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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel scared of family court?

71 replies

Anon778833 · 06/02/2022 10:33

I've posted about my ex a lot and I've tried really hard to get on with him without having to go to court but it's impossible. At what point do you decide it's best to get something legal in place?

We have a 2 year old daughter. I have ongoing problems with him including him trying to talk to me all day every day, hugging me at hand overs. He also blows up at me over things to do with our daughter. Every time she hurts herself, it's my fault. If she has a cold he's harassing me about what to do to treat it and telling me not to let her eat x, y or z.

I asked him to use My Family Wizard which is a court approved app and he refuses.

He's a covid denier / anti vaxxer. Our daughter has had covid symptoms the last week and I took her for a PCR test as there has been an outbreak at nursery. He's blown up at me about that.

In addition, he is supposed to collect our daughter every Saturday and bring her back on Sundays. Every week, I ask him what time he is picking her up and he says he doesn't know. He ends up picking her up a different time every week.

I've had enough of the stress he causes me and he makes me feel unwell. I'm also autistic and I don't cope very well with emotional stress.

I've heard so many bad stories about FC and how judges are often biased against women that I'm reluctant to do that but I can't see any other way that I can get him out if my life and texts and still have a relationship with our daughter.

OP posts:
QuirkyTurtle · 06/02/2022 10:36

Can you not keep exchanges limited to nursery pickups? If she goes to nursery that is.

We limit face to face contact with my stepson's mum as much as possible to avoid conflict.

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 10:38

I remember a previous thread, this will only stop when you insist on a court order!

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 10:51

I have tried to limit contact by suggesting that my mum takes dd at drop off but he kicks off about that too 🤦🏻‍♀️

Is FC really bad? I heard that you can sometimes get things agreed at mediation stage.

AndSoFinally · 06/02/2022 11:02

Even if you get a court order stating pick up/drop off times you can't make him stick to it. However, if he is supposed to pick up by 11 and isn't there by 12, I guess you could go out?

I'm not sure a court order will fix this unless you are prepared to put your foot down, but you could do that anyway and aren't so will it change anything?

AndSoFinally · 06/02/2022 11:03

And FC isn't a bad thing, but yes, you will need to at least attempt mediation first so you could start there

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 11:06

@AndSoFinally

Even if you get a court order stating pick up/drop off times you can't make him stick to it. However, if he is supposed to pick up by 11 and isn't there by 12, I guess you could go out?

I'm not sure a court order will fix this unless you are prepared to put your foot down, but you could do that anyway and aren't so will it change anything?

I have said we need to stick to a time every week and he accuses me of being difficult. When you say put my foot down what do you mean? I've tried telling him I only want to communicate via the app and he seems to feel that he can force me to be on daily texting terms with him.

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 11:15

Block him on your phone. He can email or use the app you will check it the day before he picks up only.

You can even state that if he doesn't pick up by 10am you will no longer make DD available for contact.

You only role is to make DD available for contact at a certain time and yes it should be the same every week.

Stop listening to him stop responding to him.

He has no right to text or phone you at all.

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 11:16

Poor your foot down = blocking him on your phone and only using the app.

Yes he will be nasty and use emotional blackmail on you but he is the wrong.

VelvetChairGirl · 06/02/2022 11:20

@AndSoFinally

And FC isn't a bad thing, but yes, you will need to at least attempt mediation first so you could start there
yes do that, we did that via SAFE team, he didnt stick to anything agreed and buggered off by his own volition because he wasnt getting his own way.

no court.

millymolls · 06/02/2022 11:33

Tell him you child will be available to collect between a certain time. If he’s not there during that time. Go out
Just keep a record of it

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 12:03

In emails he is even more toxic and bullying. I want to get something which says we have to use the app because it keeps everything about the child.

PonyPatter44 · 06/02/2022 12:11

You can't force him to use the app, though. I would suggest you get it, set it all up, and then send one last text. Tell him here is the app, password is whatever, you will not be contacting him via text any more... send the text and then block his number.

That way, you've done the right thing, but you're not playing his silly games any more. Same with contact. Tell him he can collect her between 10 and 11. At 11.05, put your coats on and go out for a couple of hours.

