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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get anxious about dc's play dates for fear of being judged by where we live

66 replies

pickpackpeck · 08/02/2022 23:19

For reference we rent a flat in a gentrified middle class area. I do buy nice things but it's hard to do much in a rental in terms of painting/wallpaper etc. My internal doors are awful as is my front door. I really want to stop feeling this way but I just get this overwhelming fear of being judged when a play date is looming. I grew up living in a nice house but this is all my husband and I can afford. AIBU? Would you judge someone on where they live? I mum told me the other day she loves judging people by their house. I've avoided her ever since Blush

OP posts:
GalesThisMorning · 09/02/2022 07:45

Any normal parent will be pleased and grateful you've invited their child round, and that's the only thought they'll give it! Kids love being invited to play at other people's houses, and the parent gets a few hours free. Anyone whose thoughts extend beyond 'yes please! How lovely. My turn next' is not a person you need to worry about it.

My house is clean and cosy but small and tired. We can't afford to keep up with everything that needs replacing. I've always hosted lots of playdates, and no one has ever said anything other than thank you!

Policyschmolicy · 09/02/2022 07:46

Another with one of the bigger houses in the community - I also get worried that people will unfairly judge, or make assumptions. One of the reasons we have a big house is that we don’t have a lavish lifestyle. I also work full time, so worry that other parents will judge that choice. We could live in a lovely house mortgage free and I wouldn’t have to work. But somehow that’s not enough for me.

As I child I lived in a small house in a dodgy part of town. It didn’t really matter to me - some of my friends had truly amazing houses and I used to love going to visit, but they also came to me and didn’t seem to mind. Our house was homely, parents were more available (mum had a disability so they were both home), and there was always food.

Nowadays it’s sort of reversed and through some good fortune and good choices we live in the big house whilst my childhood friends live in more modest surroundings. I don’t judge at all. And the big house is a millstone.

I wouldn’t overthink it.

JSG55 · 09/02/2022 08:06

I actually feel the same, I very rarely invite anyone in to my home because we are still in the middle of doing work (been here 6 years but absolutely everything needed ripped out and replaced). As much as we adore DC, it was a surprise pregnancy and knocked our plans for the house. I get embarrassed at the thought of even my close family and friends seeing my house so I would be reluctant to invite friends of DC for a play date.

Hellolittlestar · 09/02/2022 08:13

No, I don’t judge on the house itself. If it’s very dirty or cluttered, then I’m less likely to come again. If we are talking about dated decor, then it wouldn’t bother me one bit.
When I was a kid, my friends ranged from borderline poor to their own villas with indoor swimming pool. It was the person that mattered.

MrsMop1964 · 09/02/2022 08:16

I don't know about the parents but kids notice differences. I remember being mortified when one little visitor asked my dd why our TV was so small.

BabyInTheJungle · 09/02/2022 08:18

I mum told me the other day she loves judging people by their house. I've avoided her ever since

Shock I didn't realise people did this never mind told others they did it! What a fucking twat. Definitely avoid. Or tell her you love judging people by how much of an arsehole they are hard stare

BabyInTheJungle · 09/02/2022 08:19

I have a big house in a posh part of town but it's a fucking tip most of the time thanks to 3 kids and my inept housekeeping, plus the cats make it stink... Wondering what the judgements would be!

5128gap · 09/02/2022 08:24

Well I wouldn't no. But then I wouldn't feel it necessary to point out I lived in a gentrified MC area, so live by the sword die by the sword I guess.
Truth is, if you want to move in circles where this sort of thing matters, and especially if you can only afford the fringes, then expect a lifetime of these insecurities, because there will always be someone whose life makes you feel inadequate. Far more happiness lies in training yourself to accept that material displays are not valid criteria on which to judge and that the people worthy of your time wouldn't feel this way. But I'm old now and long past play dates, so its easier for me to say. I do remember the pressure to feel you're keeping up, as sadly it's tied into our notions of doing the best for our children.

billy1966 · 09/02/2022 08:37

I certainly wouldn't judge a clean, cosy home.

A large filthy hovel in a great area, I wouldn't be impressed by.

Clean and comfortable is all to aim for.

We have a lovely comfortable home.

My children go to private schools and some of their homes are many, millions of pounds.

They choose their friends themselves and once they are nice it really is nothing to do with me.

They have always enjoyed coming here to hang out and I certainly don't feel I have anything to prove to anyone.

Paint the doors though if you think it would make such a difference.
Flowers

FloBot7 · 09/02/2022 08:40

@MrsMop1964

I don't know about the parents but kids notice differences. I remember being mortified when one little visitor asked my dd why our TV was so small.
I think it depends on the kid, I was oblivious! I moved here from Ireland when I was 7 and we lived in a 2-up 2-down terrace in a rough part of town. My first play date was with a new school friend who lived in a massive house in a village. I loved her house because they had "beauty and the beast stairs" (the grand staircase that splits in two). I quickly invited her for a sleepover at my house and it never occurred to me that there was anything embarrassing about our house.
Cheekypeach · 09/02/2022 08:41

Would only judge if it was filthy dirty & you were walking around nude with a cigarette between your lips. People catch on to your confidence in situations like this, so relax.

Rosebel · 09/02/2022 08:41

Our rented house isn't dirty but is full of damp and mould. We clean it and treat it every winter but makes no difference. Landlord doesn't care.
For that reason I never judge others and as my children have got older I just encourage them to go out with friends.
I'm sure parents would judge me if I allowed them in the house and for that reason I don't.

AliceW89 · 09/02/2022 08:44

Nope! I’d just be grateful - I’ve a young toddler and play dates, especially among new parents, seem to have died a death in covid. As long as the people were sound and the house was clean i wouldn’t care at all!

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2022 08:45

When DD started in Reception she met a lovely girl and I hit it off with her mum but while she was happy to come here or meet out she avoided me going to her house. Eventually I didn’t give her a choice and just breezily said I was picking DD up next time. She explained that they lived in a flat above their business and was embarrassed for me to see it.
It was a lovely, clean and very spacious flat so I have no idea what the issue was and to be honest I was more worried that I had come across as someone who would care about that sort of thing.
I have actually been at both ends of this so to speak - the DC were at State Primary and our house was bigger and nicer than most of their friends, then they moved to Private Secondary and it was the other way around. DD recently moved to State 6th form and she joked the other day that she was “rich again” . However, we have always had a house full of kids and nobody seems to care

Schmoozer · 09/02/2022 08:47

I feel like you too -
I struggle with feeling inferior due to my small modest home 🥲
I have felt judged - by now ex friends !!
Real friends don’t judge !!

Ps I only judge people for being horrible people !
I wouldn’t judge someone for their home, but I do judge filth !!

Echobelly · 09/02/2022 08:53

I don't judge - we're about 'in the middle' of the demographic of a wealthier-than-average primary. One of DS's friends, until recently, lived in a smallish flat with family but I knew both his parents had jobs in the performing arts and wouldn't be likely to have afforded more; another friend lives much further away in a huge detached house in a very expensive area, but I'd have no issues with having him over to our terrace.

I agree with @TheYearOfSmallThings - kids remember attitudes rather than houses!

peboh · 09/02/2022 09:04

We currently live in a rented 2 bed flat. We can afford to live elsewhere, but I don't see the point in moving right now. It's ideal for dd's nursery, in a good location where we're within walking distance from our town centre.
If someone wants to judge us based on the fact that we live in a smaller property, then that's on them. As long as your home is clean and safe for children to play, then it really shouldn't matter where you live.

JaceLancs · 09/02/2022 09:05

I hope those who judge someone with a dirty house still let their children be friends
Imagine being the child living in the dirty home and being either rejected or embarrassed
I was brought up in a very poor but clean home and vividly remember being invited to a friends for ‘tea’ after school - I was given sausages and chips then ice cream which made me very happy as was a real treat
I spent weeks agonising over returning the invite as our ‘tea’ was bread and jam or bread and marg - couldn’t have both as that was too extravagant - I even contemplated shoplifting some ham - so I could offer her a ham sandwich!
In the end I think I made excuses about family being ill and we went to the park instead

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 09/02/2022 09:16

We live in the 'poor home'. A flat on the main road above the shops.

If people judge (MIL I'm looking at you) thats on them.

Reality is we made a promise to each other to live within our means, and that is one thing we really value within our marriage. Part of that is the home is comfortably within our means.

Christmas1988 · 09/02/2022 09:17

If you want your child to have friends over but you don’t want the parents to see your house, offer to pick them up from school and agree you will drop the child back at their home after their play has finished. Children don’t care what other homes look like they won’t judge you at all, they will judge your toys and food options though 😂

ChocolateMassacre · 09/02/2022 10:34

@listsandbudgets

Not at all.

We live in a fairly big house now but when DD was born we were in a 2 bed flat. One of her friends came round when she was in reception with her mum who was absolutely charming and sweet and commented what a lovely cosy home we had

DD got invited back. Their entrance hall alone was so big we could have fitted the entire flat in it with space to spare. The whole house was immaculate.. I nearly fainted. Her parents were never anything but lovely when they visited us and I never felt judged.

I would judge a filthy home but never a small or slightly unkempt one

Can I ask... would you have assumed that the mum would judge if you hadn't invited her to yours first before visiting her house?

Just asking because we live in a bigger than average property for our area and I would hope that people wouldn't not invite my DS for playdates just because we hosted the first playdate and they feel awkward. That would make me a bit sad. He's only little so far, but he has loved every playdate he has been on, whatever the size of the house/flat.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/02/2022 10:35

I always washed all the clothes she brought with her and just let her wear DD2s in our house.

Eh?! You made her strip and put on clean clothes before you let her in your house?

yourestandingonmyneck · 09/02/2022 13:59

Nope. Houses where me and my child are made to feel welcome are the best play dates, by a mile.

Not interested in any of the rest of it.

Some of the best play dates we've had have been in flats, very un "instagrammy" but with a lot of fun going on.

I can see why this could bother you, but try not to let it XxX

Rumplestrumpet · 09/02/2022 14:03

Size or decor of your house? No. Unwelcoming and unwilling to offer a cup of tea? Yes.

Honestly I worry that people will judge me because our house is messy with toys, crafts, etc we never manage to keep on top of. And when I go to someone's house that is Instagram-perfect I'm nervous to invite them back to mine. But the truth is it's really all about the kids having fun and me having a nice chat with the mum - I honestly don't care about the rest.

LittleGwyneth · 09/02/2022 14:33

The most important thing is that you don't let it prevent your children from having playdates. I know they're regarded as unimportant on Mumsnet but I think they're really great for children and it's a shame to miss out. As a nanny I picked up and dropped off from so many different houses and I always found it interesting what a wide scope of accommodation there is. It's more than likely your kids will have something (ipad, fruit juice, a sibling etc) that another child will find more amazing than their own very big house.