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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Isn't a save the date just that?

73 replies

Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 14:23

Received a text 'save the date' asking to confirm our attendance to their wedding in 8mths time. AIBU that you don't normally need a confirmed RSVP now? (I'm not British hence not sure what the norm is)

YABU- of course you RSVP numbers from STD
YANBU- you RSVP once the proper invite arrives

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 14:26

Yes. You’re being asked if you’re likely to be available for that date

LIZS · 07/02/2022 14:27

Presumably you would reply only if not available.

Redlorryyellowduck · 07/02/2022 14:27

You wouldn't be RSVPing as such, just confirming you've not got a holiday booked or suchlike, so are most likely available to attend.

Laiste · 07/02/2022 14:28

If it's not clashing with something already booked then i'd tell them yes, you've saved that date, and thanks v much.

ufucoffee · 07/02/2022 14:31

I wouldn't formally rsvp but I'd text and say yes or no. Formal rsvp comes after official invite.

Laiste · 07/02/2022 14:31

I would like to receive an acknowledgement of a sent save the date text. Even if it was ''ok, noted, love to come but we'll have confirm for definite in x,y,z month''.

Total radio silence would worry me.

ShadowPuppets · 07/02/2022 14:32

You don’t formally RSVP but tbh, if my friend text me to say ‘just FYI please save the date for our wedding on 6 October’ I would just automatically reply ‘oh fantastic - in the diary, can’t wait!’ or ‘oh shit - I’m due to be in Mexico, I won’t be able to make it’ or ‘argh, that when I’m getting my adenoids removed, I’ll try and reschedule, will let you know’

SquigglePigs · 07/02/2022 14:33

I've never thought of them as a formal rsvp thing but would generally text the person saying something like "yay, how exciting, can't wait"

MsSquiz · 07/02/2022 14:33

Save the date is essentially a "pop it in your diary so you don't book anything else in", so RSVP required.

minipie · 07/02/2022 14:33

I would usually reply. It’s helpful for the organiser to know numbers early on and if they can invite others.

SageRosemary · 07/02/2022 14:37

I'm not British either. Have only received SaveTheDates from 2 couples. One followed up with a normal invitation to which we responded and had a lovely time at their Wedding. The other couple sent 3 SaveTheDates, they did get married eventually, but we didn't make the final cut!!!

Similarly, my DM received a SaveTheDate for an American Wedding, the actual invitation never came through, just as well she hadn't booked expensive flights.

I've never seen an RSVP request on a SaveTheDate. I think they are a bit pretentious, a bit of a command to keep your day free for our wedding and we might or might not actually invite you. We did our Wedding invitations old style, sent them out about 6/7 weeks before the Wedding. Of course, our very close family would have known about the date and that we would love them to be there with us to celebrate. A wise person said that you could expect about 90% positive response if you weren't getting married at the height of the summer wedding/holiday season, she was right, that we had almost exactly that number.

Original poster
Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 14:39

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did reply straight away, that we would love to attend. I wouldn't just leave it with no response!

My worry would be that lots of things can change in 8mths, so I felt a bit tied in to make a concrete, 100% decision right now.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 07/02/2022 14:40

I am British, but old, and "save the date" is a fairly new phenomenon, so my info is gleaned from years of reading MN!

STD means, this is the date we plan to marry, and we would like you to be there. It is not an invitation, and requires no more acknowledgment than "How exciting!" and sticking a note in your diary.

You might then receive a formal invitation to the whole of the wedding ceremony, meal, and evening do.

Or...

You might then receive a formal invitation to just the evening do.

Or...

You might hear nothing further at all, in which case you are faced with the excruciating dilemma of asking if you're invited and it got lost in the post, or sending a card with a passive-aggressive tenner included.

Having received an STD, your life is now on hold - do not plan holidays, get pregnant, fall ill, or lose your job. And start saving every spare penny in case the actual invitation is to a three day event in the Carribean, no kids.

SpaghettiArmsMurderer · 07/02/2022 14:41

It would never have occurred to me to send a positive RSVP to a save the date Blush if I had a holiday or something booked I’d let them know but otherwise I’d just, y’know, save the date.

