Page 3 | Isn't a save the date just that?

Hairyfriend · 2022-02-07T14:23:20+00:00

Received a text 'save the date' asking to confirm our attendance to their wedding in 8mths time. AIBU that you don't normally need a confirmed RSVP now? (I'm not British hence not sure what the norm is) YABU- of course you RSVP numbers from STD YANBU- you RSVP once the proper invite arrives

Kite22 · 07/02/2022 17:35

I'm surprised by some of the answers on here.
My understanding of a 'Save the date' is that it is a notification so you can put a place marker in your calendar. It wouldn't cross my mind to reply to it. You haven't been invited to anything at that point.

I mean, I think they are a commercial thing that is completely unnecessary anyway...... just tell people when you see them, or WhatsApp / text / email / phone them...... but they are just to let people know they will be invited to the wedding on that date, when the details have been sorted.

So YANBU

godmum56 · 07/02/2022 17:38

@BoredZelda

I think they are a bit pretentious, a bit of a command to keep your day free for our wedding and we might or might not actually invite you.

I agree. Awful things. The people that I really wanted there (mums, dads, siblings) knew what the date was. If great aunt jemima, who I was only inviting because it's faaaaaaamily, has a spin class she couldn't miss, that's one less plate of food I had to pay for.

I think this too. I mean for nearest and dearest you would be negotiating a suitable date or the nearest you can get; and for other invitees, it may be lovely to see them there but no big deal either way.

ClaraTheCelebrityPachyderm · 07/02/2022 17:42

@HirplesWithHaggis

I am British, but old, and "save the date" is a fairly new phenomenon, so my info is gleaned from years of reading MN!

STD means, this is the date we plan to marry, and we would like you to be there. It is not an invitation, and requires no more acknowledgment than "How exciting!" and sticking a note in your diary.

You might then receive a formal invitation to the whole of the wedding ceremony, meal, and evening do.

Or...

You might then receive a formal invitation to just the evening do.

Or...

You might hear nothing further at all, in which case you are faced with the excruciating dilemma of asking if you're invited and it got lost in the post, or sending a card with a passive-aggressive tenner included.

Having received an STD, your life is now on hold - do not plan holidays, get pregnant, fall ill, or lose your job. And start saving every spare penny in case the actual invitation is to a three day event in the Carribean, no kids.

Yep, sounds about right 😅

Chely · 07/02/2022 17:45

YANBU

We didn't bother to do save the date, just sent out invitations 6 months before the wedding.

melj1213 · 07/02/2022 17:50

Save the Dates are not really meant to be advance invitations for all guests, but for a specific group who are to be invited to the entire day (ceremony/reception/evening do) where it is important/necessary to give them as much notice as possible.

I always understood them to be sent 12+ months in advance at the point where a date has been set but no other information might be available. They would be sent to the people most important to the Bride and Groom (Family/Wedding Party/Best friends) so they had advance notice and didn't book anything else on their chosen date as they really want those people to attend and/or for guests whose attendance would require significant travel/logistics that might need more notice than a formal wedding invitation allows (eg family coming from abroad).

Especially if a wedding is being organised for a peak time like the summer holidays when parents may be making plans for family holidays etc it is important to ensure everyone important to the B&G is available for the chosen date. There's no point booking your wedding for the 1st of August 2023 in May 2022 and then not informing your guests until they receive their formal invitation in May 2023, at which point they can't attend as they booked their 2023 summer holiday for in September 2022 because they didn't know you had a date set.

godmum56 · 07/02/2022 18:00

@melj1213

Save the Dates are not really meant to be advance invitations for all guests, but for a specific group who are to be invited to the entire day (ceremony/reception/evening do) where it is important/necessary to give them as much notice as possible.

I always understood them to be sent 12+ months in advance at the point where a date has been set but no other information might be available. They would be sent to the people most important to the Bride and Groom (Family/Wedding Party/Best friends) so they had advance notice and didn't book anything else on their chosen date as they really want those people to attend and/or for guests whose attendance would require significant travel/logistics that might need more notice than a formal wedding invitation allows (eg family coming from abroad).

Especially if a wedding is being organised for a peak time like the summer holidays when parents may be making plans for family holidays etc it is important to ensure everyone important to the B&G is available for the chosen date. There's no point booking your wedding for the 1st of August 2023 in May 2022 and then not informing your guests until they receive their formal invitation in May 2023, at which point they can't attend as they booked their 2023 summer holiday for in September 2022 because they didn't know you had a date set.

no but surely in those circs you just message around saying "woo hoo we have set a date and its xxxxxxxx. More information to follow!"

crabette · 07/02/2022 18:03

Oh god, I'm feeling awful reading the replies on here! I have a save the date card pinned to my fridge for a wedding this summer. I have not RSVP'd... I wouldn't have even thought of RSVPing a save the date! Surely it's only required for a proper invite, but is letting you know in advance not to make plans over that time.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 18:06

I think the new fashion of save the dates are for the benefit of the guests. A heads up. Having to accept there and then is a bit much, imho. Where does it all end. 🤯

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 18:12

@BoredZelda

I’d consider it extremely rude to not send a 10 second text to at least acknowledge their invitation.

It's not an invitation, it's a placeholder in the calendar.

If someone didn’t respond at all to a ‘save the date’ then I’d honestly assume that they had no interest in attending and I’d not bother sending them an official invitation.

