Page 2 | Isn't a save the date just that?

Hairyfriend · 2022-02-07T14:23:20+00:00

Received a text 'save the date' asking to confirm our attendance to their wedding in 8mths time. AIBU that you don't normally need a confirmed RSVP now? (I'm not British hence not sure what the norm is) YABU- of course you RSVP numbers from STD YANBU- you RSVP once the proper invite arrives

Boood · 07/02/2022 15:24

We sent out STDs months in advance of ours because it seemed like the best way of communicating with plenty of notice that we weren’t going to be inviting kids. We didn’t expect to get responses, and everyone we sent one to was invited to the whole thing.

Triffid1 · 07/02/2022 15:25

I think it entirely depends on how much information is on the Save the date. If it just asks you to save the date, then I think at best, I would send a note saying I have put it in my diary and hope to be able to attend.

But does the information include where the wedding will be or roughly what time etc? I find save the dates more common for big birthdays where the person along lines of "Please save the date as I'll be organising a big bash for my 60th at a local restaurant on Saturday 12 March. Hope to see you there and details to follow" I'd feel comfortable confirming yes or no right now. But a simple, "we're getting married - please save Saturday 29 October 2022" would leave way too many open questions. I'd diarise, but wouldn't consider myself to be committed until I knew the details.

Deliaskis · 07/02/2022 15:26

I wouldn't expect replies to a Save The Date, I have only ever thought of it as an early heads up....we're getting married, we'd like you to be there, this is an early indication of date in case you want to consider it when planning other things for summer etc....

Because many holidays for example, are booked before an actual invitation arrives (at say 3 months out) and it can be too late to change.

You only need to reply when you know specifically what you are replying to, date and time, location, day or just evening, with or without kids etc.

I've only ever heard on MN that people are asked to Save The Date but not actually invited to the wedding!

gogohm · 07/02/2022 15:27

It's to give them an idea of numbers, just yes you would love to attend

user1471517095 · 07/02/2022 15:30

We received a Save The Date card from our friends. We were well excited as we hadn't been to a wedding in years. Turned out we weren't even invited to the wedding. We did get invited to their extremely overcrowded night do. In a Marquee in the Garden, where the bar were selling Cola split from a multi pack at £2.00 a can. So we drank the Champagne we took them as a gift!

BogRollBOGOF · 07/02/2022 15:31

We planned our wedding two years in advance and effectively did an informal "save the date" by mentioning the date to close family and friends so they could avoid clashing commitments such as holidays. At that point finer details for us such as timings weren't known, and practical details such as flights weren't avaliable for guests to book. The actual invitations were sent a few months ahead when these details were known/ avaliable.

If I received a save the date, I'd await an actual invitation before confirming, would avoid other commitments and would let the couple know if it was a definite decline.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/02/2022 15:37

I have never responded to a save the date. I've always seen it as an FYI, rather than something needing a response.

If a response was expected then there would be an RSVP date.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 07/02/2022 15:45

@HirplesWithHaggis

I am British, but old, and "save the date" is a fairly new phenomenon, so my info is gleaned from years of reading MN!

STD means, this is the date we plan to marry, and we would like you to be there. It is not an invitation, and requires no more acknowledgment than "How exciting!" and sticking a note in your diary.

You might then receive a formal invitation to the whole of the wedding ceremony, meal, and evening do.

Or...

You might then receive a formal invitation to just the evening do.

Or...

You might hear nothing further at all, in which case you are faced with the excruciating dilemma of asking if you're invited and it got lost in the post, or sending a card with a passive-aggressive tenner included.

Having received an STD, your life is now on hold - do not plan holidays, get pregnant, fall ill, or lose your job. And start saving every spare penny in case the actual invitation is to a three day event in the Carribean, no kids.

^This. 🤦‍♀️

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 07/02/2022 15:54

@Hairyfriend

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did reply straight away, that we would love to attend. I wouldn't just leave it with no response!

My worry would be that lots of things can change in 8mths, so I felt a bit tied in to make a concrete, 100% decision right now.

But what would change? If you put the date in your diary you work around it surely? Unless something life changing happens like a birth or death.

Babadook76 · 07/02/2022 15:54

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I have never responded to a save the date. I've always seen it as an FYI, rather than something needing a response.

If a response was expected then there would be an RSVP date.

I’d consider it extremely rude to not send a 10 second text to at least acknowledge their invitation. If someone didn’t respond at all to a ‘save the date’ then I’d honestly assume that they had no interest in attending and I’d not bother sending them an official invitation.

BoredZelda · 07/02/2022 15:56

I think they are a bit pretentious, a bit of a command to keep your day free for our wedding and we might or might not actually invite you.

I agree. Awful things. The people that I really wanted there (mums, dads, siblings) knew what the date was. If great aunt jemima, who I was only inviting because it's faaaaaaamily, has a spin class she couldn't miss, that's one less plate of food I had to pay for.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 15:58

You've pencilled it in, you're planning on attending, barring something major, you'll be there.

