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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to dislike the way my mum talks to my baby?

55 replies

solbunny · 07/02/2022 11:32

Me and my mum are very close in that I know I can tell her anything and she'll always come through for me, but we're very different people but both... strong willed shall we say, and we clash fairly often - we always make up before the day is over, though. Genuinely never had a disagreement that wasn't resolved by the end of the day.

I had a baby recently and my mum was amazing as soon as he was born, and helped me so much when I was having a hard time after coming home from the hospital.

However, now I'm doing okay I feel like she's uninterested in talking to me when she comes to see me, and is purely there to see my baby. I think that's understandable to an extent, but I wonder if it's affecting my attitude towards the following.

She kept play-talking to my baby saying things like "oh did your mummy do that? Did she really! Oh she's horrid isn't she" and I just found it sooo unbelievably uncomfortable! Eventually I told her to pack it in and fair enough she's not done that specific thing again.

Then the other day she was talking to him again saying about how she's going to give him lots of chocolate when he's older "and we'll keep it a secret from mummy". Again, I just found this so odd. I've not ever expressed an opinion to her about my child eating sweets and indeed I don't have much of an opinion, except for that I don't often eat that kind of thing myself except for special occasions so I imagine I will raise my child similarly. Also, what I find odd is that my mum actually did specially and very strictly raise me not eating anything unhealthy so I don't understand where this is coming from.

I didn't say anything about the chocolate thing, but I told myself I would if she did it again. But I can't help but wonder, am I just being unnecessarily touchy as a first time mother? Is this normal grandparent behaviour? It's not a huge deal as like I say, we do always make up and if I tell her firmly to pack something in she generally does, but she will also forgive me when I'm being daft.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 07/02/2022 11:38

Based on what you are saying you are being unreasonably touchy. This is normal, you are a first time mum and maybe haven't been sleeping so well recently. Your mother is also acting normally as an irritating over the top first time grandma.

What you need to understand is that, after being the apple of your mother's eye for the last x years, you are no longer the Main Event. This will pass by the time baby hits their teens. In the meantime you and your mum get to redefine and hopefully deepen your relationship around your new shared interest.

Cocomelonearworm · 07/02/2022 11:39

This would irritate the crap out of me so I'd say YANBU.

CoalCraft · 07/02/2022 11:41

I know what you mean, especially about it feeling like it's all about the baby! I often don't get a greeting when we meet, only DD does, and of we're talking on the phone and DD makes a noise in the background, mum will break off whatever she's saying / interrupt me to talk to DD (who can't here her).

She also does the "talking through" thing a lot. So saying to DD "where have you been today?", "Have you eaten well?", "Mummy's too strict, isn't she?" Etc. Obviously expecting me to answer. In moderation this is fine but she takes it to an extreme and uses it to talk about things not relating to the baby, e.g. "How is mummy's cold?" "Did mummy have a good day at work?" "Nanny's hoping mummy can come over on xyz date" all said 'to the baby' but expecting me to answer. Drive's me nuts! I'm right here!

So I feel your pain OP! I do my best to put up with it though as I know she means well and is just excited. But Agh!

Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 11:44

The way both my mother and MIL talked to my son when he was a baby was incredibly irritating my MIL in particular had this maddening habit of repeatedly clicking her fingers right a couple of inches from his face and saying 'They love that, babies' and when he would start to cry (as why wouldn't you, if someone was clicking their fingers an inch from your nose when you're still getting used to not being in the womb?), she would tut as though he was doing babyhood wrong.

I just breathed. Neither of them is ever going to change.

TheCountessOfGrantham · 07/02/2022 11:46

@Porcupineintherough

Uh. No.

I don't think this new mother is worried or jealous that she's not the "main event". I think she doesn't like her mum talking negatively about her to her own child!

The way you jumped straight in with dismissing OP as a first time, sleep deprived, touchy mother makes me think you're a grandmother who behaves similarly

MaChienEstUnDick · 07/02/2022 11:46

I would brush most of this off, but there are things around children not keeping secrets from their parents which I think are really important as your child grows. I'd have to bring that up, I'm afraid.

(In short, surprises are OK, secrets aren't)

campion · 07/02/2022 11:46

Yes, you're being a bit daft. You can say literally anything to a new baby- she's not saying it to you and I doubt she's trying to wind you up. She's obviously still excited about being a g'ma.

You say she's been very helpful to you. Just concentrate on that and relax a bit. Grandparents are different with their dgc, more fun less responsibility etc but you'll still be in charge. Just don't tell her to 'pack it in' as directly as that, if you do. Good gndps are worth their weight in gold.

BabyInTheJungle · 07/02/2022 11:47

I think you are being a bit touchy, but I suppose if it annoys you it annoys you. It might calm down as he gets older? She's just an excited grandma in the first stages of being in love with the baby and wanting to interact with him. As he gets older and plays and things she'll become more normal towards you. She's creating a special bond with him just now and thinking aloud about the ways she can spoil him/be close with him as he gets older. I doubt it was any kind of dig at your parenting.

I struggle to relate as I love people talking to my baby and making a fuss over her and the sing-songy constant baby chat is good for their development. I'm quite happy not to talk to anyone when they come over, if they're looking after the baby and chatting away with her.

Maybe let her know it's annoying but as gently as possible?

