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Nightmare NY - Forced to tell...forced out...

76 replies

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 09:47

Happy New Year everyone! Hope you had a good one.

I know I must win moaner of the year award but this is my last one, promise. Here goes...

New Year's Eve. We had decided to stay in what with having DS (16 months) and me in early days and crippling tiredness stages of pregnancy #2. We normally go to my parent's for dinner with a few people which ends up in a bit of a drunken party which is why we weren't going, but then my sister told me hardly anyone was going and it was just going to be a quiet dinner. She swore there would be no dancing on chairs. So we agreed to give it a go (despite having disastrous experience on Christmas Day where we had to get DS out of his bed and drive home.)

First part of the evening was great - DS went down like a dream (he normally takes ages to settle when we've tried to get him to sleep there) we all had dinner and it was fine. We have just decided to tell people I'm pregnant but only immediate family and bestest friends as I'm not quite 7 wks. So we're at the table, (me, DP, parents, my aunty, my sister, her bf, sister's friend and her bf) and my mum says in front of everyone:

"are you going to make an announcement?" So I said no. But obviously then everyone knew; my aunty I didn't mind so much but sister's friend + bf I wasn't mad about as we see them about twice a year but they are on my Facebook and I don't want my good friends finding out second hand on there before we get to tell them. Plus DP hasn't even told his own grandparents yet, and here's our news being dished around the wider world - another aunty called at midnight and my mum merrily told her too. I feel bad saying I don't want to tell x,y,and z, but then, we bloody didn't want to!

Next problem. Just before midnight my sister turns the tv on directly under DS's room really loudly and gets arsey when I tell her to shhhh. Then as soon as it's midnight, suddenly, the music goes on with my dad whacking it up really loud and whaddya know, everyone's singing and shouting. Shortly afterwards, obviously, DS wakes up, won't go back to sleep because of all the racket, and we end up having to bundle him into the car at 1am, coming home. He now thinks it's play time and won't settle, screams until 3.30am and I end up sleeping on the floor in his room with him, which I have never had to do in 16 months.

I'm aware that I sound like a barrel of laughs wanting to kill a party, but the whole thing's just made me really annoyed. The dinner was lovely, but I didn't want our news announced to anyone and everyone, and there was no allowance made for the fact that DS was asleep upstairs. When we left my mum said "oh dear, do you think it was us who woke him up?" !!! and "well surely he'll just go back to sleep" and "why didn't you tell us about the noise?" Last year we asked once on Christmas Day if the stereo could be turned down a bit and DP got dirty looks and told by my sister not to be so stupid as "babies sleep through rock concerts." My sister who doesn't know any babies and doesn't go to rock concerts!

So there we have it. We just shouldn't have gone but we were assured it would be different. The worst thing is, I think I heard my sister ranting about how if we don't like the noise we shouldn't have come (I think) which is a bit rich since it was her who got us to go! I definitely got the impression that it was all about doing whatever and we either fit in or f-off. I think just no one appreciates how hard it is to have a baby at an all night party - my parents have definitely forgotten. When my sister was tiny and napping we were all either thrown out of the house or had to sit 1cm from the silent tv so as not to "wake the baby."

Am I being unreasonable to be so fed up this morning? DP's really angry about the whole thing too. And how on earth do we handle this now without it turning into an argument?

OP posts:
Vacua · 01/01/2008 12:36

think it might be a BIT unreasonable to expect everyone to be quiet on New Year's Eve or to expect a baby to sleep through it all - sad that your pregnancy announcement was taken out of your hands but it's very hard to keep these things quiet once you start letting a few people know innit?

noddyholder · 01/01/2008 12:38

People are selfish and inconsiderate at this time of year and when a bit drunk.I think different rules apply at parties and do's and children can have disrupted sleep and people can say the wrong thing and life goes on.Chill out you're pregnant and in teh grand scheme of things none of this other stuff matters

Judy1234 · 01/01/2008 13:16

I didn't even tell their father until I was 3 months + pregnant with the twins but that's pretty exceptional and I'm sure not standard good practice.

I don't think I'm scary being around but I do get fed up with women who complain and don't act, who enable those things they hate to continue, who complain about men not helping but them belittle their nappy changing as if the man were another child of the family. It's a pattern you see all the time or women who convince themselves only they can get up in the night because the man just doesn't have the skills to deal with the baby. My solution was ear plugs once breastfeeding was given up and a deal that I got up in the first year and he in the second.

I quite like Ruby Wax's quote in her latest column. - "There is a deal in all marriages that the intensity of your slavery depends on how much money your husband makes and shares with you." (and of course how much more you earn than he does... money, power, balance in relationships - fascinating issue)

Judy1234 · 01/01/2008 13:21

Qu, not sure that's wise. I'm very dull. Don't eat sugar, caffeine, wheat, alcohol and don't have a partner.

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/01/2008 13:27

Nothing to handle - They will all have been pissed and won't remember anything about you being a party pooper (and I mean that in the nicest possible way).
Just ignore it. If anyone does mention anything just claim preggy hormones were making you irritable and tired and that next year you will be able to join in with all the fun.
Then next year definitely don't go.

