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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she's lying

59 replies

Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:01

If you asked your teenager if they were having sex and she said no, then you said if you are use protection and she said okay what would you think?
Added to this the fact she came home yesterday and rushed upstairs to have a shower.
Am I over thinking or is she lying?

OP posts:

BrickByBoringBrick · 07/02/2022 16:02

Isn’t she allowed to have sex? Is she under 16?

riotlady · 07/02/2022 16:03

Why on earth would you think she’s lying? Because she said “ok” and had a shower? Massively overthinking

chilli1212 · 07/02/2022 16:05

BobHadBitchTits · 07/02/2022 16:06

Did she close the door when she showered...?

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 16:06

then you said if you are use protection and she said okay what would you think?
I'd think she was taking advice on board, I wouldn't automatically think the "okay" was an admission of having sex.

Mummytobe93 · 07/02/2022 16:09

I know you’re a parent and you worry but PLEASE don’t make her feel judged/guilty by having sex. It took me years to overcome the feeling of doing something bad when engaging in sexual activity due to my parents making it something forbidden and wrong.

I don’t know how old is your daughter but if she’s around 15 I’d expect she has had some sort of sexual experience already. If my mum asked me at point blank I’d I’m having sex at 16 I’d also deny it as most teens don’t want to talk about sex with parents.

Don’t second guess her answer, just make sure she knows about staying safe from STI and unwanted pregnancy, that’s all you can do really.

Cas112 · 07/02/2022 16:10

What else was she meant to answer to that?

HirplesWithHaggis · 07/02/2022 16:12

You know her better than us, but I'd think "OK" is a perfectly reasonable response to you asking her to use contraception if/when she has sex.

Rushing for a shower, maybe she bled through?

CrunchTime22 · 07/02/2022 16:12

How would you feel if she asked you that??

HollowTalk · 07/02/2022 16:13

I think what I'd do is take any confrontation out of this. I'd speak to her on her own when she isn't about to rush off anywhere. The car is good for this, if you drive. Knowledge is what she needs right now, to avoid pregnancy and getting into something if she's not ready. Talk to her honestly and openly about how she should use protection. She mustn't rely on condoms. Is her boyfriend a nice boy? Is he likely to talk to all his friends about it and shame her? Talk to her about why she shouldn't send him photos or allow him to take photos.

It'll be embarrassing for both of you, but really, embarrassment isn't as bad as other outcomes.

Sideswiped · 07/02/2022 16:13

You're seriously overthinking unless you discuss awkward topics freely - she's a teen and was probably embarrassed.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2022 16:14

As far as contraception's concerned, I'd take her to the GP or to a Brooke Advisory place if you have one near you - they are for young people and are fantastic.

Samcro · 07/02/2022 16:15

why would you ask them if they are having sex?
I just told ds to be careful and use protection. no way would he have told me.

Cornettoninja · 07/02/2022 16:15

Added to this the fact she came home yesterday and rushed upstairs to have a shower

I’d be more inclined to think a teen had been smoking/drinking/wearing make up i disapproved of more than they’d just had sex if they ran off to have a shower and I had reason to be suspicious.

It’s more likely she just wanted a shower..

ScrumptiousBears · 07/02/2022 16:16

You sound like my mother all those years ago. No wonder I didn't tell her anything.

Original poster

Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:18

Okay maybe I'm overreacting. I just want to make sure she doesn't get pregnant or get an STI.
I also overheard part of a conversation on the phone but I didn't want to invade her privacy by listening to her.
I really hope she doesn't think I was judging her by asking. She's 15 so obviously underage but I'm more worried about her being safe than being underage by a couple of months. (obviously rather she wasn't having sex but not naive enough to think it won't happen).

OP posts:

Foijkl · 07/02/2022 16:18

Maybe she ran to the shower to stop what sounds like an awkward conversation.

gogohm · 07/02/2022 16:21

I put condoms in the bathroom cabinet and told them to help themselves. No judgement needed. One is in a long-standing relationship from 17 and discussed going on the pill, the other goodness only knows, she's more into computer games

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 16:21

It's up to her to disclose that or not isn't it? She said 'ok', she listened she didn't dismiss or change the subject. I'd say that's fine. She will increasingly have aspects of her life that she won't feel the need to discuss with you.

notacooldad · 07/02/2022 16:22

I would have dived into the shower if my mum started the sex talk with me. Mind you, I was having sex at 15 ( and I don't regret it!)

Allsorts1 · 07/02/2022 16:25

I think the best thing for you to say is something along these lines:

“Darling daughter, I know that one day you will have sex and maybe you have already started. I won’t embarrass you further except to say that sex is a great part of life when it’s safe and consensual! I want you to be safe from STIs and pregnancy and I want you to only have sex with people you really like, when you are ready! You don’t have to tell me when you do but I am always here if you need advice or support, I was once a teenager too even though that’s hard to believe. This is how you get a prescription for the contraceptive pill, here are some pamphlets, this is a great website for information about STIs and here are some condoms for you for when you need them. Please know that I’m always here.”

Original poster

Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:27

I didn't talk to her straight away as it didn't occur to me until I heard her on the phone. I then sent her a text asking her as I thought it would be easier.
Perhaps I should just get condoms and say to both girls use them if you need them.

OP posts:

incognitoforthisone · 07/02/2022 16:27

Ultimately, if she's having sex, she's having sex, whether she tells you or not, so I think all you can do is make sure she knows how she can access contraception if she needs it. I'm assuming her boyfriend is a similar age to her, of course - different matter if he's a lot older.

If my mum had asked me if I was sleeping with my boyfriend when i was a teenager, and I'd said 'no', and she then said 'Well if you are, use protection' I think I would have just said 'OK' as well, in the desperate hope of ending the awkward conversation.

Having a shower is neither here nor there. I certainly don't think showering is some sort of indicator that she's had sex!

Gizacluethen · 07/02/2022 16:27

Not exactly smooth.
Just buy her condoms and tell her you don't want her doing anything she doesn't want to do and she can always come to you for non-judgemental support but that if she does want to have sex, you want her have the resources readily available to protect herself

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 07/02/2022 16:28

That response would not make me think anything. You say "okay" to things when you mean "this is of no relevance to me, go away, you're boring", and that's likely what it was.

As for communication, it's best if you build a relationship with your child where they can confide in you to avoid this but it's never too late to try.

Sit her down and level with her. If you can't do this then you may just have to accept she will do her own thing and you will never know.

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