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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should leave the puppy at home?

67 replies

RishiRich · 06/02/2022 17:46

ExH and I have been divorced for years but have 2 DC together. He has them two days a month, pays no CM and contact is shaky at best.

Between his last day with them and today, he bought himself a puppy. I am severely allergic to dogs. ExH knows this and has been with me when I've had bad reactions before. They've been home for 30 minutes and I've already had to take antihistamines and an inhaler to cope with the rash and difficulty breathing. I'm still very uncomfortable. Obviously I've sent them off to have showers and put their clothes in the wash.

AIBU to think:

  • If he can afford a puppy then he can afford to pay CM
  • He could at least make other arrangements for the puppy for the two days a month he sees his children, to avoid putting their mother in hospital?
OP posts:
BurntO · 06/02/2022 18:15

He should be paying child maintenance. he is allowed to get a dog

HangOnToYourself · 06/02/2022 18:17

He should be paying cm, have you pursued this officially?

WRT the dog you cant expect him never to have a dog again that is unreasonable however between you you can work out precautions such as sending clean clothes to be kept in the car until they are ready to leave and then shower them when they get home. I have a severe peanut allergy but dont expect my ex never to eat or feed my ds peanuts but we are cautious and reasonable (avoids peanut butter on the day he is coming back, warns me when he has had nuts and makes sure any nut based spills are cleaned off him etc).

Buildingthefuture · 06/02/2022 18:23

Your child is incredibly unlucky to have been “bitten by dogs several times”? And no, you can’t stop your ex having a dog. You can however pursue him through the courts for maintenance which he should of course be paying.

tillytown · 06/02/2022 18:24

If the kids are scared of dogs then having one in the family that they can get used to is a great idea. The kids will need to shower and change their clothes before coming near you to protect you.
Child maintenance is a completely different issue to the dog. Why isn't he paying it?

Blossom64265 · 06/02/2022 18:24

You should pursue him for maintenance.

You likely can’t stop him from endangering your health and your kids are going to pay the price for it which is his fault. There isn’t any way around that. I work very hard to minimize the impact of my allergies on my child, but she does have to make some concessions to keep me alive.

Since you know the kids will be a vector when they arrive home, I would have them strip immediately and put all the clothing and shoes they are wearing into bags that go back to dad’s for him to wash. They should be wearing things he bought them anyway since it’s his parenting time. Then straight into showers.

For the clothing you send them in, I would ask them to change when they get to his house and bring it back. Get nice heavy duty bags for that.

Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 18:28

DS has been bitten 3 times. Once he was scooting along a path, an off-lead dog ran past him, turned round, chased him, knocked him off his scooter to the ground and bit him. The second time was SIL's dog. I wasn't there so don't know exactly what happened. Third time was at parkrun when an off-lead dog chased him and bit his arm. On the two occasions I was present he was minding his own business and didn't do anything to provoke an attack.

His school does have a dog but it's hypoallergenic and DS doesn't have to go anywhere near him unless he wants to. So far, he's not wanted to.

ExH lives 200 miles away so they don't go to his house. He just takes them out for the day. I'd like him to leave the dog with whoever looks after it during the day when he's working.

The CMS are supposed to collect the money from him and then pay me. He doesn't pay them so I just get a letter from the CMS saying he hasn't paid but they'll do everything they can to get it from him Hmm I suppose the two issues aren't directly related but it just builds a picture of a Disney dad who will go on skiing holidays and buy a puppy but takes absolutely no thought or care for prioritising what his children actually need.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 06/02/2022 18:36

Sad and bad all round. only seeing his children two days a month, not comunicating well,,not paying child maintainance, and buying a puppy and being out at work all day.. everything is wrong and awful !

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 06/02/2022 18:39

@Floralnomad

He’s entitled to have a dog and where do you suggest he puts it when he has his children ? The fact that he pays no maintenance is an unrelated fact that you should be dealing with
No one is 'entitled' to own a pet. Disgusting attitude.
Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 18:43

@halfsiesonapotnoodle so he shouldn’t have a dog because his ex wife is allergic. Confused

Blossomtoes · 06/02/2022 18:45

[quote Wolfiefan]@halfsiesonapotnoodle so he shouldn’t have a dog because his ex wife is allergic. Confused[/quote]
You couldn’t make it up. I’m not buying two completely unprovoked dog bites either.

