single.
THIS. @aquamarine2 , if he's flirting with the other women, he won't want you there... He's being a bit secretive by the sounds of it.
starrynight87 · 11/02/2022 12:11

That's really weird, maybe try setting up a fake account and seeing what he would say to someone else about being single...

ToastofLandon · 11/02/2022 12:17

You deserve so much better OP. Don’t put up with this nonsense Flowers

OwlNoisesInHerFace · 11/02/2022 13:32

@aquamarine2

what is catfish
Catfishing is where you pretend to be someone else (using someone else's pictures etc), and set up a fake account to try and catch him out.
incognitoforthisone · 11/02/2022 14:44

@WonderfulYou

I think it’s odd when couples feel the need to advertise their relationship on SM and that they must change their relationship status to in a relationship - which is weird if you’re over 16.

The FB thing is a complete non-issue.
But I would be questioning whether you two are actually compatible and if this relationship is working.

I don't think it's about 'feeling the need to advertise'. It's about not lying or misleading people. If you don't want to have your relationship status on your profile, you don't have to have any relationship status showing, just like you don't have your birthday showing or your gender or anything else. You have to actively set your profile to 'single' just like you have to actively set your profile to 'in a relationship'.

I also don't think it's 'weird if you're over 16' to actually acknowledge that you have a partner, particularly if you live with them and they're a massive part of your life. This man has been with the OP for 15 years, so I think it's a bit weirder for him to actively pretend that she doesn't exist. Particularly given that the people he drinks with in the pub also thought he was single. I don't think this is a case of 'oh, it just never came up'. It's a case of actively avoiding ever mentioning her. And that is really not normal.

lavender2022 · 11/02/2022 15:30

@OwlNoisesInHerFace Catfishing is where you pretend to be someone else (using someone else's pictures etc), and set up a fake account to try and catch him out.

Yes, this is catfishing. But honestly, OP? I don't even think you should bother. 15 years together and he talks to you like that? It's not even the whole Facebook, relationship status thing for me at this point. It's the overall disrespect and nonchalance towards your feelings. You deserve miles better Thanks

ClawedButler · 11/02/2022 15:33

Yes, I couldn't be phooked to play games or snoop or try to catch him out or whatever. It's irrelevant, really.

The issue is that after 15 years he doesn't want to "admit" publicly that he's with you. And I couldn't be with someone who's that lukewarm and meh about me.

humourme194 · 11/02/2022 18:07

He's fucking other women, or at least trying to. But has a comfy thing with you.

Massive, garish, flashing red flag!!!

BOOTS52 · 11/02/2022 18:33

So does he sit every evening on face book and that is what he spends all your evenings doing. What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds rude arrogant and seems to be acting like he is single on there and loving the attention he is getting while he is ignoring his real relationship in the real world. I can never understand how people give all their energy to face book and the likes. Must be deeply insecure to need all that attention from people they have never met. You need to sit down and have a conversation with him. He will probably tell you you are insecure etc crazy but if this is how he spends his time and ignores you then you have bigger issues. Do you still do things together, does he pay his way. You really need boundaries and to decide are you really happy or just settling because it is familiar. I would be telling him to feck off him and his face book. What age are you both. Don't be disrespected or treated as if you do not matter.

SmellyOldOwls · 11/02/2022 18:35

@aquamarine2

status single. He doesnt want me as his friend on FB. No kids. house mine.
Bin!
Toodleloodle · 11/02/2022 18:38

I'm sorry - you've been together for 15 years and he doesn't want you as a FB friend? That would ring serious alarm bells with me. What's he hiding?

MissMaple82 · 11/02/2022 18:46

I have had this with my ex of a good number of years. I used to send requests but he would just ignore them. He was an abusive man and treated me terribly. After we split he has since had a number of girlfriends that have all been acknowledged and added on his Facebook! As sad as it is Facebook is shallow it's a way to show off and he doesn't want to show you off. You need to trust me when I say, you should to leave him and move on. There's a reason he doesn't want you on there, it's because he thinks very very little of you, is possibly embarrassed by you, he doesn't want potential other women to know about you and he wants the freedom to flirt. It is a major red flag for the relationship and it speaks volumes about his feelings towards you if you are prepared to actually take notice of it. Leave him and find someone who values you.

BOOTS52 · 11/02/2022 19:01

Good advice from other's on here. Talk to him and if you are not happy and if he tries to undermine you tell him that him and his face book can feck right off and hope they are happy together. I had an ex and he used to call over for a chat and a coffee but instead he would just sit there on his face book looking at his friend's teenage daughters and other women, I called him out on it and he tried to say I was insecure jealous, no I was pissed off that he would call over and spend his time on face book as so rude and then weird always looking at those younger young women in late teens. He turned out to be emotionally abusive and a narcissist. I should have listened to my gut as would have saved myself years of hell and my soul/spirit being crushed. Please let us know you are ok.

MsDogLady · 11/02/2022 20:51

This guy has cheated on you at least twice. When caught he expects you to suck it up and not mention it again.

You’ve also commented that he is selfish, lives in your house but doesn’t help you with bills or food, and lacks empathy for others.

His exclusion of you at the pub and FB are just more of his same faithless behavior.

Aquamarine, why on earth are you still diminishing yourself with this disloyal, using Loser? What would be an actual dealbreaker for you?

MsDogLady · 11/02/2022 20:56

Meant to add: You deserve a kind, loyal, committed partner who enriches your life. You’ll never have that with this man.

CornishTiger · 11/02/2022 21:03

Don’t use your energy catfishing. Use it on getting him gone.

babyjellyfish · 11/02/2022 21:11

I get why some people don't want to put their relationship status on Facebook but not being friends with your partner on Facebook is super weird.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 12/02/2022 23:30

Wow. That’s extremely rude and not very nice. Seems a bit shady to me. He sounds like a pig. You deserve better OP

ALongHardWinter · 13/02/2022 00:56

I had this very same scenario with my ex. Just one of multiple reasons that he is my ex.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2022 01:06

Oh FFS woman. Stop being such a compliant doormat. Kick the fucker out.

Wafflesnsniffles · 13/02/2022 01:23

Sounds to me like your role in his life is to provide him with a roof, a bed, to cook and to clean for him.

Get rid!

DryOldCaper · 13/02/2022 01:29

Jesus H…. 😑

Do people not understand how relationships work anymore?

You’re supposed to actually like each other.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 13/02/2022 02:08

DH and I aren’t Facebook friends.

He only joined to get updates from his sports club as it’s where all communication is done.

He didn’t have anyone as a friend at first but over the years people have found him and added him. He probably has under 30 friends on there, mainly my family as he’s closer to them than his own.

He has his status set to married though and posts pics of us and the kids occasionally. He’s rarely on there.

I also know all his phone and app passwords/logins because he’s hopeless with technology and always asks me to help him lol.

Your situation sounds a bit different though and would raise a red flag for me.