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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get anxious about dc's play dates for fear of being judged by where we live

66 replies

pickpackpeck · 08/02/2022 23:19

For reference we rent a flat in a gentrified middle class area. I do buy nice things but it's hard to do much in a rental in terms of painting/wallpaper etc. My internal doors are awful as is my front door. I really want to stop feeling this way but I just get this overwhelming fear of being judged when a play date is looming. I grew up living in a nice house but this is all my husband and I can afford. AIBU? Would you judge someone on where they live? I mum told me the other day she loves judging people by their house. I've avoided her ever since

OP posts:

SlB09 · 08/02/2022 23:23

Absolutely not unless it was an absolute filth pit and then just in terms of my child playing there. We live in a very comfortable/larger house, most of my friends live in normal houses mix of rental and owned. Couldn't give a toss to be honest, I care more what type of person you are, your morals and that your child isn't a little dick that what your house looks like!!

Fudgein · 08/02/2022 23:25

I live in quite a 'posh' area & my DD's friends are all substantially more wealthy than we are. It didn't bother me much when she was younger as I have a clean, cosy home (rented) and we like it here. However, now that the children have sleepovers at each others houses I realise they do compare and yes I do feel a little uncomfortable. None of the parents have ever commented and are very pleasant so I feel like it is my own issue and I won't prevent my child having friends over because of it. For reference I also live in a flat and her friends have detached 5 and 6 bed houses. So worlds apart really. But you can't help who they are friends with & she obviously mixes well!

Ohlalaohlala · 08/02/2022 23:28

I’d only judge if it was filthy.
In my opinion if anyone comes to your home and judges you on the size/value/decor of your home, they’re not the sort of people you want coming around anyway.

GoingBacktoSchool123 · 08/02/2022 23:31

I live in the big house in a posh area. I wouldn't judge, I'd just be relieved that someone had invited my DC over and didn't pre-judge me as being standoffish when really I'm just shy (despite appearances to the contrary).

MrsGatsby99 · 09/02/2022 05:22

Cosy, homely and clean(ish) are more important than large and posh.
My Parents lived in a nice but ‘normal’ semi in the 80s/90s, I remember my posher friend coming round, I could tell she was a bit judgy. More fool her. Cliché but love and quality of your character are much much more important than

MrsGatsby99 · 09/02/2022 05:23

money 🤣

labyrinthlaziness · 09/02/2022 05:28

I don't judge people on their homes, no.

But until recently our home was very small so we didn't do play dates.

If I were you I would a) only invite back people you get good vibes from - you do right to ignore that judgey parent and b) in warmer weather do park picnics etc instead.

Play dates are optional.

ChocolateMassacre · 09/02/2022 06:01

Not at all. We live in London and around here it's quite common to have families of 6 in a 2 bedroom flat. Quite often someone will be sleeping in the living-room. Probably as a result, playdates in homes seem to be less common... often people meet at the playground or park instead.

Tbh, the one thing that does make me very nervous is when my DS is invited to playdates in pristine houses with perfectly organised toy collections and pale carpets. Both of us feel much more comfortable in homes that have seen a bit of wear and tear, regardless of the size.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2022 06:08

YABU. I never get why people are so bothered about what others think. I used to live in a flat above a pizza shop, could not care less. Anyone who judged me for that can piss off, I don't need anyone's approval.

Kbyodjs · 09/02/2022 06:22

I live in an area with a lot of new builds that are still relatively affordable so everyone seems to have lovely houses and the money to make them nice which can feel quite overwhelming but the truth is that it doesn’t matter how nice someone’s house is as they can have the most amazing house but if they don’t make you feel welcome and aren’t a nice person then you’re not going to go back.

LouLou789 · 09/02/2022 06:27

I know what you mean, but actually it’s a good way of sorting out who you’d want to be friends with anyway, As a single mum I lived in a small house which I kept clean but I had no money for home improvements etc. One day my son came home and said the boy down the road (whom he admired) had said to him “Your house is the only one in the street with a scruffy car and awful windows, why don’t you get new stuff?” The boy was too young to have been that judgy so I pretty much knew not to waste my time on being friendly with the parents after that!

Whoopsies · 09/02/2022 06:30

Agree with pp, I wouldn't judge your home unless it was dirty or very messy. If it's well kept I would overlook any maintenance issues. A school friend of my ds lives in a lovely house with a brand new extended kitchen, but it is filthy. I can't bring myself to go over there again!! That bothers me, but not the things you've mentioned.

