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Original poster

To expect my husband to take day off to pick up child

97 replies

Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 11:29

Both myself and my DH work. Myself 16 hours and DH full time. I used to just work one day a week at the weekend but have recently in the last couple of months picked up a day during the week. My parents pick up our children from school and I drop them off before work. My daughter had an upset stomach about a month ago and I asked my husband to take the day off. He refused as he has the 'proper job's as he put it so I took the day off even though it didnt look great as I started more hours.

My parents have now tested positive for covid so will not be able to pick the children up so I have asked if he will do half a day and pick them up. He has refused and told me he cant and that if I cant work without it being an issue then I'm going to have to go back to working weekend which I was not happy with. He reluctantly agreed and was in a foul mood but i feel furious that I am being made bad to feel like this? Is it my responsibility if I've chosen to work more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:07

@redandwhite1 he does overtime a couple of days a week also and hasnt taken a day off in a year but he seems to think his job would be on the line if he did one half day. it's frustrating

OP posts:
RB68 · 08/02/2022 13:07

Also none of this measures impact on things like pensions either. He would soon want you working if you were separated and he needed to be handing over cash for CM

gogohm · 08/02/2022 13:09

The problem is that he is probably under pressure at work not to take time off and you as a family are reliant on his income. Can you not work flexibly in your position, I work 20 hours but can change them when needed. Obviously harder in some jobs!

He does sound like a bit of a dinosaur in attitude but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and says it's because he feels he supports the family.

My honest advice is to look for a job with more hours and sort out back up childcare to cover because sadly with an attitude like that it's worrying for you long term, get financially independent

Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:10

@OfstedOffred I finish work at 7 pm and his shift pattern changes so one day would be 4pm finish the next week 8pm. There are no options for childcare this late so my mum will usually have them. We dont routinely let our employers down. I've had one day off in the last year which was a month ago and my husband has had 0, it's just a couple of unfortunately events

OP posts:
D0lphine · 08/02/2022 13:12

[quote Gastonia123]@redandwhite1 he does overtime a couple of days a week also and hasnt taken a day off in a year but he seems to think his job would be on the line if he did one half day. it's frustrating[/quote]
He doesn't think this.

It's an excuse to get out of being a parent.

Honestly if I were you I'd go full time and insist he did 1/2 domestic and childcare work.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 13:12

They need to start attending after school club and he can pay for it. Or pay a childminder for an hour or whatever time you need. Why is his career more important than yours? He can work weekends instead. Tell him he is selfish and now you are going to be too. Tell school he is picking them up from school on Mondays and give them his phone number. Drop it on his plate and don't give into negotiation.

RedskyThisNight · 08/02/2022 13:13

[quote Gastonia123]@RedskyThisNight neither of us finish work until the evening and my children are reception and nursery age so I wouldn't want to ask someone[/quote]
In a family where both parents are working, it's a very good idea to start building up a support network. This is a one off, and you're in a position to return the favour on another occasion. You do need to move beyond "don't like to ask". A few hours is not moving into CF territory.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 13:19

[quote Gastonia123]@OfstedOffred I finish work at 7 pm and his shift pattern changes so one day would be 4pm finish the next week 8pm. There are no options for childcare this late so my mum will usually have them. We dont routinely let our employers down. I've had one day off in the last year which was a month ago and my husband has had 0, it's just a couple of unfortunately events[/quote]
There are options. Childminders. They are literally at every primary school in the country. Including yours. They will be willing to do different hours after school. Where are his relatives? Why aren't they helping? Like I said tell him it's no 50/50 split. Do not negotiate with him. When the school phones you, tell them your partner was supposed to collect them or take care of someone else to pick them up and to ring him. him using your parents during his split is not an option.

Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:20

@RedskyThisNight my nursery age child has sensory/behavioural issues and I wouldnt feel comfortable sending her to friends houses

OP posts:
Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:23

@Jvg33 I'm currently waiting until next term until I am entitled to the 30 hour funding for additional nursery hours but I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my youngest to a childminder and his parents live 100+ miles away unfortunately.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/02/2022 13:23

I think his dream would be that I quit entirely, ask to borrow money when I need to and do all housework/emotional labour(which I do anyway) without moaning (which I dont do Grin)

You're husband is a neanderthal twat who wants a servant instead of a wife.

