To comment on what my friend feeds her toddler

[CalIie]

Okay so, I know the golden rule of parenting is not to comment on other peoples parenting choices however, please hear me out.

I am the godmother of my childhood best friend’s 20 month old daughter.

For about 5 months my friend has been telling me that her daughter has severe constipation and she’s been on and off very strong laxatives for about the same length of time. She tells me her daughter is in tears nearly every day because she is so constipated. It got so bad, that a couple of weeks ago she was in A&E being treated for an impacted colon. I’ve asked her about her daughters diet and she insists it’s well balanced and healthy and must be down to something else.

The thing is, I have seen no evidence of this. We are very close, so I stay at her house during the week some days as it’s close to my work in London and she visits me in the country on the weekends.

Simply put: her daughter seems to have an appalling diet. For example, she has had Chinese takeaway and dominoes pizza for the last two days. Dinner tonight was a takeaway Chinese soup and fried pork belly with steamed white rice. I tasted a bit of it and it was extremely salty and there were no vegetables. In fact, I have never seen my friend give her daughter anything fresh or homemade (I know she can cook).

I had some strawberries and apple in my bag from lunch. After some encouragement her daughter munched them all down very happily, much to my friends shock who said she never eats fruit normally.

I appreciate I am only seeing a snapshot of her diet, but her long term constipation surely is linked to what she eats?

Just before Christmas I hinted at it, by saying it might be helpful to record a food diary to show to the GP which she hasn’t done. She sought advice from my SIL who is a paediatric nurse on what sort of diet to give her and some easy recipes.

Would I be unreasonable to be more direct and suggest the diet she is giving her daughter might need to change? Maybe I should leave it for her to ask me for my advice again? Or, perhaps more worryingly, does she know and not care?

I really, really don’t want to be seen as criticising someone’s parenting but I just worry about her daughters health and comfort.

Any thoughts on how to to approach (if at all) are appreciated.

Thanks.

I would maybe start with "DD really liked those strawberries and apple in the end has she tried them again?" Followed up with "maybe if she likes strawberries and apple she might like to try raspberries and pear".

I'd butt out if I were you. If she's seeking medical assistance I'm sure she's been advised on the steps she needs to take to help her dds constipation.

You could say that your friend xyz said if her little girl didn't have fruit every day she got constipated and grapes are good (high water content) and here's a recipe for prune yoghurt... hopefully constructive advice?

Jelly also good. Admittedly fairly low in vitamins but very high in water!

Well if you are sure that her daughter never eats fruit, veg or fibre then yes I'd have to say something in quite a pointed way to be honest. I'm not a cow and I don't like to make people feel bad to make myself feel superior etc (hey - I'm very far from the perfect parent) I just think that being constipated is so unpleasant for the poor thing and might be completely avoidable.
It would make me very cross to watch someone causing a child pain by wilfully ignoring medical advice, it's basic parenting.

Bloody hell, no wonder the poor kid is constipated. Salt at that levels in a 20 month old is shocking, to be honest, and I'd say it's bordering on a form of neglect.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was knowingly making their child ill. Does she enjoy the medical attention her DD is getting..... and sorry, I know that's an awful thing to ask.

Tread carefully when giving out advice to parents!

My recommendation would be:

Take round an easy recipes cookbook, anything that makes quick meals.

When you are visiting/staying over you could contribute by cooking a "healthy meal" that they might not have tried before. I'd just explain it as you found the recipe, it was amazing and you want to treat them.

Frequently check in on how the food diary is going (this might prompt her to start writing one if she hasn't yet).

I'd try to steer clear of telling her the diet is poor unless you genuinely have safeguarding concerns for the child at this point.

What's your friend's diet like herself? Does she live off junk food?

Initially my thoughts were to steer clear, but you sound like you'd be able to introduce the subject in a thoughtful, kind way. And your friend seems open to advice from your SIL, so may be alright with you bringing it up? As she's had recipes from her, I'd ask how they went down with her daughter. Which ones had she tried? That sort of thing.

If she knows how to cook and presuming she's not a complete fool, she must now the very common connection between diet and constipation. An impacted colon in a 20 month old is startling.

There's nothing wrong with Chinese food (Chinese people have been eating it for 5000 years) so she must be making really terrible choices even when it comes to take away - therefore I do wonder if there is something deliberate in it and she likes the attention. To be honest it's a little disturbing.
The child must be desperate for fresh fruit and vegetables.
I second the PP who suggested cooking a meal for them -full of fibre, lentils for instance and veg. And I would be tempted to be brutal if your friendship can withstand it. Take fruit there so the child is getting some.
She is bloody neglectful and it shouldn't carry on.

You could try suggesting things that "helped someone you know". Fruits that are naturally attractive to small kids like mangos, pears, raspberries.

It's a difficult one as most people are naturally quite sensitive about their parenting choices and will get very defensive if they feel they are being criticised. OTOH, the diet you describe sounds pretty bad and it's hard to believe that it doesn't play a part in her dd's issues.

The diet will definitely be playing a part, I think you could try saying something but I would definitely go with the 'my friend's child could be persuaded to eat x y z and when they did it did seem to help' rather than the direct lecture.

YANBU to be concerned. But if you want to keep your friendship I wouldn't say anymore.

The thing is, if the constipation is that bad, diet alone won’t help. Kid needs major meds at this point. And doctors will be talking to her about diet.

