To comment on what my friend feeds her toddler

[CalIie]

Okay so, I know the golden rule of parenting is not to comment on other peoples parenting choices however, please hear me out.

I am the godmother of my childhood best friend’s 20 month old daughter.

For about 5 months my friend has been telling me that her daughter has severe constipation and she’s been on and off very strong laxatives for about the same length of time. She tells me her daughter is in tears nearly every day because she is so constipated. It got so bad, that a couple of weeks ago she was in A&E being treated for an impacted colon. I’ve asked her about her daughters diet and she insists it’s well balanced and healthy and must be down to something else.

The thing is, I have seen no evidence of this. We are very close, so I stay at her house during the week some days as it’s close to my work in London and she visits me in the country on the weekends.

Simply put: her daughter seems to have an appalling diet. For example, she has had Chinese takeaway and dominoes pizza for the last two days. Dinner tonight was a takeaway Chinese soup and fried pork belly with steamed white rice. I tasted a bit of it and it was extremely salty and there were no vegetables. In fact, I have never seen my friend give her daughter anything fresh or homemade (I know she can cook).

I had some strawberries and apple in my bag from lunch. After some encouragement her daughter munched them all down very happily, much to my friends shock who said she never eats fruit normally.

I appreciate I am only seeing a snapshot of her diet, but her long term constipation surely is linked to what she eats?

Just before Christmas I hinted at it, by saying it might be helpful to record a food diary to show to the GP which she hasn’t done. She sought advice from my SIL who is a paediatric nurse on what sort of diet to give her and some easy recipes.

Would I be unreasonable to be more direct and suggest the diet she is giving her daughter might need to change? Maybe I should leave it for her to ask me for my advice again? Or, perhaps more worryingly, does she know and not care?

I really, really don’t want to be seen as criticising someone’s parenting but I just worry about her daughters health and comfort.

Any thoughts on how to to approach (if at all) are appreciated.

Thanks.

@BigValue most parents after seeing their child in A & E with an impacted colon would step up and make a change........ surely?
Instead, Mum is still feeding high salt and virtually zero nutrition food knowing full well what the consequences will be. And the pain that her DD will end up in.

So yes I would question her motives tbh.

There's nothing wrong with Chinese food (Chinese people have been eating it for 5000 years)

They don't eat what we get in Chinese takeaways here that's very much been adapted for Western tastes. I lived in China for a year and the food was absolutely delicious but nought like I'd had before.

OP I posted in a thread about my parents giving me an appalling diet, I would say ah wasn't it fab how much she seemed to enjoy the fruit the other night- she'd probably love x fruit too!

If she's under medical advice you'll just be that person talking out of their arse.

You're also a friend. You're going to see her on unusual day out days, rather than general days. It's certainly some unusual choices to feed a toddler.
Generally for constipation it's things high in soluble fibre not just fibre. Also, fluids. Lots of children don't really drink much in the way of water but all of that isn't helpful with chronic constipation. Her whole system needs clearing out before diet changes will work.

My ds really struggles with constipation so we havve to keep on top of it with a good amount of fibre and fruit etc. He has prunes and flaxseeds every morning with his porridge and drinks plenty of water...... Once a week he has a tin of prunes in juice as a bum grenade as we call it and it gives him a good clear out........he doesnt really eat junk as he prefers proper food, even a takeaway for him would be a pasta dish from a restaurant that delivers (( unlike me sadly)) To neglect a child the way this woman is is disgusting.

Honestly, if I was her, I would just appreciate you telling me what you think, in a nice way. I would hate all this trying to be subtle about what you think.

This shit winds me up no end and makes me paranoid that people are always talking to me in fucking riddles.

If she brings it up again, I would just ask her straight up : ' is she getting enough fibre in her diet ? Is she eating enough of XYX ? ' ' try giving her more of XYZ ' that's really helped me when I was constipated.

I don't see the big deal. You're trying to help.

@Luredbyapomegranate

I think I’d develop another friend who’d had the exact same problems and pass over the solutions

Maybe try and find a really simple website link on healthy eating for toddlers

And then drop off a few products

And then maybe a simple cookery book

Tread carefully so she doesn’t suddenly get defensive. She does sound gormless.

Why not just say that constipation may be caused by a low fibre diet and she needs to up her daughters fibre game ?

I’d be direct.

You could try. My dad was moaning about it and I was a bit more brutal with him as he's family!
He said he had white toast for breakfast, no lunch snd then meat and potatoes for tea. And wondered why he was constipated
I asked him where his fibre, fruit and veg was and no fucking wonder he wasn't going. Him "well I did eat an apple"
No mate, that's not going to work!!

Pears, the tinned ones in juice I always find good and drink the juice too. I mean they can do the meds as it's at that point but longer term she needs to be eating right as well

While that diet really doesn't sound good, it is possible that she does feed her other healthier options as well. Severe constipation isn't always as simple as a change in diet - I suffered terribly as a child and ended up on very strong laxatives depite having a balanced diet and still suffer now as an adult (although not to the extent I did as a child), my eldest daughter unfortunatley had similar issues too and also ended up needed to be seen in hospital. Does the child drink enough water? (this is the problem with me and my eldest, we don't feel thirsty and both of us feel sick if we drink alot of water and so it's a struggle to stay hydrated) or is she withholding perhaps - another common cause. I think if she has doctors involved already them she will be being advised on diet.

You’re very caring but this is not a battle you can win

If you stay there several days per week then could you offer to cook, or when she stays with you?

Take a selection of fruit round with you each time you visit, and have plenty in at home when they come to yours.
As others have said, maybe offer to cook sometimes when at theirs. Make it something nutritious but quick to show her how simple it can be.

