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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get married and tell no one

51 replies

Ohtheaudacity · 10/02/2022 20:56

First off I know I’ll get lambasted for not already being married. But DP and I both come from broken homes with awful examples of married couples. So, DP and I have 2 kids together. Very happy. Mortgage, joint bank accounts, and so on. But we’re not married. We were watching The Crown the other eve and for some reason it brought us round to whether we would/should get married. We both agree that if we did we wouldn’t want anyone to know, we’d want to be married on paper for legal/financial reasons but wouldn’t want a big white wedding or even our families there. Does this sound mad? I love my partner, I see him as my forever person and I feel like we should be married. Has anyone been married and done this? Or would it be better if we stayed unmarried? TIA

OP posts:
Footnote · 10/02/2022 21:00

What about a civil partnership?
We didn’t actively tell anyone but parents when we got married but I mention it if it comes up or if someone asks.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2022 21:00

I would just go to the registry office and get married. No fuss, no fanfare. That's what my husband and I did. Yes, I think you should get married.

PotteringAlong · 10/02/2022 21:01

I think legally it’s better if you are married, more so in death than life potentially, so I would definitely get married.

But I would also tell people you were. Imagine finding out your children got married without even telling you. I imagine you would be incredibly hurt. Don’t invite anyone if you don’t want to. But I would at least mention it.

FindMeInTheSunshine · 10/02/2022 21:01

Definitely get married for the legal protection. And, don't tell anyone if you don't want to. There's absolutely no reason to have a party, but I imagine it would gradually come out and you could just say " oh, yes, we just had a quiet wedding ages ago"!

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2022 21:02

Marriage offers protection. You want the protection, so get married. You don't want the wedding, so don't have one. You need a couple of witnesses so would you want it to be someone you know or risk looking for strangers?

38woman · 10/02/2022 21:03

Sounds perfect to me. Just the two of you, your way. Do it!

DiddyHeck · 10/02/2022 21:03

I understand why you might not want a big white wedding, but once you're married why wouldn't you want anyone to know?

jowly · 10/02/2022 21:05

I got married nearly 35 years ago and told most people afterwards. No real 'wedding'. No regrets.

alwayswrighty · 10/02/2022 21:05

You don't have to tell anyone you're getting/are married. You just need a couple of random witnesses.

newnameforthis76 · 10/02/2022 21:05

YANBU. If you want to get married, you can do it any way you want.

Equally, you don’t have to get married. I know plenty of couples, with kids and without, who have been together for decades, including me and my DP!

M0rT · 10/02/2022 21:06

I think you should get married for the legal ramifications.
You are happy now and have got through the couple to family stage so there is no reason to think it will change your relationship.
But if one of you were to get seriously ill or worse it's a lot more straightforward if your married.
As a pp said get married at a registry office with no fuss and then if it comes up in a few years with family you can just pass it off as something that happened ages ago.

Vallmo47 · 10/02/2022 21:08

I’d like to do this too. Good luck OP! You’re entitled to do it your way.

Malariahilaria · 10/02/2022 21:10

Wish we'd done this. The ridiculous nonsense around weddings and stupid falling outs drove me bonkers. However I would have snuck away then had a pub party nice and low key to celebrate with people. No set tables. No plus one crap about who comes. Sigh. If only 😂

deleteasappropriate · 10/02/2022 21:10

We went to New York on holiday and decided to get married while we were there. However our kids were teens (they hadn't come with us) and they were really upset when we told them, so my recommendation would be to just do something as a family with your children, just so they're included. I don't regret getting married in the way I did but we didn't really think about how the kids would feel, which we regretted afterwards.

ReturnOfTheBlackSheep · 10/02/2022 21:10

But if one of you were to get seriously ill or worse it's a lot more straightforward if your married.
This, definitely. If one of you is taken ill the hospital won't give the other any information.

TulipsGarden · 10/02/2022 21:13

This is what we'll do if we ever get married (all bases covered except inheritance, so if we end up with enough to qualify for tax we'll have to get a civil partnership). No need to tell anyone, it's a legal agreement. You will need witnesses though.

TulipsGarden · 10/02/2022 21:14

@ReturnOfTheBlackSheep

But if one of you were to get seriously ill or worse it's a lot more straightforward if your married. This, definitely. If one of you is taken ill the hospital won't give the other any information.
This is simply not true. When my partner and I have been in hospital over the years they have been perfectly happy to give out information.
LampLighter414 · 10/02/2022 21:14

YANBU. In basic terms marriage is a legal contract. You gain some financial benefits from it.

There is absolutely no requirement to have your marriage involve religion, a fancy party/celebration, white dresses or anybody attending other than for legal witness purposes.

Dress up a bit with whatever is in the wardrobe, go down to a registry office and get it done. Keep your names the same too if you wish.

Good luck and enjoy

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/02/2022 21:14

Do it, its whatever you both want.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 10/02/2022 21:15

@ReturnOfTheBlackSheep

But if one of you were to get seriously ill or worse it's a lot more straightforward if your married. This, definitely. If one of you is taken ill the hospital won't give the other any information.
Hospitals don't ask to see your marriage certificate do they?

But yes, OP, if you want to be married, you can do it on the quiet. If anyone is offended that's their problem.

I can recommend eloping whilst on holiday in Las Vegas.

lovepigeon · 10/02/2022 21:19

I think its fine to have a small private thing. My husband and I got married with just the person conducting the ceremony and witness. Would have both hated a big thing and enjoyed it being a private promise to each other. We had a small meal with close family around 2 weeks later. Married 11 years now. Do what is right for you and your partner.

Lifeonashoestring · 10/02/2022 21:21

Similarly to a previous thread, family friends eloped to Vegas and called the parents with the 'Happy' news from the airport... It was not well received. The parents felt that the couple had been off and celebrated as they'd gone to Vegas. I do wonder if they'd have been as upset if they'd just popped out one morning to the registery office and signed the marriage paperwork before doing the weekly shop at tesco...?

FredBair · 10/02/2022 21:25

DH and I were together 15 years before we got married. We told parents and one friend but didn't do a "wedding".
No need for a big fuss. Spend the money on something much nicer.

Georgeskitchen · 10/02/2022 21:28

Yes we went to the registry office with two witnesses, and a drink in the afterwards. ( both been married before+ kids) we told family afterwards. They were fine with it 😀

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 10/02/2022 21:31

@Footnote

What about a civil partnership? We didn’t actively tell anyone but parents when we got married but I mention it if it comes up or if someone asks.
We did this too. Wanted the legal bits but none of the fuss –it was perfect!