Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you're sure your partner has a crush on their female friend/colleague

101 replies

Pythia333 · 07/02/2022 06:41

What do you do?
Even if they don't want to cheat or do anything about it.
Would you just live with it?

I saw he drunk texted her at 2am.

Asking if she was free the next day (a day when we had plans which is weird)
He had also worked with her that evening.

She said no she wasn't and he replied 'Oh sorry I was just drunk when I messaged your

I tried to ask him, 'so have you heard from Emily this weekend?' he said, no not really, just had to text her once about work and that's it.

So he's lied.

It's wrong to read texts I know..i shouldn't have, but why text her that at 2am, i wouldn't drunk text male friends and colleagues.

Been together 2 years

OP posts:
Givemehopeee · 07/02/2022 08:01

DH had a crush on a colleague once, he kept mentioning her in conversation and she was a very attractive younger colleague. Whilst I felt slightly insecure, I would simply tease him about it.

But that’s because I knew he would never in a million years try anything with her, even when drunk. If he did, then it would be a very different story.

You need to speak to him about it, and see what he says, and then decide what to do from there.

SmallOrFarAway · 07/02/2022 08:03

Fgs get out of the tenancy now! Don't you think you are worth more than some dickhead who seems to be trying it on with other women? You'll forever be anxious over who he is texting now/the next colleague who comes along.

Mybestyear · 07/02/2022 08:05

Aww come on @Pythia333! How many people do you need coming on here to tell you this guy is bad news before you accept it? Why is your bar so low that you allow him to treat you in this disrespectful way? I guarantee if you don’t dump him, you will be back on here posting about how he’s cheated, left you up shit creak, what can you do etc. He is not completely invested in the relationship. He is behaving inappropriate with a colleague.

Either they are encouraging each other in which case it is likely to ramp up - or - he is harassing her and she could report him/ he could lose his job etc. Is this really the type of guy you want to be living with?

I really hope you will accept the advice on here and break up and find someone decent.

Beefcurtains79 · 07/02/2022 08:06

Perhaps his ex was jealous as she came to suspect that he was the office letch?

IdblowJonSnow · 07/02/2022 08:07

Leave. He won't change. Let him worry about the contract as he's fucked up.
My partner did this at tge start of our relationship.
Almost 20 years in he did this with another 'friend'. We have two kids and are getting divorced! Don't be me...

Mybestyear · 07/02/2022 08:07

*creek not creak

Wasitworthita · 07/02/2022 08:08

He keeps asking her out and texting her and she keeps saying no. This is not reciprocated. She might be feeling very awkward about it as well.

Rosieposie101 · 07/02/2022 08:12

If my partner drunk texted someone at 2AM attempting to arrange a meeting with them I'd be furious. This doesn't happen with innocent intentions. You are not overreacting.

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:21

Huuuuuge red flags OP. I think when we are drunk our true colours can come out, people say "I didn't mean it I was drunk" but there's a reason that he was thinking about her at 2am and chose to drunk text her over anyone else. Get out of your tenancy agreement and do a runner. Or confront him, but prepare for him to gaslight you, because "I didn't cheat so I haven't done anything wrong and you're just being jealous".

christmaskittenincoming · 07/02/2022 08:28

Seems this girl he keeps texting is clearly not interested in his pathetic behaviour. However there will be a next one who will happily enough get involved with an attached bloke...

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/02/2022 08:46

there have been one or two times when he compared me to [his Ex] and said 'dont be like her' which made me feel awful really

Can you really not see how fucking vile that is?

If I ever said ‘don’t be like him’ to DP about my ExH - which I wouldn’t - I’d have to REALLY be wanting to offend, insult and upset DP to a degree that indicated (a) the relationship was dead in the water anyway, and (b) I’d turned into an unpleasant arsehole.

ittakes2 · 07/02/2022 08:48

I am sorry I think you are trying to convince yourself it is OK and down playing things. The question is not what do you do if your partner has a crush - the question is what do you do if your partner is flirting and pursuing another woman.
People can't help their feelings - but they can help how they act on them. He is not only pursuing someone else, he is lying to you. And this poor woman might not want his advances and she now has a HR issues on her hands.

LiG123 · 07/02/2022 08:55

@Pythia333

He told me that his ex was very jealous and paranoid (red flag I know) But said things such as she didn't 'allow,' him to meet up with friends and that he had to send photos to 'prove' where he was.

I'm nothing like that, I don't agree with that behavior but there have been one or two times when he compared me to her and said 'dont be like her' which made me feel awful really.

It's sad as we get on so well and otherwise have a great relationship.

He said he always talks to people at work about me and he always invites me to work functions etc so it's just odd

This is manipulative you know that right?

He is a psycho

ChinstrapBobblehat · 07/02/2022 08:57

Regardless of what he may say or you may tell yourself, this is only going one way - if he’s this interested in other women after two years, he doesn’t see a future with you (or at the very least, he doesn’t see a monogamous, mutually respectful future with you).

In your shoes I’d preempt the inevitable and get out. It’ll hurt, emotionally and financially, but at least you’ll have taken back control rather than just sitting there waiting for him to dick you over. Which he will.

MsTSwift · 07/02/2022 09:04

From my reading of it he’s basically asking other people out! Think I would take the hint!

Electriq · 07/02/2022 10:05

Honestly sounds like he might be harrassing the woman, she's always turning him down but he keeps messaging her.

CanofCant · 07/02/2022 10:19

The only reason he hasn't cheated (as far as you know) is that no one has said yes yet. Not from his lack of trying though. Get rid of him, it won't improve and the whole situation will continue to grind you down and erode your confidence making you more likely to end up with another dick like him.

I'm sure you could solve the tenancy dilemma if you tried.

DropYourSword · 07/02/2022 10:29

@Pythia333

Initially I was annoyed because she always calls him this cutesy name by text (not a common name which everyone calls him) but it doesn't seem like she ever tried to meet up of her own Accord
I was wondering whether you were a previous poster who has already posted a number of threads about their BF and a colleague. I think you might be. I'm curious, if you're the same artist with the BF who works in a restaurant, what you are expecting out of this thread that you didn't get out of previous ones!!? If you're not the same poster, my apologies!
ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 10:49

@Pythia333

Oh this isn't the first example sadly..

I've posted on here before (about different friends and exes of his) and been confirmed what I was thinking..

He's not going to stop lusting after OW just because you signed a lease together. I get that you probably took the cohabiting as a sign of commitment but unfortunately it seems the commitment is a one-way street.

If that's a dealbreaker for you, get rid of him, & get a lodger instead to help you pay the rent on the flat for 12 months.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 07/02/2022 10:49

Most rentals (in my area anyway) have a lot of interest at the moment. I'd be calling the agent and asking if there's anyway of backing out of the tenancy, even if it means paying some fees for them to do reference checks on another applicant. It's worth an ask. The worst they're going to say is no, you can't withdraw.

Goooglebox · 07/02/2022 10:50

He sounds like someone who would cheat and lot

Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 10:54

🚩🚩🚩

Goooglebox · 07/02/2022 10:56

Lie

ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 10:57

@Pythia333

Honestly if we weren't just gonna have to live together for another 12 bloody months I'd feel like walking right now
When you've finally extricated yourself from this relationship - please raise your bar.

You've described so many red flags, knew they were red flags, but persevered with this man anyway. Why would you do that? Why would you accept so little for yourself?

He told me to fuck off and said 'I don't want any jealousy.'
And you took that? And stayed around for more?

I think you would do better focused on yourself for the next 12 months than losing any sleep over your man. As above - get rid of him, get a lodger, & get working on yourself.
Counselling would help you explore what early life experiences led you to have such low self-esteem that you'd actively plan to move in with a man who tells you to fuck off, & that the jealousy he causes by his incessant need to have a flirtation on the go is your fault for feeling it, not his fault for engendering it.

Feelingkindofweary · 07/02/2022 11:04

Please leave this guy ASAP and know that you have supportive people and wise words here. Please look after and value yourself, you are worth so much more than this, please please don’t accept this behaviour. You deserve respect and loyalty in all forms and this guy doesn’t seem to be giving you any of this.