Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit annoyed with my brother?

62 replies

SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 17:51

My dad and my daughter have birthdays within 2 days of one another and we always meet for lunch as a family. It’s the first time we all get together after Christmas (we live a long way apart from one another). I hadn’t spoken to my parents but assumed we’d be meeting either weekend of the birthdays or the following one so kept both free.

My daughter will do something with her friends but she’s 17 and she won’t care if it’s the weekend of her birthday or the one after. Because of ill health, my parents can’t travel far which means we will go to them which is a 5-6 hour round trip. We can do it in a day but it’s not much fun spending hours on the M25 and so I’d like to keep the family lunch and the thing with DD’s mates on separate weekends.

My mum has just been in touch to suggest we meet 2 weeks after their birthday weekend but I can’t make that as I have plans. So then it’s the week after that which will be 3 weeks after their birthday and into the Easter holidays.

It turns out we meet on the weekends closest to the birthdays because my little brother has decided to go skiing that week.

AIBU to suggest we should just meet the weekend after their birthdays like we have done for the last 17 years without him? It’s not like my dad’s birthday is a moving feast.

In case you hadn’t guessed, my brother is the golden child.

OP posts:

DockOTheBay · 06/02/2022 19:03

Do both? Celebrate with them on their actual birthdays without your brother, and then have another joint celebration a few weeks later with him there.

DollyPartBaked · 06/02/2022 19:03

YABU - bizarre that you expect other adult family members to keep weekends 'free' for their niece's/parents birthday.

Nobody has an issue with but you.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 19:06

It's my mum who is insisting we wait until we get back. I don't think we should. I think we should celebrate their birthdays on their birthdays and my brother can go and see them another time (my DD couldn't give a toss if her uncle were there or not). I absolutely agree with you. Or celebrate DDs then and dad can celebrate another time if he really must.

GiantSpider · 06/02/2022 19:06

YANBU to suggest meeting on the original date without him.

But I think YABU to expect him to have kept the weekends free if a date hadn't been fixed. If I was your brother and I looked in my diary and it was clear I'd happily arrange to go skiing and assume that a family birthday celebration would already have been mentioned.

mrsm43s · 06/02/2022 19:06

Nope, my daughter is not happy with the rearranged date. And it's her birthday

Well plan something else (in addition to the other party she has planned with her friends) for her on that weekend then, if she must celebrate on that day.

If she really values a specific day (despite you saying in your OP that she didn't mind what day) over having her uncle there, and making her grandparents happy, then something has gone with her upbringing. Let's be honest, with a 17 year old the family get together is hardly the "main event" for her birthday is it!

billy1966 · 06/02/2022 19:09

Tell your mother the dates that suit you, as per normal and if she insists its one that doesn't suit you just leave it go for this year.

Your brother isn't pushed to be there so stick to the usual plan or don't bother at all.

AlexaShutUp · 06/02/2022 19:11

In the nicest possible way, you need to tell your dd to get over herself a bit. She is 17 and old enough to understand now that not everything revolves around her.

A birthday is just a date. It doesn't matter when you celebrate it, surely the important part is getting everyone together. And as you can't do that on the weekends that you had originally had in mind (but not communicated to anyone else about), then just do it a couple of weekends later.

What's the big deal?

Kite22 · 06/02/2022 19:16

Isn't it normal to celebrate a birthday on or near the actual day?

Well, not for everyone, no.
In my family we have people who have birthdys at times when it is difficult to get people together, so we sort out a weekend when we can see each other.

As that is the point of this meal.
Your dd is celebrating her birthday at the time - you said she is doing so with friends, as is normal at that sort of age. This is traveling 2.5 hours each way to meet up with Grandparents, and Uncle, so it seems to make sense to do it when all the people can get there..

W ed o it on the weekend of their birthday or the weekend after every single year.

But you are still expecting everyone to keep 4 days 'free' rather than just settling on one day.

saraclara · 06/02/2022 19:26

You do something else for your DD's birthday. Surely meeting up with her GPs isn't the only kind of celebration she will accept? You've already said that she doesn't care if her uncle's there, so surely the family thing isn't a big deal for her?

GiltEdges · 06/02/2022 19:28

Sounds like a bit of a rigid schedule to me, year in year out. Evidently too rigid for your brother, who (probably deliberately) opted himself out by booking his holiday at the same time this year.

Why not plan to do something special for your DD at home this year and see your parents separately on the date that they’ve proposed? Just because their birthdays are a day apart doesn’t mean your DD and your Ddad need to share a birthday celebration every year.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 19:30

Isn't it normal to celebrate a birthday on or near the actual day?

Of course it is. Its also normal to move a bit further away, to accommodate other people too.

