Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To expect my husband to take day off to pick up child

97 replies

Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 11:29

Both myself and my DH work. Myself 16 hours and DH full time. I used to just work one day a week at the weekend but have recently in the last couple of months picked up a day during the week. My parents pick up our children from school and I drop them off before work. My daughter had an upset stomach about a month ago and I asked my husband to take the day off. He refused as he has the 'proper job's as he put it so I took the day off even though it didnt look great as I started more hours.

My parents have now tested positive for covid so will not be able to pick the children up so I have asked if he will do half a day and pick them up. He has refused and told me he cant and that if I cant work without it being an issue then I'm going to have to go back to working weekend which I was not happy with. He reluctantly agreed and was in a foul mood but i feel furious that I am being made bad to feel like this? Is it my responsibility if I've chosen to work more?

OP posts:

EricScrantona · 08/02/2022 17:28

Sorry, I agree with him.

He has a full time job and if it isn't a career yet, it needs to be. He needs to put as little risk as possible on the job that pays for your joint lifestyle and your ability to only work 2 days. It may be incorrect, but I assume that you have a "job" that can easily be replaced if you lose it or that the loss in income won't make too much difference. If you can't find a way for you to remain primary child care provider then you need to not work in the week or find a job with more suitable hours. If you worked full time I would say it's a 50/50 split.

Who looks after the children on the day you work at the weekend?

ilovepuppies2019 · 08/02/2022 17:29

@Jvg33 The OP's parents are the alternative childcare. This is a very very rare occasion when her work day coincided with their illness. Who has two forms of backup childcare that can be available during the working week, at a moments notice, without incurring any financial loss to themselves, will happily accept a sick or contagious child and won't require any regular commitment? The children's other grandparents would be one of the only options and the OP said the they are too far away. There is just no way that they could arrange that many backups. In such a rare situation, a parent needed to leave work early and provide care. Parr of being a parent is accepting that you may have have to support your kids at the cost of other priorities and this was one of those moments. The DH has had amazing support from the OP and her family. It was his turn to step up for his family as there really was no other practical alternative form of childcare. Disgraceful behaviour from the DH. He needs to step up!

lisaandalan · 08/02/2022 17:30

Can you not get a childminder and use tax credits to pay for it, I think they pay 80%, also get working tax credits, That way you will only need to rely on your parents if need been and will have two options. X

Stompythedinosaur · 08/02/2022 17:32

Yuck, what a disgusting attitude.

Hard to know what to say, but this doesn't sound like a relationship where he cares about you.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 17:33

@ToykotoLosAngeles

Perhaps the partner covered emergency cover last time.

The OP did it! She said so! He has never, not once, taken a day off for the kids. He is basically saying it is the OP's problem. What about this makes you think he will sit down and come up with a shared system.

The majority of people will be willing to come up with solutions together. If they are shouted at, sworn at, belittled, told they are selfish etc - they probably won't want to work with that person, understanedly. Do you know a way to get op's partner on board to ensure they don't end up in this same argument again? It certainly doesn't help anyone involved.

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2022 17:34

[quote Gastonia123]@RedskyThisNight my nursery age child has sensory/behavioural issues and I wouldnt feel comfortable sending her to friends houses[/quote]
But maybe he does feel happy with that. I think the days you don’t work, it falls to you but the other days it’s 50/50 and he wants to use after school clubs or a friend’s house for his 50%, then I think you will have to accept that.

ilovepuppies2019 · 08/02/2022 17:38

@RedskyThisNight

The number of people saying that she should have back up childcare have seemed to have missed that her parents provide back up childcare.

If her parents were just the backup childcare then OP wouldn't have an issue. It's because they are the normal childcare for this day, that the problem exists in the first place.

Fair point but I think the OP has two parents helping out. She works for 1/ 10 of all drop offs and pickups. The likelihood that both of the OPs parents will be incapacitated and unable to do pickup on 10 per cent of all school days is very small. It's very appropriate for a parent do do this and for the OPs husband to share this (very rare) emergency care with her.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 08/02/2022 17:38

No, I don't, as he is a mysogynist, so I guess it's going to have to be OP googling, checking local Facebook pages and making phonecalls to try and find a childminder that works until 7.30pm. With an 18 month old with SEN on her hip, since her "darling" H is probably not the sort to give up his lunch break and couldn't possibly help, having a proper job and all. But yep, let's add "change DH's attitude" to her list.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 08/02/2022 17:41

The absolute bottom line here, and why I get so angry, is that this is why it is harder to find a job as a woman in your 30s. Employers assume men who are fathers will not ask for the time off. And they don't. So nurseries ring the mum first. So do schools.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 08/02/2022 17:42

If he’s the main earner, and your hours are less important to the family income, I think you should put the family income first and pick up sick kids (assuming he’s in a much more senior role and taking a day off for a sick child would impact his promotion potential or earnings).

If your career is progressing and you could potentially earn enough to support the family that’s different.

Drunkpanda · 08/02/2022 17:44

What kind of job would you lose (especially as a man) career progression opportunities for taking a half day off when your regular childcare had Covid?

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2022 17:47

@ToykotoLosAngeles

In my opinion experience nurseries and schools ring the first number that is provided to them on the list of emergency contacts and go down the list in order.

eurochick · 08/02/2022 17:47

It's funny isn't it that when women are the main earners they can somehow manage to pull their weight in these situations. But it's apparently impossible for men.

morechocolateneededtoday · 08/02/2022 17:50

@RedskyThisNight

The number of people saying that she should have back up childcare have seemed to have missed that her parents provide back up childcare.

If her parents were just the backup childcare then OP wouldn't have an issue. It's because they are the normal childcare for this day, that the problem exists in the first place.

This attitude really makes me despair. She has reliable childcare in the form of her parents which is needed for just 20% of the week. By your rationale, she should have paid help instead in the rare instance where that falls through, her parents can be back up.

However those with no family are OK to just have a childminder (who also wouldn't take a sick child and would close if they themselves have covid) and no alternative

🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Why does MN have a stick up their backside over people using willing family for childcare

ToykotoLosAngeles · 08/02/2022 17:52

@TheSnowyOwl Not in mine.

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2022 17:53

[quote ToykotoLosAngeles]@TheSnowyOwl Not in mine.[/quote]
Then you must raise it. After all, not all children even live with their mothers so if your school calls someone who might not even have parental responsibility over the contact numbers provided, it’s a huge concern.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 08/02/2022 17:54

@Drunkpanda

What kind of job would you lose (especially as a man) career progression opportunities for taking a half day off when your regular childcare had Covid?

Yep. I mean to be honest, in many jobs, the more senior you are the more flexibility you have vs. a rotaed retail job.

But that would interrupt the narrative on here that some of these DHs would never become Super Duper Senior Account Managers as opposed to just Senior Account Managers if anyone found out they have toddlers.

Original poster

Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 18:01

Thank you for all of the comments everyone from both sides. I think I'm going to leave this thread now because its making me feel a little bit bleurgh. I appreciate all of the comments though and am going to really have a think about setting some real boundaries in place about who's responsibility it is for various things.

I understand I work a retail job and he is a managerial role so his job would be more important in the grand scheme of things. It's just a bit belittling to feel like my contribution is not valued and seen as little part time job when I really do work very hard to have been able to get to this point. I am starting university in October so i will only need childcare on those days I work up until then and then in a few years I could be the main earner thanks everyone

OP posts:

SunbathingDragon · 08/02/2022 18:11

My DH is the main earner but sometimes it’s been more practical for him to do the childcare, and pick up the children when they are unwell, rather than me.

Naunet · 08/02/2022 19:05

OP I know you said you were leaving this thread, but one point really bugged me. You say he’s not had a day off in over a year - I’m not sure he’s telling you the truth. Very few companies these days would let an employee get away with not taking any holiday, and any that he’s carried over to this year he’d probably have to use by March.

I used to work in an office with a guy who never wanted to take his holiday, so he had to be forced. He wanted to avoid being at home so would lie to his wife and tell her he was working, but then go out for the day!

If it’s a small family company, it might be true, but if he works for a bigger, professional company, I think there’s a chance he’s lying to you.

QforCucumber · 08/02/2022 19:05

@lisaandalan

@lisaandalan tax credits only pay that if you’re a low income family, they don’t pay it for everyone. Dh and I pay £1k a month childcare fees and do not qualify for tax credits or working tax credits.

SpinsForGin · 08/02/2022 19:10

@eurochick

It's funny isn't it that when women are the main earners they can somehow manage to pull their weight in these situations. But it's apparently impossible for men.

Exactly. It's depressing.

Flip

1 2 3 4