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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get married and tell no one

51 replies

Ohtheaudacity · 10/02/2022 20:56

First off I know I’ll get lambasted for not already being married. But DP and I both come from broken homes with awful examples of married couples. So, DP and I have 2 kids together. Very happy. Mortgage, joint bank accounts, and so on. But we’re not married. We were watching The Crown the other eve and for some reason it brought us round to whether we would/should get married. We both agree that if we did we wouldn’t want anyone to know, we’d want to be married on paper for legal/financial reasons but wouldn’t want a big white wedding or even our families there. Does this sound mad? I love my partner, I see him as my forever person and I feel like we should be married. Has anyone been married and done this? Or would it be better if we stayed unmarried? TIA

OP posts:

ReturnOfTheBlackSheep · 10/02/2022 21:35

Hospitals don't ask to see your marriage certificate do they?
I don't know how it works, it I do know that when my cousin's husband was suddenly taken seriously ill and they wouldn't give her any information. The first thing they did when he was out was to get married secretly and then a while later let family know.

ClaryFairchild · 10/02/2022 21:37

My friend was in the same position and they had a registry wedding and invited their parents because she knew how genuinely hurt they would be to not get invited. It was a fun day for her, their DC got to dress up and have a celebratory lunch. A nice new dress and matching tie for herself and her DH, dress for DD and a shirt and tie for DS.

Afterwards life went on as normal but with the knowledge that pensions, life insurance, inheritance, and most importantly next of kin was sorted.

BurntO · 10/02/2022 21:38

Marriage isn’t romantic, it’s a legal binding. Do it and it offers security in your position.

Colinthedaxi · 10/02/2022 21:38

Yes do it! I've been "widowed" from a long term relationship and I now warn everyone not to be as stupid / naive as I was.

Also, I'm about to do the same, quiet wedding, venue hosts as witnesses, but still lots of cake!

Wednesdayafternoon · 10/02/2022 21:39

Are you close to your family OP?
I totally support you having your wedding to your own taste and how you want it but just consider how your family would feel if/when they find out and whether it would be worth hurting them.

Personally I think have your private wedding but I would keep it a secret, if you are close with your family and friends.

SmellyWellyWoo · 10/02/2022 21:40

Civil partnership, almost identical legally to a marriage but without the archaic patriarchal baggage of a marriage.

Hankunamatata · 10/02/2022 21:41

My aunt and uncle took half day from work. Went to registry office, got married, came home, aunt shoved certificate in the draw and then asked uncle what he wanted for tea. Only came out years later.

NeverChange · 10/02/2022 21:43

It's my dream wedding. Seriously, I would hate the fuss, hassle, expense and planning of everything else.

You don't have to justify your choice to anyone else. It's about what's right for you. It's a good ideal for legal, tax, inheritance reasons etc.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Butchyrestingface · 10/02/2022 21:44

✔️✔️ to getting married and doing it privately and quietly.

Why wouldn't you tell anyone you had got married though? Sounds a bit precious.

Ragwort · 10/02/2022 21:57

Yes, just do it quietly for the legal protection - the marriage is so much more important than a 'wedding'. I had a very quiet wedding, I did tell people (five - they joined us for lunch) & that was it ... married over 30 years and no regrets about the way we got married. My DPs had an even quieter wedding - just two guests, they were married over 60 years.

Ragwort · 10/02/2022 22:00

Wednesday not all families would be upset if they weren't involved in their DC's wedding ... my worst nightmare is being 'mother of the groom' .... I would love it if my DS got married quietly and told me (or didn't tell me) afterwards.

Alcoh · 10/02/2022 22:01

I got married to my second husband just as Covid was striking. We did it for each other. We are having the big party soon. But it means so much we got married. It’s symbolic. Go and do it.

rattlemehearties · 10/02/2022 22:04

We did this. Registry office. Cheapest package. Two witnesses. Most people don't know we are married. We did it for the reasons you mentioned as it makes things less stressful to future proof now we have kids.

Skeam · 10/02/2022 22:04

Not mad at all. We’re both very fond of our families, but didn’t fancy a big fuss — and as we’re both from big families, all of whom lived in another country to where we were marrying, even inviting immediate family would have been a sizeable wedding and a lot of faff — so we just did it one Tuesday morning with two friends who happened to be free as witnesses, and didn’t tell anyone at all other than said (discreet) friends for several years. Do it.

Skeam · 10/02/2022 22:06

@Butchyrestingface

✔️✔️ to getting married and doing it privately and quietly.

Why wouldn't you tell anyone you had got married though? Sounds a bit precious.

So no one can scream about being denied their chance to wear a fascinator, have a choice of chicken or beef, and dance to the Birdie Song?

BiBabbles · 10/02/2022 22:08

Doesn't sound mad at all, though you may both want to have in hand what you'll say if it comes to light.

I did this nearly 20 years ago, we told no family, just a few people my now-spouse went to uni with who were the witnesses - quick ceremony, took them out to a little Italian place nearby for lunch, they left and and my spouse and I went to an art cinema up the road. It was lovely.

My in-laws found out by accident, we told them we just hadn't wanted to hear people's opinions on it yet which they told us was fair enough and later we discussed that yeah, we were in the right there - they were some of the most supportive people I've known, there was no issue with my spouse and them as there was with my family and me, but they were blunt as hell.

I've never told anyone on my side of the family, but they live on the other side of an ocean which makes that a lot easier.

I've talked to our kids about it, told them my reasoning and if they follow in my footsteps - it might sting if they do it for similar reasons, but I teach them that their personal information is their own and to be careful sharing it if they don't feel safe or comfortable. If I've created an environment like I had where the discomfort and risks of sharing it felt far greater than the benefits of celebrating with me, well, I've got to take a good chunk of the blame for that even no matter how I feel about it. If they just do it for low stress and I found out, then the apple isn't falling that far then & I can laugh about that.

AuntyJanet · 10/02/2022 22:08

Not unreasonable.

If I’d had my way it’s exactly what we would’ve done. I enjoyed my wedding but would’ve been far happier just the two of us, quick ceremony, and a meal out.

TDCtomorrow · 10/02/2022 22:12

We did this. Only told immediately family. It was perfect

Thewindwhispers · 10/02/2022 22:18

Being married is lovely 🥰 and it comes with a host of legal protections and convenient next of kin stuff. Plus you can holiday in Dubai etc.

If you don’t want a big cheesy wedding don’t have one, it’s not really got anything to do with being married. Just work out what you want and do it. If it was me I’d just do a registry office thing, or perhaps go to Gretna Green for a mini break, they’re pretty good at fast no fuss weddings with a dash of romance up there.

DeliaOwens · 10/02/2022 22:18

Yep. You do you.

Marriage versus wedding.

They are not interchangeable. You can have one without the other.

MargosKaftan · 10/02/2022 22:26

I know a few people who wanted to be married, but not get married. One couple just booked a half day off work, went to the registrar office and got married wearing what they've put on for work that day, using witnesses from the council chambers. Told a few people later. Another couple already had a fly drive holiday in the US booked and so got married in Vegas while there anyway. 3rd couple made the mistake of discussing with family and ended up spending thousands on a wedding they didn't want.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 10/02/2022 22:28

We went to Vegas 😀

Told people beforehand but didn't invite anyone to come with us. We wanted a marriage but weren't fussed about the wedding so decided we'd combine doing the deed with a holiday.

ChefJones91 · 10/02/2022 22:40

YANBU… marriage and wedding do not need to be mutually exclusive….there is no need to spend a fortune on a party

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2022 22:54

Doesn't sound mad at all. I hope the two of you have a very happy wedding, done the way you want.

downtonupton · 10/02/2022 23:11

my parents' best friends got married without telling anyone - my parents were witnesses at register office and then they went out for a nice meal. They were old hippies and very proud of not being married and 'buying in to the establishment' in that kind of way. But they realised it was better for pensions and inheritance etc so did it quietly. They have two grown up children, not sure if they knew before or after but they were OK about not going.

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