'You don't marry the one you love.. you marry the one you're with at that stage of life'

[humourme194]

Id like to ask your opinions on the question. AIBU to be on the fence with regards to this statement. A friend said it the other day.. you don't marry someone because you love them/they're the one.. you marry the person you're with at that stage of life where everyone is doing it or you feel as though you should, have reached an age where you should settle down and start a family etc.

Id love to hear peoples thoughts and if they agree or not. I guess it depends on the individual.. I know people (parents age etc) who have been happily married for like 50 years.. but can see in my own friendships people who are recently married probably wouldn't have lasted, lived together or wanted to marry each other if we weren't at the age where everyone else is doing so.

I think there's some truth to it. Some people marry the person they happen to be with at around age 30. I believe you should only marry your best ever shag and nothing less.

I married young, we’d had a child and I wanted the ‘perfect family’ that I never had as a child, I can honestly say I didn’t love exH at all, just wanted that life, it wasn’t all miserable, we had a nice life, holidays, experience etc. We had 2 more children during the marriage, but after 15 years it just wasn’t right anymore, so we amicably divorced.

I have now been with soon be DH for 5 years, madly in love with him, he had similar previous long term relationship (no marriage but a child) but this time I am marrying for love and because he is my best friend and I want to be with him forever. I’m not naïve enough to think that it’ll necessarily go like that as who knows what will happen in the future, but definitely marrying for love.

I think you marry the person you love at the time you are both ready to get married, start a family etc. Its possible to be in love with many people in your lifetime but you'd marry the one who was ready to get married at the same time you were.

I love my DH but we both openly state that we are only married as we were both in the same place in life to want a long term relationship/marriage etc. If we weren't both ready at the same time then it wouldn't have lasted and we wouldn't be married now and would be with other people.

@Bubbles1st

Well I thought I married the one. He was just the one for the time it turned out. But I don't believe that many people would really Marry for the sake of it would they? That's sad.

I think this is probably very true of lots of us. Not deliberately cynical and at the time it seemed right.

As for me, I thought I married for love, but it became clear over time that my husband’s motives were more ‘it’s time to have kids’.

No, I absolutely,totally married the one I fell in love with, I was 19 and he was 22 and we have just had our silver wedding last summer.

That happened to me - I did love my exh but I never felt he was 'the one' or the 'love of my life' but I was ready for kids/marriage and did love him. I'm now with someone I happily call the love of my life, but had we met in our 20s when I wanted kids there's no way we'd have got together - we were both completely different people in our mid-20s than we are now at 40, so I can't regret the way life has played out as I now have both kids and my partner.

Could have been me. I would have absolutely married the bloke I was with when everyone in our social circle was settling down. Thankfully he wasn't up for it.

The right one came along in my early 30s. He still makes me smile every day. I adore him.

I understand where you are coming from. A few of my friends settled. One of them has a husband that actively pursued her for 5yrs and eventually she relented as we reached our 30s and there was no one else. I am certain they have a great marriage though.

I think you're probably right OP, but then I don't think there's a "one" you love.

I think you spend enough time with (almost) anyone, and you learn to love them. That love takes different forms, whether it be familial, friendship etc. But you add intimacy and sexual attraction, and you get romantic love.

Most people I'd say get married in their late 20's / early 30s. It's a time when people are looking for stability, to have kids, to settle down, so it's the logical time to get married, but that doesn't mean that they love the person they're with at that point any less than they'd love anyone else in their life.

Personally, I'm not married. I've been with the mother of my child for 15 years but neither of us has ever really seen the point of marriage (other than the financial, which can be sorted in other ways). Based on probabilities we probably wouldn't still be together without our daughter. Neither of us had had a relationship that lasted more than a year at that point, so without the extra influence of a child its likely our relationship would have gone the same way.

Does that mean I don't love her? No, of course not. I've spent almost every day for 15 years with her, we care about each other deeply, I don't want to be apart from her.

I don't think people really "fall" in love. You fall in lust, and not with a person, with an idea of a person. Love is something that is built, it's shared experiences, shared pain, shared happiness. You're building a bridge between two people, and sometimes that bridge is strong, and sometimes it collapses.

If you're building that at a certain point in your life, then for many people marriage is a way to strengthen that. But it's not a guarantee.

So yes, I think marriage is about a life stage, not a person. But that doesn't mean the person you're marrying isn't the right person.

I don't think that can be true for many people these days. Surely if you had really loved any of the previous ones, you would have stayed together? And then got married when the time was right.

It might be true for those who feel they are running out of time and settle for someone who they don't really love. But those marriages are unlikely to work in the long term.

This is true for me.
Married at 23, thought it was love, took the next 20 years to work out how unhappy I was.
I’m now single and happier than I’ve ever been.

