To comment on what my friend feeds her toddler

[CalIie]

Okay so, I know the golden rule of parenting is not to comment on other peoples parenting choices however, please hear me out.

I am the godmother of my childhood best friend’s 20 month old daughter.

For about 5 months my friend has been telling me that her daughter has severe constipation and she’s been on and off very strong laxatives for about the same length of time. She tells me her daughter is in tears nearly every day because she is so constipated. It got so bad, that a couple of weeks ago she was in A&E being treated for an impacted colon. I’ve asked her about her daughters diet and she insists it’s well balanced and healthy and must be down to something else.

The thing is, I have seen no evidence of this. We are very close, so I stay at her house during the week some days as it’s close to my work in London and she visits me in the country on the weekends.

Simply put: her daughter seems to have an appalling diet. For example, she has had Chinese takeaway and dominoes pizza for the last two days. Dinner tonight was a takeaway Chinese soup and fried pork belly with steamed white rice. I tasted a bit of it and it was extremely salty and there were no vegetables. In fact, I have never seen my friend give her daughter anything fresh or homemade (I know she can cook).

I had some strawberries and apple in my bag from lunch. After some encouragement her daughter munched them all down very happily, much to my friends shock who said she never eats fruit normally.

I appreciate I am only seeing a snapshot of her diet, but her long term constipation surely is linked to what she eats?

Just before Christmas I hinted at it, by saying it might be helpful to record a food diary to show to the GP which she hasn’t done. She sought advice from my SIL who is a paediatric nurse on what sort of diet to give her and some easy recipes.

Would I be unreasonable to be more direct and suggest the diet she is giving her daughter might need to change? Maybe I should leave it for her to ask me for my advice again? Or, perhaps more worryingly, does she know and not care?

I really, really don’t want to be seen as criticising someone’s parenting but I just worry about her daughters health and comfort.

Any thoughts on how to to approach (if at all) are appreciated.

Thanks.

The diet sounds pretty terrible and you could definitely gently help your friend out to do a bit better with it.

However don't blame the constipation on it, and don't judge the use of laxatives. My 2yo DD eats a really balanced diet (loads of fruit and veg, mix of white and whole grains carbs etc.) and has been on Movicol for three months now to treat constipation and stool withholding. Dietary changes are not the first line of treatment for constipation in children. Fluids and stool softeners are the only way forward for many, not the "easy way out".

I agree the diet is probably having a big impact.

I have always given mine 6 fruits or veg a day (6 in total) and TMI poo has always been quite loose if anything and never struggled to go... until we went for a long weekend away. I took a little fruit but planned to stock up from breakfast at the b&b. Well because of covid there was only boxed cereal or a fry up/ toast. We had meals out where there was peas with chicken and chips for example but a different diet to home. I didn't think it'd hurt as a one off but the daily poo didn't happen until day 3 and there was constipation.

As soon as home, I pushed the fruit/ veg and poo was easy/ normal the next day.

I would say to friend how she's a great mum etc and you know how worried she is about dd and so you've researched foods to help and suggest you all join in making/ eating new food BUT tread carefully as friend could be easily offended. I'd aim for once a week to introduce something new and don't take over. Even if you suggest mum gives dd what you brought/ made sometimes - ask mum and respect her wishes. Which includes not making food if she says no.

Good luck.

I couldn't be friends with someone who was doing this to a child. It's absolutely heartbreaking to think she's suffering so badly she needs to see a GP to move an impaction - deeply painful, likely to be traumatic - and your 'friend' feeds her a fucking takeaway. That's the sort of story you used to read in the paper - 'shit mum puts McDonalds in blender for the baby's bottle', 'shit parents throw cold noodles into kids' packed lunch' - but to actually see someone doing it?

I assume your friend hasn't got a single digit IQ so she's actively choosing to neglect, nutritionally starve and medically harm her poor daughter.

@ButtockUp

I'm going to be brutally honest and say that this thread epitomises exactly why people should not' keep their noses out or keep their mouths shut. Too many times I've seen , on MN, phrases like...

Not your circus

It's nothing to do with you

You do you

Etc...

This is exactly why we keep seeing child neglect , domestic violence, elderly neglect, severe hoarding and so on.

OP
Your friend is being negligent with her child and it is physically and detrimentally affecting her child.
If it were me , I'd definitely say something with the absolute knowledge that my friendship would be at an end . I would sleep better knowing that I'd , at least, sown seed about her child 's welfare.

Agreed Say something... talk to her! I wouldn't feed my 5 year old that.... I'm sure he'd love it But no just no Awful poor child must be in pain with it. I couldn't sit back and watch that .

Also, do you think the mum likes the attention?

I'm usually for butting out of other people's parenting choices - but not where there's actual harm being done, and in this case I would be seriously worried about salt poisoning. A child that age should NOT be eating things like Chinese takeaways regularly (or at all!).

It's downright weird that your friend is doing this when she knows her daughter's digestion is suffering. Really fucking weird.

I'm very big on speaking up for anyone that can't speak up for themselves so I'd have to say something.

Poor kid.

. I don’t think she has munchausen syndrome by proxy as she doesn’t make a huge deal about it, she just brings it up in conversation. She is a bit of a hypochondriac herself, as for as long as I’ve known her she always seems to have something new that seriously wrong with her despite seeming perfectly healthy to me.

I think this is exactly what you describe!!!
Hypochondriac.. not getting much attention as she's perfectly healthy , so now she's doing it by proxy

If she asks give advice if not say nothing

That's the sort of story you used to read in the paper - 'shit mum puts McDonalds in blender for the baby's bottle'

This actually happened when I worked at a solicitors. They didn't put it in a bottle but did blend up happy meals. The parents claimed it was the only thing their little one would eat and honestly didn't understand what was wrong with it. Kept claiming the alternative was to let her starve and that would be neglect

@headintheproverbial

OP you are a great friend.

I'd also maybe consider just casually saying something like 'actually since she liked the fruit I gave her, maybe she could have a fruit salad in the evening after dinner - could help with the constipation'. That's an easy thing for her to introduce and she could even get ready made.

Or the classic 'a friend at work told me her little one used to have dreadful constipation and she saw this amazing nutritionist who advised cutting out all takeaways and it's made a huge difference'. Ie giving her the obvious advice but making it sound as though it's a piece of wisdom you gleaned off someone else.

Don't start any sentence with actually, it starts things off wrong.

Because the salt levels are a serious risk to her health you do need to say something but you can do it kindly. Concentrate on moving forward and helping the constipation, you can see it’s really painful for the child. Have a look at an internet site like movicol mummies too and introduce it to your friend. Browse the site together one evening.

What do you eat when you’re there? Or she’s at yours? Start by saying you’re having a health kick for yourself and pull them along with you. Start bringing fruit or veg and offering them sometimes with dips. When you make a cup of tea, give her supermarket herbal tea. Make your own healthier versions of ready made pizza or fast food takeaways, adding veg and minimal salt.

I wonder what her own childhood was like - eg very controlling parents, no treats - or lazy parent, loads of sweets and rubbish.

I think its a mental health issue - to deliberately feed a baby food bad enough she needs taken to A/E

It's a bit like overweight parents saying DCs are fat as it runs in the family. Peope are very influenced, often unknowingly, by their own upbringing.

She doesn't need to learn how to cook, she just needs to give the baby fruit and eg peanut butter on brown toast, beans on toast. She is deliberately not doing this.

I would advise her on ideas but if it really did not improve tell health visitor your concerns. I would think they would act if it is resulting in A/E visits.

I’d but out. Lots of children who have daily doses of movicol eat healthily with lots of fruit, fibre etc.

I know a child who eats basically nothing healthy but still gos to the toilet fine.

Let her parent as she wishes. It’s not ideal but it’s none of your business I guess.
It’s not hard to be giving your children lots of cucumber, tomatoes, strawberries, grapes and bananas though is it?

I only let mine eat take away pizza and we only buy it a couple of times a year.

By the way for what it’s worth my son had movicol for years.
It really wasn’t his diet as I offer fruit and salad items with every meal and loaded up meals like spag bol with peppers, spinach, mushrooms, carrots etc.
If I used jam for toast I bought the high fruit loaded ones.

It is not always diet related.

@CalIie I’d have to say something in your situation OP. I love a takeaway myself - DH and I ordered an Indian takeaway for ourselves last night as a treat after DS went to bed but there’s no way on this earth id be feeding it to my toddler 😓 He sat down to batch cooked Chilli Con Carne (no salt, beef mince, loads of veggies and beans) some rice and steamed broccoli and green beans. He eats the same as us most nights but for the odd night we want something that’s not good for him, we go to the freezer stash!

In your situation I’d start by being tactful, purely because you’re together quite a bit and you can have an influence over meals. I’d start by cooking meals that you can all eat, including the child. Get some low salt or no salt stock and you’re pretty much good to go with anything else! Stick to quick easy dishes or things that can be batch booked and frozen in portions!

I will also add though, as I’m sure someone else said - even toddlers with a healthy diet can become constipated. My toddler has a very healthy balanced diet and he’s incredibly active and he still struggles from time to time. I’m sure your friend has been given all the information by the GP etc but I reached out to a child nutritionist when I started noticing DSs was struggling occasionally and she said to try Kiwi fruit! It’s a natural laxative and they call it the “wonderfood” of baby constipation apparently 🤷🏻‍♀️ It works for DS 👍🏻 Your friends DD sounds much more severe but introducing these things alongside her medication could be helpful 😊

I would say something but she’s not going to suddenly start batch cooking.
Show her the toddler ready meals. Fresh fruit or tinned fruit is great. Birds Eye make microwave veg packs ideal for this situation so I would take her some. A potato waffle, fish finger and some veg would be a great meal followed by fruit and yogurt.
Cow and gate and Heinz make 1 year plus meals in the baby food section that are packed with veg. Add some cucumber on the side and it’s a very easy meal.

Let her parent as she wishes. It’s not ideal but it’s none of your business I guess.
How far does this advice go? Would you say the same if someone was giving their child alcohol, or leaving them home alone, or hitting them? Child safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and if she really is being fed Chinese and dominoes every day it is a safety issue.

Also to the people saying that kids can get constipation even on a healthy diet, I'm sure that's true but that doesn't make it ok to feed her absolute junk.

YANBU. You have to tell her, screw all the snowflakes who pussyfoot around this issue. Poor child, she needs proper food

@Snarkysparky bit said you’d let this child’s needs get neglected just because you don’t want to look “bad”….

At that level of harm, this actually sounds like child neglect...

And it doesn’t require any special cooking or parenting skills to feed a toddler dried fruits and yoghurt, which might help.

I agree that even children with healthy diets can experience constipation but how does the friend know her child is in that boat unless she actually tries?

The child is in pain and has been in hospital! I'm shocked at pps saying "butt out". My son is 19 months and he's never had dominos or Chinese. we're not perfect, no one is but 4 days In a row of takeaway food? That is dreadful.

I think you should say something ,op. This isn't another mum at a playgroup, this is your goddaughter and someone who is more like family. If you can't hear that from family for the child's wellbeing then from who can you?

I'd start with easy stuff rather than encouraging her to stay cooking meals from scratch of that's not something she does regularly. Next time she mentions the constipation just say "Ooh, she liked that fruit the other day didn't she? If you can get her to eat some of that every day out who help with the constipation". It sounds like she just hasn't made the link in her mind from diet to constipation so it needs to be made clear to her.