To want some say in when in laws visit?

[Orangepen13]

I will try to keep this brief!

My LO was born in Nov 21 and she’s the first grandchild for both sides of the family.

For context, my family are loving but fairly independent of each other. They often don’t visit that much and would always check. They live about two hours away and tend to come for a 4-5 hours and then leave.

My partners family are intense. They live 4 hours away and all live within 5 miles of each other (the WHOLE family, except my partner). My MIL is the decision maker and often arranges the visits herself, including how long they stay, when they come over, what we eat etc. I don’t think she’s ever challenged on this so sees it as normal. Luckily we’re in the midst of house reno so they can’t stay at our house, but they come
Down for 4 days at a time and come round every single day of that. They’re lovely people, just super overwhelming.

They’ve visited every month since she’s been born and my partner has just told me that they are coming down again in a couple of weeks because his sister wants to visit.

I’d rather they didn’t visit as much. Im not used to this much family time. They’re so intense, here the whole time, and I’m treated a bit like a milk bar there to pacify the baby ready to be handed over again. (When she was 3 wo, I was holding her for pretty much the only time that day and MIL kept saying to FIL “if you ask nicely she might let you hold her again” as if I’d had her all day!). My family are also feeling like they’re here a lot more than them, but I know my parents are being respectful of not visiting too much.

I don’t want to stop all visits. Really, what I want is some control over when they visit and for how long. For example, they say “we want to come down” and we say “sure, why don’t you come X weekend and you can come over these times…”

We had a two hour long argument last night because I said I’d rather they didn’t come so soon (and we’re going up in April). I raised that I have no choice, partner thinks he “asks” me which means I have choice (the fact that me saying I’d rather not leads to a 2 hour argument doesn’t feel like much of a choice to me). I suggested they come down when they planned, but only come over for a day. Partner eventually agrees despite saying repeatedly that that’s rude.

So, I wasn’t that brief haha! But what I want to know is… AIBU for wanting in laws to ask when it’s okay to come down, and for me to then limit it to maybe once every other month?!

It’s hard to say because I know our families are just different, and I don’t want to be unreasonable if actually my family are the weird ones, you know 😂? I also know that I don’t like to be controlled, so find MIL behaviour particularly irks me, when maybe I’m just being triggered unreasonably?

It's a 4 hour drive which means it's understandable they come for more than a day, monthly seems a lot but it's only been 3 /4 visits I'm sure it will drop off. I would pick your battles, put your foot down and say 3 days max and tell her when you are busy, don't let them dictate meals but allow them to help you.

The length of stay is ridiculous. Id suggest they come on a Saturday and go home on a Sunday

Presumably your partner isn't available all 4 days every time so it all falls to you?

For what it's worth once a month is too much but what would happen if you just carried on your usual family routine with the expectation that they fit in? If you showed where the kettle was and expected people to make their own tea for example and carried on with any plans you might have with your baby?

Monthly is too much, IMO and yes, having a row means your partner isn’t giving you a choice. I hope you pointed that out to him and reminded him he needs to consider if he’d like your family visiting so frequently? You’d end up with 2 free weekends a month if lucky!

It's the equivalent to one day every single weekend which feels a bit much, but I think you need to bear in mind, it's the first grandchild and they live a long way away.

Can you suggest three days every six weeks?

We are quite close families, so GPS seeing the dc once a week, if not more, would be quite normal. It must feel intense though if you are not used to living near family and having them all day, every day for 4 days is a lot. If you are being left to host then this is unacceptable, and as pp said, your dh will most likely be at work for 2 of the 4 days if their visits straddle a weekend, so the least dh could do is make sure their visits are when he is there to host.
Why don't you go up to them instead one month? This way you can control length of stay.
I understand how it feels to be overwhelmed with visitors when you have a baby, the night I came home from hospital 10 of dh's relatives turned up at the house. Fortunately for me though dh had my back and was firm about who could come when.

What do you mean MIL tells you what to eat in your own house?

Can you put your foot down on some of this type of stuff? Draw some boundaries about what is appropriate behaviour in your house and then maybe the visits wont feel so overwhelming, and also they wont have such a good time, so maybe will visit less frequently!

I think you'll find the visits drop off as baby becomes less of a novelty.
Presumably your PIL may be retired, but how is everyone else managing to visit for 4 days a month anyway?
I'd suggest alternating visits (so you visit them every other time) and starting to stretch the time between visits.

Are you planning to go back to work or be a SAHP? If you're planning to go back to work, this simply won't be possible once you do, and it may be they are just making the most of your maternity leave.

You need boundaries now. Or you are in for a lifetime of this.
And You and your DH need to get on the same page pronto.

I am a bit nuclear so I would be thinking hard about packing up and taking the baby to my mothers (or get my mum to come down and drive me up to hers if I wasn’t up for the drive) for the duration of their next visit.
I’d give little to no warning of this and Leave him and his parents to it for the weekend and then properly hash it out afterwards.

They don’t seem to give a shit about what you want so maybe return the favour…
Fuck em.

They're not actually staying with you are they?

The novelty will probably wear off when your baby is a bit older anyway, but if they're around for 4 days a month surely you have playgroup visits, swimming etc to go to so they could just come for supper, or your DP could take the baby out with them for the afternoon and give you some space.

If you could reduce the visits to once every six weeks I don't think that's too bad - your DP's family expectations are no less valid than yours - if he comes from a close knit family, it may even be that he misses the contact.

Lots of teachers in the family and both in laws work part time, so visits are timed with school hols most of the time.