Yes, you should say something. I have a child that age, and would never feed them Chinese take-way and pizza. The fact that she is doing this while the toddler as gastrointestinal issues is shocking and negligent. Feeding simple, healthy and high fiber foods and making sure they are drinking enough water each day isn't hard.

You should say something, in a kind way. I like the idea above of pretending you know someone else who had a child with the same issues and explaining what dietary changes they made. I would also consider getting a cookbook for toddlers to give as a gift. Can you keep bringing healthy food for the toddler to try when you're visiting?

Also, how do the parents tend to eat? Is it possible they are just saying that the toddler won't eat fruits and vegetables because they they themselves don't want to eat them?

Mention it but be prepared to piss her off. If you’re asking the internet about this before doing it you’re probably not used to being direct with people.

Also accept that you’re not their dr/nurse and you don’t know the full story about the daughters health. FWIW I agree with the common opinion that you should say something.

sorry but thats neglect-shes already had to take her to a and e but is insisting its not the food in her diet

how long is this going to go on for-did she tell he doctors what she reall feeds her child

If your friend is happy to take advice from your SIL the paediatric nurse, why don't you give her the heads up as to what is being fed to the toddler. SIL could have a chat to see how she is getting on and could spell it out to friend that takeaways should not be fed to toddlers, without letting on you have said anything. As pp said, even toddler ready meals would be better as at least they usually have veg and are low salt...If you "happened" to be there when they had a chat your friend wouldn't be able to get away with denying/lieing about what she's been feeding her poor kid. It might make her feel more accountable and if you are there regularly you could offer to help with cooking.

Does she have hypermobility or IBS in her family (which is a sign of hypermobility). Its little known that children with hypermobility can have poor muscles in their digestive track and end up constipated not matter what they eat. My daughter had this and was on daily movicol until about 8. The issue with constipation in children is that (and I learnt this the hard way myself) its important to regularly use softeners like movicol. This is because when people stop and start they turn the child's bowel into a poo waiting room. It gets stretch and doesn't work well. But regular softners lets it shrink back into a hallway or passage way and the constipation is resolved.
Also diary and/or gluten issue can cause constipation too. We have this in our family as well.

Tricky one!

From what you've written I think you'd do it in a tactful way but it might be best for SIL to talk about diet more as your friend seems to value her medical opinion.

I hate seeing kids with a bad diet. My MIL almost seems to take the piss out of me for giving my toddler fresh home cooked food and not letting him have chocolate all the time.

I think for most people, a trip to A&E with an impacted colon would be enough for any parent to seriously improve their child’s diet. Why on earth she hasn’t done this is a mystery that won’t be helped by a few comments from you.

I have no idea why you think there is something you can say that would be more impactful than the advice she is receiving from the GP and from A&E.

I am the godmother of my childhood best friend’s 20 month old daughter.

Well, there you go, I think that gives you extra sanction to speak up in matters affecting this poor little girl's health and wellbeing. Her mother is setting her up for intestinal problems for life by bombarding her with strong laxatives this young, rather than giving her a decent diet. There may be a congenital slow motility or bowel problem that needs looking into at some point, but the first port of call is to give the child proper food, fruit and vegetable, fluids and fibre (water and whole grains, not processed food). Good on you for speaking up already.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I think I will start cooking simple meals her DD can enjoy with us, or variations on what we are eating. Maybe I can get my friend involved a bit, so she can enjoy both the process and the end result. I’ll also bring round more fruit to show her DD likes eating it.

To answer a few questions and comments.

1. She does not have a mother or any extended family to advise her. She is on her own which is very hard.

1. She doesn’t seem to have the best diet herself. When she stays at my house we tend to cook something together. She doesn’t eat particularly well as hers, she tends to cook a lot of processed food, that I myself would never eat. But she can cook. She cooks Sunday roast dinners, curries, salads and tasty pasta dishes from scratch on occasion.

1. I don’t think she has munchausen syndrome by proxy as she doesn’t make a huge deal about it, she just brings it up in conversation. She is a bit of a hypochondriac herself, as for as long as I’ve known her she always seems to have something new that seriously wrong with her despite seeming perfectly healthy to me.

1. She has seen a GP. I am concerned the GP is not getting the full picture. My friend was telling me for months she gives her DD a great diet. I only became alarmed when we started staying a few nights with each other every week. This was after I returned to the office and she started visiting me more in the New Year.

1. She is not stupid but at school she was only slightly better than average. I do hate to say it, but she does have a tendency to put her needs first and I’m worried this is what is happening here. Part of me thinks my friend just sees the stool softeners/laxatives as the easiest solution which sounds horrible out loud.

1. All this being said, she has never been anything but kind and thoughtful to me when I have struggled with something in my life, whether small like friendship issues or a major family bereavement. We’ve been through so much together since we were young, I’d would not want to jeopardise the friendship.

I’m going to do my best to tactfully point her in the right direction where I can, eg I think I will suggest we cook her DD’s dinner in my steamer to show her how quick and easy it is to cook healthy baby food but in a way that is not patronising. Hopefully that will be a start!

Thanks again everyone.

If she comes to yours every weekend then start there. Only have "healthy " toddler appropriate food in the house. If she sees her DD eating it, you can send some home with her. That's what I would do.

OP you are a great friend.

I'd also maybe consider just casually saying something like 'actually since she liked the fruit I gave her, maybe she could have a fruit salad in the evening after dinner - could help with the constipation'. That's an easy thing for her to introduce and she could even get ready made.

Or the classic 'a friend at work told me her little one used to have dreadful constipation and she saw this amazing nutritionist who advised cutting out all takeaways and it's made a huge difference'. Ie giving her the obvious advice but making it sound as though it's a piece of wisdom you gleaned off someone else.