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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband playing in pub while 9yo daughter under care of someone I don't know

55 replies

WonderMum2 · 06/02/2022 18:30

Hi, I'm really uncomfortable about something that just happening and not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I work on a Sunday and knew that my husband was going to a folk session in a local pub this afternoon, and taking my 9 year old daughter with him. She was going to do colouring with another girl that was going there. He said they'd be back by 5pm. I get home and start cooking tea. My DD calls to let me know she's actually gone back to this other girl's house, with their mum, while her dad and my husband are left playing in the pub. I don't know this woman / family but my husband met them recently at a kids event at a local library. The mum was there and said hi etc and offered to give my DD tea. She still has homework to do and said that it might be better to come home once husband arrives to collect her. I phone husband and he's still playing in the pub, said he'd be home with DD by 7pm. Seemed unconcerned that our DD in someone else's home on her own. I feel flabbergasted by his stupidity but just want to check whether I'm over-reacting?!

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 06/02/2022 19:16

I think you need to rethink your own anxieties around play dates being supervised by you the first time.

Aged 9 she's heading towards upper junior school. They start to walk home alone, play out and go into neighbours houses and in a couple of years are at secondary school.

Best off focussing on teaching your dd on how to keep safe. What to do if she feels uncomfortable etc.

As hard as it is we can't hold their hands forever

sadpapercourtesan · 06/02/2022 19:17

I think your husband has as much right to make judgement calls about who is a trusted adult as you do. If the other girl was also at the folk session, perhaps he's got to know the family a bit better than you think? Is one of the parents a musician?

I wouldn't get exercised about this. She was with someone her father had deemed safe. She is 9, not 4 and was contactable by phone. Your DH was also contactable - he's playing in a music session, not getting shitfaced. It sounds fine.

HappyDays40 · 06/02/2022 19:18

If you decided to let your daughter go on a play date with a friend would your husband be "furious " probably not so why is this different? He hasn't sent her off with a complete stranger.

saraclara · 06/02/2022 19:18

I would have been more comfortable if he had at least called me to let me know the change to the plans etc, just out of courtesy (although I would still feel cross with him

Do you inform him every time you make a minor decision about your daughter and her not present?

saraclara · 06/02/2022 19:18

And HE'S not present

HappyDays40 · 06/02/2022 19:19

Sorry flabbergasted nit furious!

SD1978 · 06/02/2022 19:21

At 9 I wouldn't expect to attend a play date with a new friend of my daughters, your husband has met and likes the family, and they have offered to have your daughter round. Are you more miffed he made the decision without you being the deciding vote, or about the fact they went? I'd rather the kids were ina home than running around barely supervised in a pub, if it was me.

Bagelsandbrie · 06/02/2022 19:21

@kateg27

I'm a separated parent. But I trust my ex partner and if he thinks somebody is ok to leave the children with then that's ok with me. Why don't you trust your husbands judgement?

This.

Kite22 · 06/02/2022 19:22

I would have been more comfortable if he had at least called me to let me know the change to the plans etc, just out of courtesy

No you wouldn't. It would have just given you more hours to fret.

I was also going to ask this Do you inform him every time you make a minor decision about your daughter and her not present?

I also agree with everyone else - it would be really weird to try to go to someone's house when your dd was invited to play. I suspect she wouldn't get invitations if you tried to do that.

SD1978 · 06/02/2022 19:23

Also, are you from somewhere other than the UK, where it would be more 'normal' to attend a play date with a 9 year old? As this isn't the case in the UK.

Lampshading · 06/02/2022 19:25

Is he the father of the child?

crossbow28 · 06/02/2022 19:25

I think you should be more concerned about not trusting your husband enough to make these sorts of decision. He's equally her parent, he does not need to run everything by you or seek your permission.

How would you feel if he was angry at you for letting DD go to a friends house just because he had not met them and he wasn't informed before hand? I think you'd have quite a different response to what you're expecting of him.

Heytheredemons · 06/02/2022 19:25

Although she may be some random to you, she isn't to your husband. She is no different from the parent of a child at school. Your daughter is technically at another child's house, with another child and the mother, if I understand your OP correctly, and your husband is participating in a hobby with the father of this child. How dodgy and stupid do you think they are if the father has stayed behind with your husband rather than both of them absconding with your child? It would be a bit of a daft ruse to concoct to leave the partner of the woman with your husband if their plan was to do anything untoward to your daughter.

Tillymintpolo · 06/02/2022 19:28

You’re over reacting

Bizawit · 06/02/2022 19:29

I think you are overreacting and being a little over protective. It sounds like a reasonable circumstance in which to organise a first play date for a 9 year old. As long as your DD is happy, I think it’s totally fine.

blyn72 · 06/02/2022 19:30

If your husband was happy about it, I don't think there is anything to be concerned about. I have never heard of anyone accompanying their child to a play date either.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/02/2022 19:36

Better than her coming back singing 'For a dill doul, dil doul, dil doul doul, (quoth she) I'm undone'.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 19:40

So if your child gets invited to someone's house for tea, they can't go unless you attend with them the first time? At 9 years old?

And even then spending 2 hours or so with someone, doesn't mean you actually know them well. Are you wanting to check out their houses?

If you don't trust him to be a parent and make parenting decisions, then you have much bigger issues. But it sounds like you are over protective.

user1471598758 · 06/02/2022 19:42

Going to the girls house wouldn’t be an issue for me, I’d trust my partners judgement of the parents.
What would probably piss me off was the last minute changing of plans if I was at home cooking a dinner which now wasn’t going to be eaten. And in my opinion 7pm is too late on a Sunday eve when there’s homework still to do and baths and stuff ready for school the next day.
But I’d calm myself down by getting my pjs on and getting into bed with a book, and then when they got home informing husband that he was responsible for supervising homework and bathing and any other organizing that needed doing. His fault for being late, your within your rights to clock off imo!

HappyDays40 · 06/02/2022 19:46

I invite sons friends back after school. I would be a little irked if their mum trotted along to my house too. They arev5!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 06/02/2022 19:46

So basically only you get to decide who is suitable to look after your daughter then

Your husband knows these people

Pigeonsdontliketrucks · 06/02/2022 19:49

As someone who is regularly flabbergasted by her own husband’s stupidity I know that I’m sometimes over protective as his judgement can be very off. In hindsight I can often see that I’ve been over critical and worried unnecessarily. I think this would be one of those times.
Perhaps your husband is like mine, OP, in which case I understand and sympathise, but I think you might be overreacting a tad. If your daughter were 5, sure, but 9? It’s ok.

yourestandingonmyneck · 06/02/2022 19:49

I would chat things through with your husband, as depending upon his level of sense generally I guess this had the potential to go badly (ie presumably he would never let her go with a man - I would be checking this).

But in this particular scenario, they sound like a nice family, and could be a good friend for your daughter.

I would invite the other little girl around soon.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2022 20:35

He barely knows these people and his decision making was based on laziness and on what was convenient for him, with little or no regard for the welfare of his own child.

If he knew you were at work and still wanted to get to his trad session, he should have booked an actual babysitter for DD, not left her care completely to chance.

Your DD was a handy play date for this child of his music acquaintance who has no local friends since she is home schooled and has only recently moved to the area. Never mind that she has homework still to do.

I would tell him off for his laziness and lackadaisical attitude. His job is to find appropriate childcare for DD if he chooses to do his music while she's in his care, not to palm her off on someone who happens to be in the pub.

saraclara · 06/02/2022 20:44

He barely knows these people and his decision making was based on laziness and on what was convenient for him, with little or no regard for the welfare of his own child.

I'd say the opposite. He knew it would be nicer for DD to play at this girl's house than sit in the pub

If he knew you were at work and still wanted to get to his trad session, he should have booked an actual babysitter for DD, not left her care completely to chance.

OP agreed to him taking DD to the pub with him

His job is to find appropriate childcare for DD if he chooses to do his music while she's in his care, not to palm her off on someone who happens to be in the pub.

He didn't 'palm her off', the girl's mum offered a play date, and he accepted since it was clear it would be more fun (and probably more appropriate) for DD

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