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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your help with creepy guy at work

51 replies

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:01

There is a man at my work. I know through other people that he has been through a break up recently and is now really lonely.

English is not his first language and he is older (late fifties / early sixties) and I find it difficult to communicate with him effectively.

He has made some comments which are quite creepy. There is a young woman (20yo) at work who he has approached and said he wants a girlfriend and he likes young, black girls - she has Indian heritage. He has asked where she is when she is off and when I've said she's visiting her boyfriend he has started saying what a shit town he lives in etc.

He has now started coming up to me and calling me sweet, beautiful etc in his own language, which I understand a little of. I'm quite new there and I laughed it off. There is a lot of joking and silly banter at my work, so it didn't seem that weird and I also made the classic mistake of feeling a bit sorry for him .

Anyway, he really made me uncomfortable last week when I was working and he sidled up beside me and said quietly into my ear "I like you" in English. I sort of froze and pretended I didn't hear it. Yes, I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I have to work in the same area as him again next week. I'm thinking that if he starts all the "sweet, beautiful woman" crap i just say "can you stop that please? You are making me uncomfortable".

I am moving on soon and he actually isn't the only creepy male staff member, which is one of the many reasons I'm moving on after only a few months. Do I report him to HR or is that massively over dramatic? I have an exit interview as well, so I may just mention it in a general way there. But I'm also tempted to ask the extremely lovely HR Adviser to keep an eye out by email today.

Mentioned it to my husband who was equally weirded out by the "I like you", but mentioned it to an older woman at work who said "ah bless him".

Thoughts?

OP posts:

CounsellorTroi · 11/02/2022 10:04

This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud now. Does he have a line manager you could have a word with?

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:05

She doesn't have an email address (housekeeping team) and English also isn't her first language.

OP posts:

Etinoxaurus · 11/02/2022 10:08

Boundaries.
Never banter or flirt at work. Stare and ask him to repeat himself if he asks a question you don’t like. Definitely mention it at exit interview.

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:10

The hr adviser is amazing and friendly/professional, but I think I need to at least try telling him to stop it first? Or should I mention it in an informal way to her and also tell him to stop it? She may ask his line manager then to keep him away from our work area. We are an all female team and he doesn't need to be lurking round us.

We also do shifts and start v early in the morning, so there aren't many other people around. It isn't comfortable when he's hanging round

OP posts:

Amibeinghighmaintenance · 11/02/2022 10:10

Report report report

IntermittentParps · 11/02/2022 10:12

Report him, and all the other creepy male staff members. Zero tolerance.

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:13

Do you think reporting is a bit much? I think I might, but in a really informal way as I do think I didn't help matters by being too friendly. It's so annoying though. I am friendly to everyone at work. Why do some men take friendliness to mean "she must want to have sex with me"?

I'm 38 and overweight (size 18) BTW. Not a gorgeous young thing. Honestly thought I was quite safe from this shit now

OP posts:

T00Ts · 11/02/2022 10:13

You don’t need to try to say anything directly to him first. In fact, I’d suggest saying anything to him directly is a bad idea. It could escalate. Go straight to HR and report it to them. He sounds desperately misguided at best, frightening and predatory at worst.

What industry do you work in?

ImprobablePuffin · 11/02/2022 10:13

Why do you think reporting harassment is 'too much'?

DysmalRadius · 11/02/2022 10:14

Talk to HR - it sounds like he might be preying on more vulnerable staff members, so he needs addressing formally rather than just by whoever feels strong enough to confront him.

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:14

@T00Ts, can you guess? Hospitality of course. Creepy business. I'm getting out of the whole industry now.

This is a really reputable place, so I didn't think this would happen there and tbf, it really isn't all Hospitality places. I've had some great, fun, professional environments. This just isn't one of them

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 11/02/2022 10:19

@Bitcreepy

I'm 38 and overweight (size 18) BTW. Not a gorgeous young thing. Honestly thought I was quite safe from this shit now

No, it's not too much; it's harassment, however well/innocently he means it. A good HR person/team won't necessarily go in like a ton of bricks but will let him know that it's inappropriate.

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:20

Thanks for all of this advice. I needed to know I wasn't being a drama llama.

I've asked the HR adviser to call me today if she can and if she can't I will put it in an email

OP posts:

MarisPiper92 · 11/02/2022 10:21

@ImprobablePuffin

Why do you think reporting harassment is 'too much'?

Exactly this - don't minimise. Just because he hasn't hurt you or frightened you doesn't mean it isn't harassment. Report him, and the rest of them, before this low-level creepiness turns into something more serious.

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:24

I think I wasn't sure whether to report because I haven't been there long and I'm leaving soon too, but some other poor bugger is going to take my place soon, so I do want to let them know to keep an eye on him as he'll probably take a shine to the next woman who comes in.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2022 10:28

@Bitcreepy

We also do shifts and start v early in the morning, so there aren't many other people around. It isn't comfortable when he's hanging round

If you don't mention it, he'll just move on to the next one when you go.

Tell HR

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 11/02/2022 10:30

God this makes me shudder. If you're brave enough tell him how you feel.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 11/02/2022 10:31

Please don't feel you need to minimise his behaviour, it makes you uncomfortable and you should trust your instincts. Even if HR doesn't call you back put it in an email and also mention it at the exit interview. The next woman he picks on may not be as strong as you and he may escalate his behaviour.

Predatory men can just piss off, zero tolerance.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/02/2022 10:37

I’m glad you’re going to report. He will continue to do this otherwise.

I know his actions are not the reason you are leaving but it may be for the next woman he harasses. Women should be able to go to work without being made to feel uncomfortable and not leave jobs that suit them because of things like this. We all need to report this kind of anti social behaviour

MinnieGirl · 11/02/2022 10:50

You need to report this to HR immediately.
As English is not his first language, he could pretend to not understand etc if you speak to him directly.
You are leaving because of his behaviour, and others.
That definitely needs to be reported so they can address it.
It is just not acceptable to have to deal with this

Original poster

Bitcreepy · 11/02/2022 10:54

Thanks. I'm drafting an email now. If I don't hear back from HR by the end of the day, (office hours, not hospitality hours), I will send it.

OP posts:

Thisfridaysadhdaccount · 11/02/2022 10:56

Report. It's not about his intention but how it makes you feel.

"Oh he's harmless" - eh, who cares? You're allowed to find it creepy. And to report him. Does t need to be a big drama, just go to HR and tell them his behaviour made you uncomfortable because it's unprofessional and you wanted to let them know.

twoshedsjackson · 11/02/2022 11:00

You say that this is, generally speaking, a good place to work. The HR team will, if this is true, be proud of their good reputation, and keen to retain good members of staff. You are doing them a favour by altering them to the reason that potentially valuable members of staff are quietly absenting themselves, weakening the strength of the team.

nitsandwormsdodger · 11/02/2022 11:02

Has it occurred to you that he is single BECAUSE he is a creep you don’t know what he put his partner through
Never allow anyone to get away with inappropriate behaviour just because he is foreign or different culture sexual harassment needs to be ended universally globally

Chasingaftermidnight · 11/02/2022 11:02

Absolutely report (as you are doing) and no you are not being a drama llama - it’s totally unacceptable and I hate that women think they’re being ‘dramatic’ if they complain about unacceptable male behaviour.

There was a creepy guy at my work who everyone dismissed with the ‘oh he’s harmless’ trope. Then he sexually assaulted on a junior female member of staff on a night out. Not so harmless, it turns out.

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