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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit annoyed with my brother?

62 replies

SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 17:51

My dad and my daughter have birthdays within 2 days of one another and we always meet for lunch as a family. It’s the first time we all get together after Christmas (we live a long way apart from one another). I hadn’t spoken to my parents but assumed we’d be meeting either weekend of the birthdays or the following one so kept both free.

My daughter will do something with her friends but she’s 17 and she won’t care if it’s the weekend of her birthday or the one after. Because of ill health, my parents can’t travel far which means we will go to them which is a 5-6 hour round trip. We can do it in a day but it’s not much fun spending hours on the M25 and so I’d like to keep the family lunch and the thing with DD’s mates on separate weekends.

My mum has just been in touch to suggest we meet 2 weeks after their birthday weekend but I can’t make that as I have plans. So then it’s the week after that which will be 3 weeks after their birthday and into the Easter holidays.

It turns out we meet on the weekends closest to the birthdays because my little brother has decided to go skiing that week.

AIBU to suggest we should just meet the weekend after their birthdays like we have done for the last 17 years without him? It’s not like my dad’s birthday is a moving feast. Hmm

In case you hadn’t guessed, my brother is the golden child.

OP posts:
Marmm · 06/02/2022 17:54

Is it your brother insisting you wait for him? If not then it's not really fair to be annoyed at him for going away.

Giraffesandbottoms · 06/02/2022 17:56

Of course just do it without him

TheChip · 06/02/2022 17:57

Is it your parents who don't want to do it without him, or is it him?

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 17:58

Has he insisted that it is moved or your parent suggestion?

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 18:00

YABU to be “annoyed with your brother”

YANBU to say “we can meet up these 2 weekends but not these other weekends”

Then your parents can just see you all separately if they want.

Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 18:02

Hmm good point. I don't know if my brother is insisting we wait.

But my parents have a really big thing about 'getting the whole family together' which he knows. So I just can't fathom why he decided to book his holiday then (he's not going with friends and could literally go any time).

Maybe I should be annoyed with my parents!

OP posts:
Owlfrog · 06/02/2022 18:03

It sounds like this 'birthday' weekend is more about getting everyone together than it is about birthdays (in a good way).

Either you can make the new date or you can't, but I don't think your parents ABU for wanting to find a date that works for everyone they are looking forward to seeing.

fourandnomore · 06/02/2022 18:04

Nothing wrong with your dad wanting his son aswell as his daughter at HIS birthday but he doesn’t need to be there for your daughter’s birthday so perhaps it can be separate this year? If I had a chance to go skiing I’d take it too so I can understand why he’s going!

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 18:05

Yabu. You didn't arrange anything but kept 2 weekends free. If you wanted it at a certain time, you should have arranged something.

A holiday is rarely a solo event, so I guess he would have needed to arrange with other people, work etc.

I really don't get the 'we do it like this so everyone has to fall in line with it'

Most adults really don't care if their birthday is celebrated a bit before of a bit after. Suggest another weekend or going ahead without him.

But I don't think you should be annoyed with him.

Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 18:05

@fourandnomore

Nothing wrong with your dad wanting his son aswell as his daughter at HIS birthday but he doesn’t need to be there for your daughter’s birthday so perhaps it can be separate this year? If I had a chance to go skiing I’d take it too so I can understand why he’s going!
Their birthdays are on consecutive days. He has booked his holiday to start the day before my dad's birthday
OP posts:
namechangerqwerty · 06/02/2022 18:06

I can't see why your brother shouldn't be able to plan a holiday for when it suits him. Are they milestone birthdays? If not then it seems a bit much to expect everyone to hold all plans (without a prior request to keep the date free). Just go ahead without him this year if that's what works for the majority.

Shitandhills · 06/02/2022 18:06

How old are you all? Genuine question? Is brother a bit young and thoughtless? How come he's going skiing on his own, that's a bit odd, no?

Marmm · 06/02/2022 18:07

Maybe your brother is fed up with it and deliberately booked that weekend hoping to get out of it?

Awrite · 06/02/2022 18:08

I don't think someone should refrain from booking a holiday for a birthday lunch.

Did your brother choose to be the golden child?

Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 18:09

@namechangerqwerty

I can't see why your brother shouldn't be able to plan a holiday for when it suits him. Are they milestone birthdays? If not then it seems a bit much to expect everyone to hold all plans (without a prior request to keep the date free). Just go ahead without him this year if that's what works for the majority.
I absolutely think we should! He's chosen to go away over his family's birthdays which is fine with me - it's entirely his prerogative.

It's my mum who is insisting we wait until we get back. I don't think we should. I think we should celebrate their birthdays on their birthdays and my brother can go and see them another time (my DD couldn't give a toss if her uncle were there or not).

OP posts:
AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 18:20

He hasn't chosen anything over anyone's birthdays.

You are making this way bigger than it needs to be. That weekend is out because your mum and dad, want it to be when he is there. So arrange it another.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 18:24

YABU it’s your dads birthday and I assume he wants his son there just as much as his daughter.

As the birthday meal is flexible then your brother probably didn’t think it would be a big deal booking a holiday near then especially if he found a good deal.

Macaroni46 · 06/02/2022 18:28

I think YABU. It obviously matters to your DP to get the family all together and whereas in previous years, your DD and dad's birthdays have provided the excuse for this, this year the dates don't work. So just have the get together when your DM suggests. Sounds like a lot of fuss about nothing!

Chilesstanton · 06/02/2022 18:35

Why is it okay for you to have plans but not him

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 18:51

There are 2 birthday people - your dad and your daughter.

Your daughter doesn’t care when you celebrate her birthday with family, or who is there.

Your dad doesn’t care when you celebrate his birthday, but wants your brother there.

Therefore you do it in the Easter holidays.

When you want to do it is irrelevant, surely? As you’re not the birthday person.

Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 18:57

Seems very weird to celebrate a birthday when it's nowhere near the birthday date. And no my daughter won't mind if it's on the day and is bemused and a bit hurt that her family birthday celebrations are being organised around her uncle's holiday.

But there we are. I expect nothing less from AIBU than a good kicking Grin

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 06/02/2022 18:58

YABU.

Your brother is entitled to go on holiday whenever he likes.

Your dad is entitled to want to have a celebration with both of his children there.

You are not entitled to dictate what everyone can do and when. Everyone is happy with the rearranged date apart from you. Why do your wishes trump everyone else's? It's not your birthday!

You've basically got the hump because you're not getting your own way! Cancel your plans on the 2nd week after birthdays if the currently suggested one isn't acceptable to you.

Kite22 · 06/02/2022 18:59

It does sound as if the birthdays are the hook to hang a "whole family get together" on, which, as dc grow up does start to get more difficult.

If you were 'keeping 2 weekends free' , then it probably would have been wise, in hindsight to have had that conversation in the family whatsapp - "DF and dd's birthdays being mid week, which day are we doing the lunch this year?" would have put it on everyone's calendar and then up to DB if the particular holiday he was looking at was worth moving to another date, or if he felt you could all cope without him this year.

Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 19:00

@mrsm43s

YABU.

Your brother is entitled to go on holiday whenever he likes.

Your dad is entitled to want to have a celebration with both of his children there.

You are not entitled to dictate what everyone can do and when. Everyone is happy with the rearranged date apart from you. Why do your wishes trump everyone else's? It's not your birthday!

You've basically got the hump because you're not getting your own way! Cancel your plans on the 2nd week after birthdays if the currently suggested one isn't acceptable to you.

Nope, my daughter is not happy with the rearranged date. And it's her birthday
OP posts:
Original poster
SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 19:01

@Kite22

It does sound as if the birthdays are the hook to hang a "whole family get together" on, which, as dc grow up does start to get more difficult.

If you were 'keeping 2 weekends free' , then it probably would have been wise, in hindsight to have had that conversation in the family whatsapp - "DF and dd's birthdays being mid week, which day are we doing the lunch this year?" would have put it on everyone's calendar and then up to DB if the particular holiday he was looking at was worth moving to another date, or if he felt you could all cope without him this year.

We do it on the weekend of their birthday or the weekend after every single year. And have done for years. Probably even before my daughter was born.

Isn't it normal to celebrate a birthday on or near the actual day? Confused

OP posts: