'You don't marry the one you love.. you marry the one you're with at that stage of life'

[humourme194]

Id like to ask your opinions on the question. AIBU to be on the fence with regards to this statement. A friend said it the other day.. you don't marry someone because you love them/they're the one.. you marry the person you're with at that stage of life where everyone is doing it or you feel as though you should, have reached an age where you should settle down and start a family etc.

Id love to hear peoples thoughts and if they agree or not. I guess it depends on the individual.. I know people (parents age etc) who have been happily married for like 50 years.. but can see in my own friendships people who are recently married probably wouldn't have lasted, lived together or wanted to marry each other if we weren't at the age where everyone else is doing so.

Peer pressure and societal pressure have a huge influence on our life decisions.

It has to be true. So many groups of friends all get married within a couple of years of each other, c 30.

I feel like I “panicked” in my late 20s (ridiculously) as I wanted to have DC. Was reasonably happy for a few years but then not. Got divorced at 38 after 5 years of being unhappy. Met DH 6 years later and although he is “the love of my life” (and I am his) we have both said that we would not have been compatible when younger, and it’s our experiences that have shaped us. We are now 61 and 66.

Her statement implies that you don't love the person who you then marry or you only marry them because everyone else is doing that. And there are different types of love, some instant infatuations, some slow burn/friendships. But I agree that there is a lot of truth in what she says. You marry someone who has the same ideas/timelines/plans for their future and that is dependent upon being on the same page at the same time. What can't work is being head over heels and having differing future plans.

I think this was at least partly true for me. I married the only man I've ever been with when we were 29 (had been together over 10 years at that point). I'd never been bothered about marriage before but something changed in me and all of a sudden it's what I wanted, and I knew I wanted children and felt like I had to be married beforehand. People around us were getting married and I think looking back I definitely felt the pressure in some way. I did love him but I don't think I necessarily married for love. I distinctly remember having some thoughts about whether we truly were compatible/he was the right one for me/whether I'd ever meet anyone else that I felt more connected to but I very quickly dismissed it from my mind. I reasoned with myself by saying that if I was going to meet anyone else like that, I'd have met them by now and I hadn't. I remember being absolutely horrified that I'd had that thought and just quickly got rid of it from my mind completely. Looking back though it makes me feel so sad.
Now we have one young child (best thing I ever did) and I'm questioning whether I want to stay in the relationship because I don't feel fulfilled.

Funny my husband and I were saying this today, the timing for us was awful, and all different obstacles but we’re so glad we did it anyway! It’s been almost two decades now. It was 100% for love.

I married for love 28 years ago-still love him so 🤷‍♀️

I think that's kind of true, many different things come together at once. I think I'd have been happy with previous boyfriends if all other circumstances had come together whilst I was with them, they just didn't. I married at 37 and I'm very happy and in love with dh.

I think there is a lot of truth in this. Not for everyone. But I think a lot of people marry the "he'll do and I don't have time to mess about" man. And sometimes that works and often it doesn't. It's a lottery.

I don't believe in "The One", its complete hogwash. I've been in maybe four or five long term relationships with men who could have been "The One" if I'd talked myself into thinking he was. The actual one I did marry wasn't right for me and we split after 10 years and I can now see that he was definitely Mr "He'll do" (I was 32 when we met, 34 when we got married and I wanted to have a child). But he was not demonstrably less suitable for me than any of the other four or five relationships I've had. I could have married any of the rest and would have had an equal chance of making it stick. All of them had good and bad qualities and things I missed when I wasn't missed them but other things lacking for which other men compensated.

I think making a marriage work long term has more to do with shared goals and ability to rub along together than it does with being "soulmates" or being in love. What we describe as being "in love" is usually a combination of lust, compatibility and someone fitting your aspirations. And there's nothing wrong with that but if you can't live together none of that really counts for anything. Ultimately its more important to be with someone you can live with day to day over a long period of time than to be with someone who you think ticks some mythical "soulmate" box.