Page 3 | To think he should leave the puppy at home?

RishiRich · 2022-02-06T17:46:57+00:00

ExH and I have been divorced for years but have 2 DC together. He has them two days a month, pays no CM and contact is shaky at best. Between his last day with them and today, he bought himself a puppy. I am severely allergic to dogs. ExH knows this and has been with me when I've had bad reactions before. They've been home for 30 minutes and I've already had to take antihistamines and an inhaler to cope with the rash and difficulty breathing. I'm still very uncomfortable. Obviously I've sent them off to have showers and put their clothes in the wash. AIBU to think: - If he can afford a puppy then he can afford to pay CM - He could at least make other arrangements for the puppy for the two days a month he sees his children, to avoid putting their mother in hospital?

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2022 20:05

Keep track of your reaction to the dog. If you end up back in court for any reason request that him not brining the dog to contact given your reaction is included in the order.

Ask CMS do move to collect and pay and include the arrears...

Original poster

RishiRich · 06/02/2022 20:09

That's ok. I had to prove to the CMS that he wasn't paying before they changed my case to collect & pay. I sent them bank statements but it took months rather than weeks for them to look at it and make a decision. He asked them for a weekly payment arrangement, which held things up for another couple of weeks. So now he's supposed to pay them the base amount + 10%. They pocket 14% and pay me the rest. So far, he's paid nothing so I just get weekly letters. The next step would normally be for them to take it up with his employer so the payment comes directly out of his wages through the PAYE system. However, he's self-employed so goodness knows. I can't imagine I'll ever see a penny of it TBH.

OP posts:

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 06/02/2022 20:33

Not the same situation OP but I have a very similar story.

My dad disappeared 150 miles away when I was around the same age your DC are now. He saw us sporadically at best and paid no maintenance.

My mum at the time was highly allergic to long haired cats, he had brought home a long haired kitten once and she ended up in resisting with a massive asthma attack.

Anyway after he had been gone about 6 months he rocks up at our house with..... a long haired kitten!! She was back in hospital within a week and we rehomed the kitten.

Moral of the story: either men don't think or men are out to do us in 😂

In this case you can't really dictate if he has a dog or not. But take antihistamines when the DC are due home and make sure they change and shower before any contact with them.

Curiousmouse · 06/02/2022 23:01

Well he's a selfish arsehole.

newnameforthis76 · 07/02/2022 02:31

I don’t think anyone should be expected to choose their pets, or the way they choose to look after them, based on the preferences of someone they are no longer married to. And if your DS is nervous of dogs, it will be good for him to spend some time with one and get used to them.

Moreover, if you work, shop, sit in cafes, travel, or basically ever go anywhere at all where you are near other people, you will be have been near people who own dogs very regularly anyway, so this isn’t really any different.

If your ex doesn’t pay maintenance for his kids, that’s an entirely separate issue and needs dealing with. But I think you’re projecting a whole lot of other stuff on to the dog thing to be honest. It sounds a lot more as if you’ve got a whole lot of issues about your separation and are channelling them into this one thing.

It does seem a weird coincidence that your child just happens to have been bitten three times by random dogs when you also just happen to be allergic to them. Most people never get bitten by a dog in their entire lives, let alone three times before they even reach adulthood, and that’s people who don’t live with a parent who actively avoids dogs like you do. It would be bizarre that your child is being bitten this often even if he had close contact with dogs every day, but it’s absolutely beyond strange that this happens to a child whose parent ensures their contact with dogs is minimal.

DropYourSword · 07/02/2022 02:41

He absolutely should be paying CM
He is perfectly entitled to get a dog

twominutesmore · 07/02/2022 07:37

He sounds like a terrible dad, to have moved so far away, to only see them for two days each month and to avoid paying cm.

However, I don't think anyone should be able to tell an ex whether they can have a pet or not. If xh tried to tell me that I couldn't have a dog I think I'd laugh.

As pp have said, it is no different to them coming into contact on a playdate or somewhere else - shower, wash clothes, antihistamine.

And I don't think he's necessarily a bad owner either. We don't know how well the dog is cared for. As a self employed person he may be able to wfh, pop home throughout the day or take it with him.

But a rubbish dad, yes.

KimDeals · 07/02/2022 07:51

@DropYourSword

1) He absolutely should be paying CM 2) He is perfectly entitled to get a dog

He is bringing the puppy with with the kids on a day trip (so they are all stuffed into a car together)

Of course he can have a dog but he can put some distance between the dog and OP, but he clearly doesn’t give a shit.

afizzysweet · 07/02/2022 08:30

I don't think you can stop him getting a dog. Your allergies are for you to manage, the same as you would if your kids went to a friend's house that had a dog.

If you'd like to help your son get over his phobia, there is a company called Kids Around Dogs that support children with overcoming their fear of dogs in a gentle way that isn't overwhelming at all. As a child that used to be scared of dogs...they're really hard to avoid and it's not a nice thing, being scared on every walk you go on.

