To get anxious about dc's play dates for fear of being judged by where we live

[pickpackpeck]

For reference we rent a flat in a gentrified middle class area. I do buy nice things but it's hard to do much in a rental in terms of painting/wallpaper etc. My internal doors are awful as is my front door. I really want to stop feeling this way but I just get this overwhelming fear of being judged when a play date is looming. I grew up living in a nice house but this is all my husband and I can afford. AIBU? Would you judge someone on where they live? I mum told me the other day she loves judging people by their house. I've avoided her ever since

Only if it was dirty and really untidy, other than absolutly not, I understand not everybody has the financial or physical ability to decorate or buy fancy things. Please don't let this irrational thought get in the way of your child's enjoyment in life.

Reading everyone's opinions has made me feel so much better! Have a play date looming tomorrow and feeling more positive about it. I adore dc's friends and children in general and we do love hosting pizza party play dates and doing craft activities so I'll have to focus on the positives from now on. Thank you so much everyone!

If someone did a pizza party playdate with my DS so he had all the fun of making pizza and I had none of the bother of supervising and clearing up (and had some time to myself!), I think I would love them forever ! And I wouldn't really care if they lived in a palace or in two rooms above the local betting shop.

I do find it interesting to see the way others live but not in a my house is worth more than yours at ALL…

At our school I am so struck by the fact that even though it is a private school everyone has completely different circumstances for instance - some own property abroad in home countries and rent small flats here, some are much older than others and obviously have more money than those that chose to have children younger. It doesn’t matter to most parents.

I do generally come back from picking up at play dates and tell my DH all about it but it’ll be in a “and they barely keep toys in the main rooms at all, the children play in their bedrooms! Can you imagine? We should be more like that!” or “they have pets and it’s less chaotic than you’d think. Why is it so much chaos here when we have less people and no animals?”.

I'd judge you more if you house wasn't clean, not necessarily tidy. I don't care where people live, we all have our own circumstances to deal with in terms of money. My friends all live in a mix of owned and rented, large and small houses. Brand new and ex council, the kids don't care.

I have quite a nice house but it currently is desperate to be painted (rendered) so I feel awful and that people are judging me on that. Everyone will have something they feel awkward about.

I was brought up in a three bed semi, typical average family home. One of my best friends lived nearby in a massive house with panoramic views over the valley. Very impressive. My mam said the house was absolutely lifting though. She was embarrassed for them when she came in to pick me up. She wasn't jealous at all. At the time I didn't notice though despite being a teenager. I didn't really care about how clean a place was til I was older.

My mum says: Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter don't mind.

PS Your landlord won't mind if you scrape back and paint the doors. Check first, but they likely won't care.

I do not make judgments based on something so obvious as a house or a car other than to assume there is wealth.
How do you even know if they own the house or the car? They might be as poor as a church mouse and the bank owns everything!
If you are happy and loved then it will show and that is all that matters. Try to stop worrying as it will get you nowhere really if you think about it

Possibly just echoing what most have already said, but there's such a difference between what you're describing (as a normal home btw) and somewhere that is actually dirty.

I have been to one house for my dc play date that I did initially judge, but this house had actual poo on the floor and plates with days old food on it. There was barely any space on the floor. It was just covered in junk. I almost reported actually, but I know the mum really loved her dc. She was really struggling clearly, but it was honestly shocking.

I think if you're the kind of person who properly judges someone whose house needs a lick of paint or whose carpet is worn and a bit tatty, really need to take a step back and look at themselves.

I live in quite a posh house, OP. I don't care about the state of the homes of DD's friends as long as they are safe and comfortable. Tbh I worry that people will think I am going to judge them. Maybe we should all stop worrying so much!

It's funny I'm the reverse of you. Most of my kids friends live in small apartments/flats and we are lucky enough to have a house in the country with a bit of land. I once said to a mum she should bring her boy out to play as he loves cars etc and we have those 4WD ones the kids can drive themselves around the field. She kind of went all open mouthed and said "at your house? And looked really uncomfortable. So ever since I've worried that if I invite their kids to my house they might not invite back if they feel like we will judge or like my kids have too much or something. So I do playdates at the park or take the kids out somewhere.

No I wouldnt judge at all as long as its clean/neat.

DD has never been invited to her best friend’s house for a play date and I suspect it’s because of the same reasons as you. We live in one of the naice houses in our area, and I think friend’s mum might worry about the comparison.

However I wouldn’t judge at ALL and DD is really sad she never gets to go to her friend’s house.

we have hands down the smallest/crappest house in both my DC's friendship groups. I think it would have been classed as a do-er upper when we bought it, but we never did the doing-up, so everything's a bit tired and scruffy. I'm not going to pretend that people won't notice (one charming kid said "Isn't your house TINY?" immediately on crossing the threshold), but I pride myself on doing a great party/playdate, and so the kids all like to come back. I don't give a stuff about the parents.

The only time I was embarrassed was quite recently. I arrived back from work to find that the 14yo had invited over a kid who'd never been round before. Stuck my head round the sitting room door, and DC1 casually informed me that one of the cats was playing with a rat in the kitchen. Nearly killed myself trying to assure this kid I'd never met before that the rats are not resident, but that the stupid cat very occasionally brings one back from the park at the end of the street. I was rather concerned that she might not be allowed back to House of Live Vermin, but she was round again last week so all is well.

No of course not! And I wouldn't even notice your doors. These days your house isn't even a reflection if how much you earn, as it all depends at what point you for on the property ladder.

When my eldest was younger. I lived in a very undesired tower block.
My flat I had done up lovely. But asking for people to play having to go in the lifts that often would have human poo and wee in.
Luckily no one judged. Once they saw my flat inside.

I now have a rental from out the front it doesn't look nice. But inside it is and the landlord has said we can do as we please. He'd recently let us choose a conservatory and kitchen and he paid. So we haven't minded doing the odd bit of paint and wallpaper. Even 2 bedroom carpets.
When we 1st r moved in, it was the pits.

If they judge they're not nice people.

I used to really worry about this when we lived in a two-bed flat. But this was in London so actually lots of people like that.