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 07/02/2022 11:52

The keeping secrets thing would piss me off no end. However I've also had to take a back seat since I had my son. Mum hardly has a full blown conversation with me these days. It's all about DS

Ciaram55 · 07/02/2022 11:52

I wouldn't have liked the bit where she said mummy's horrid isn't she. I'd definitely pull her on that.

Porcupineintherough · 07/02/2022 11:54

The way you jumped straight in with dismissing OP as a first time, sleep deprived, touchy mother makes me think you're a grandmother who behaves similarly

Then you'd be wrong in every single respect

nanbread · 07/02/2022 11:56

Assuming baby is young enough not to understand really and there's not a big backstory, it sounds like she's joking around.

Having had two very hands-off sets of parents for my own DC, I'd be grateful for the relationship you and your child have with her.

A really important part of being a parent I've realised is to pick your battles - with your child and with others!

Runaway1 · 07/02/2022 11:58

It’s good you’re close enough to say you didn’t like her criticising you to your baby and that she heard you and stopped.

The secrets thing is now you being too touchy - secrets are not ok at all and kids have to know that from a really young age to keep them safe.

She can be really close to your child without having to come between the two of you.

Joinedforthis22 · 07/02/2022 12:00

but there are things around children not keeping secrets from their parents which I think are really important as your child grows. I'd have to bring that up, I'm afraid

This! It's very much discouraged to encourage children to have secrets with other adults due to the safeguarding issue. We don't have secrets we have surprises, so for example we don't tell daddy what we got his for his birthday as it's meant to be a surprise.

Original poster

solbunny · 07/02/2022 12:01

Yes sorry I didn't make this clear but @TheCountessOfGrantham is right, it's the fact that she's talking about me negatively that I'm finding annoying. I almost feel like she's trying to turn my baby against me, which I know is a little extreme but I just find the negative things she's saying uncomfortable. I mentioned about my feeling that she's only interested in the baby and not me because I just wanted to give the context that I might be irritated by that to begin with which is affecting my view unfairly.

Excellent point about how for safety reasons children should know it's bad to keep secrets from their parents so I will definitely raise that with her at some point, thank you for that.

But otherwise, the fact that I've got a lot of mixed responses is making me lean to thinking that it's just one of those things that people feel differently about so I will cut her some slack - I don't want her to feel she's on eggshells.

Thanks everyone so much for your perspectives! X

OP posts:

AuntieMarys · 07/02/2022 12:02

Why do some grandmother's behave like that? Is their own life so lacking they have to try and take over? The secrets thing is awful.

LimeSegment · 07/02/2022 12:05

It sounds a bit annoying but I also think she is just joking around. If it was an older child then no I wouldn't want secrets or endless junk food but random chit chat to a baby, meh. My mum says things like that to my dc sometimes "I'm going to spoil you" etc, she doesn't actually do it.

If you are just over the baby talk generally, that's fair, sounds like you have a good relationship and could ask her to cut back without causing offence.

angryfalafel · 07/02/2022 12:08

I'd hate that too.

But I'd definitely be doing it back...

"Oh, has Nanny forgotten that this is how Mummy does it poppet?"

"Aww and Nanny will be in trouble when you get your first filling won't she darling, yes she will!"

miltonj · 07/02/2022 12:12

Yeah my mother in law does this and I hate it. If she talks through the baby negatively about me, I reply to her directly.

crazyjinglist · 07/02/2022 12:12

I'd find this very irritating. She's doing this within your earshot because she's really addressing these remarks to you, not to the baby (who can't understand). Imo it's her way of staking her claim over her own special, exclusive relationship with her grandchild, and of showing you that she will do what she wants with your baby, regardless of what your opinion is. It's a 'strong character', domintaing, 'I'm in charge' thing to do, and it's arrogant and unpleasant imo. Challenge her every time she does it, or you'll have big battles later when she says these things once your child does understand what she's saying.

cherrytopcake · 07/02/2022 12:13

@Porcupineintherough

Disagree. Op, this would annoy me too. What she's saying is weird and over time it will start to undermine your parenting. When the baby is a toddler or in pre school, is she actively going to undo your hard work by giving the child things that you have specifically asked her not to ? It would annoy me too and I'd say something (politely and non confrontational of course) to her each time. My mum can be very annoying (talks and talks at me and ignores the grandkids) but she doesn't undermine my parenting or say weird stuff tbf.

miltonj · 07/02/2022 12:13

My ' baby is 17' months though so nip it in the bud now!

Llamasally · 07/02/2022 12:14

YANBU because my DM does exactly the same and it brings out some kind of rage!

cherrytopcake · 07/02/2022 12:17

@campion

Yes, you're being a bit daft. You can say literally anything to a new baby- she's not saying it to you and I doubt she's trying to wind you up. She's obviously still excited about being a g'ma.

Not all g'parents are worth their weight it gold. And some g'mothers (mums/mil) can be extremely annoying and interfering. When you've just had a baby, it's very hard to tolerate...

Beseen22 · 07/02/2022 12:25

Yep my DM did this. She used to say "Gran will get you a nice bottle of cow and gate, you are not needing to be on mummy all the time" but it went very wrong for her. My eldest was quite an early talker and a very clingy anxious little boy and she was leaving and saying good bye and I heard her saying "right baby gran will get her shoes on and then head home, you put your shoes on too and you can come home with Gran and she will look after you now" and he ran screaming from her and wouldn't go near her for a week. Funnily enough she never tried it with the second.

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