DoubleBluff · 01/01/2008 13:44

A bit melodramatic. It is only one night a year.
Don't stew on it.

pinetreedog · 01/01/2008 14:04

oh. I agree with you, xenia

bohemianbint · 01/01/2008 15:24

Sorry for the melodrama - I'm pregnant!

I agree with pretty much everyone. But maybe whilst it sounds like a big fuss, once DS is awake that means one of us needs to be with him to try and settle him. Probably for hours, because of all the noise. Which is absolutely no fun for either of us and = ratty child + pissed off parents. There is no way we could expect anyone else to look after DP because they were all totally pissed and it would have been a liability!

Apparently it went on til 5am so we did the right thing leaving.

Next year we're going away by ourselves from the 23rd Dec -2nd Jan!

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 01/01/2008 16:14

Wow, so the consensus is that you cannot trust anyone to keep your pregnancy a secret. I think that's very sad.
If I'm lucky enough to have another, I'll basically have to tell our parents, as I was horribly sick with DD and would need their support (babysitting for DD).

Elasticwoman · 01/01/2008 16:31

So what does Xenia do for fun, other than come on MN?

Judy1234 · 01/01/2008 19:51

I don't write about sex, sorry. You'll just have to use your imagination.
I just think being sugar, caffeine, alcohol, wheat free etc hugely enhances your capacity to enjoy life and the things you do in it. I know most people don't agree.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/01/2008 19:53

Message withdrawn

MinkVelvet · 01/01/2008 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beetootoyourself · 01/01/2008 20:02

I thought the bailiffs had been.

It will blow over

You should not sleep on the floor

Next year go away on your own with dh and kids

MrsTittleMouse · 01/01/2008 20:02

Oh ffs MinkVelvet. All of us have different personalities and deal with early pregnancy in different ways. I told my parents because I was struggling with morning sickness and exhaustion. I needed the support. I did not want the whole world to know because we did not want to discuss our infertility with the whole world, and if I had had a miscarriage it would have been very obvious when I failed to conceive another child. Plus if I had a MC, I did not want people coming up to me to congratulate me on the pregnancy and I'd have to tell them I'd lost it. I am a very private person and it would have been Hell.
It is entirely the OP's decission who she wants to know. It is not up to other family members to ride rough-shod over her wishes. 7 weeks is very early on in the pregnancy. Why is that so hard to understand?

MinkVelvet · 01/01/2008 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kindersurprise · 01/01/2008 20:09

My DH's always says that if you cannot keep a secret yourself, do not expect anyone else to do so.

Boho
Is your Mum normally to be trusted with a secret? If so, then you are not being unreasonable in being annoyed. If you know that she is a blabbermouth then maybe it would have been better not to say anything. Not excusing her actions, she was out of order but sometimes you have to protect yourself.

I had 2 m/c before I had my DD so we told NOONE, not even my parents until I was past 12 weeks. Not only because I was worried about my parents keeping it to themselves, but also to save them the worry.

At the end of the day, hindsight is a wonderful thing, Boho. You should put it behind you and at least next time there is a situation like this you will be stronger about sticking to your guns.

MinkVelvet · 01/01/2008 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacanneAbox · 01/01/2008 20:16

I think it does matter MinkVelvet but that comes from experience. I was so excited about my first pregnancy that I told everyone, then I miscarried at 10 weeks. Though some people needed to know (a few at work - I'm a teacher so it's hard to just take time off) and my Mum was definitely one of them, I was in the horrible position of having someone ask me how the pregnancy was going about a month later - someone who I don't see that often, who couldn't have known but I cried for a hour afterwards.

Second time round I told my parents and a few close friends because I knew that if I MC again then I'd need their support.

kindersurprise · 01/01/2008 20:20

Jacanne
That happened to me too, someone who had heard through the office grapevine asked me how little baby was doing. It was so upsetting.

MinkVelvet · 01/01/2008 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 01/01/2008 20:21

One of my colleagues at work was once pregnant. Didn't tell anyone until 7 months by which time it was blooming obvious. Was embarassing. There's a balance IMO.

madamez · 01/01/2008 20:26

SOme people are odd about pregnancy announcements: I remember one or two acquaintances, when told of my PG, actually asked me if I was going to keep it or not . I just about managed to come up with some sort of polite formulation of 'if I was going to have an abortion why the fuck would I be telling you?'
COmmiserations Boho but try not to let it get to you, they didn't mean any harm but I can see it's annoying.

Hulababy · 01/01/2008 20:28

I think you just forget about it, mark it down as experience and move on TBH. I don't think it is a big enough deal to bring it up creating disagreements and bad feeling within the family.

Some babies would be fine in that environment, some not. Only you can judge what works right for you and your baby. You can't really epect others to know, or to realise even TBH - especially when they have had a few too many to drink.

And for the "not telling bit". TBH my experience is that pregnany news is a very difficult secret for excited grandparents-to-be to hold to themselves. I think you have to either not tell anyone at all or risk others finding out before you tell them yourself. It can be a bit annoying yes, but I am sure their heart was in the right place - and it is better than them not being interested at all surely.

Hulababy · 01/01/2008 20:30

I appear to be opposite to others on here - we told everyone early when pg when DD because we had had a mc previously, and I founf it really hard to deal with as no one knew about it to tell them - was very hard when I did speak to my mum for support as had to tell her whole story first.

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