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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dislike the way my mum talks to my baby?

55 replies

solbunny · 07/02/2022 11:32

Me and my mum are very close in that I know I can tell her anything and she'll always come through for me, but we're very different people but both... strong willed shall we say, and we clash fairly often - we always make up before the day is over, though. Genuinely never had a disagreement that wasn't resolved by the end of the day.

I had a baby recently and my mum was amazing as soon as he was born, and helped me so much when I was having a hard time after coming home from the hospital.

However, now I'm doing okay I feel like she's uninterested in talking to me when she comes to see me, and is purely there to see my baby. I think that's understandable to an extent, but I wonder if it's affecting my attitude towards the following.

She kept play-talking to my baby saying things like "oh did your mummy do that? Did she really! Oh she's horrid isn't she" and I just found it sooo unbelievably uncomfortable! Eventually I told her to pack it in and fair enough she's not done that specific thing again.

Then the other day she was talking to him again saying about how she's going to give him lots of chocolate when he's older "and we'll keep it a secret from mummy". Again, I just found this so odd. I've not ever expressed an opinion to her about my child eating sweets and indeed I don't have much of an opinion, except for that I don't often eat that kind of thing myself except for special occasions so I imagine I will raise my child similarly. Also, what I find odd is that my mum actually did specially and very strictly raise me not eating anything unhealthy so I don't understand where this is coming from.

I didn't say anything about the chocolate thing, but I told myself I would if she did it again. But I can't help but wonder, am I just being unnecessarily touchy as a first time mother? Is this normal grandparent behaviour? It's not a huge deal as like I say, we do always make up and if I tell her firmly to pack something in she generally does, but she will also forgive me when I'm being daft.

OP posts:
TheCountessOfGrantham · 07/02/2022 12:35

@Porcupineintherough

The way you jumped straight in with dismissing OP as a first time, sleep deprived, touchy mother makes me think you're a grandmother who behaves similarly

Then you'd be wrong in every single respect Smile

So you're just lacking in empathy then. Gotcha
Rosebel · 07/02/2022 12:44

Oh my parents do this. My son has taken to screaming at nappy change time and my dad will say oh isn't mummy mean? Why doesn't she want you to play?
But he's my third so I just ignore it as much as possible. He did ask questions through him but I stopped that because it was bloody irratating. I just said I'm here dad. I can answer.

BlondeWidow · 07/02/2022 12:45

This reply has been deleted

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Anonymouseposter · 07/02/2022 12:45

If you normally get on well I would just confront it honestly. "What's the problem Mum,- since I had the baby you ignore me half the time and, I know you're joking but when you pretend to gang up against me with him I find it upsetting"

TulipVictory · 07/02/2022 12:48

@BlondeWidow what makes her 'disturbingly paranoid?'

Isthatthebestyoucando · 07/02/2022 12:52

Yeah the secrets thing would piss me off. My Son has a whole side of his family who have been arss licking him with junk food and ott presents whilst telling him not to tell me from when he was old enough to talk.

It made him very confused and effected his relationship with me over the years. I hate them.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 12:52

It is creepy when adults express thoughts/ wishes to a baby in this way. I KNOW that I'm the parent and that eventually I won't be the only influence in their life but it is creepy to talk about doing it behind the parents back etc with an entirely vulnerable child.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 07/02/2022 12:53

@BlondeWidow

Said kindly - You are disturbingly paranoid.

