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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you're sure your partner has a crush on their female friend/colleague

101 replies

Pythia333 · 07/02/2022 06:41

What do you do?
Even if they don't want to cheat or do anything about it.
Would you just live with it?

I saw he drunk texted her at 2am.

Asking if she was free the next day (a day when we had plans which is weird)
He had also worked with her that evening.

She said no she wasn't and he replied 'Oh sorry I was just drunk when I messaged your

I tried to ask him, 'so have you heard from Emily this weekend?' he said, no not really, just had to text her once about work and that's it.

So he's lied.

It's wrong to read texts I know..i shouldn't have, but why text her that at 2am, i wouldn't drunk text male friends and colleagues.

Been together 2 years

OP posts:
MrsHGWells · 07/02/2022 11:08

Your OH sounds (mentally & physically) infatuated with the possibility being looked at by a younger women. Drunk texting is essentially unfiltered desire and whims - not the clear head rational -consequences and cover up deceit. 🚩

Velvian · 07/02/2022 11:10

Fancying a colleague is fine, acting on it in any way (like texting to make plans) is not fine.

hellobabyyy · 07/02/2022 11:39

@Pythia333

The thing is we literally just signed for a 12 month tenancy agreement on Saturday (the morning he was drunk texting her)
I would be getting out of this ASAP before I committed to living with him for 12 months. I managed to get out of one before but had to forfeit my deposit.
WTF475878237NC · 07/02/2022 16:13

I honestly feel the agency may have compassion if you say you need to leave him as you've just found out he's courting someone else! Get rid!

Original poster
Pythia333 · 07/02/2022 17:19

I confronted him today, he fully denied everything and said there's nothing there at all and I need to get it out of my mind, so I have to accept it and believe him now don't I

OP posts:
RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 07/02/2022 17:23

You don’t have to do anything of the sort.

But, by all means sweep it under the carpet.

See you on the next thread.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 07/02/2022 17:29

If you told your mum / best mate / whoever else you are close to, what would they think? Do you think they might suggest it's better not to be the kind of doormat who hangs around while old golden cock tries to find a new woman?

incognitoforthisone · 07/02/2022 17:35

To me, 'having a crush on someone at work' is basically thinking they're attractive and going a little bit giddy over them while at the same time knowing it's ridiculous and doing nothing about it. I think that's pretty normal and harmless.

Texting a colleague at 2am and asking her to meet him the next day is not 'having a crush' on them, it's asking them out at best and harassing them at worst.

Original poster
Pythia333 · 07/02/2022 17:46

Yes I can identify with that. I was at a bar once and an incredibly handsome security guard walked in, I felt a bit red, but that was it, I didn't pursue him in any way .

He has hung out with other staff one to one from work, one's a female, he's also hung out in a group with the staff, it's all a fairly young age group

OP posts:
Original poster
Pythia333 · 07/02/2022 17:46

The job involves him working with this woman, sometimes alone, and there's zero I can do about that

OP posts:
Seafog · 07/02/2022 18:05

You need to not be with him

You need to work on your own insecurities.

Don't keep him/take him back/look for changes in him as he is who he is, a liar and a creep

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 07/02/2022 18:05

There’s zero you can do about that, but there’s plenty you can do about your own self-worth and boundaries, like not putting up with some sub-standard man texting other women at 2 in the morning.

GabriellaMontez · 07/02/2022 18:10

Did you tell him you saw the text and ask him why he lied?

RealBecca · 07/02/2022 18:16

You're conflating the issues.

He wants to pursue her.
He lies to you.
He is clearly a pest to her (yuck)

Why waste 12 months?
Yeah the flat is a difficult issue but if you dont feel able to walk away now, then when? He will have ground you down and built your tolerance to his bullshit in a year.

Seriously, think about it. Dont be codependent.

Tell your rental company you want out, ask about fees and ask if they would consider subletting. They will be more accommodating than you think because none wants tenants to default or go through the cost or stress or evicting non paying tenants.

Dont make excuses for you accepting his shit.

RoseGoldEagle · 07/02/2022 18:16

Oh OP. I really feel for you, it’s so horrible to feel like this, and for him to have made you doubt these feelings and trying to make our you’re like his jealous ex is part of the manipulation. It doesn’t sound like this particular girl is reciprocating his advances, but the next one might. You deserve so so much better. Just think of being 10 years from now- in a relationship where you can’t trust him, possibly with kids at that point, and just miserable. Or picture a different life, with someone else who actually really appreciates and loves you, you will honestly look back and feel so glad you left.

Simpkins04 · 07/02/2022 18:21

Oh OP get some self respect, I can’t believe you’re tolerating this bullshit because of a tenancy agreement that you could probably get out of.

He’s going to cheat on you, he isn’t that in to you an issue chasing every other bit of skirt that walks past, you know this and yet are willing to accept it so best of luck as you’ll need it.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2022 18:22

Get the hell out of dodge. He’s actively trying to cheat on you, he just hasn’t found anyone daft enough to do it with.

Do you really want another year of this?

RealBecca · 07/02/2022 18:24

As another poster said, a lease isnt commitment. It's a sign he thinks he can pay half the rent and bills (assuming he does?) and carry on pursuing other women with no consequence.

ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 18:26

@Pythia333

I confronted him today, he fully denied everything and said there's nothing there at all and I need to get it out of my mind, so I have to accept it and believe him now don't I
Why do you have to accept it? Or anything about him that is making you question your wish to continue in a relationship with him?

If you took a size 6 shoe, but he told you that you need to get that out of your mind & wear a size 4, would you obey him just as unquestioningly?

He is making you uncomfortable, but you seem to think that his words & wishes override your own.
At least talk to the agency & find out what your options are before you commit to a 12 month tenancy with Mr DrunkText. I guarantee his flirtations will continue, & likely escalate, once he thinks he has you safely cohabiting & unable to afford to leave.

Anonymous48 · 07/02/2022 18:38

This whole relationship sounds shaky, but this part particularly struck me. He told you that you had shrunk? And he's comparing your height to another woman's? Are you both 12 years old?

It sounds like you both need to grow up.

Cas112 · 07/02/2022 18:42

Sorry but I would have questioned him by now. No one usually texts someone drunk at 2am for a nice normal platonic conversation

5128gap · 07/02/2022 19:16

At the moment your relationship isn't in your hands, it's in hers. If she's not interested he'll be faithful, if she is, he won't. You can keep your fingers crossed that she won't look at him twice, or you can leave him and take back control. I'm sorry OP, but please don't waste your precious time on him. There's so many men out there, you don't need this.

Goldandguns · 07/02/2022 19:33

It sounds as though he's done his magic and gaslit you to the point where you think "I just have to accept this." You have nothing tying you to him - no need to divorce or worrying about leaving with kids. The agency can surely cancel the tenancy agreement, it's only been a couple of days! Please leave him and bring your self esteem back, he's completely broken you down.

SartresSoul · 07/02/2022 19:36

He sounds like a cringeworthy desperate leach so I’d be out of the door. He’s clearly begging for her attention and she isn’t interested at all, it’s gross at the best of times but even worse when he’s in a relationship. Ditch him.

Suzi888 · 07/02/2022 19:38

Emily doesn’t sound interested.
I’d walk away, you’ll always wonder. There’s no trust anymore.