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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should leave the puppy at home?

67 replies

RishiRich · 06/02/2022 17:46

ExH and I have been divorced for years but have 2 DC together. He has them two days a month, pays no CM and contact is shaky at best.

Between his last day with them and today, he bought himself a puppy. I am severely allergic to dogs. ExH knows this and has been with me when I've had bad reactions before. They've been home for 30 minutes and I've already had to take antihistamines and an inhaler to cope with the rash and difficulty breathing. I'm still very uncomfortable. Obviously I've sent them off to have showers and put their clothes in the wash.

AIBU to think:

  • If he can afford a puppy then he can afford to pay CM
  • He could at least make other arrangements for the puppy for the two days a month he sees his children, to avoid putting their mother in hospital?
OP posts:
Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 17:48

To add to this, DS has been bitten by dogs several times and is understandably scared of them. Getting a puppy is a bloody stupid thing for ExH to do really, especially as he lives alone and can't take a dog to work.

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 06/02/2022 17:51

How and where has your son been bitten by dogs multiple times?!

Teacupsandtoast · 06/02/2022 17:51

Why is he not paying CM? Pursue him on that. The request re the dog....don't think you can enforce that sadly

ANameChangeAgain · 06/02/2022 17:52

Has it put you in hospital?
I have a really bad cat allergy, and if my children have been around a cat I pop their clothes in the wash as soon as they come in and take an antihistamine. Can you not just do the same along with a shower? I would never ban my children from fussing cats because of my allergy, so it seems a shame that your children aren't allowed to play with their father's puppy.

Floralnomad · 06/02/2022 17:54

He’s entitled to have a dog and where do you suggest he puts it when he has his children ? The fact that he pays no maintenance is an unrelated fact that you should be dealing with

FlasherMcGruff · 06/02/2022 17:55

Can’t pay CM but will find it for dog food and will somehow pay vet’s bills. Has he bought this dog to spite you?

ANameChangeAgain · 06/02/2022 17:55

Also, what will you do if, like many schools, your dcs' school get a school dog?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2022 17:57

Have you gone through CMS for maintenance?

Where do you want to him to put the puppy when he has them?

He sounds irresponsible and unreasonable so he’s not likely to listen to you and might want a reaction from you. But if DS doesn’t want to be around the dog he can say he’s not going for contact there and ask to see his dad out of the house.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 17:57

Hmm he definitely should be paying CM. It does sound like he shouldn't have a dog if he ant look after it, but I suppose that's just your point of view.

I am not a fan of people not being able to do things because of their ex. He could cut down the impact on you. Changing them into clean clothes before they come home etc.

If your child is scared of dogs there's 2 trains of thought. That getting a puppy (as long as its all done correctly) can help. Some people like you, think it's a bad idea. But he isn't you.

Its hard to judge because we are only hearing this through your pov re welfare and impact on your child.

Its very difficult and I don't know what the answer is.

Confused about your title though, won't the kids be in his home? Where did he take the dog?

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 17:58

You can’t begrudge him getting a dog, that’s just spiteful.

Obviously the kids are ok and puppy might actually help your son overcome his fear (and how on earth has he been bitten multiple times?!)
Also as pp said a lot of schools have dogs now.

I think this is more about you being pissed off that he can get a puppy but doesn’t pay child maintenance in which case go through child maintenance service.

Tsuni · 06/02/2022 17:59

@ANameChangeAgain

Also, what will you do if, like many schools, your dcs' school get a school dog?
Are school dogs a thing now?! How is that possible when there will be children with allergies and phobias? It doesn't sound like it can work.

Pursue CM, op.

WheelieBinPrincess · 06/02/2022 17:59

That sounds extreme. How many times has secondhand contact with an animal put you in hospital? And your DS been bitten by random dogs several times? How?

Sadly idiots get dogs all the time, but they’re within their rights to do so whether they pay child maintenance or not.

MiniatureHotdog · 06/02/2022 18:00

You can't police what pets he has unfortunately. Plus surely your DC will bond with the puppy and enjoy having a pet? Of course he can't send the puppy elsewhere for 2 days at a time that's a silly idea.

As pp has said you're just going to have to manage it, clothes in the wash when they get home and jump in the shower.

sandgrown · 06/02/2022 18:01

At the moment puppies cost a fortune (£££) get an application in to CMS . Keep records of ant spending you are aware of on things like pets , cars and holidays do you can ask for a variation if he lies about his income . Don’t think you can stop him having a dog but he should pay for his children

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 18:01

bloody stupid thing for ExH to do really, especially as he lives alone and can't take a dog to work.

Lots of people work and have dogs. Lots of people get a dog because they live alone. I think you’re being pretty unfair actually, it’s not like the dog is anywhere near you.

Gizacluethen · 06/02/2022 18:02

Unfortunately YABU. They'll just have to strip and shower as soon as they come in from now on

Gowithme · 06/02/2022 18:02

He should pay CM if he can afford a puppy - but by the sounds of it he has no idea about owning a puppy. He shouldn't have a dog if he is out at work all day - that's going to be a disaster as it will wee and poo everywhere and be extremely lonely - dogs are pack animals. It's likely it will get very bored and destructive and then probably be dumped on a rescue.

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 18:03

Are school dogs a thing now?! How is that possible when there will be children with allergies and phobias?

I asked my sons school this because the school dog was a bloody nightmare. Apparently ‘children will come across dogs in the street and it’s no different’

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 18:06
  1. He should pay cms.
  1. You can't control what he does.
  1. You know know that he has a dog, so damage limitations. Strip the children right by the front door wearing mask and gloves. Then everything washed straight away. Take antihistamines before they come back. Do whatever other precautions you do when you go for a walk and encounter people with dogs
Blossomtoes · 06/02/2022 18:07

He should obviously pay CM. But that puppy might well cure your child of their dog phobia - so that’s a good thing surely?

ANameChangeAgain · 06/02/2022 18:08

@Tsuni its alwasy been a thing, at least around here. At dcs' primary school one of the teachers used to take in her dog to be class buddy. Now they are senior school age therebare two official school dogs. They are in intervention, student welfare, with the head teacher or learning support most of the time. Its good that schools introduce dogs to children who would otherwise have no contact, otherwise how would someone with dog phobia cope around guide or support dogs? I don't know the answer to allergies apart from antihistamines.

NewYearCalavicci · 06/02/2022 18:09

A couple of questions -
What do you mean by leave the puppy at home does he bring it with him when he picks up/ drops off your DCs ?

How has your DC been bitten multiple times ? was it the same dog ? a random one ?

Having a pup around , providing its done very slowly and carefully may help your DC get use to been around dogs

He is your ex , you cant decide what he does in his own home .

I think the best way forward would be to send a spare set of clothes with your DC and tell them to get changed just before they leave his house and make sure they dont touch the pup after getting changed .

The CM is a different issue and you should chase that with vigour

ANameChangeAgain · 06/02/2022 18:09

Lots of typos, I'm blaming the crap Internet.

NewYearCalavicci · 06/02/2022 18:11

Ah x post with @AlDanvers

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 18:11

You don’t live together. What if your kids go to play at a house with a dog?