To want some say in when in laws visit?

[Orangepen13]

I will try to keep this brief!

My LO was born in Nov 21 and she’s the first grandchild for both sides of the family.

For context, my family are loving but fairly independent of each other. They often don’t visit that much and would always check. They live about two hours away and tend to come for a 4-5 hours and then leave.

My partners family are intense. They live 4 hours away and all live within 5 miles of each other (the WHOLE family, except my partner). My MIL is the decision maker and often arranges the visits herself, including how long they stay, when they come over, what we eat etc. I don’t think she’s ever challenged on this so sees it as normal. Luckily we’re in the midst of house reno so they can’t stay at our house, but they come
Down for 4 days at a time and come round every single day of that. They’re lovely people, just super overwhelming.

They’ve visited every month since she’s been born and my partner has just told me that they are coming down again in a couple of weeks because his sister wants to visit.

I’d rather they didn’t visit as much. Im not used to this much family time. They’re so intense, here the whole time, and I’m treated a bit like a milk bar there to pacify the baby ready to be handed over again. (When she was 3 wo, I was holding her for pretty much the only time that day and MIL kept saying to FIL “if you ask nicely she might let you hold her again” as if I’d had her all day!). My family are also feeling like they’re here a lot more than them, but I know my parents are being respectful of not visiting too much.

I don’t want to stop all visits. Really, what I want is some control over when they visit and for how long. For example, they say “we want to come down” and we say “sure, why don’t you come X weekend and you can come over these times…”

We had a two hour long argument last night because I said I’d rather they didn’t come so soon (and we’re going up in April). I raised that I have no choice, partner thinks he “asks” me which means I have choice (the fact that me saying I’d rather not leads to a 2 hour argument doesn’t feel like much of a choice to me). I suggested they come down when they planned, but only come over for a day. Partner eventually agrees despite saying repeatedly that that’s rude.

So, I wasn’t that brief haha! But what I want to know is… AIBU for wanting in laws to ask when it’s okay to come down, and for me to then limit it to maybe once every other month?!

It’s hard to say because I know our families are just different, and I don’t want to be unreasonable if actually my family are the weird ones, you know 😂? I also know that I don’t like to be controlled, so find MIL behaviour particularly irks me, when maybe I’m just being triggered unreasonably?

What do they actually say to your husband when they arrange to come down? 'We are coming on x day' or 'can we come...'. Surely he can find a way to say something without being rude like 'it would be lovely to see you but we actually have plans that weekend so can only meet Saturday' or something.

I don't think a visit once a month when you have a newborn is excessive. The visits are quite long though and I think my view on it would be whether they expect to be entertained the whole time or not. If they are down in the area and you do your normal stuff and get on with your own thing and see them for a few hours each day, that would be fine. If they expect to spend 4 entire days straight with you then that's not fine and you need to be firm about carrying on with your own plans. So arrange to meet a friend or go a walk with the babies or something

I wouldnt book a weekend away when they are there though like some posters are suggesting. It's kind of passive aggressive and while it gets the message across I think it could harm your relationship in the future...there are plenty of posts on here from people upset that their in laws arent interested in their children or are more interested in their nieces and nephews than their children, so its nice they want to make the effort to spend enough time with the baby so that they will have a good bond.

I had this with my in-laws. Fundamentally, it's about a lack of respect for you and your DH. That you are now adults with the same status as them, running a separate household. And as such it would be polite to consult you about arrangements and when it would be convenient for them to come and stay, rather than dictating demands. I agree with pp that it's up to your DH to set the tone here, and put some boundaries in place, and not just capitulate to their every wish, but it sounds as though he can't really see that there is a problem, or how, by disrespecting you, they are disrespecting him (ie they haven't switched from adult>adult dynamic, but are still stuck in adult>child dynamic).

You have to make it clear to him that he needs to start preparing the ground now for when you move back home, so he is clear when "when the new house is ready I'm afraid it won't be possible for you to come every month" as we will be too busy then etc. But this depends on your DH accommodating your needs and feelings first, above those of his family, which is the correct priority once you become a husband and father.

I think yabu.

Its 4 days out of a month and they drive a total of 8 hours to see you and they aren't even staying with you. Id suck it up and get on with it. It will get easier when the baby is older and more independent.

I agree with @Hankunamatata , it seems like they really want a good relationship with you all. It's only once a month and they drive a long way, stay elsewhere and organise meals. I don't think its that weird, in fact I think they sound loving and kind. As baby gets older perhaps they can take her out for half a day and give you and dh a break or time together etc.

@Hankunamatata

I think yabu. Its 4 days out of a month and they drive a total of 8 hours to see you and they aren't even staying with you. Id suck it up and get on with it. It will get easier when the baby is older and more independent.

They dictate when they come what they do etc. It's rude. My own mother wouldn't behave that way.