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 18:50

Being bitten by a dog is rare.
Being bitten by 3 dogs is practically unheard of. Why would they go for him and not anyone else about?

I have a snappy dog, she used to be fine until kids would grab at her, pet her and try to pick her up despite me saying no. Now she has to wear a harness saying leave her alone because parents don’t teach their kids to ask if they can pet a dog, it doesn’t work but at least I’ve taken responsibility. Anyway, I think it’s a very rare case of an aggressive dog being off a lead or a non aggressive dog biting.

Assuming these 3 incidents went to court? What did the owners say?

Kite22 · 06/02/2022 18:53

YABU re the puppy.

How many times has secondhand contact with an animal put you in hospital?
You must have to pass dogs all the time. Presumably some of your colleagues have dogs, and some of the other people you come into contact with daily. You have said your SiL has a dog and clearly your dc are allowed to see her. At least in this situation you can get the dc to strip off when they come in and you will know to take an anti- histamine when they are due home.

And your DS been bitten by random dogs several times? How?

This does sound incredibly unlikely unlucky, I have to say.

The CM situation and the patchy contact are not good enough, but, on the question of the puppy, YABU.

Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 18:54

I wish he hadn't been bitten and wasn't scared of dogs, but he was and is. He honestly did absolutely nothing to provoke a bite either time I was there. He wasn't even looking at the dogs in question 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's got 341 days in the year to have a puppy. He (hopefully) has arrangements in place for when he's at work and can't look after it, so I don't see why he can't use these arrangements twice a month when he travels to see his children.

To PPs who have asked, yes I have previously been hospitalised due to secondary contact with dogs. I'm not the nutter from another thread who insisted that her neighbours weren't allowed dogs though Smile The neighbours on both sides of us have dogs but I don't come into contact with them.

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 18:56

so I don't see why he can't use these arrangements twice a month when he travels to see his children

Maybe he thinks it’s nice for the kids to have a dog?

Chichimcgee · 06/02/2022 18:57

Why does he live so far away did one of you move?

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 18:59

There's no such thing, really, as a hypoallergenic dog.

You mean its non shedding.

Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 19:00

It's nice for the kids to have food to eat and clothes to wear but he doesn't bother with anything as boring as that. He lives so far away because he moved that far when the DC were about 7 and 4. He's never told me why.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 19:13

You don’t like him.
You think he’s a shit father.
You think he shouldn’t have a dog.
We get that.
Doggy daycare often isn’t open at the weekend. He may not want to leave the dog behind.
Get the kids to shower and put clothes in the wash when they get back. Take an antihistamine before they return?

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 19:32

I don't think any is disputing he sou ds like a dick not paying CMS or seei f them more.

Its shit being the one to pick up the slack. I know, I am doing it.

However, that doesn't mean he is wrong t and you are right in every situation.

Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 19:42

Fair enough. I do think all of the above and that does tend to think everything he does is because he's an utter arse because it's true. FGS though, why a puppy?! I'll make sure to load up on the antihistamines, follow the strip-and-wash protocol when the DC come home and smile through gritted teeth when they tell me about dear doggie weeing on their brand new coats. The DC are already in counselling to help them deal with his disgraceful parenting so it's just one more thing on the list.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 19:45

You will make it worse for them if you demonise him and all his decisions though.

Original poster
RishiRich · 06/02/2022 19:53

I keep my feelings about him to myself and take care to big up the good things that he does, encourage contact etc.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 06/02/2022 19:55

I bet they are well aware of how you feel.

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/02/2022 19:56

Yes Dh can have a dog but lets not kid ourselves he is thinking of the children.. My son is phobic of dogs. I wouldn't get adog because my ds is phobic.

Puppies are naturally nippy. It won't help Ds.

However ex isn't going to listen. I would take an antihistamine before they return hop in the shower as soon as they return.

KimDeals · 06/02/2022 20:01

@RishiRich slight derail OP I’m sorry, I wanted to ask you what does the CMS do next? I’ve just opened a case for CM from my Children’s’ dad. After four weeks I was notified this morning of my login/application number (meant to be within five days) … so it’s slowly progressing. What are the next steps for you, given he’s not paying? Don’t you have to open a case or something ?

Totally get how frustrating your whole situation is. My children have allergies and it’s so hard to get people to understand the impact of them.