Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's lying

59 replies

Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:01

If you asked your teenager if they were having sex and she said no, then you said if you are use protection and she said okay what would you think?
Added to this the fact she came home yesterday and rushed upstairs to have a shower.
Am I over thinking or is she lying?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:28

And tell her she can talk to me if she wants to or needs to but she doesn't have to.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/02/2022 16:29

There's no way I'd rely on a teenager using a condom to prevent my daughter from getting pregnant. She needs to get something sorted that doesn't rely on him knowing what he's up to. And yes, of course I gave my son condoms, but I told him that doubling up with the pill or similar was the only way to be completely safe.

Anonymous48 · 07/02/2022 16:30

You sent her a text asking her if she was having sex?

LittleGwyneth · 07/02/2022 16:32

It sounds like you bungled the conversation a bit. I would text her saying something along the lines of 'that conversation didn't go the way I had intended. I wanted to make sure that you know that if you're having sex it's so important to be safe. I've put some condoms in the bathroom, and I won't be keeping tabs on whether they get used or not. I'm always here for any questions and I really hope you feel you can talk to me. No judgement - sex is a perfectly normal part of life, even if it is a bit cringe to discuss with your mum. Also, if you do want to go on the pill I'm happy to take you to the doctor, or you can go the Brook clinic by yourself, just remember you still need to use condoms too. I love you.'

SartresSoul · 07/02/2022 16:33

Just buy condoms and tell her to use them. Having a shower doesn’t mean she’s just had sex, that’s weird logic.

I remember my mum accusing me of having sex at 14 when I definitely wasn’t at all, I hadn’t gone past kissing with anyone at that point. She even wanted to get me the morning after pill because she’s didn’t believe me that much Confused.

ANameChangeAgain · 07/02/2022 16:34

Perhaps I should just get condoms and say to both girls use them if you need them.
I would / have done this. I don't care how embarrassing it is, I also talk to mine about STIs and safe relationships. I have told them they are able to go to a doctor without my knowledge and that they can go to my sister if they don't want to talk to me. I'm sure they would talk to me, but at least they know they have options. I wouldn't demand though that they tell me everything.

Original poster
Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:38

I obviously messed up massively then. We've always been open and honest but after I heard her on the phone I panicked.

OP posts:
Sailor2009 · 07/02/2022 16:40

When I was 15 I used to come home and dive for the shower, I thought it would stop my mum smelling cigarettes on me. It was years later when she told me I was fooling no one because I left a cloud of stale smoke and anais anais behind me.
Chuck some condoms in the bathroom, tell her they're their, suggest she sees the GP for a second form of contraception and be there if she wants to talk.

user1498572889 · 07/02/2022 16:40

@BobHadBitchTits 😂😂 I read that post as well.

catfunk · 07/02/2022 16:44

If she's lying I don't blame her, you're not exactly laying the foundations for a relaxed open
Conversation by watching her like a private detective and questioning her. My mum behaved like that and I didn't tell her ANYTHING and it was really sad.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/02/2022 16:46

@BobHadBitchTits

Did she close the door when she showered...?
Oh yeah, this is weird (again) ...
Dumblebum · 07/02/2022 16:49

Oh dear you texted her?? Why would you think that was ok?

She said no. Accept it. She’s agreed if she does, she will use protection. And she’s allowed to shower for goodness sake.

If you find yourself panicking and can’t control your behaviour then try to seek some help, but texting her then deciding she’s a liar is not ok at all.

OldTinHat · 07/02/2022 16:53

Ffs don't buy her condoms. Firstly, that's condoning underage sex. Secondly, when she is of age, then she needs to understand that being old enough to have sex is old enough to take responsibility for contraception.

Give her the phone number for the local sexual health clinic instead.

CherryBlossomCheer · 07/02/2022 16:53

What did you hear on the phone that panicked you? If anything I’d imagine jumping in the shower is to hide the smell of cigarette smoke.