This way, if it DOES end up in court, you can show you've done exactly all the right things, to provide structure and stability for your DD. That is really all the FC cares about. They don't care about parents in that sense- they are focused on what is best for the child.

poetryandwine · 06/02/2022 12:21

In this situation FC is likely to help you.

Start by requesting mediation. The mediator will support your right to live free of harassment and will support the need for pre-arranged pick ups, etc. If your ex refuses mediation that will count in your favour.

It would be a good idea to keep a record of all harassing texts and emails. His anti-vax stance will not find favour at court, either, even if it cannot formally be taken into account.

If you can afford to talk your concerns thru with a solicitor (some give a free 30 min consultation) I think you will feel much better about the idea of FC.

cherryonthecakes · 06/02/2022 12:29

Nobody can force him to use the app.

I would get a Child Arrangement Order sorted. It will say exactly which times and which days you need to make your daughter available for her dad. If he doesn't turn up then you can go out and he misses his time. It won't force him to pick her up but you'll be able to say no to contact if it's not his day and he can't just turn up when it suits him. How are you and your dd supposed to live a life like that ?

He's clearly using contact to try and control you when it's for the child's benefit. If you do get a CAO then you need to be strong when he tries to have contact at a different time or calls you names like difficult. "the court decided this is fair" or "take the matter back to court if you're unhappy" are the sort of things you need to say.

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 12:33

The app is all set up and I've put information that he needs to know on there including when to pick her up. He refuses to use it because he says it's 'American' 🤔 he also thinks it's being used to track him.

I just want to arrange contact time so that I don't have to speak to him. He is still trying to make me go on days out with him.

I want to feel more secure that he's going to pick her up at the time we say but will also bring her back.

GiltEdges · 06/02/2022 13:05

@Itsnotover

The app is all set up and I've put information that he needs to know on there including when to pick her up. He refuses to use it because he says it's 'American' 🤔 he also thinks it's being used to track him.

I just want to arrange contact time so that I don't have to speak to him. He is still trying to make me go on days out with him.

I want to feel more secure that he's going to pick her up at the time we say but will also bring her back.

OP you seem very fixated on making him use the app, but in reality even a court can’t force him to actually do it, in the same way they can order a schedule for contact but can’t determine whether he’ll actually turn up.

My advice would be to pick a method of contact he’s already using i.e. either email or text and tell him that you’ll only be using that single method going forwards. If it’s text, I’d probably look to get a second phone/number and keep a basic phone for communicating with him, which you can turn off/ignore at all other times. If email, set up a rule so that all emails from him go to a folder where you can access them at times that suit you. Either way, you absolutely can take back some control by not dreading when the next communication will be, because you’ll be able to decide.

poetryandwine · 06/02/2022 13:05

It’s great that you’ve set up the app, OP.

Sadly your ex’s comment that it could be used to track him is so bizarre that if you have this in writing you should save it, because if you need to build a court case it will be a good piece of evidence

GiltEdges · 06/02/2022 13:06

Also, push ahead with the mediation.

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 14:00

I don't want to speak to him via email because he sends long messages that are designed to stress me. Why should I have to read it answer these emails?

I'm not fixated on making him use an app. I just think if he wants to see his daughter he'll use it.

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 14:01

Yes I will push ahead with mediation. It seems like the only option.

QuirkyTurtle · 06/02/2022 14:29

I think you may need to meet him halfway here. If he is happy to stick to email rather than instant messaging then that may be a good first step.

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 15:21

Do you have a friend or family member that can read the emails and just ask you about the key things such as he'd like to pick up/drop off at x time is that ok?

By emailing you that abusive crap it's more evidence why on shuttle mediation is appropriate because he is abusive towards you.

TBH I would block him on everything and tell him you will no longer agree to the current contact arrangements due to his ongoing abuse. That he can book and arrange shuttle mediation or get a contact order.

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 17:37

@QuirkyTurtle I've put up with him stressing me for months to try to make sure our daughter sees him. He makes me very depressed and anxious. He doesn't just email me about timings and ignores my requests.

@RandomMess I don't know. I'll just contact someone tomorrow and see if we can get something in place.

RandomMess · 06/02/2022 17:40

He is harassing and abusing you. Please block him on everything but the app.

Itsnotover · 06/02/2022 18:06

@RandomMess I have now. Thank you.