Point her in the direction of Movicol Mummies, a Facebook group for parents of constipated kids. It’s extremely helpful

@RedHelenB

I'd butt out if I were you. If she's seeking medical assistance I'm sure she's been advised on the steps she needs to take to help her dds constipation.

The thing is though, seeking medical assistance and then lying is not going to help the child is it?

If she’s feeding her 20month old dominos pizzas and Chinese takeaways I would say that’s pretty serious. The levels of salt would horrendous. And if that’s all her diet consists of then that’s quite seriously neglectful? In all seriousness, is your friend intelligent? I would like that with someone have a low IQ…20 months is so young to be eating that? Surely the drs would’ve asked about her diet??

Can you buy some fruit for the house, as you're staying there during the week? I agree that Chinese takeaway and pizza is awful for a toddler. As you say, it is very salty, probably dangerously, so for a toddler.

I think the recipe/scratch cooking advice cane be really overwhelming and seem far too hard. I would suggest things like jacket potato with cheese and low salt beans and having Cucumber and carrot fingers out at every meal time. As well as fruit.

If your friend is looking to get her DD to try new things, something that used to work with my DC is to get 'myself' a snack of veg sticks or a new fruit and sit on the sofa next to them. I think outside of meal times is always a good time to introduce new things, as it is far less pressured.

Can you approach it as I would really like to help you, as I know you are worried about this?

I'm going to be brutally honest and say that this thread epitomises exactly why people should not' keep their noses out or keep their mouths shut.
Too many times I've seen , on MN, phrases like...

Not your circus

It's nothing to do with you

You do you

Etc...

This is exactly why we keep seeing child neglect , domestic violence, elderly neglect, severe hoarding and so on.

OP
Your friend is being negligent with her child and it is physically and detrimentally affecting her child.
If it were me , I'd definitely say something with the absolute knowledge that my friendship would be at an end . I would sleep better knowing that I'd , at least, sown seed about her child 's welfare.

@BoodleBug51

Bloody hell, no wonder the poor kid is constipated. Salt at that levels in a 20 month old is shocking, to be honest, and I'd say it's bordering on a form of neglect.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was knowingly making their child ill. Does she enjoy the medical attention her DD is getting..... and sorry, I know that's an awful thing to ask.

Are you seriously implying munchausen by proxy? You’ve been given a couple of sentences of information.

There's nothing wrong with Chinese food (Chinese people have been eating it for 5000 years
Thats like saying its fine to eat fish and chips every day because its "English food" and English people eat it every day.
Chinese people don't eat deep fried chicken balls and sugary sweet and sour sauce every day (or at all!). Its a Chinese takeaway thats the problem - full of salt, sugar, MSG and deep fried stuff.

I agree that it sounds neglectful, especially if it is making the child unwell. If that genuinely is what the child eats every day or even regularly, then she must have lied to the GP as they must have asked about her diet after the impacted colon and wouldn't have just nodded and said "OK" if she said they have dominoes all the time.

Awwww I feel so sorry for the little girl, no wonder she is constipated 😔
I have an 18mo and cook all food from scratch with the odd few kiddie crisps. I've tried to get him to eat fish fingers as a quick easy meal once in a while but he won't eat them😅

There are lots of insta accounts that are great to follow for toddler food, SR nutrition, what mummy makes, baby led eating. Plenty of baby/toddler cook books but most of the time I cook him a simplified no salt version of big batch meals we all eat that I can freeze. Bolognaise, chicken and mushroom pie, shephers pie, risotto etc. He always has a few boiled veg on the side, doesn't take much to boil some broccoli and carrots.

You could try the gentle approach and bring around a portion of bolognaise or something you cooked way too much of, or have them all round for the weekend and give them the left overs to take home. Maybe offer to look after her for the day/weekend to give the mum a break.

It is borderline neglect though so you could ask how the constipation is going, try and tease out what she's been eating and say hmmmm those meals really sound like they are causing the problem, could you try giving her xyz type of meals this week and see if it makes a difference. Do some googling of toddler suitable meals with her. She might need a bit of a wake up call.

Good luck xx

Seriously the salt levels could be dangerously high in those takeaways - they’re not exactly good for adults.

She sounds beyond useless but as a first step could you say you’d been to the shop and seen a few things the child would like. The children’s ready meals would be much better than those takeaways but I think she’s more likely to use them than start cooking. I think it would have to be small steps to have any chance of working.

Also I know those ready meals are crap but got to be better than a takeaway in terms of salt, saturated fats, sugar and portion size anyway.

Encourage her to look at the ERIC website.

A child that age won’t be on laxatives but on stool softners which keep water in the intestines so the poo doesn’t get too dry/hard.

You can comment and be direct, but be prepared to lose the friendship . Most people don't want to hear that they might possibly be doing something wrong. A lot of people just like moaning about the same issue over and over again without actually wanting to do anything about it. Odds are she'll be angry at you and get defensive.

Tbh I'd be fine with that if I knew she'd also change her ways, however there's a real risk of her dumping you and continuing as she is.

The fact that doctors are involved is irrelevant. The child is still very little so can't say much and it won't be hard for her to say she's fussy, or lie about what she eats etc.

I think I’d develop another friend who’d had the exact same problems and pass over the solutions

Maybe try and find a really simple website link on healthy eating for toddlers

And then drop off a few products

And then maybe a simple cookery book

Tread carefully so she doesn’t suddenly get defensive. She does sound gormless.