MonkeyPuddle · 08/02/2022 13:25

I have no idea why other players are suggesting the OP is routinely letting her employer down or needs a childminder. Childminders round me certainly don’t do emergency childcare, they’re full booked months in advance, plus I wouldnt want a stranger caring for my child.
OP and her husband usually have adequate childcare sorted, but illness has thrown it. OP’s husband needs to get his arse back on the parenting wagon and take some time off. It’s shit but it happens.

ambushedbywine · 08/02/2022 13:26

@Lennybenny

But you don't work 4 days in the week. So yes, it's your responsibility to pick up the child. If you were both working ft then you split it but as you have more spare time then yep it's you. That's how it works. And my answer would be it was him if it was him pt and you ft.
But on the days she isn’t working he has 99% reliable childcare in the form of OP!

So he is massively benefitting from her being part time. It’s not too much to ask that he is back up on the couple of days she works.

CoalTit · 08/02/2022 13:28

hes only started making the comments about having a 'proper' job since I've picked up hours but hes done it a couple of times and i cant shake how irritated it makes me

You've good reason to be irritated by that.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 13:29

[quote Gastonia123]@Jvg33 I'm currently waiting until next term until I am entitled to the 30 hour funding for additional nursery hours but I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my youngest to a childminder and his parents live 100+ miles away unfortunately.[/quote]
I don't think you want help with a solution op. You just want to moan. Time to leave this thread.

Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:32

@MonkeyPuddle thankyou, in pleased you can see where I'm coming from Grin

OP posts:
CanofCant · 08/02/2022 13:33

He has refused and told me he cant and that if I cant work without it being an issue then I'm going to have to go back to working weekend which I was not happy with.

What a dick. Good on you for holding your ground.

Original poster
Gastonia123 · 08/02/2022 13:34

@Jvg33 but I didnt make this thread to ask people about alternative childcare, which everyone keeps telling me i need to get Confused

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/02/2022 13:39

[quote Gastonia123]@defaultparent I think his dream would be that I quit entirely, ask to borrow money when I need to and do all housework/emotional labour(which I do anyway) without moaning (which I dont do Grin) hes only started making the comments about having a 'proper' job since I've picked up hours but hes done it a couple of times and i cant shake how irritated it makes me[/quote]
So his money is his money, you have to borrow off him if you aren’t earning?

That’s financial abuse. Your money should be joint. Did he fall right out of the 50’s?

Kpo58 · 08/02/2022 13:46

Suggest to him that you should divorce him as you aren't his slave and then he would have to look after them 50% of the time or that the 1950s want him back.

It's not healthy that he hasn't taken any leave. Isn't it a legal requirement to use up leave?

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 13:47

[quote Gastonia123]@Jvg33 but I didnt make this thread to ask people about alternative childcare, which everyone keeps telling me i need to get Confused[/quote]
I was furious with you until I realised you don't want to be open to alternative solutions. Regardless of job title in this country, most people would feel pressurised about asking for half days or asking their bosses to leave earlier than expected. You need a plan in place with your partner about options, c, d, e etc if this happens again and you both need to agree. At the moment it appears you just assume either your parents or your partner are going to pick up the slack because you refuse to consider alternatives to alleviate the stress.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 08/02/2022 13:48

What a total dick youre married to OP. He's treating you so shabbily. He sounds like a misogynistic pig. He's in a marriage, a partnership, a family, he's a parent (they are his children arent they?) - and he acts like a king with servants. Fuck that shit.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 08/02/2022 13:51

But also OP, yes you do need to consider alternative childcare. It's pretty essential.

RegardingMary · 08/02/2022 13:53

I work part time, DH works full time.

We usually split unexpected childcare 50/50 if it falls on a day I'm working. We do work together though so it often depends who's role is more coverable at that moment.

Jvg33 · 08/02/2022 14:06

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty

What a total dick youre married to OP. He's treating you so shabbily. He sounds like a misogynistic pig. He's in a marriage, a partnership, a family, he's a parent (they are his children arent they?) - and he acts like a king with servants. Fuck that shit.
This is how I felt originally. But op won't look into solutions such as childminder to alleviate the stress on the both of them.
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