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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'You don't marry the one you love.. you marry the one you're with at that stage of life'

108 replies

humourme194 · 08/02/2022 09:36

Id like to ask your opinions on the question. AIBU to be on the fence with regards to this statement. A friend said it the other day.. you don't marry someone because you love them/they're the one.. you marry the person you're with at that stage of life where everyone is doing it or you feel as though you should, have reached an age where you should settle down and start a family etc.

Id love to hear peoples thoughts and if they agree or not. I guess it depends on the individual.. I know people (parents age etc) who have been happily married for like 50 years.. but can see in my own friendships people who are recently married probably wouldn't have lasted, lived together or wanted to marry each other if we weren't at the age where everyone else is doing so.

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 08/02/2022 14:12

I think it's true of some people but not all. It was definitely true of my first marriage. Not that I didn't love him but he was not the love of my life.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 08/02/2022 14:18

Of course, I'd depends completely on the individual. We all see marriage in myriad different ways. My decision to marry was based on a few things, love being one. That’s not to say I may have made a different decision under different circumstances. There's not one answer to this. But what you describe there, marrying the person who is there at the time the person wants to settle down, this is how many men operate. I've seen it.

KalaniM · 08/02/2022 14:21

In my group of friends it’s true. One friend married because biological clock ticking and met someone she thought would be a good dad with a good salary. She has had several affairs and doesn’t fancy him but he gives her a good lifestyle so they are still together thirty years later.
Another friend met someone she wouldn’t have looked at years earlier, but biological clock again, she married him to have a family, she doesn’t fancy him at all and is quite independent of him socially but reliant on him as part of the family. They tick along.
I married on the rebound from a love affair that ended traumatically. Disaster! Did it because time seemed right, peer pressure to be in a couple,be on the property ladder etc.
I actually don’t know anyone who married for love. My friends all married later in life, settling and pragmatic. Sad!

gannett · 08/02/2022 14:41

I don't think these things are mutually exclusive. Sometimes you love the one you meet at the right stage of life (for you both). DP and I fell in love instantly and never looked back, but I'm 90% sure that had we met 5 years earlier (which we could easily have done through mutual friends) it wouldn't have panned out like that - when I was 25 I wanted nothing to do with commitment or relationships and honestly hadn't sorted my head out enough to be any good at them either.

Loving someone should be more important though. If you're just with someone because they're conveniently at the same stage of life as you, but you don't love them, it's never a good idea to marry them.

Nat6999 · 08/02/2022 15:06

Yes, I married exh & knew even before we got married that I didn't love him, it was a mistake I had to live with for 8 years until we got divorced.

OrangeShark27 · 08/02/2022 15:08

I've dated a fair few men and only stayed with the ones I've been in love with. So whilst it maybe the person you are in love with at the right time, it's still the person you are in love with. I don't think people have long term relationships without at least thinking they are in love.

I am going to marry my current DP, I am in love with him. Hes amazing, clever, funny. He's kind to everything, he's great with kids and animals. I know he will be amazing dad and an amazing husband. I am marrying him not just because I love him but because he is the right person to spend my life with. Maybe if we met when I was 60 we wouldn't marry but I'd certainly want to spend my life with him.

My ex I was massively in love with, but he was a workaholic and devoted all his time to his career. Marrying him would have been a terrible idea, he would have made a shit father and a shit husband. He was a great boyfriend for a while and I could have married him for love, but I know that when I got to 40 I'd have hated him. I wanted to have his babies but I didn't want to be the mother of his 10 year old child!

I think you should marry both because you love them, because they are the right person who is going to be a good dad and a good husband. I would say its a right person right time scenario. In the days of tinder/hinge there's a lot of choice and you don't really need to settle because it's so easy to meet people it's easy to meet people who you fall in love with. That's what I've found. I do know a few friends who have perhaps settled but I would say most genuinely love their partners

BobbyeinArkansas · 08/02/2022 15:16

I married my husband because I loved him and he ticked a lot of boxes for me. Ironically we had dated 3 years earlier when I wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down (even then I knew he was "marriage material") and we lasted all of 2 dates. We got back together when I decided I was ready to settle down, thinking about a family etc. Still together 15 years later and still love him. But had I never wanted to get married and have a family, I'm not sure we'd have ended up together.
So I don't altogether disagree with the statement. But I had enough experience of dating and boyfriends to know that my now husband was a good egg and the best I was likely to get. And he is. I was right.

Shinyandnew2022 · 08/02/2022 15:25

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

I split from the person I was with at the stage of life where all our friends were getting married and having babies as it made me realise that I didn’t want that with him. We had been together 8 years. We got on perfectly well and he was lovely but I was petrified at the thought of being with him for the rest of our lives. Felt like a big gamble in case I didn’t meet anyone else. Anyway, I met my DH about a year later and found what I was missing with my last partner. So no, it isn’t true for me.

