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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to invite sibling a year younger?

105 replies

JaggedStone · 07/02/2022 16:43

Trying to sort out DD birthday (will be 7) in a couple of months and asking DD who she would like to invite and one girl has a sibling who is a year younger and I am sure the mum will ask if she can come? It’s likely to be a party at home due to finances so not a strict cap on numbers but obviously I’m then in charge of more girls.
I don’t particularly want the sibling to attend but am not sure what to say?
Surely it’s unfair for siblings to go to all parties when they haven’t been invited and they then get to go to double the parties.

OP posts:

Bywayofanupdate · 07/02/2022 18:40

You could just include it in the invite so she doesn't even ask. Just say something like 'sorry no siblings'

Eightiesfan · 07/02/2022 18:43

DS1 had a bowling birthday party and then across the road to Pizza Express, I think he must have been 8 or 9 at the time. The parents of one of the friends he invited both wanted to be there - no idea why - so bought along his younger sister, which is fine, but instead of looking after her they made sure she participated in the bowling and then the CF’s sat her down on the party table, while they sat at another table and ordered food, leaving me to pay for their uninvited daughter. Apparently this was their normal MO.

Clymene · 07/02/2022 18:43

I'm guessing that if you know someone is likely to ask, then heading them off at the pass is sensible.

You shouldn't have to say *sorry, no siblings' but I guess it means you can avoid a difficult conversation later.

Even invited numbers at that age in your home means lying down for a few days in a darkened room to recover so I can't imagine coping with additional guests!

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 18:44

It's one child.

I'd let them come.

Clymene · 07/02/2022 18:47

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

It's one child.

I'd let them come.

Why?

Seemssounfair · 07/02/2022 18:48

@Isonthecase

I don't understand why it's so rude to ask if siblings are invited if it's not clear? Just make it clear on the invite - due to numbers we won't be able to accommodate siblings at the party. Drama resolved.

If you really can't understand why it puts a host in an awkward position when another parent asks if the sibling is invited you need to try harder.

Also, generally people do not ask that question for clarification, they are trying to get an invite for the sibling and everyone knows it. If your child is not on the invite they are not invited, it really is that simple.

You could, at push, decline and say sorry can't come as I can't get childcare for sibling and they might then say bring them. But you don't ask.

Nixster87 · 07/02/2022 18:52

I’ve two boys a year apart and I would never expect to take the sibling to a birthday party his brother was invited to. If it was in a play area during regular opening and I had to stay I’d take along the sibling and just pay for them to play and eat but sit with me. If it was a house party and drop off type I wouldn’t dream of asking. I can understand it might be more difficult for single parents if they’re expected to stay at the party but the other child isn’t invited they may not have childcare options available for this kind of thing. But as a rule if it’s just the child invited and their parent doesn’t need to stay there doesn’t need to be an extended invite to the sibling. When I throw parties my boys have a joint party as their birthdays are so close and only a year apart in age. My oldest son will this year have some 5 year olds attending as he’s the youngest in the school year and my youngest will have some 3-4 year olds attending from his childcare placement. If my son invited a friend (he’s got a small circle of friends) who I knew had a sibling and a single parent and it was somewhere they need supervision I would invite the sibling so that my son could have his friend attend and the parent didn’t feel so torn or possibly have to say no to the invite because of a sibling. I haven’t the room to host a house party so the joint party at a bigger venue means the kids can have so much more space to play. It’s not always doable but it’s just the circumstances of some parents may not be the same as your own.

pleasehoover · 07/02/2022 19:07

I don't understand why this is even a thing. Named invite to the intended child. If parent asks about siblings (which is cheeky, no idea why anyone would assume that for a drop off party) just say no. Not something I would give a moments thought to, and certainly not craft wording on the invitation especially to get around.

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2022 19:09

Just put ‘Sorry, no siblings’ on the invitation.

MumWithYOPD · 07/02/2022 19:09

The first party my DD was invited to by a child from nursery I asked the mother if my DS could go, they said it was ok, I stayed. I’m still mortified by this over 15 years later. The mother was lovely about it (that said, who knows what she may have said to the other mums) with hindsight I wish she would have said no and that they would let me know if someone dropped out.

DirtyDancing · 07/02/2022 19:10

Just specify sorry can't accommodate siblings due to numbers and it's a drop off party.

Blueuggboots · 07/02/2022 19:10

People are just brass necked these days?
I wouldn't dream of taking a sibling to a party unless they were actually invited!?!

