To want some say in when in laws visit?

[Orangepen13]

I will try to keep this brief!

My LO was born in Nov 21 and she’s the first grandchild for both sides of the family.

For context, my family are loving but fairly independent of each other. They often don’t visit that much and would always check. They live about two hours away and tend to come for a 4-5 hours and then leave.

My partners family are intense. They live 4 hours away and all live within 5 miles of each other (the WHOLE family, except my partner). My MIL is the decision maker and often arranges the visits herself, including how long they stay, when they come over, what we eat etc. I don’t think she’s ever challenged on this so sees it as normal. Luckily we’re in the midst of house reno so they can’t stay at our house, but they come
Down for 4 days at a time and come round every single day of that. They’re lovely people, just super overwhelming.

They’ve visited every month since she’s been born and my partner has just told me that they are coming down again in a couple of weeks because his sister wants to visit.

I’d rather they didn’t visit as much. Im not used to this much family time. They’re so intense, here the whole time, and I’m treated a bit like a milk bar there to pacify the baby ready to be handed over again. (When she was 3 wo, I was holding her for pretty much the only time that day and MIL kept saying to FIL “if you ask nicely she might let you hold her again” as if I’d had her all day!). My family are also feeling like they’re here a lot more than them, but I know my parents are being respectful of not visiting too much.

I don’t want to stop all visits. Really, what I want is some control over when they visit and for how long. For example, they say “we want to come down” and we say “sure, why don’t you come X weekend and you can come over these times…”

We had a two hour long argument last night because I said I’d rather they didn’t come so soon (and we’re going up in April). I raised that I have no choice, partner thinks he “asks” me which means I have choice (the fact that me saying I’d rather not leads to a 2 hour argument doesn’t feel like much of a choice to me). I suggested they come down when they planned, but only come over for a day. Partner eventually agrees despite saying repeatedly that that’s rude.

So, I wasn’t that brief haha! But what I want to know is… AIBU for wanting in laws to ask when it’s okay to come down, and for me to then limit it to maybe once every other month?!

It’s hard to say because I know our families are just different, and I don’t want to be unreasonable if actually my family are the weird ones, you know 😂? I also know that I don’t like to be controlled, so find MIL behaviour particularly irks me, when maybe I’m just being triggered unreasonably?

You deserve to be consulted, OP. If your MIL is basically a good, kind person, there will be a tactful way to suggest that you need to be asked about dates, and can organise things yourself. It does seem it is not so much the frequency of the visits, but the length. Have a prior engagement for the final day of the visit each time they come, having arranged it first. I agree with everyone who says you need to set the boundaries now, as once your house is done the routine may get set in stone.

So they don't actually stay with you and you aren't really hosting them as such if you are eating out, having a takeaway and they are bringing food over to share. Sounds like they are trying to make visits as easy as possible rather than being demanding. They are your DH family and wanting to see your family once a month isn't at all unusual or unreasonable. Just alternate visits so every other month you go to them for a day or two

@Cabriolelegs99

I completely get where you're coming from but at the same time I'd hate feeling like I had to ask permission of my DP any time my parents wanted to come over, especially if they were 4 hours away so we saw them much less than we would if they were closer.

I understand that people have different family dynamics but personally, having been on the other side of this, I would always check in with my other half to at least mention that my family wanted to visit and was it ok with him? Especially if they lived four hours away which would presumably mean they'd be staying over. It's just basic manner/respect.

I wouldn’t ‘ask permission’ as such but I’d always check before agreeing plans that it worked for dh, and the kids too now that they are getting older. I can’t understand why anyone would make plans for their partner/family without asking, it’s almost as though don’t value their partner’s time.

But I just want to be consulted as an adult, which I don’t think MIL is used to because she has always done all the organising

I dislike your husband's willingness to pretend to offer you that consultation & choice but then give you 2 hours of verbal grief about it. Manipulative & aggressive of him ... almost as if you are just the milk bar innit?

Let them make their arrangements.
They can have a lovely time bossing DH about, while you visit your parents, with your baby.
Any grief about it "oh, I thought we all just did our own thing with no need to consult each other or ask preferences. Maybe next time, MiL & co will realise it's worth asking me what dates suit ME, if they want to see our baby."

YANBU!

I think you & DH going up to visit will be a good idea, rather than them always coming to you

That sounds intense but count yourself lucky they are not staying in your home!

My DH "allowed" his parents to stay for 1 whole fucking month after DC2 was born. I didn't really get a say in the duration and I too was told I was being rude & not welcoming by even questioning them staying that long.

And we lived in a cramped 2 bed at the time so were all stuffed in, one bathroom and me with my post natal constipation with FIL hogging the bloody bathroom the whole time.

Getting flashbacks now...