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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nightmare NY - Forced to tell...forced out...

76 replies

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 09:47

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you had a good one.

I know I must win moaner of the year award but this is my last one, promise. Here goes...

New Year's Eve. We had decided to stay in what with having DS (16 months) and me in early days and crippling tiredness stages of pregnancy #2. We normally go to my parent's for dinner with a few people which ends up in a bit of a drunken party which is why we weren't going, but then my sister told me hardly anyone was going and it was just going to be a quiet dinner. She swore there would be no dancing on chairs. So we agreed to give it a go (despite having disastrous experience on Christmas Day where we had to get DS out of his bed and drive home.)

First part of the evening was great - DS went down like a dream (he normally takes ages to settle when we've tried to get him to sleep there) we all had dinner and it was fine. We have just decided to tell people I'm pregnant but only immediate family and bestest friends as I'm not quite 7 wks. So we're at the table, (me, DP, parents, my aunty, my sister, her bf, sister's friend and her bf) and my mum says in front of everyone:

"are you going to make an announcement?" So I said no. But obviously then everyone knew; my aunty I didn't mind so much but sister's friend + bf I wasn't mad about as we see them about twice a year but they are on my Facebook and I don't want my good friends finding out second hand on there before we get to tell them. Plus DP hasn't even told his own grandparents yet, and here's our news being dished around the wider world - another aunty called at midnight and my mum merrily told her too. I feel bad saying I don't want to tell x,y,and z, but then, we bloody didn't want to!

Next problem. Just before midnight my sister turns the tv on directly under DS's room really loudly and gets arsey when I tell her to shhhh. Then as soon as it's midnight, suddenly, the music goes on with my dad whacking it up really loud and whaddya know, everyone's singing and shouting. Shortly afterwards, obviously, DS wakes up, won't go back to sleep because of all the racket, and we end up having to bundle him into the car at 1am, coming home. He now thinks it's play time and won't settle, screams until 3.30am and I end up sleeping on the floor in his room with him, which I have never had to do in 16 months.

I'm aware that I sound like a barrel of laughs wanting to kill a party, but the whole thing's just made me really annoyed. The dinner was lovely, but I didn't want our news announced to anyone and everyone, and there was no allowance made for the fact that DS was asleep upstairs. When we left my mum said "oh dear, do you think it was us who woke him up?" !!! and "well surely he'll just go back to sleep" and "why didn't you tell us about the noise?" Last year we asked once on Christmas Day if the stereo could be turned down a bit and DP got dirty looks and told by my sister not to be so stupid as "babies sleep through rock concerts." My sister who doesn't know any babies and doesn't go to rock concerts!

So there we have it. We just shouldn't have gone but we were assured it would be different. The worst thing is, I think I heard my sister ranting about how if we don't like the noise we shouldn't have come (I think) which is a bit rich since it was her who got us to go! I definitely got the impression that it was all about doing whatever and we either fit in or f-off. I think just no one appreciates how hard it is to have a baby at an all night party - my parents have definitely forgotten. When my sister was tiny and napping we were all either thrown out of the house or had to sit 1cm from the silent tv so as not to "wake the baby."

Am I being unreasonable to be so fed up this morning? DP's really angry about the whole thing too. And how on earth do we handle this now without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/01/2008 09:56

It sounds like one of those situations when you think 'I knew I shouldn't have gone, why the bloody hell did we go?' I get really annoyed with myself when things like this happen.

Don't let it turn into an arguement with your dp. You are both on the same side really, cos you both had a shit time and you're both pissed off about it all. Don't even try and defend your family, as this will start an arguement with your dp.

Sorry you had a shit NYE, but have a lovely day today with your dp and ds instead xx

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 09:59

Thanks ILikeToMoveItMoveIt. You're right, I am more annoyed with myself than anything. Me and DP are both together on this, we're just both really annoyed with my family. And I'm trying to figure out if I should be or if they're just all happy party people and we're just like a big black cloud on the festive horizon. Or something....

OP posts:
cherryredretrochick · 01/01/2008 09:59

Big hug, sounds very stressful. Just remember it won't happen again for another year. See if dh will look after ds and go back to bed!!!

PrismManchip · 01/01/2008 10:01

I think you manfully ignore everything.
Breezily call everyone and wish them Happy New Year and thanks for the dinner and don't mention it.
Families love to get a rise out of each other: they do it naturally, not with any premeditation. It's weird.

Tortington · 01/01/2008 10:07

i thnk you let this wash over you its really not so bigger deal as to piss of members ofyour family by having an argument with them - that you must do though is not forget
once bitter - ok
twice bitten you have your suspicions confirmed

if you do it again next year your plain stupid!

i think a major part of accepting my family and its role within the wider families is to come to the conclusion that we should do what makes us happy and if oher people dont like it then hard shit.

xmas and new year should be done your style your way, next year stay at home and if your parents sister and other family members are truly fucked to see you in any way they will come to you for a visit

in your home you are the matriarch and queen of your castle.

re the not telling all and sundry about your pregnancy before you do - well either you should have told them to keep it to themselves or you should o a ring round your friends.

there was a thread yesterday about PILs not being arsed one way or another about the announced pregancy and this annoyed the poster

your family are obviously happy and want to celebrate this great news by passing it on - and they are still in the wrong - so cut them some slack

and next time your pregnant keep it to yourself

sarahloumadam · 01/01/2008 10:09

Yanbu. I am also v.annoyed with myself for taking 5 week old to family party last night. Tried to settle him in a bedroom but the noise was unbelievable! There is always a certain amount of pressure to attend these things i think. My new years resolution is to trust my instincts more! hope you have a good day today and lots of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

carmenelectra · 01/01/2008 10:16

Think you have probably learned your lesson now re: 'its not going to turn into a party', at least you wont do it next yr and be foOled!

aS FOR THE PREG ANNOUNCEMENT, I THINK ITS AN UTTER CHEEK WHEN PEOPLE ANNOUNCE IT FOER YOU.
Sorry for capitals there!

When i was early preg at beginning of 2007 i didnt want tell anyone at work till after first scan for various reasons -i told everyone first time round really early and pregnancy seemed to go on forever, also im a lot older now and was worried maybe everything wouldnt be ok. I told one friend at work who told another (who is also my friend but a bit gobby) and one day i went into work to find everyone knew but was pretending they didnt. I was madder than mad.

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 10:18

Custardo - you're spot on. That thread re the PILs - that was me too! Talk about extremes; one side don't care and the other side go against our express wishes and are telling anyone! That's the thing, I wouldn't care but we specifically said that the news was not to be told to anyone but immediate family for the time being. It's our baby and it feels like the whole thing is being taken right out of our hands.

OP posts:
dooley1 · 01/01/2008 10:23

It sounds like a case of too much family overload.
Don't make it into a big issue, plan lots of lovely family things with your baby and your dh and after a couple of weeks of no family you'll be able to tolerate them a bit better
Everyone gets fed up of family at this time of year, you are not alone.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/01/2008 10:23

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 01/01/2008 10:27

boho - i was interested enough to post if thats any consolation

cod -sometimes your just a bitch

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 10:31

Thanks custardo.

Yeah, s'only a baby, but it's our baby and it's not quite 7 weeks, why should I be forced to tell the world and his dog?!

OP posts:
looneytune · 01/01/2008 10:32

I totally understand why you wouldn't want others knowing and if your family knew that, they should have respected it. Also can see why the party thing annoyed you as you were told it wouldn't be like that. Definitely don't let them fool you again but agree it's not worth an arguement. Just try and enjoy today with your little family

As for Cod's comment, agree with custardo!!!

looneytune · 01/01/2008 10:33

boho - just ignore cod, she really is a bitch sometimes!

FluffyMummy123 · 01/01/2008 10:33

Message withdrawn

whispywhisp · 01/01/2008 10:50

You don't need to 'worry about handling this now without it turning into an argument'...because it is up to you and your DP to not allow it to turn into an argument. You simply walk away. Concentrate on your lovely relationship with your DP, enjoy being a Mum to your LO and enjoy your pregnancy. You have enough on your plate without worrying about the situation with your family. x

whispywhisp · 01/01/2008 10:50

iCod: go get a life.

theslownorris · 01/01/2008 10:53

I agree it's not on that your family announced your pregnancy but maybe you over-reacted re your son waking up. I'd have stayed but let the rest of the family deal with him,after all it is a one off.(I am relaxed about my children's bedtimes though ) Maybe they'll take note next time when you ask them to keep the noise down.

KITTYmaspudding · 01/01/2008 10:55

I think you are expecting a bit much tbh, it's a party, if you take a baby to a party you should expect noise.
You will know better next time. As far as the pg goes, you should say nothing until you want everyone to know.

looneytune · 01/01/2008 11:08

I personally don't agree with having to keep it quiet until you're ready for everyone to know. My family wouldn't dare tell other people without asking me first, they are just happy I told them earlier rather than after 3 months.

A friend of mine is pg but I found out via Facebook and she was gutted. Basically she'd got a pic of her and her dp with a pg test showing 'pregnant' and her sister was supposed to be doing something for her so she could send to her other sister but this sister posted it on Facebook and understandably, my friend was VERY upset about it. I just don't get some people!

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 11:18

Cheers Whispywhisp, you're right re argument.

theslownorris - my family wouldn't deal with DS. They were all hammered and to be honest, wouldn't have anyway.

Kitty - it wasn't supposed to be a party, it was supposed to be a quiet dinner! But yeah, we'll know for next time. And it seems a bit sad that I just shouldn't tell anyone, I should be able to tell people and expect them to respect our wishes to keep it quiet, surely? Very difficult to hide as well at this time off year.

Looneytune - how awful for your friend! That's what I'm scared of too.

OP posts:
MrsCarrot · 01/01/2008 11:22

unless you had specifically said to your mum that she wasn't to mention it at the party then she was probably just excited for you. It is incredibly annoying though.

You are full of hormones and had had little sleep so it feels like a huge deal today. Like others have said, you've learnt your lesson now, if your family says it will be a quiet dinner, it won't!

Was a bit optmistic that new year wouldn't get rowdy maybe? Hope you get some rest today.

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 11:23

Thanks Mrs Carrot! Going straight back to bed when DS does!

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 01/01/2008 11:25

yes agree with cod sorry

I did think 'forced out' was going to be a real problem/ homelessness

there were mners posting about their partners being violent to them and not knowing where to go last night

this is hardly a 'nightmare' if you put it into context

whispywhisp · 01/01/2008 11:26

BOHO - Respect is something you either possess or you don't. And, unfortunately, it is something people tend not to possess when they are drunk!

I think you've just got to put it behind you and move on. Don't let yourself get wound up over it - you were angry last night and disappointed re your Mum at the dinner table pushing you to announce your 'announcement'. She was wrong to do that. But you've got to say to yourself...'I'm big enough and ugly enough to not let this get to me'.....You have to be the grown up in all this and show them you can forget about last night and get on with your life and enjoy your little family...xx

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