In which case, I'm not that important to you and was only there to make up the numbers.

Well no, you’ve just completely made that scenario up. If someone sends you a ‘std’ then you’re important enough for them to want you at their wedding, but you’re apparently too important to bother sending back a text letting them know whether you’re available for those dates or not. I’ve never known anyone to send out a std to people that they didn’t go on to invite.

Fatmax22 · 07/02/2022 18:12

Oh... I have a save the date for September but I haven't replied. How can I when I don't know exactly where it will be and other details?

burnoutbabe · 07/02/2022 18:18

@Crunched

I only respond if I already know I will be unable to attend, that way the couple could use our spots for others they didn't have space for without it being an obvious fall back invite.

Yes same here. Or if it's day overseas and I know I won't want to travel to it.

Else I'll just say cheers, Glad you have sorted a date. I won't commit to attending as not enough information. It may clash with something I'd prefer to do that comes up later. It may just be an evening buffet when I get the actual invite!

Original poster

Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 18:25

Thanks for the input and advice. To answer some questions:
The STD stated the date, county, and a request to let them know now so they can plan numbers.

What things might change between now and then?

A close relative is palliative, and may not live out the year. They live a 20+hr flight away, so even if I was just attending the funeral, I'd want to be there more than a week

DH and I worked abroad for several months each year pre-covid. This will likely re-start this year- we just don't know when

I'm awaiting IVF but need a minor op beforehand, and waiting on the dates of those (with no indication of waiting times!)

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpy · 07/02/2022 18:32

The save the date invites I’ve had have had no contact details on to reply . They are just simply save the date 10th July invite to follow so no I’ve never gone and replied until had the invite .

melj1213 · 07/02/2022 18:46

no but surely in those circs you just message around saying "woo hoo we have set a date and its xxxxxxxx. More information to follow!"

That is literally a Save the Date ... just an informal version.

Some people are more formal than others so for some people an STD would be in the form of a text, some will be an email and for others it is a printed physical piece of card ... none are more or less acceptable than another, they're just different versions of the same thing.

Kite22 · 07/02/2022 21:47

Well no, you’ve just completely made that scenario up. If someone sends you a ‘std’ then you’re important enough for them to want you at their wedding, but you’re apparently too important to bother sending back a text letting them know whether you’re available for those dates or not.

Don't be ridiculous. You don't reply, as you haven't been asked anything. It is literally an instruction suggestion that you might want to keep that date clear.

I’ve never known anyone to send out a std to people that they didn’t go on to invite.

No, as I know people that are fairly normal, it's not something I've come across in real life either. But the poster hasn't made it up. Get yourself over to the 'Weddings' board. You'll see this come up on a fairly regular basis.

Kite22 · 07/02/2022 21:51

@Hairyfriend

Thanks for the input and advice. To answer some questions: The STD stated the date, county, and a request to let them know now so they can plan numbers.

What things might change between now and then?

A close relative is palliative, and may not live out the year. They live a 20+hr flight away, so even if I was just attending the funeral, I'd want to be there more than a week

DH and I worked abroad for several months each year pre-covid. This will likely re-start this year- we just don't know when

I'm awaiting IVF but need a minor op beforehand, and waiting on the dates of those (with no indication of waiting times!)

Wait, have I misread this, or are you saying you might not actually get married on the day you have asked people to save ????

The STD stated the date, county, and a request to let them know now so they can plan numbers.

Well, that is very unusual. Usually, a 'Save the date' is just that - a suggestion that people keep that date clear. If you have decided to ask people to let you know if they can make it on that date, then that is very different from the question everybody has been answering.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 21:58

Eh? The OP has received a STD, as an intended guest.

AuntieStella · 07/02/2022 21:58

I wouldn't RSVP to an STD.

But as they shouid only be sent to those closest to you whose absence would be felt (not every single guest), then surely you'd be in fairly regular contact with whichever of the happy couple you know and can just talk to them about your likely avaiiability

Original poster

Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 22:00

@Kite22- YES, you have misread this completely!!! I have been sent a STD via text from old friends, asking me to confirm if DH and I will be attending their wedding in 8mths time. Its not MY wedding nor my STD!!!

Several posters asked what could change between now and 8mths time, that would make me not able to attend THEIR wedding, and I listed just a few issues.

OP posts:

minipie · 07/02/2022 22:30

If that was my save the date, and you said yes, but one of those things you’ve listed then came to pass, of course I would totally understand you couldn’t come after all!

(although I would of course appreciate as much notice as possible)
if

Kite22 · 07/02/2022 22:54

Ah, sorry Hairy Friend. Good job I asked, rather than accused

Makes note to stop MNing whilst doing other things

Original poster

Hairyfriend · 07/02/2022 23:04

@Kite22- no worries at all

OP posts:

BoattoBolivia · 07/02/2022 23:25

I have had a verbal std from a work colleague. I verbally replied that I felt very honoured to be invited as I haven't know her long and know she was struggling with numbers. I haven't committed either way as we are teachers and it is in the middle of August. We already have a close friends wedding at the end of the month. We tend to take at least 3 weeks for a family holiday in the summer but haven't organised this summer yet as everything is so unpredictable. There is no way I can hold the rest of the family up so I can go to an evening do, but if I am around, I would love to go. 🤷