Sedai · 06/02/2022 19:34

I don't get why its OK for you not to do a weekend because you have plans, but its not OK for your brother to go skiing? It sounds like your parents want all the family together and that sounds lovely. I get your daughter is maybe a bit miffed its her birthday, but you did say in your OP she's not fussed if she does something before or after it did you not?

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 19:58

Surely you just need to.do.two separate things. A birthday celebration for your daughter and dad, and then later a see all.the family event.

Or just delay.

Is a 17 year old really that bothered about seeing her grandparents near her birthday?

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 20:00

Isn't it normal to celebrate a birthday on or near the actual day?

So why don’t you cancel your plans and do it on that weekend instead?

Original poster

SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 20:11

@WonderfulYou

Isn't it normal to celebrate a birthday on or near the actual day?

So why don’t you cancel your plans and do it on that weekend instead?

Because it's my daughter's birthday and she and my dad are both free at the moment on the birthday weekend and the following one.

This thread has been very helpful, thank you. My daughter wants to see her family on/near her birthday. So I will see if my parents are happy to do that and ask if my other siblings and their families are free too. My brother can go and see my dad when he's back from his holiday.

OP posts:

1FootInTheRave · 06/02/2022 20:16

Your daughter is old enough to know the world doesn't revolve around her birthday.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 20:27

Because it's my daughter's birthday and she and my dad are both free at the moment on the birthday weekend and the following one.

So go for a meal to celebrate your daughters on that weekend and then have another meal with your brother when he’s back for your dads birthday.

It would be nice to celebrate both birthdays separately anyway as then it will be more special.

mrsm43s · 06/02/2022 20:35

So I will see if my parents are happy to do that and ask if my other siblings and their families are free too. My brother can go and see my dad when he's back from his holiday.

So deliberately exclude your brother from the family get together, rather than pick a date that you can all make.

Very spiteful, and what an awful role model you are to your DD.

How about, more reasonably, you and your DD visit your parents on the weekend near her birthday, and leave the family meet up for the day (just a couple of weeks later) that everybody, including you and your brother, can make. Is it really so difficult to accept that you don't get to dictate the date and need to compromise just this ONCE in 17 years...

Owlfrog · 06/02/2022 20:41

The real issue here is your resentment of the brother you perceive as the golden boy OP.

weaseleyes · 06/02/2022 20:48

@Marmm

Maybe your brother is fed up with it and deliberately booked that weekend hoping to get out of it?

This!

Original poster

SkiBumOne · 06/02/2022 20:58

@mrsm43s

So I will see if my parents are happy to do that and ask if my other siblings and their families are free too. My brother can go and see my dad when he's back from his holiday.

So deliberately exclude your brother from the family get together, rather than pick a date that you can all make.

Very spiteful, and what an awful role model you are to your DD.

I'm not deliberately excluding him. He booked a holiday when it's his dad's birthday. Why should we all plan the celebrations around him?

So we'll go and have a family thing when we normally do

Incidentally if I'd posted as my brother, I can absolutely guarantee I would have have my arse handed to me. This place never fails to disappoint

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 21:19

OP - AIBU?
MN - yes
OP - no I’m not.

Honestly OP you seem to be the only one with an issue about your brother going on holiday.
Your parents seem fine rearranging as they know that people have their own lives and it doesn’t have to be on the actual day.

You seem to be very angry at your brother and obviously without a backstory it’s hard to know why but I would just let this one go.

mrsm43s · 06/02/2022 21:19

*I'm not deliberately excluding him. He booked a holiday when it's his dad's birthday.
Why should we all plan the celebrations around him? *

You are deliberately excluding him.

There is no reason why you and your DD can't visit your DF on their birthdays if that is so important to you.

But the whole family meetup should be planned at a time that the whole family can make, that is the most important thing. The date that everyone can make for the whole family meet up is just a couple of weeks after your Dad's birthday. No big deal. But you want to arrange a family meet up on a day that you specifically know he cannot make, rather than move it two weeks, meaning that you are deliberately excluding him . Spiteful. Luckily, it seems your parents want your DB to be there and won't let you exclude him in this way.

You have had 17 years of having it on your preferred date. Just once, let someone else choose the date.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 21:30

Look, OP.

Your brother’s not unreasonable to go on holiday when he chooses if nothing is in the diary.

The rest of you aren’t unreasonable to have a get-together he can’t make, because he’s on a pre-booked holiday.

Your parents wouldn’t be unreasonable to say ‘Let’s do the joint birthday meal a few weeks later’.

I can’t honestly believe a 17 year old would have the hump about that.

Stop being cross with your brother via your parents on your daughter’s behalf.
None of them give as much of a shit as you do, I guarantee it.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 21:39

I wonder if the brother is fed of bring labelled the golden child or selfish etc everytime he doesn't fall in with Ops prefered plans.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread