To expect my husband to take day off to pick up child

[Gastonia123]

Both myself and my DH work. Myself 16 hours and DH full time. I used to just work one day a week at the weekend but have recently in the last couple of months picked up a day during the week. My parents pick up our children from school and I drop them off before work. My daughter had an upset stomach about a month ago and I asked my husband to take the day off. He refused as he has the 'proper job's as he put it so I took the day off even though it didnt look great as I started more hours.

My parents have now tested positive for covid so will not be able to pick the children up so I have asked if he will do half a day and pick them up. He has refused and told me he cant and that if I cant work without it being an issue then I'm going to have to go back to working weekend which I was not happy with. He reluctantly agreed and was in a foul mood but i feel furious that I am being made bad to feel like this? Is it my responsibility if I've chosen to work more?

[quote Gastonia123]@defaultparent I think his dream would be that I quit entirely, ask to borrow money when I need to and do all housework/emotional labour(which I do anyway) without moaning (which I dont do ) hes only started making the comments about having a 'proper' job since I've picked up hours but hes done it a couple of times and i cant shake how irritated it makes me[/quote]
I can't really get past this, TBH. I think the not wanting to pick the DC up is the least of your worries. Why would he want you to ask to borrow money?

I dunno. I’m assuming his job and wage is paying the bulk of the bills? Is he building a career? It does matter.

I work 0.8.
If i am at home, I do100% of working hours child care, sick or not.
The rest, we share out, but DH probably does slightly more as a) it's less of his working week to do 2 days each and b) it's easier for him to get leave and c) he can work from home (depends on the issue tho)

This is how I felt originally. But op won't look into solutions such as childminder to alleviate the stress on the both of them.

Well what's your solution if there aren't childminders that are willing to be flexible with the hours needed each week? Few are going to work til 8pm and even fewer are going to allow you to change the hours needed on a weekly basis.

I think OP is mainly venting as it's a one off problem as the children would normally go to their grandparents, but can't can't this week. She would still have the same problem if a childminder was sick as a one off.

Threads like this are infuriating
He should pick them up! You aren't asking for every day. Just the one you're at work. Regardless if he's got the 'proper job' he's a parent too, it should fall on you

But hey ho, men like this won't change. Society won't change. Men have and always will have the easy end of parenting

How exactly would a childminder have helped with the one day off OP has needed for a stomach bug? Show me one childminder that will take an infectious child.

At the moment it appears you just assume either your parents or your partner are going to pick up the slack because you refuse to consider alternatives to alleviate the stress.

Why do they need a childminder or alternate childcare? They have childcare in place - she clearly said her parents help her out and are happy to do so. They couldn't help when a child was unwell or when they themselves have covid - a childminder also can't help in these circumstances and it's upto the parents to resolve.

I can't figure out why there is so much focus on the need for alternative childcare when it is clear she has childcare provisions

@morechocolateneededtoday

At the moment it appears you just assume either your parents or your partner are going to pick up the slack because you refuse to consider alternatives to alleviate the stress.

Why do they need a childminder or alternate childcare? They have childcare in place - she clearly said her parents help her out and are happy to do so. They couldn't help when a child was unwell or when they themselves have covid - a childminder also can't help in these circumstances and it's upto the parents to resolve.

I can't figure out why there is so much focus on the need for alternative childcare when it is clear she has childcare provisions

Quite. This is reminding me of the posters in March 2020, when nurseries closed, who were banging on about how parents should all have robust childcare in place when at that time all of it was illegal.

Well good lord there is some impressive entitlement on this thread. Some posters are really tying themselves in knots trying to protect the big menzzzz jobs aren't they?

You are absolutely right to be annoyed. For reference in my house I am the provider (the mum as well with a male partner) . We are both self employed but in such a way that we don't necessarily control our own hours because what we get contracted for is time dependant. The reality is I get contracted far more because of my specialism.

What absolute tosh that he should be pandered to because if the pressure of providing for the family I do exactly the same role in our house and its how its set up. I don't feel burdened and under pressure because I'm an adult who chose to have a family and don't think everyone should bow to me for providing for them , what a stupid statement to think he must be treated so very carefully for providing for his family. Each person plays the role that suits your setup but you don't winge and martyr yourself. If you don't like it you speak up with your grown up voice and find alternatives not throw a tantrum like my 6 year old.

Dp when he gets work it has a bigger impact if he has to cancel because its a client we need to keep and in gods honest truth he does pickups all the rest of time it isn't going to kill me to alter my hours when needed to. There is the odd rare occasion where its not possible for us so we use favours (that we have already done for others) but it's not easy. Just because I work more it doesn't mean the world must bow to my every need. For gods sake we do what normal people (and not simpering keyboard warriors witter about) and figure out as a team how to manage it.

Of course the one day shouldn't take the hit automatically. A job isn't necessarily less important because its less hours. What a breathtakingly stupid perspective. Who honestly witters that the little women should bow to the terribly big and important man's job. Bet none of you buggers would say the same if it was my way around, whatever you claim.

I guarantee if I posted from the other perspective you'd be finding 50 ways for me to manage it first without impacting the man's day.

I'm actually quite depressed at the simpering and undermining from bloody women on here. What in hell is wrong with you?

I swear to god some women see a man in a suit and want to burn womankind for their good opinion.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

How exactly would a childminder have helped with the one day off OP has needed for a stomach bug? Show me one childminder that will take an infectious child.

It's exactly because a childminder won't help with a sick child, that, when you can use alternative childcare, you should.

So rather than the OP's husband take a half day off for this one occasion where both grandparents are out of action (the other occasion having been the stomach bug) they should pay all year round for a childminder. Riiight.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

So rather than the OP's husband take a half day off for this one occasion where both grandparents are out of action (the other occasion having been the stomach bug) they should pay all year round for a childminder. Riiight.

No one's saying they should pay all year round. Many childminders will take ad-hoc children if they have spaces.

@Jvg33 The 'stress' is one day a week? and no not all childminders will work to 7pm, the 2 which serve Ds1 school wok to 5:30 at the latest.

DH and I both work FT, bring in similar salaries, and between us arrange emergency care as needed depending on who is busier and which kid it is (can wfh ok enough with the 6 year old, the 18 month old not so much)

Not everyone has both sides parents or friends who are in positions to jump when you have an emergency in place.

OP's husband being outright unwilling to care for his sick child for one day is the issue here, his expectation for OP to do all of the parenting while working and running a house is the issue, not that she won't look for a childminder!

Ad-hoc for one day a week until just after 7pm? Blimey. Funny way to run a business.

I agree with him.

I think you need better back ups for pick up and drop off. Needing to take a day off work just to do a drop off or pick up is not at all a good use of vacation or personal time. If he was just taking time off to pick them up and bring them home - fine but expecting him to be off for the day or half a day just for a pick up / drop off is excessive. Lots of family have two working parents - there isn't one parent who is off work everyday to do pickup and drop offs.

[quote QforCucumber]@Jvg33 The 'stress' is one day a week? and no not all childminders will work to 7pm, the 2 which serve Ds1 school wok to 5:30 at the latest.

DH and I both work FT, bring in similar salaries, and between us arrange emergency care as needed depending on who is busier and which kid it is (can wfh ok enough with the 6 year old, the 18 month old not so much)

Not everyone has both sides parents or friends who are in positions to jump when you have an emergency in place.

OP's husband being outright unwilling to care for his sick child for one day is the issue here, his expectation for OP to do all of the parenting while working and running a house is the issue, not that she won't look for a childminder![/quote]
I know people don't necessarily have the privilege of help from their relatives. I am one of those parents. We both work full time. We have two children just over a year apart. We have both said silly things to each other about the 'importance' of our jobs. It can be a struggle at times. This is where you need to weigh up options as a family and agree on future action. However, I don't agree that one person should tell the other to quit their job over theirs. I also think emergency childcare should be shared - this should be laid out under all the agreed options. OP should not give up their job over an inconvenience. They need to find alternative options together and agreed to them.

I think people are looking at this all wrong.

This isn't about who should provide daily childcare as that's already sorted but about the division of time off should that childcare go tits up on the day in the week the OP works or a child is ill on that day.

By not dividing it up between them then the OP could find herself in a position where she could face a disciplinary for too much time off.

This happened to me and I ended up with a written warning;there was 6 occasions in the space of 12 months I had to take time off because my of things relating to the kids;4 were illness,another was a trip to A&E and on one occasion the babysitter turned up and told me they'd been vomiting so I sent them home as I didn't want my kids to get ill.

The consequence of that written warning was it would be on my file for 12 months and I wasn't allowed to apply for any other roles or promotions within the company during that time so it held me back.

@Jvg33 I don't understand then. Why are you having a go at the OP and saying things like: "At the moment it appears you just assume either your parents or your partner are going to pick up the slack because you refuse to consider alternatives to alleviate the stress" when she did the previous day off that was needed and her partner tried to refuse this time - because he'd rather she had no financial independence? She's already said one child has SEN which I suspect is partly why she uses family. Which is not "slack", it's a formal arrangement.

Some of these replies are and depressing. The OP is the perfectly reliable childcare for 80 per cent of the working week. She works for 20 percent of the working week. Apparently her parents provide back up. The number of people saying that she (funny no one mentions her husband) should have back up childcare have seemed to have missed that her parents provide back up childcare. The odds of something going wrong in the 20 per cent of the working week when she is at work AND at a time when her parents are not able to help is very small. If her DH can't step up in that tiny rare occasion then I would be horrified. For goodness sake what kind of a parent does that when the odds of it being more than a one off are so low.

? And if you're in a workplace where you can't take the very occasional few hours off to provide emergency childcare then I feel for you but I don't agree that this is common in 2022. If the Ops DH hasn't had a day off in a year then he could take the time off he would just prefer to not have to bother because his job is vastly more important. I would be telling him that I find his lack of dedication to his own family to be deeply unattractive OP. You don't need more alternative childcare OP (between you and your parents you have heaps of reliable childcare for your DH), you need your DH to get a new attitude!

[quote Gastonia123]@Jvg33 but I didnt make this thread to ask people about alternative childcare, which everyone keeps telling me i need to get [/quote]
People are saying you need alternative childcare (which doesn't have to be paid for ,but could be a friend or another parent) because the reality is that if you are a 2 parents working family (and this will only get worse when you increase to more days) there are always going to be occasions when your normal childcare won't work, and you can't always be taking days off at short notice or you look flaky.

As a one off, of course DH should help out. But this isn't a one off. It's the second time in only 2 months, and your child will get ill again, your parents will have other commitments or go on holiday, you will get ill yourself and not be able to look after your DD on one of your "normal" days, or have a hospital appointment or .... Having a wider support network in place, or alternative childcare options before you need them is essential if you want to work more (which I'm fully in agreement that you should).

The number of people saying that she should have back up childcare have seemed to have missed that her parents provide back up childcare.

If her parents were just the backup childcare then OP wouldn't have an issue. It's because they are the normal childcare for this day, that the problem exists in the first place.

[quote ToykotoLosAngeles]@Jvg33 I don't understand then. Why are you having a go at the OP and saying things like: "At the moment it appears you just assume either your parents or your partner are going to pick up the slack because you refuse to consider alternatives to alleviate the stress" when she did the previous day off that was needed and her partner tried to refuse this time - because he'd rather she had no financial independence? She's already said one child has SEN which I suspect is partly why she uses family. Which is not "slack", it's a formal arrangement.[/quote]
It's because I soon realised that op wanted people to have a go with them about their partner rather than asking people's thoughts and ideas of solutions. We don't know the context. Perhaps the partner covered emergency cover last time. Perhaps it's a no pay situation. Some people don't get paid for dependency leave. How about instead of moaning about everyone's partners we help them come up with solutions for a change?

Perhaps the partner covered emergency cover last time.

The OP did it! She said so! He has never, not once, taken a day off for the kids. He is basically saying it is the OP's problem. What about this makes you think he will sit down and come up with a shared system.

You share it pro rata. I work 2 days. If DS is poorly for a week then I take one day off and so does DH. In reality DS is now 9 and DH can WFH so he would look after him around work.
In your situation if it’s one day a week, you take it in turns, so it’s his turn this time.