My SD wanted her birthday at a buffet restaurant in our home town, 30 minutes drive from her mum's house.

She invited friends from school with clear instructions where it was (and that parents were welcome to stay but would have to pay if they wanted to eat) and none of them even bothered to say they weren't coming?!

VivX · 07/02/2022 19:10

Good grief. It's so rude and entitled to assume that siblings can come or that that is the default position. I also think it is rude to ask because it puts the host parents on the spot. If it is a drop off party there is literally no need for siblings to attend.

The only time I have taken siblings is if they have expressly been invited in their own right (so actually also an invited guest) or the parent has suggested it themselves... and this was usually because parents had to stay. And then I would end up helping in some capacity eg, helping with the cleaning up.

SouthOfFrance · 07/02/2022 19:19

Write on the invite

"Unfortuantly due to space we can't accommodate siblings this time. Please let me know of any allergies/dietary requirements".

Job done.

Mellowyellow222 · 07/02/2022 19:21

@Isonthecase

Why wouldn’t it be clear. The child whose name is on the invite?

RegardingMary · 07/02/2022 19:23

Even with children similar in age people are generally unlikely to ask.

If she does say something like 'I'm sorry we've got limited numbers already, if childcare is an issue feel free to just drop off'

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/02/2022 20:10

It is on the invite - it just says “Susie”, therefore only Susie is invited.

Yanbu at all OP

Wanting to bring a sibling to a drop off at your house is the worst. They really just want a child free hour and don’t care about your or you child’s enjoyment of the party/ lack of desire on your part to child mind for them.

Yes if it’s a public place and you pay for said sibling (and remain with them of course, buying them food etc), maybe if it’s still the age where parents have to stay too, so may have to bring the sibling. But never ever to a drop off, or in any way to expect “hosting”.

flowery · 07/02/2022 22:37

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

It's one child.

I'd let them come.

How do you know it’s one child? All the other families might have siblings as well, just have parents that aren’t as rude!

lisaandalan · 07/02/2022 23:03

Write on the invitations sorry if this causes offence but no siblings, I haven't got the room for them all. X

TrashyPanda · 08/02/2022 11:10

@GettingThemFromHereToThere

It's one child.

I'd let them come.

Why?

If your child wanted them there, they would have said so.
Once you go down that line, what about the other children who weren’t invited, eg classmates? Your kid knows them better than some random sibling.

If your child wanted sibling there, they would have invited them.

If she ask, just say “no”. Not possible”
Don’t faff around apologising (you aren’t sorry,they weren’t invited and that’s an end to it) or saying “this time” because that makes it so7nd like it is a reasonable request, which it definitely isn’t.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/02/2022 11:13

If the parents dont have to stay then I have no idea why they would even ask.
I think its fine to say that due to a lack of space etc you have a cap on the number of kids.

TrashyPanda · 08/02/2022 11:14

@lisaandalan

Write on the invitations sorry if this causes offence but no siblings, I haven't got the room for them all. X

That just causes more problems.

“Oh, but she is the only sibling in that group. So it’s not like you are having 6 extra children. Just one. Which will be fine. Byeeee”

And

“I am totally offended, now you mention it. I hadn’t thought about it before, but once you said that, I realised you knew you were being offensive and went ahead anyway. How dare you only invite six children?”

buddylicious · 08/02/2022 11:19

I'd say something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry but due to numbers it has not been possible to invite some of my daughter's friends, so it would be unfair on her if I allowed siblings to come instead".

Smilingthru · 08/02/2022 11:26

I put on DDs invite that siblings weren’t able to come. Saved people asking and made it clear from the outset it was just the child invited. So far no one has asked and I haven’t been ignored in the playground! I actually think parents have appreciated the honesty.

BestKnitterInScotland · 08/02/2022 11:28

@JaggedStone

Trying to sort out DD birthday (will be 7) in a couple of months and asking DD who she would like to invite and one girl has a sibling who is a year younger and I am sure the mum will ask if she can come? It’s likely to be a party at home due to finances so not a strict cap on numbers but obviously I’m then in charge of more girls. I don’t particularly want the sibling to attend but am not sure what to say? Surely it’s unfair for siblings to go to all parties when they haven’t been invited and they then get to go to double the parties.

You say no.

No because it's a party for the girls in the same class only, and a younger sibling would change the dynamic. Do not feel slightly bad about this, the other mother would have a right cheek asking in the first place.

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