Benjispruce5 · 07/02/2022 16:53

I have two DDs and they have had school lessons on sex every year since about 10 so I’m pretty sure your DD knows she needs to use protection to avoid pregnancy and STIs. I would think okay is a quick, slightly embarrassed answer.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2022 16:56

@Rosebel

I didn't talk to her straight away as it didn't occur to me until I heard her on the phone. I then sent her a text asking her as I thought it would be easier. Perhaps I should just get condoms and say to both girls use them if you need them.
Why don't you have some actual conversations about sex, consent, and birth control? Confused
Original poster
Rosebel · 07/02/2022 16:57

Well I thought she would find it less embarrassing that way. I'm not sure where you got the idea I'm watching her every move. I only said she rushed to the shower.
Don't you ever panic about your kids? I don't need help because I worry about my children.
I haven't accused her of lying to her face. I just wondered (on here) if she was. She's said no so apart from putting condoms in the bathroom and saying she can use them if need be I'm just going to accept her answer.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 07/02/2022 16:59

Have you had any talks with her about sex and relationships?

housemaus · 07/02/2022 17:07

@OldTinHat

Ffs don't buy her condoms. Firstly, that's condoning underage sex. Secondly, when she is of age, then she needs to understand that being old enough to have sex is old enough to take responsibility for contraception.

Give her the phone number for the local sexual health clinic instead.

In an ideal world, yes. But in reality, there are plenty of teenagers (including those old enough to be having sex legally) who are too embarrassed to go to a sexual health clinic, or naive enough to think "I haven't got any on me but one time won't matter".

Having condoms available does not mean you're condoning underage sex, it just means you're aware that it happens and that if it does that it's very possibly going to happen whether or not a) you want it to and b) there are condoms available. Having condoms available ensures there are as few barriers as possible to making sensible, safe choices (and also shows the teenager that their parent is a safe, reasonable person to talk to about any worries they might have).

RegardingMary · 07/02/2022 17:10

Our teen has just got his first girlfriend. While they're still quite young I'm totally aware sex could happen.

We've always been an open family and try to be as approachable as possible.

We sat DS down and had a talk about consent, the law, protection including birth control and our personal opinions (we would prefer he waited until if was legal and he was older, but it was his choice.). I told him we have condoms in the bathroom cabinet, a demonstration using fruit took place.

1 disappeared (it's in his wallet) but that's all for now.

Apparently he's told DH 'they've much more to be getting on with before they get to that point'

RegardingMary · 07/02/2022 17:14

@OldTinHat

Much better to buy your cchild box of condoms then a bassinet.

Parents need to get over the ick and embarrassment, it's a box of condoms not a grenade.

sweetbellyhigh · 07/02/2022 17:15

I don't understand why you assume that her rushing to the shower means she has just had sex.

Is it what you do after sex and you are assuming she is the same?

NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 07/02/2022 17:17

When I was a teenager, I'll always remember my mam saying to me 'just remember, it's your body and it's upto you who you let in, don't give it to just anyone' and that really stuck with me. While all my friends were sleeping around, I never did as I had the mindset of 'my body is a temple, not a corridor'. As a mother to two boys, I've always been open with them and when I've been asked certain things, like what does such and such mean, I heard it at school, I've always been honest while admitting it's abit cringy, we both kinda turn our backs and I say what needs to be said as he listens but gives it the 'shut up mam' routine 🤣 as others have suggested, I'd just casually keep some condoms somewhere for her, not in a mutual area as I wouldn't want my mam to know how many I was using, while also mentioning if she ever wants to consider the pill for sex/period reasons, just to give you a shout and you'll help her get it sorted, (she can speak to the doctor alone while you wait kinda thing). It's all you can do really, be there if she needs you while telling her what the options are as a young adult.

MintyGreenDream · 07/02/2022 17:27

What did you overhear?

Dumblebum · 07/02/2022 17:30

The thing is op they won’t use the condoms, becayse to do so means rhey admit to being sexually active, as you will notice they are gone, and they will think you will question it.

The best way to approach sex is to sit down and discuss at a time that works for both of you, an intimate chat, when alone, not focused on that but which evolves to include it. Not to fire off a blunt or accusatory text.

I’m assuming you’ve sat down and had the conversation with her before, and continued to talk to her about protection, consent, her feelings, her relationships etc.? If so, just continue in that vein.

Swipe left for the next trending thread