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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband playing in pub while 9yo daughter under care of someone I don't know

55 replies

WonderMum2 · 06/02/2022 18:30

Hi, I'm really uncomfortable about something that just happening and not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I work on a Sunday and knew that my husband was going to a folk session in a local pub this afternoon, and taking my 9 year old daughter with him. She was going to do colouring with another girl that was going there. He said they'd be back by 5pm. I get home and start cooking tea. My DD calls to let me know she's actually gone back to this other girl's house, with their mum, while her dad and my husband are left playing in the pub. I don't know this woman / family but my husband met them recently at a kids event at a local library. The mum was there and said hi etc and offered to give my DD tea. She still has homework to do and said that it might be better to come home once husband arrives to collect her. I phone husband and he's still playing in the pub, said he'd be home with DD by 7pm. Seemed unconcerned that our DD in someone else's home on her own. I feel flabbergasted by his stupidity but just want to check whether I'm over-reacting?!

OP posts:
AFS1 · 06/02/2022 18:34

I’d be furious, if I were you. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.

superram · 06/02/2022 18:37

If your daughter was happy it’s a non issue. He knows her, as much as you know the parents of any kids your kids go to school with.

LtGreggs · 06/02/2022 18:38

I think this is OK if your DD is happy with it. You have the other parent's phone number and have spoken to them? And your DH spoke to both parents before she went? It's no different to a play date with a new friend from school.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 06/02/2022 18:42

Do you think she would be better in the pub surrounded by goodness knows who with your husband distracted?

You dh has met, and feels comfortable with this woman, he shouldn't have to run every decision past you first.

Your dd has a phone and is happy enough. Its a non issue.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/02/2022 18:44

Had you met a new mum friend and her DD at a library event, would you have been happy for DD to have a play date with them? If so, surely he can also be trusted to take the same decision? If not, sounds like you need to discuss and align your comfort zones about what circumstances a play date is allowed in and whether you each need to ask the other’s permission.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/02/2022 18:44

I’d be furious ! Sorry but no, don’t know you why would I leave my child in your care!!

itsgettingweird · 06/02/2022 18:44

Do you allow your dd to go to school friends houses with laments you've just met in the playground?

If so why do you make this judgement but don't think your dh can?

KrisAkabusi · 06/02/2022 18:46

It doesn't really sound different to an arranged play-date to me. Your daughter is happy. She seems to have her own phone, so can call you if there's a problem.

Smartiepants79 · 06/02/2022 18:48

It’s isn’t really any different to sending her home for tea with a new friends from school. It’s very kind of the lady.

Hugasauras · 06/02/2022 18:48

Does your husband know the parents of every child your DD goes to the home of? If not, presumably he trusts your judgement. It sounds like it was an already arranged thing that has just extended into her going round for dinner.

Original poster
WonderMum2 · 06/02/2022 18:49

Hi, just to clarify I didn't have the other parents phone numbers - I just said hi to them on my daughter's phone while she was phoning me to tell me where she was. I've not met either of the other's parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderMum2 · 06/02/2022 18:50

With parents from my kids school, I see them everyday at drop off and pickup and form a kind of friendship/acquaintance. This family is new to the area and they home school their child.

OP posts:
saraclara · 06/02/2022 18:51

@Smartiepants79

It’s isn’t really any different to sending her home for tea with a new friends from school. It’s very kind of the lady.
That. Presumably your child goes to play dates with classmates whose parents your DH doesn't know.

He's an equal parent with you. He knows this woman, he knows her child. So if you would let your DD go to the home of a child and mum you know, then so can he.

kateg27 · 06/02/2022 18:51

I'm a separated parent. But I trust my ex partner and if he thinks somebody is ok to leave the children with then that's ok with me. Why don't you trust your husbands judgement?

Original poster
WonderMum2 · 06/02/2022 18:53

I wouldn't allow them to go on a playdate without me being their for the first time, and I'd expect another parent to understand this. But I appreciate your comments about comfort zones and it is something that I need to address with my husband. I would have been more comfortable if he had at least called me to let me know the change to the plans etc, just out of courtesy (although I would still feel cross with him :-) ).

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 06/02/2022 18:58

I wouldn't have an issue with this as long as dough was happy. She will likely have had a far better afternoon.

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/02/2022 18:59

Daughter not dough

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/02/2022 19:00

I wouldn't allow them to go on a playdate without me being their for the first time

At age 9? That would be really weird where I live

SNUG2022 · 06/02/2022 19:04

Does your husband even have the address? It's not something I would do, so wouldn't expect dh to. It's the whole being late home as well when there's still all the dinner, shower, bedtime stuff to do.

Pembertonrd · 06/02/2022 19:06

You think your dh is stupid for making a reasonable parenting decision?
Does your dh question your parenting?
Surely your dd is safer in a family home rather than hanging round in a pub where he can’t watch her properly. Your dh presumably knows the girls df.
I would check the circumstances before making hasty comments.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 19:09

I wouldn't allow them to go on a playdate without me being their for the first time

This isn’t normal in the UK.

Your DH knows this couple and the wife thought the girls would have more fun at home than being in the pub.
I don’t see an issue tbh.

CrinklyCraggy · 06/02/2022 19:11

DH knows both the parents, that's more than yiu do for most families where a child goes to tea, I'd thinknit preferable to DD being unsupervised in a pub tbh (although that's also fine occasionally).

I'd be annoyed that there was still homework to do on Sunday evening.

CrinklyCraggy · 06/02/2022 19:12

@WonderMum2

I wouldn't allow them to go on a playdate without me being their for the first time, and I'd expect another parent to understand this. But I appreciate your comments about comfort zones and it is something that I need to address with my husband. I would have been more comfortable if he had at least called me to let me know the change to the plans etc, just out of courtesy (although I would still feel cross with him :-) ).
You'd go on a first "playdate" with your 9yo ?
gogohm · 06/02/2022 19:16

At 9 mins went to play dates and parties at houses I didn't know. And they also went to friends of their fathers I didn't know, yabu

saraclara · 06/02/2022 19:16

If you insist on accompanying your 9 year old child on a play date, you'll be setting them up for mockery.

Sorry, but you're being unreasonable.