Are you feeling down or depressed at all or anxious in any way? I'm just wondering if this could be an early sign of post natal depression. In which case it would be understandable. Otherwise it's ridiculous

Fuck off.
Lorw · 07/02/2022 12:54

I talk like this to my own baby 😂 when she’s screaming cause I’m not fast enough with her bottle I normally go ‘oh mummy’s horrid not doing your bottle fast enough ain’t she’ I’m just talking shit to her, she doesn’t understand, she’s only 6 weeks, I sit and talk to her all day 😁

I myself wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this but if you’re uncomfortable then talk to her, also she’s just excited about her grandchild, when you have children all the attention seems to be on them, I love taking baby to her GPs cause she gets showered with love the whole time, makes me proud as punch 😁

kiwiandcherries · 07/02/2022 12:54

You are not being unreasonable at all, it doesn't make it ok to talk negatively about a parent to a child and undermine you just because the child isn't old enough to understand!!!
"Joking" about keeping secrets from mummy isn't ok and what makes anyone think that this grandmother will suddenly start talking appropriately when the child begins to understand more?
I wouldn't be ok with this and it's better confronted sooner rather than later. You can be nice but firm about what isn't acceptable.

appleturnovers · 07/02/2022 12:57

This 100% word for word could be me and my mum... except the bit where you're annoyed about the way she talks to your baby. When my mum does it I just roll my eyes and assume she's trying to be cute and funny. It is a bit annoying sometimes the sheer volume of chocolate she gives her (my DD is now a toddler), but since we don't see her that often I don't make a fuss. And tbh they do have a lovely relationship that I'm very glad for.

And when she calls and I know she's not the slightest bit interested in me, she just wants to talk to DD, I'm just glad that at least we won't have an argument!

dworky · 07/02/2022 12:58

YANBU

appleturnovers · 07/02/2022 12:59

@Lorw

I talk like this to my own baby 😂 when she’s screaming cause I’m not fast enough with her bottle I normally go ‘oh mummy’s horrid not doing your bottle fast enough ain’t she’ I’m just talking shit to her, she doesn’t understand, she’s only 6 weeks, I sit and talk to her all day 😁

I myself wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this but if you’re uncomfortable then talk to her, also she’s just excited about her grandchild, when you have children all the attention seems to be on them, I love taking baby to her GPs cause she gets showered with love the whole time, makes me proud as punch 😁

Same. "Oh, mummy wouldn't let you draw on the table, what a naughty mummy!" To me it's just all a joke Grin
jpbee · 07/02/2022 12:59

My Mum did this to me when my daughter was younger - she is 3 now and it has worn off a bit, possibly because my Mum knows she might understand and start to think she is a neglected child.
Luckily I'm quite tolerant and like to pick my battles, so I let it slide.

Oddly enough I remember my Grandma did exactly the same to my Mum when I was a young child!

BeeDavis · 07/02/2022 13:08

I think you’re being unreasonable. What your mum is saying isn’t meant in the way you’re taking it. It’s just jokes that people say, my own mum is exactly the same there’s no hidden agenda with what she’s saying! My mum is always saying to my 4 month old “come live with your nana if mummy’s being mean” or whatever she’s just joking! I just reply saying take him! 😂😂 You’re way overthinking it

OogieBoogiePoinsettiaPlant · 07/02/2022 13:11

My mum has done and is doing similar sometimes. I find it irritating but I just smile and bear it. It's not worth the fall out for me.

The most annoying thing for me, though, is when she is saying things like ' oh, you are a handsome boy! You are going to break hearts and all the girls will be falling at your feet!'.

Yes, that's what I am dreaming of my son becoming, a player who walks all over women, breaking hearts and expecting women to fall over him as if he is God's gift to them. Hmm

Lolly49 · 07/02/2022 13:17

@Leighcloon

The way both my mother and MIL talked to my son when he was a baby was incredibly irritating my MIL in particular had this maddening habit of repeatedly clicking her fingers right a couple of inches from his face and saying 'They love that, babies' and when he would start to cry (as why wouldn't you, if someone was clicking their fingers an inch from your nose when you're still getting used to not being in the womb?), she would tut as though he was doing babyhood wrong.

I just breathed. Neither of them is ever going to change.

Oh no I had forgotten the finger clicking.My MIL did it constantly I think I told DH I was going to ban her from the house if she didn’t pack it in. My DD now 25 still have the in laws brilliant gps to both Dd and Ds but now the finger clicking horror is back .
Arabellla · 07/02/2022 13:18

I’ve heard pretty often that little children shouldn’t be involved in secrets, even for innocent things, as it leaves them open to grooming, from other people.

And the negative talk about you will become a habit.

I would address both ASAP.

alisoninwonderland · 07/02/2022 13:20

What??! I don't think you're being unreasonably touchy at all. Why would she say things like that? Of course it's hurtful. It's as if she's positioning herself between you and your baby. It's unnecessary and immature

Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 13:24

@Lolly49 -- what is it with the finger-clicking??? I'd forgotten until I wrote that post how irritating it was!!! What is it that they think they're doing? My MIL certainly can't really have been labouring under the delusion that baby DS actually liked it, because his responses were either vaguely irked or actual wailing. Not surprisingly.

In MIL's case, she certainly has only one way of relating to the world, and has no capacity for modifying her behaviour according to the requirements of the situation, whether with adults or children. (She finds me absolutely incomprehensible because I'm not interested in sport on TV, Weightwatchers or bingo, and after nearly 30 years, still appears to be surprised when I don't know who Chelsea just beat, or who won the snooker. )

bluelavender · 07/02/2022 14:04

"Isn't Mummy horrid"

That's just mean and I don't think at all that you are being oversensitive. It's an unkind thing for her to have said, and unnecessary.

Hopefully, she said it without thinking. Is this her first grandchild and has she been feeling insecure? What's your relationship like with your MIL? Could she be wanting to be the 'favourite' grandparent?

Goooglebox · 07/02/2022 14:09

They do this. I would just say no you won't be getting indigestion at grandma's if you want to be a regular visitor there and smile benignly. Don't sit and simmer. Why they do this when you're fragile and hold all the cards I'll never know.

AmyDudley · 07/02/2022 14:15

It wouldn't bother me that she talks to baby in this way (I mean it is irritating but harmless) except that she's using it to say horrible things, So I would pick her up on that 'please don't tell baby I am horrid, it's a mean thing to do' call her behaviour out and label it as mean/unkind/unpleasant so she gets the message.

I certainly wouldn't as a PP suggested do the same thing back. The idea of you and your mother using a baby to make passive aggressive comments to each other, like he is some kind of puppet, is awful.

Original poster
solbunny · 07/02/2022 14:41

@bluelavender

"Isn't Mummy horrid"

That's just mean and I don't think at all that you are being oversensitive. It's an unkind thing for her to have said, and unnecessary.

Hopefully, she said it without thinking. Is this her first grandchild and has she been feeling insecure? What's your relationship like with your MIL? Could she be wanting to be the 'favourite' grandparent?

Oh wow, bingo!!

It is her first grandchild. I don't know if she's feeling insecure, but one of the things we clash over is that she has always had a need to be "the most" of anything, and it crossed my mind that she has a desire to be my son's "favourite person". She likes to be the centre of attention at times. And when I was pregnant she did make comments about wanting to be the favourite grandmother but it was always joking around, nothing serious - my MIL is a dream and lives closer to me than my mum, so perhaps it runs a little deeper than I'd assumed.

Like I say in my OP, I know without a doubt she would do anything for me when it comes to it so I don't think she's engaging in deliberate psychological warfare lol but it hadn't occurred to me that it could stem from insecurity as she's usually such a confident person.

You've given me a lot to think about!

(And thanks to the posters who get what I mean about being called horrid, I'm glad that I'm justified and that others agree that it's not nice! But I'm equally grateful for the posters who think I'm being daft as I know I can be at times and I don't want to be overly harsh on my mum - though I must say I didn't quite expect to be called disturbingly paranoid, but that's mumsnet for you! Wink)

OP posts:
inheritancetrack · 07/02/2022 14:47

Just talk to her and say it's not helpful or acceptable. I suspect your frequent clashes are some kind of silly power struggle and you both need to grow up.