CM is another issue.

twominutesmore · 07/02/2022 17:52

"He is bringing the puppy with with the kids on a day trip (so they are all stuffed into a car together)

Of course he can have a dog but he can put some distance between the dog and OP, but he clearly doesn’t give a shit."

He probably thinks the kids enjoy seeing the puppy, and doesn't want to leave it at home for an extended period.

He probably also thinks op can take an antihistamine like she would if kids went to anywhere else where a dog was present, or op ended up in a room with a guide dog, or a dog was behind them in a queue somewhere.

KimDeals · 08/02/2022 14:06

@twominutesmore

"He is bringing the puppy with with the kids on a day trip (so they are all stuffed into a car together)

Of course he can have a dog but he can put some distance between the dog and OP, but he clearly doesn’t give a shit."

He probably thinks the kids enjoy seeing the puppy, and doesn't want to leave it at home for an extended period.

He probably also thinks op can take an antihistamine like she would if kids went to anywhere else where a dog was present, or op ended up in a room with a guide dog, or a dog was behind them in a queue somewhere.

Im sure he is thinking the kids would like to see the pup. And also doesn’t give a damn that the level of dander transfer in car is enough to set her off. It’s not remotely the same as standing behind a guide dog!!! That’s ridiculous.

My child has a severe animal dander allergy and unfortunately I know all too well how bad it can get and can be triggered from secondary contact.

He is her ex husband so he’s obviously aware she has an allergy, and he doesn’t give a shit.

Some people really do not get how dangerous allergies are to other people.

twominutesmore · 08/02/2022 14:37

"He is her ex husband so he’s obviously aware she has an allergy, and he doesn’t give a shit. "

No he might not give a shit. He is living his life without recourse to his ex, as many of us do. He lived with her so knows the allergy can be controlled with an antihistamine, as op has confirmed. It seems rather 'sledgehammer to crack a nut' to say he shouldn't allow the children to meet the dog.

KimDeals · 08/02/2022 14:52

@twominutesmore

"He is her ex husband so he’s obviously aware she has an allergy, and he doesn’t give a shit. "

No he might not give a shit. He is living his life without recourse to his ex, as many of us do. He lived with her so knows the allergy can be controlled with an antihistamine, as op has confirmed. It seems rather 'sledgehammer to crack a nut' to say he shouldn't allow the children to meet the dog.

Needing antihistamines and an inhaler after secondary contact is a severe reaction and it’s dangerous - and reactions are not consistent! Jesus I wish people could get their heads around that allergies are not trivial and it’s not all solved with an antihistamine.

But hey he’s living his life so it’s OK.

twominutesmore · 08/02/2022 17:55

"But hey he’s living his life so it’s OK."

Well yes. There's a limit to how much one should consider an ex. Her allergy is for her to manage. He's allowed to buy a dog, to introduce it to his kids and to take it in his car. Unbelievable to me that anyone thinks my xh should have a say in whether I get a pet and where I'm allowed to take it.

KimDeals · 08/02/2022 18:13

@twominutesmore

"But hey he’s living his life so it’s OK."

Well yes. There's a limit to how much one should consider an ex. Her allergy is for her to manage. He's allowed to buy a dog, to introduce it to his kids and to take it in his car. Unbelievable to me that anyone thinks my xh should have a say in whether I get a pet and where I'm allowed to take it.

We all have a different moral compass for how to treat other humans, regardless of them being an ex or not. She has a medical condition.

It wouldn’t kill him to not take the dog on the day trip. It’s not about him not having a dog (Jesus this is exhausting…). Not coming back to reply.

takingmytimeonmyride · 08/02/2022 18:21

@Chichimcgee

Being bitten by a dog is rare. Being bitten by 3 dogs is practically unheard of. Why would they go for him and not anyone else about?

I have a snappy dog, she used to be fine until kids would grab at her, pet her and try to pick her up despite me saying no. Now she has to wear a harness saying leave her alone because parents don’t teach their kids to ask if they can pet a dog, it doesn’t work but at least I’ve taken responsibility. Anyway, I think it’s a very rare case of an aggressive dog being off a lead or a non aggressive dog biting.

Assuming these 3 incidents went to court? What did the owners say?

I've been bitten twice. Both times as a teenager. First time a dog was out on its own. It approached me and snapped, got my leg. I thought it was being friendly, so wasn't too afraid of it approaching me, but no, it wanted to take a chunk out of me.

Second time, I was on my paper round. Dog was out on its own. It saw me, ran and snapped at my leg. Owner most apologetic, let me in her house to clean my wound. Next day, dog is out on its own and runs at me. I drop my bag of papers and run. It stops at the bag luckily. Fuck knows what the owner was doing let it roam the streets.

Never been bitten since, but alway been wary of dogs that run towards me, especially if they bark too.

OP, your DH is an arse for numerous reasons. If he can't even look after his kids for more than a few days a year why the hell does anyone think he should have a dog?

twominutesmore · 08/02/2022 18:31

"Not coming back to reply."

Thank goodness. The constant repetition of the same opinion and inability to comprehend that he might not be able to yet leave a young puppy home alone is exhausting.

If op says she can cope with an antihistamine and the kids showering, then it seems it is all resolved.