Where’s your partner when they visit?
Is he at work?

How controlling is MIl?

Does your DH host them or does he have to work/work on the house/ go to the gym and expect you to play hostess the whole time? Tell him they can come when he is free to host and no more than that.

Disagree with people saying YABU. YANBU IMO. 4 days every month does seem excessive. It's so bloody difficult with in laws, especially if they live far away as visits always have to be long and when they're not your family or even people you particularly gel with, it just feels like such a drain/ drag. I appreciate to your DH though they are his family and understandably he wants to see them but I would probably ask if the visits can either be shortened to 2 days or be every 6-8 weeks rather than every 4.

I don't understand why families have to live in each others pockets tbh but then although I love mine, we are all independent and think nothing of not seeing each other for a couple of months. It's why I find the in laws so suffocating. But ultimately there needs to be a compromise and I don't think it should be you that has to do all of the compromising either! There visits should either be shortened or less frequent, otherwise everyone else is happy at your expense!

When PIL's came to visit baby for first time, when they left MIL said "it looks like you're all coping"... I think she was secretly hoping we'd need more help!

As baby is getting older you need to start looking at baby groups (for Mondays and Fridays?) and making plans for the weekends - you don't want to be trapped at home. A coffee shop trip with a friend here, a day at the zoo there, A drive to the beach. Doesn't need to be expensive trips - just plans for a couple of hours a weekend which will need to be changed/rearranged to accommodate visits - which of course would not always be possible.... what a shame they didn't check before deciding in a date!
(School holidays are readily available on the local councils websites should you be interested)

In terms of time I don't necessarily think a 1 full day visit a month from grandparents is unusual - and if they live a distance away them staying either side to make the most of the day is fine- but I think 3/4 days over a weekend is too much or it would be for me!

I would say 2 days max, they can get up early on the Saturday, be there lunchtime, and go Sunday lunchtime. DH entertains them

They don’t come during the week unless he takes time off work

@Rory1234

My ILs can be similar, especially with telling us fully formed plans without consulting us (‘we’ll come to you on Saturday and you can make sandwiches for lunch then DD(SIL) and her family will come over to yours and we’ll all get a takeaway for dinner and then Auntie so and so and her grandchildren will come over…. etc etc etc)

Eventually I realised it is because they are so used to telling DH what to do because of left to him he’d never organise anything - he had a conversation with them, agreed that he’s been useless in the past but now he has a family of his own he is stepping up more and needs to be consulted, not handed a ready made plan.

Looking at why they’re like this may help you find a solution. You have my sympathy, overbearing in laws are hard to handle!

100% this - my partner is very passive and the whole family are very much used to being organised! They are really lovely people, not making rude comments, generally I like being around them (just not that much) and they love my LO.

But I just want to be consulted as an adult, which I don’t think MIL is used to because she has always done all the organising (and loved it 😂)

I think it will help as we go up more so MIL can be in her element and I’ve asked partner just to say that we’ll come to them with dates. I think he thinks they’ll be more upset than they are.

It seems like it really depends on what kind of family set up you’re used to as to whether it feels reasonable - and I’m not used to much contact at all 😂

Yeah, 4 days every month is equivalent to half of every weekend. I think cutting the number of visits down by half would be reasonable.

Also op, why don't you play mil at her own game and go and visit them (as the whole of your dh's family lives in the same area)?. Your mil may start to realise that it's not so great having visits foisted upon them without negotiation, and even if she loves it, you will at least have more control over what you do, where you stay, how long you stay?

Sorry op, just read your update about you intending to go up there and visit! Fwiw, I think that's an excellent idea!

Ah see I have a big, intense, close family. We like seeing each other and spending time together regularly. It's always been this way so if DH suddenly turned around and said he didn't like it or wanted the amount of visits to reduce, I'd be really upset.
You've been with him long enough to know what how family is like, I don't think you can now turn around and say that he and his child can't spend as much time with them.

@Orangepen13

With the food thing, it’s all well intentioned. MIL will book tables or say “on this day I was thinking we could share food at yours and I’ll bring the food, and on this day we can have a takeaway” etc. So not malicious at all, just overbearing and it dictates the day a bit, IYSWIM.

She’s trying to be nice and save you work. No good deed goes unpunished. Poor woman.

“ I suggested they come down when they planned, but only come over for a day. Partner eventually agrees despite saying repeatedly that that’s rude.”

You know that won’t happen though, right? They’ll be there every day they’re down and unless you’re happy to be the “bad” guy, there won’t be anything you can do about it 🤷‍♀️

I would find this too much as well - but I also take the point that you're saying she genuinely sees it as normal so won't be aware it's getting you stressed.

Would it be possible to just gently disrupt the status quo a bit, so she gets the message that actually, everyone doesn't necessarily do things the way her family does? Eg., when she goes into the 'I've booked tables here' you say 'ah, sorry, we already booked the pub for that day MIL' or if she's saying 'I was thinking we'd eat x' you say 'oh, I already bought chicken for that day and it needs eating'.