ChateauMargaux · 07/02/2022 14:45

I think the ‘done thing’ is difficult to navigate if you are getting married. Somewhere it’s written that you send the invitations out 2 months before the wedding but that is far too late to have any idea of who is coming and who is not.. and far too late for people to plan… so we send save the date cards.. but we also need to know if people are coming.. if I sent invitations 8 months before the wedding, I guarantee that great auntie Ida would say…. crazy to send the invitations so early but equally, a family with kids need quite a lot of notice especially if the holiday is in school holidays, in term time ie at any time at all!! So yeah.. roll with it… Thanks for letting us know when you are planning your wedding.. it is on our calendar and we will keep the date free.

Bitofachinwag · 07/02/2022 14:46

They are a strange new fangled thing. Like sending two invitations.
Save the date: "can you come to my wedding on 3 March?"
Actually invitation: "are you absolutely sure you can come to my wedding on 3 March?"

starfishmummy · 07/02/2022 14:48

They do seem to be treated as invitation now. But unless it's someone close I wouldn't be changing plans.

Allsorts1 · 07/02/2022 14:49

I’ve always been confused by this too - the only reason to send a save the date instead of an invite is surely because you don’t have enough details for the invite (eg haven’t decided venue). However if that is the case, how do you even know the date? It just seems simpler for couples to wait until they have enough details to send an invite, and then send just an invite! I feel like save the dates were invented by wedding stationary companies to make more money 😂

peboh · 07/02/2022 14:53

A friend of mine did e save the dates, so we could all just click yes or no. She only did this though because she's getting married abroad, so needed a general sort of idea of numbers of when initially booking. When her invites go out, she knows not to necessarily expect everyone who said yes or no to still have the same response.

I think it's just common courtesy to respond, though a formal confirmation is not required.

Aprilx · 07/02/2022 14:55

@Hairyfriend

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did reply straight away, that we would love to attend. I wouldn't just leave it with no response!

My worry would be that lots of things can change in 8mths, so I felt a bit tied in to make a concrete, 100% decision right now.

You have just said you will save the date!

If you feel like this then respond “I will be there so long as nothing better turns up”. 🙄

Derbee · 07/02/2022 14:56

@Hairyfriend

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did reply straight away, that we would love to attend. I wouldn't just leave it with no response!

My worry would be that lots of things can change in 8mths, so I felt a bit tied in to make a concrete, 100% decision right now.

Saving the date means that you have that date saved. If you are making plans for unimportant or less important things, you don’t book anything on that date because you’re going to a wedding.

If something more important comes up, then you can no longer realistically save the date. It’s not an absolute concrete commitment, so you don’t have to feel tied in and inescapably committed. That’s after you have RSVPd in a few months time.

thisplaceisweird · 07/02/2022 14:58

When you send a Save the Date you shouldn't expect a reply, you might get a courtesy 'sorry I definitely wont be there because I'm...' but otherwise you wait for the invite to properly confirm.

Either they've misunderstood the etiquette or they're getting a bit anxious and expected more feedback?

toastofthetown · 07/02/2022 14:58

For our save the dates, some replied with ‘can’t wait’ kind of comments but I’d say that most people didn’t respond and that’s what I had expected really. I did note on the save the date that the formal invitation was to follow, which implies no need to RSVP.

HelloKeith · 07/02/2022 15:09

Unless there's a location and more detail on the Save the Date - how can you properly RSVP? You might be free on that date but not able/willing/keen to commit to fly 4000 miles, stay in a 6* hotel for a fortnight, go naked skydiving for the ceremony, and eat goat testicles for the meal.

MaggieFS · 07/02/2022 15:16

My thoughts exactly apart from the testicles.

No way I'd commit without knowing what it would cost me in time or money.

Boot on the other foot; if the B&G are trying to sound out rough numbers to firm up a venue, then they should at least say as much and add a rough location & accommodation plan (if any) to enable people to respond accordingly.

I'm fully expecting an AIBU in few months "AIBU to decline now I know it's going to cost £2k and need five days leave plus no children invited and I don't have a babysitter, but I said yes to a save the date".