RS29 · 09/02/2022 06:34

@pickpackpeck is only judge if it was filthy or unsafe for children. And even then I’d be more concerned that there was something going on than being judgemental!

If someone invited my DS round to play or sleepover I’d want him to be going to a nice friendly and loving home where he could have fun with his friend while there was a responsible parent or 2 there to look after him. I couldn’t care less if it’s in a 6 bed house or a 2 bed flat as long as he’s safe and looked after ❤️

twominutesmore · 09/02/2022 06:35

I would only judge if it wasn't clean and tidy enough for my child to play there safely. I wouldn't care about the value of the home at all. I wouldn't care if it was owned or rented. I wouldn't notice maintenance issues.

Pamlar · 09/02/2022 06:49

I think it's fair to say that people make some assumptions based on how others present their home. But I wouldn't judge them to be better or worse bc of the size or standard. I would be put off if it was smelly, obviously dirty or if the outdoor space was not secure for the kids to play in.
We are lucky to have a large home and I sometimes dread the mothers of playdates turning up to collect and judging me for being spoilt or rich. If they do, that's their problem...

listsandbudgets · 09/02/2022 06:51

Not at all.

We live in a fairly big house now but when DD was born we were in a 2 bed flat. One of her friends came round when she was in reception with her mum who was absolutely charming and sweet and commented what a lovely cosy home we had

DD got invited back. Their entrance hall alone was so big we could have fitted the entire flat in it with space to spare. The whole house was immaculate.. I nearly fainted. Her parents were never anything but lovely when they visited us and I never felt judged.

I would judge a filthy home but never a small or slightly unkempt one

FindingMeno · 09/02/2022 06:56

I'm in the same sort of situation. A clean but humble abode in amongst lots of far far fancier homes.
In my experience my dc's friends love coming here, and I don't give a shit what their parents think about my status.

Vallmo47 · 09/02/2022 07:03

Size and grandeur, not at all. Reasonably clean and pleasant smelling (no drug smell, non smokers etc), friendly people - no problem.
My biggest concerns with play dates with new people are 1) Is it safe, can I trust them to look after my kid and 2) Do they smoke indoors because that’s a no no from me.

adaptiveness · 09/02/2022 07:10

I'm the person with the big expensive house and I am just as nervous that if I invite you to mine you will judge me. Think that I'm rich, my children are spoiled, I vote conservative, take loads of expensive holidays, etc. etc.

It is a shame that we never get invited back, as my kid would love to see other people's houses and toys. Plus I'd like a chance to not have to tidy up in advance, and deal with strops about having to share our toys.

That said, my kid might make some very embarrassing comments about the size of your living room. I'd be mortified, and tell her why this isn't ok, but I can still totally see it happening. Just know that it doesn't mean anything, 3 year olds have no filter and are just as likely to remark on a big room as a small one.

Tardigrade001 · 09/02/2022 07:14

No, I wouldn"t. Especially if you're nice and welcoming. A lot of people have nice houses but are not nice or welcoming. For me it's about the interaction and the experience, not the house.

It's not uncommon for people do judge, though. And older kids. DD2 (Y7) doesn't want to invite friends round because someone said something when we were renting.

lucythejuicy · 09/02/2022 07:16

I would care at all about the size of the house. If I were you I would put a lick of paint in the doors though

lucythejuicy · 09/02/2022 07:16

That should say would not

11stonesomething · 09/02/2022 07:20

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2022 07:32

Whenever I'm on the verge of worrying, I think back to my childhood and how I felt about the houses I played in, and I stop worrying. The houses I loved (and remember fondly) were the ones where I felt comfortable and had fun. I never cared if they were small or shabby or crowded.

What I remember clearly is whose parents were happy to have children in, and whose were reluctant and a little bit strict and frosty. I felt sorry for those kids and avoided their homes.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/02/2022 07:39

In all my times of taking DD1 and DD2 to play dates, only once did I judge the parent and refuse to let DD2 stay. A single mom and daughter in a 2 bedroom detached house. The smell of weed when she opened the door was overshadowed by the smell of cat litter boxes. They had 14 Persian cats. She supplemented her income by breeding and selling kittens. I used as an excuse the truth that DD1 was highly allergic to both cats and smoke and DD2 would be bringing it back to our house. We did have the little girl to our house frequently though - I always washed all the clothes she brought with her and just let her wear DD2s in our house.

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