I did something similar and was quite the odd one out in my group at the time . The break up made me realise what I wanted from a partner and I met DH pretty soon after . It means I had my DC later than my friendship group but I am so happy I had the DC with the right partner and not the ex !

Calennig · 08/02/2022 15:38

I met DH at 18 at university - we dated then fell very much in love end of that year his education took him elsewhere - we dated but were living in different bits of UK for 8 years - engaged for two of those - then married - another two years for first child then bought house three years later with two children with plans for third.

I think we were slightly unusual not to have manged to get in same city within those 8 years but weren't only couple still together in late 40s who met at univeristy.

So some at least met fall in love and wait to marry till they can get circumstances right.

Incidentally many around us seemed suprised we lasted - with some expressing views we were settling - but many had their own agendas and biases not always acknowledging our reality, behavior or what we wanted.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 08/02/2022 15:47

While marriage is about cementing your love, it's also a legal bond that has practical implications. I married DH because I love him, but I also cherish the stability that being married to him provides. I was a single parent before we met and I'm sure that influences what I now value in a partner.

Glitterygreen · 08/02/2022 16:17

I agree with this to some extent, particularly as people get older and start to panic about settling down.

Not to say people will marry any old body, but I do think people are more inclined to settle/compromise as they grow older and start to consider having children etc. It doesn't surprise me lots of couples split up following babies.

CupOfNiceTea · 08/02/2022 16:20

Is love even a real thing?

HotChoc10 · 08/02/2022 16:25

Well, I'm with the person I love and have been since I was 22. But I'm marrying him now (at 29) because we're at that life stage I suppose, and we want to. Not mutually exclusive.

BottlingBurpsForGrandma · 08/02/2022 16:27

I love my DH very very much. I didn't marry because it was the expectation (I was 20, still at uni and we'd only been together 15 months when we got engaged, so it very much was not the plan to want to marry him!) Nevertheless, while I was bowled over by him, the marriage part was an active decision based on the fact I thought we shared life goals and wanted the same things. Conversely, we possibly would have broken up if we'd not kept moving forward together. I would think for most people it's a similar complicated mix of time / place / life goals / headspace / finances / person.

Trisolaris · 08/02/2022 16:30

I think that a lot of people when young aren’t particularly interested in being tied down so aren’t really open to falling in love. I wasn’t for a long time. It’s only in the last few years I felt more ready for it. If you are actively looking for a serious relationship you are more likely to find one.

Whelmed · 08/02/2022 16:30

I think we can love more than one person.

MrsToothyBitch · 08/02/2022 16:36

I left my ex in my early 20s because although we were happy, I wasn't sure we'd stay happy in the long run. It was a serious relationship and we did want the same things together but we had other differences and I knew I'd slowly make him miserable. I loved him very, very much though.

My fiance I both love completely and feel lucky to have met at the right time- we both want the same things and we've both had bad 20s and are lucky to be where we are today. I really want to keep him.

They're definitely the only 2 I've ever loved.

Crucible · 08/02/2022 16:37

I married someone just before my 30th birthday, I wanted kids (was very clear about that) and he was financially stable and sensible (we'll he can be daft as a brush). None of that made any difference, I married him because I completely loved him and I still do. Sometimes things look terribly 'rational' and as if they're somehow par for the course and all that - but mostly underlying that rational decision is good solid love.

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2022 16:46

You need someone you love at the right time.

One without the other doesn't work.

mydogisthebest · 08/02/2022 20:53

We married 5 months after meeting because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Neither of us wanted children so there was no getting married to have kids.

I was 25 and DH was 23. We have been very happily married for 42 years and are still very much in love.

Lots of women seem to marry to have children and, not surprisingly, those marriages don't last

mistermagpie · 08/02/2022 21:24

That's what I did. We'd been together about 9 years and I was 29 and wanted to get married and start a family because that's what you do when you're 30.

The marriage lasted 18 months. It was a total disaster, even though we had been living together for years.

Then I met DH almost immediately and the timing was awful but we fell in love, got married and have three children. This is my 'real' marriage!

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 08/02/2022 21:29

I think this could apply to first marriages, but less so for subsequent marriages. It applies to me (been divorced for years). I'm currently single and would never again settle for anything but the one I love.

ImInStealthMode · 08/02/2022 21:31

Both. Married at 30 because everyone around us was doing it. Turned out to be an abusive narcissistic wanker (the red flags had been there all the time). Lasted less than 2 years.

39 this year and shortly going to marry the very best Man I've ever met.

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 08/02/2022 21:34

That doesn’t ring true to me at all but I got married 10 years before all my friends. 26 years later and still annoyingly happy.

cherrybonbons · 08/02/2022 21:45

I don't think I married for love when I did.
7 years married and 10 years later. I really love him now. More than anything. It took a while to get there and it's been a long road. But we've always been equals and I think that's the main thing that's seen us this far.

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