I’m going back to work soon (only taking 6m leave) so think I’m also feeling precious about my own leave. But maybe it’s not a battle worth fighting and will drop off naturally?

With the food thing, it’s all well intentioned. MIL will book tables or say “on this day I was thinking we could share food at yours and I’ll bring the food, and on this day we can have a takeaway” etc. So not malicious at all, just overbearing and it dictates the day a bit, IYSWIM.

I would say that wanting to see a new baby monthly is not unreasonable - they change so quickly and it's a special time. I certainly wanted my family to see baby monthly at that age. The issue really seems to be the length of the visits and seemingly the behaviour during the visits. The best compromise would be shorter visits (given the length of the drive I'd still let them do an overnight though), looking at meeting halfway for a day out etc. And also talk to DH about the need to enforce some boundaries when they're around and point out that if you don't have to deal with snippy comments etc you might be a bit more keen to see them!

YABU. How nice that they want a relationship with their GC even though they live far away. My kids are very close to their grandparents, see my parents on a daily basis and in-laws weekly. Also see all their cousins on a monthly basis. Family is very important to us and I love that my kids are just as comfortable with their GPS as they are me.
Think frequency of visits is right. Maybe you could try get more control over what happens during those visits.

My MIL is the decision maker and often arranges the visits herself, including how long they stay, when they come over, what we eat etc

How dare your partner call you rude when THIS is some of the rudest behaviour I've heard about.

Your in-laws sound overwhelming and overbearing and you're not remotely unreasonable. Unfortunately this won't be an easy battle to resolve as it sounds like MIL won't countenance any other way without giving you hell over it, and your partner isn't helping you stand up for yourself. Thoughts and prayers.

I had to have quite a few arguments with my husband about similar when our first baby was born. Basically them telling you they are coming for a visit isn’t giving you a choice, and the length and frequency of the visits are a problem.

We had a similar amount of visits when my eldest was born and I ended up developing postnatal depression, which I partly attribute to my very overbearing mil who completely took over and wouldn’t allow me to hold my own baby for the entirety of her visits.

I don’t know what the solution is. It took a LOT of arguments with my husband to get him on the same page as me and I suspect he still thinks I was a bit unreasonable to not allow them to demand long and frequent visits. I put my foot down when ds2 was born and didn’t allow myself to be treated like a doormat by them but it did not go down well with them at all and I suspect I will face a similar battle when dd1 is born.

As soon as your house is finished, they will be expecting to stay at yours.

My suggestion - when they come for a visit, you take yourself off for a mini break somewhere, perhaps even take baby to visit your family at the very same time. If you're breastfeeding, take baby with you.
Do this a few times and then say to your DH that they don't tell you when they are coming, the ask if the timing is ok for a visit and if you're (as in all of you) are ok for the visit.

Then if they kick off you could say "Oh that's terrible that we'll miss you on that visit. You really should have checked with us first before picking the date to visit".

This sounds horrendous and as you say your partner isn't really giving you a choice. We had similar in that MIL kept trying to say when she was coming down. The only thing that worked was DH standing firm. She got a bit upset but it works now. She can say oh we were hoping to come and visit (if we haven't got in their first with an invite) and then DH goes back with one overnight stay. They try and push it to 2 or 3 and DH just has to stand absolutely firm and say no just the one night.

We had a similar amount of visits when my eldest was born and I ended up developing postnatal depression, which I partly attribute to my very overbearing mil who completely took over and wouldn’t allow me to hold my own baby for the entirety of her visits. I was in a similar situation but was so unwell I actually just snapped at her.. eek.. this is when DH realised it had to change.

I'm in a similar situation OP, although my kids are a bit older. In laws live 4 hours away and when they visit they stay at our house for 4 or 5 days. Spending 16 hours a day for 4 days straight with an overbearing, boundary pushing MIL and a FIL who just sits on his backside all day is no fun. My advice is to set your limits now, before you're 10 years down the line and stuck in the 'this is how we do things' argument. I am 10 years down the line and am planning on sitting out the next visit but my god, the whinging and the pathetic hurt face from DH is annoying. Start as you mean to go on. You are an equal partner in your relationship so you should have a say in their visits.

My ILs can be similar, especially with telling us fully formed plans without consulting us (‘we’ll come to you on Saturday and you can make sandwiches for lunch then DD(SIL) and her family will come over to yours and we’ll all get a takeaway for dinner and then Auntie so and so and her grandchildren will come over…. etc etc etc)

Eventually I realised it is because they are so used to telling DH what to do because of left to him he’d never organise anything - he had a conversation with them, agreed that he’s been useless in the past but now he has a family of his own he is stepping up more and needs to be consulted, not handed a ready made plan.

Looking at why they’re like this may help you find a solution. You have my sympathy, overbearing in laws are hard to handle!

Are they all living in the house with you those four days?

I would say if you're feeling overwhelmed to have "time out" with baby in your own bedroom.

We were very strict with visits at the start, but flipping heck after an hour I just wanted people to go away. Some didn't seem to get the hint it was time to go.

@LookItsMeAgain

My suggestion - when they come for a visit, you take yourself off for a mini break somewhere, perhaps even take baby to visit your family at the very same time. If you're breastfeeding, take baby with you. Do this a few times and then say to your DH that they don't tell you when they are coming, the ask if the timing is ok for a visit and if you're (as in all of you) are ok for the visit.

Then if they kick off you could say "Oh that's terrible that we'll miss you on that visit. You really should have checked with us first before picking the date to visit".

I suggest this too.

When the mother hen says we're coming ..... Just say oh I need to check my diary and get back to you... You are allowed to have other plans.