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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting MIL to know our address

80 replies

Fashionista22 · 07/02/2022 19:54

Currently having an ongoing argument with my partner and would love to hear some options.

I don’t get on with his mum. She’s aggressive and unpredictable. He thinks I’m being over the top but that’s how I feel. We’re looking to buy a house in another area soon and I said I don’t want her to know our new address. On one hand he should be able to tell his mum his address and thinks this will effect their relationship. On the other hand, why should I have to live in a place worrying she’ll turn up one day?

What would you do?

OP posts:

Unsure33 · 07/02/2022 22:03

I hope when you have children and they marry you remember this .

Sometimes in laws have a rough time .

lottiegarbanzo · 07/02/2022 22:11

Do you trust your DH not to invite her to your home? Not to let her in?

If not, I'm not sure you can live with him.

If yes and she really is that scary, then maybe your idea has merit. As how would she know or need to know where exactly you live, if she'd never be invited to visit? He can meet up with her elsewhere.

Could you arrange long-term post forwarding from the old address, or another address (but who lives there and what are they going to do when she turns up, camps outside, then gets irate when they're not you?)?

lucythejuicy · 07/02/2022 22:22

You are being ridiculous. She couldn't get in your house anyway

WonderfulYou · 07/02/2022 22:23

I could not be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t supportive of my relationship with my mum (and my mum has serious MH issues) which includes knowing my address and being invited round.

How are you going to cope if you have children?
Surely she’ll be invited around then.

If she ever turned up and was aggressive then you would call the police, but you say yourself that’s highly unlikely.

You sound very controlling.

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:25

Didn't tell DM when we moved were ex directory. She found us and started phoning. Had a mate in the NHS who looked it all up for her. She Also had our new address. My friend called the police on a mad relative once.

Sorry OP it's awful

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 22:27

I find it unbelievable that she's a physical risk to you, yet your husband doesn't agree to witholding your address.

You don't like her, that's a shame but fair enough, but that's his mum and he's entitled to tell her where he lives.

If you don't feel safe, and your husband isn't helping protect you, then leave him. But don't play games to alienate his family.

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:32

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

I find it unbelievable that she's a physical risk to you, yet your husband doesn't agree to witholding your address.

You don't like her, that's a shame but fair enough, but that's his mum and he's entitled to tell her where he lives.

If you don't feel safe, and your husband isn't helping protect you, then leave him. But don't play games to alienate his family.

She's not playing games it's frightening to be on tenterhooks every time the phone rings or there's someone at the front door. My nerves were shot at one stage. I wouldn't even open hand written envelopes

Northernlurker · 07/02/2022 22:40

You are being ridiculous. Either you need to break up with him or you need to accept his mother is part of your life. Not giving her the address is not an option.

Lalala1 · 07/02/2022 22:41

YABU you’ve said “your home” but it’s going to be his home too

I’d agree with pp and this isn’t going to end well if u keep pushing this he obviously has no issue with his mum and rightly so wants her to have his address effectively your saying she can never visit I’d give her the address but put boundaries in place with your DP in that if she causes any trouble he deals with it

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 22:43

@justasking111

If the situation is that bad, then why is her husband not stepping in?

Either there's a big problem that isn't getting resolved. Or there's not a big problems and OP is exaggerating.

Either way, her husband has a right to tell his mum where he lives. OP doesn't have to live with him.

RampantIvy · 07/02/2022 22:45

If she is violent towards you why doesn't your husband have your back?

Can you move so that you are too far for her to visit?

justasking111 · 07/02/2022 22:47

[quote GettingThemFromHereToThere]@justasking111

If the situation is that bad, then why is her husband not stepping in?

Either there's a big problem that isn't getting resolved. Or there's not a big problems and OP is exaggerating.

Either way, her husband has a right to tell his mum where he lives. OP doesn't have to live with him.[/quote]
Some men just can't handle bad mothers they're treated badly as children and still come back for more. I've seen it and been baffled by adults who still endure the most awful parents

VivX · 07/02/2022 22:53

Of course your partner should give his mother his address.

If she lives in Scotland (and presumably you don't) then she's unlikely to turn up.
And if she does, isn't this why locks and "ring" doorbells exist for?

MaggieFS · 07/02/2022 22:57

If you have good reason to feel physically threatened by her, then YANBU, but it should be something which you and DP agree on.

HelloPanda12 · 07/02/2022 23:23

I hate my MIL but unless she had murdered someone or committed a serious crime I wouldn’t dare tell my DH she can’t have the address to a house we bought together. You are being majorly unreasonable I’m afraid.

SquirrelG · 07/02/2022 23:25

You will probably be a MIL yourself one day OP. How would you like it if you weren't allowed to know the address of one of your children because his partner didn't want you there?

You need to grow up!

Norgie · 07/02/2022 23:27

It's his mum, you have no right to interfere in his relationship with her.
If he wants his mum to know his address, and why wouldn't he, then that's his choice not yours.

PixieLaLa · 07/02/2022 23:28

I’m clearly in the minority but YANBU!
It’s your home and you should feel safe there, it’s nothing to do with him mum.

MintJulia · 07/02/2022 23:28

If he absolutely promises he will never give her a key, then just let him get on with it.

A vile MIL is a truly horrible thing, but every mum should at least be able to post her ds a birthday card.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2022 23:38

I'm not sure how far 'in Scotland' is from you but it's about 5000 miles from me. However, I'm assuming it isn't just a hop, skip, and a jump from your new home.

At this point I think YABU. If she lived five miles away and had a habit of showing up and threatening you or 'acting up I'd probably feel differently. But if she lives hours away then I think you'll be fine. Set 'ground rules' with your DH so he doesn't invite her to stay or that he'll need to meet her somewhere out of the area or travel to her. Get a Ring doorbell, a CCTV, and keep your door bolted. You should be fine.

Listen, if this has you this tied up in knots about something that hasn't happened and probably won't happen, you may want to consider whether or not you're suffering from some type of situational anxiety.

Sunshinelover2 · 08/02/2022 00:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SD1978 · 08/02/2022 02:50

Yes it's unreasonable, because your partner doesn't agree that the behaviour is unreasonable. This is a worse joint NC thing- which he obviously doesn't feel is necessary, or not. Do you really want to move together if he is happy with his mum abusing you?

OooohBabyBaby · 08/02/2022 06:29

If she’s as unhinged as you say and do horrible towards I’m struggling to understand why your dp hasn’t said anything to her
But if he isn’t supportive you will just forever argue about this, how will you ensure other family members don’t tell her? Or will you get them all to agree not to say?

Whole thing is bonkers

justasking111 · 08/02/2022 06:29

@Sunshinelover2

She tried to hit you?! No, you’re not being unreasonable at all. It’s beyond belief the people who are telling you not to worry about it and she can’t get in your house - violent people break windows?!

You have to wonder about some on here that think your MIL assaulting you is OKAY.

labyrinthlaziness · 08/02/2022 06:34

This sounds like a worry for you.

If you are genuinely concerned she might hit you, then YANBU.

If your MIL is just on the regular irritation scale, then YABU.

I think it is better given what you have said to talk at length with your partner about how you do not want to see her alone (due to the previous episode where she nearly hit you).

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