MsSquiz · 07/02/2022 15:58

@Allsorts1

I’ve always been confused by this too - the only reason to send a save the date instead of an invite is surely because you don’t have enough details for the invite (eg haven’t decided venue). However if that is the case, how do you even know the date? It just seems simpler for couples to wait until they have enough details to send an invite, and then send just an invite! I feel like save the dates were invented by wedding stationary companies to make more money 😂

We booked our venue 18 months in advance, so knew the date but it was 1st July, so a time when people may have been considering summer holidays as well as being wedding season. So we sent out save the date cards so people were aware of when we had booked so they could take that into consideration when making other plans. We also had several guests travelling from the US so wanted to give them plenty of time to make their arrangements.

But, we also knew that everyone we sent a save the date to would be invited to all of the wedding (church and reception) as we didn't have separate daytime/evening guests.

BoredZelda · 07/02/2022 15:58

I’d consider it extremely rude to not send a 10 second text to at least acknowledge their invitation.

It's not an invitation, it's a placeholder in the calendar.

If someone didn’t respond at all to a ‘save the date’ then I’d honestly assume that they had no interest in attending and I’d not bother sending them an official invitation.

In which case, I'm not that important to you and was only there to make up the numbers.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 15:59

They're not an invite they are absolutely ridiculous things. If you're in the wedding party then yes, check the date waaaayyy ahead. Everyone else, well, sometimes people are just busy. If I had a save the date and I KNEW i had plans I would say so. But there's no way I'd assume I had to rsvp such a thing.

toastofthetown · 07/02/2022 16:08

@BoredZelda

I think they are a bit pretentious, a bit of a command to keep your day free for our wedding and we might or might not actually invite you.

I agree. Awful things. The people that I really wanted there (mums, dads, siblings) knew what the date was. If great aunt jemima, who I was only inviting because it's faaaaaaamily, has a spin class she couldn't miss, that's one less plate of food I had to pay for.

It’s not a command, it’s a heads up. The etiquette is that you only send save the dates to those who you will invite. It’s just a note to say that the wedding is planned for that day and people can take that into account in their plans if they want to. Many people make plans further in advance than wedding invitations are distributed. I’d rather have a save the date to have information for when I’m making plans. Or they can decide they’d rather make other plans anyway, but at least they have the information.

muddyford · 07/02/2022 16:20

Why not just send out invitations?

toastofthetown · 07/02/2022 16:33

@Spanielsarepainless

Why not just send out invitations?

Personally we didn’t send invitations when save the dates were sent because we booked the venue over eighteen months in advance, which is too early for formal invitations to be sent out. In that time frame some guests had separated from their partners and had new partners by the time of the wedding, new babies were born, dietary preferences changed etc. so having guests RSVP that far in advance doesn’t work. Sending an email to those we wanted to invite letting them know the date and location so they could work around it if they wanted seemed the easiest and most sensible option for everyone.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/02/2022 16:39

@BoredZelda

I’d consider it extremely rude to not send a 10 second text to at least acknowledge their invitation.

It's not an invitation, it's a placeholder in the calendar.

If someone didn’t respond at all to a ‘save the date’ then I’d honestly assume that they had no interest in attending and I’d not bother sending them an official invitation.

In which case, I'm not that important to you and was only there to make up the numbers.

Exactly.

Not following through with an invitation because someone hasn't responded to something that doesn't require a response is far ruder.

MsSquiz · 07/02/2022 16:55

@Spanielsarepainless

Why not just send out invitations?

We didn't want to send invitations out 18 months before the wedding because there are usually circumstances nearer the time that may mean some guests can't attend. We were also asking for menu choices, and choosing your meal 18 months before the day seemed a bit ridiculous. It also meant because people were aware of the date, we sent the actual invitations at the start of April, asked for RSVPs back by mid May for the wedding on 1st July

DelurkingAJ · 07/02/2022 17:01

We sent them as the logistics of both having close family and friends overseas (most of whom came but couldn’t have done so at three months notice) dictated it was necessary. We said where it would be and as everyone we invited got a full day invitation that was that. There were some people who then couldn’t come and that was fine but it avoided aunts, uncles and cousins being unable to attend. We didn’t expect replies.

CurzonDax · 07/02/2022 17:04

It's not a formal RSCP as such, but I'd imagine the couple are just trying to get an idea of numbers. It helps with budgeting (especially if paying per head), also a lot of suppliers will ask for an estimate of guests numbers before quotes (cake makers for example), and a lot of suppliers get booked up many months in advance, so it's just helpful for the couple to have an idea.

CurzonDax · 07/02/2022 17:04

*RSVP, not RSCP

Crunched · 07/02/2022 17:04

I only respond if I already know I will be unable to attend, that way the couple could use our spots for others they didn't have space for without it being an obvious fall back invite.

TrashyPanda · 07/02/2022 17:23

@Onlyforcake

They're not an invite they are absolutely ridiculous things. If you're in the wedding party then yes, check the date waaaayyy ahead. Everyone else, well, sometimes people are just busy. If I had a save the date and I KNEW i had plans I would say so. But there's no way I'd assume I had to rsvp such a thing.

Exactly.

Obviously, you let folk who live abroad know once you’ve booked the date. Cos they actually have to travel long distances/save up.

They just seem to be one more thing to add on to the already ridiculous money-making circus that weddings have become.