@RoyKentsChestHair

I think you can love lots of people. I don't believe in "the one" so when I married my XH at 26 I loved him and thought it must be right. However, 3 kids down the line and it turned out maybe not!

So I met XDP and spent 9 years wishing we could get married and live happily ever after. If circumstances had allowed, I would have married him in a heartbeat as I was besotted with him. However, I was glossing over some pretty major incompatibilities.

I'm desperately hoping that freeing myself from that one will lead me to someone I can spend the rest of my life with. But I'm realistic that even if I do meet someone - presumably in his 50s and with DCs already - he may not want to get married for financial reasons even if he loves me enough that he may have done earlier in life.

I think we've lived the same life 😱

Maybe in their 30’s. I think those marrying young and marrying for crazy teen love some lasts some don’t.

We met when I was 15 and married by 20 had been engaged a few years at that point. Still together so far with three children.

I think 45 plus marry for love or companionship either way.

30’s could go either way though love or mad dash to bag a partner to have a family with.

I fell in love with mine when I was 19, and the rest is history. I'm 30 now. He's the love of my life and he makes me laugh every day. I never saw myself as a marrying person until I met him, and having watched my parents destroy each other throughout their unhappy marriage, it wasn't a decision I took lightly to marry him.

I actually think there is a lot of truth in that. The point is that people don't realise it, and they don't do it consciously, but they do do it, if the relationship is broadly solid.
And there is nothing to say that won't work in the long term. There are probably dozens of each of us could be happily married to. The point is you marry the one who is broadly fine at that particular time, and then you work together with them for the next 60 years or whatever to ensure it lasts.

For me, the two things are the same. I only fell in love with one man, after a lot of boyfriends where I wasn't in love, and I married him. I don't believe he was The One in that there's only one perfect person, but I do believe he was my soulmate (person that matched my soul). It might be possible to have another one.

I don't find it possible to love lots of people and then pick one, it was the fact I dated without falling in love that told me to hold on.

Cynical but close to the truth I think.
Hormones, esp for women, are driving a lot of our decisions I feel.

There is also the issue of 'who is THE one?' and is there such a thing anyway....

Why would you be with someone you didn’t love?

I think some people do that definitely but I didn't and I'm sure others didn't either. We're not all the same

Wasn’t true for me (married very young because we were in love). In my experience it’s common but disasterous reason to marry someone. I think you could predict at least half of divorces by looking at what state they are in when they get married. Let’s face it people get married who really shouldn’t.

Some people would do that but many people do not commit until they find the person they feel is the one. Women are prone to do it more because of the biological clock but I would not have married if I would not have felt he was the one. Or have kids just for the sake of not having kids.

I think when you're in your 30s, if you want to settle down and have kids, you can convince yourself that you love the person you're with even if actually in another time and place it would be apparent they're not right for you. I got into a serious relationship with someone when I was in my mid 30s who I thought I was in love with. I glossed over some of his flaws because I wanted to love him. We split up before we married but it was a close thing and it would have been absolutely the wrong thing to do.

Free of the pressure to settle down and have kids I think I would have seen him for what he was earlier on the relationship. I'm now with someone much more suitable for me. He made a similar mistake in his 30s though and was with someone who really wasn't right for him. They had a child together but split when DC was a toddler.

It's obviously not always the case but I think you can make mistakes when the pressure is on.

Well, it's clearly bollocks!

I married my husband because he's the finest man I've ever met and I completely adore him!

We didn't do it because everyone else was, we did it because we wanted to.

@peaceanddove

I don't believe in The One. That's just nonsense. There are thousands upon thousands of people that you could connect deeply with and decide to spend your life with. But I do think there is still a sliding scale and it's whether you're happy to settle for Mr. 1347 on the scale - or wait in the hope you might meet Mr. 127, or even Mr. 6???? Let's face it, the chances of you actually meeting Mr. 1 are vanishingly remote.

I got very lucky. Met DH when I was nursing a badly broken heart. He confidently told me 'I'll make you forget him' and my God, didn't he just. Our first date lasted the whole weekend and by the Sunday night I could barely even remember my ex's name. DH just absolutely overwhelmed me.

I fell in love with him, heart and soul, that weekend - and 30 years later, I have still never once stopped falling in love with him. But, I think what we have is quite rare.

Why do you think what you have is rare?

i think there is a level of truth to that, sometimes for better or wrose i suspect love is involved still just i i remember dating a few guys when i was quite young i could have married (they were interested in that i loved them lots but i was too young and wanted to travel and stuff first) but i wasnt ready to settle down yet. So when i was ready and met a guy who i love who was also ready we married, i suspect i would have been happy with 2 or 3 of the other guys as well just maybe with regrest i didnt live a bit first.

So a combo of love and readiness on both parts i guess.