Or, when they're down, if you need a bit of a break you could arrange coffee with a couple of friends and say to your DH and his family you're sure they'll enjoy some catch-up time while you're out for an hour or two?

I don't mean you should do any of those things in a nasty way, just gently going on with your normal life so that MIL gets the message that there are already plans in place.

FWIW my DP's family are a bit like this - they all live very close, and DB and one of my SILs have never lived apart from MIL, so they have got into the habit of assuming that only MIL and the other SIL ever really get to make decisions. For years my SIL would announce she was coming up on Friday, we'd say 'lovely, but DP will be at work and I'll be working from home until 5' and she'd still turn up any time of the day, expecting us to drop everything and entertain her. She gets it now but it took a while!

Eg., when she goes into the 'I've booked tables here' you say 'ah, sorry, we already booked the pub for that day MIL' or if she's saying 'I was thinking we'd eat x' you say 'oh, I already bought chicken for that day and it needs eating'.

Why would you do that? Other than to be territorial and score points? She’s actually doing something nice to save her DiL work when they visit. I wish our visitors did that.

Stuff like this is so hard.

I completely get where you're coming from but at the same time I'd hate feeling like I had to ask permission of my DP any time my parents wanted to come over, especially if they were 4 hours away so we saw them much less than we would if they were closer.

Is there any way you and DH could plan some things to do with everyone during these visits so you're not just hanging around together at your house the whole time?

Also I'd still definitely do some of the things you normally do, even if they are there. See friends for a couple of hours, go to baby groups etc. Take some time for yourself and leave DS with them. Go out with DH for the evening and leave them to babysit.

That way you might be able to spin it more as a positive thing for you.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Ah see I have a big, intense, close family. We like seeing each other and spending time together regularly. It's always been this way so if DH suddenly turned around and said he didn't like it or wanted the amount of visits to reduce, I'd be really upset. You've been with him long enough to know what how family is like, I don't think you can now turn around and say that he and his child can't spend as much time with them.

Why not? Isn't marriage meant to be a compromise? Surely if your DH started to feel that the collective time you spend with your family was getting a bit much, given say a change in circumstances such as a new baby, a promotion, or a physical or mental health issue, a new hobby, then surely the reasonable response would be to discuss it with him openly and try and see his pov? People change, circumstances change, things can't always be set in stone to suit one half of a partnership.

@Blossomtoes

Eg., when she goes into the 'I've booked tables here' you say 'ah, sorry, we already booked the pub for that day MIL' or if she's saying 'I was thinking we'd eat x' you say 'oh, I already bought chicken for that day and it needs eating'.

Why would you do that? Other than to be territorial and score points? She’s actually doing something nice to save her DiL work when they visit. I wish our visitors did that.

I don't mean she should do it to score points. I mean, she should plan her own weekend so that her MIL understands that she has her own life and her own autonomy.

It's very personal what people find helpful and what they find unhelpful. As you say, it sounds as if the MIL genuinely believes she's being thoughtful. It just hasn't occurred to her that her DIL might not want to be booked into a restaurant she's not chosen, and might want to plan her own meals.

If the DIL never explains 'hey but I already have plans' then how is the MIL supposed to know?

I completely get where you're coming from but at the same time I'd hate feeling like I had to ask permission of my DP any time my parents wanted to come over, especially if they were 4 hours away so we saw them much less than we would if they were closer.

I understand that people have different family dynamics but personally, having been on the other side of this, I would always check in with my other half to at least mention that my family wanted to visit and was it ok with him? Especially if they lived four hours away which would presumably mean they'd be staying over. It's just basic manner/respect.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Ah see I have a big, intense, close family. We like seeing each other and spending time together regularly. It's always been this way so if DH suddenly turned around and said he didn't like it or wanted the amount of visits to reduce, I'd be really upset. You've been with him long enough to know what how family is like, I don't think you can now turn around and say that he and his child can't spend as much time with them.

But relationships are about compromise and if your DH found it all too intense or just started to get fed up after years constantly in their company then really you should be offering to go and visit your family more without DH and reducing the visits to yours. There has to be compromise.

@LookItsMeAgain

My suggestion - when they come for a visit, you take yourself off for a mini break somewhere, perhaps even take baby to visit your family at the very same time. If you're breastfeeding, take baby with you. Do this a few times and then say to your DH that they don't tell you when they are coming, the ask if the timing is ok for a visit and if you're (as in all of you) are ok for the visit.

Then if they kick off you could say "Oh that's terrible that we'll miss you on that visit. You really should have checked with us first before picking the date to visit".

I would do this. Your dh is the issue, he should support you more. If you make it clear that any plans have to be agreed with you or you might have plans things will change.