To feel scared of family court?

[Anon778833]

I've posted about my ex a lot and I've tried really hard to get on with him without having to go to court but it's impossible. At what point do you decide it's best to get something legal in place?

We have a 2 year old daughter. I have ongoing problems with him including him trying to talk to me all day every day, hugging me at hand overs. He also blows up at me over things to do with our daughter. Every time she hurts herself, it's my fault. If she has a cold he's harassing me about what to do to treat it and telling me not to let her eat x, y or z.

I asked him to use My Family Wizard which is a court approved app and he refuses.

He's a covid denier / anti vaxxer. Our daughter has had covid symptoms the last week and I took her for a PCR test as there has been an outbreak at nursery. He's blown up at me about that.

In addition, he is supposed to collect our daughter every Saturday and bring her back on Sundays. Every week, I ask him what time he is picking her up and he says he doesn't know. He ends up picking her up a different time every week.

I've had enough of the stress he causes me and he makes me feel unwell. I'm also autistic and I don't cope very well with emotional stress.

I've heard so many bad stories about FC and how judges are often biased against women that I'm reluctant to do that but I can't see any other way that I can get him out if my life and texts and still have a relationship with our daughter.

I have said we need to stick to a time every week and he accuses me of being difficult. When you say put my foot down what do you mean? I've tried telling him I only want to communicate via the app and he seems to feel that he can force me to be on daily texting terms with him.

Stick to your terms. Communicate only via the app and ignore anything else. Give him a pick up time and then be out if he's not there 30 minutes after the time has passed and hasn't communicated with a bloody good excuse.

People will treat you the way you let yourself be treated

You need to offer eow op. Don't set up every week end. When your dd starts school you should have a week end with her also!
Sounds like a judge would be better to order contact than you try to negotiate with a twat.

@poetryandwine

In this situation FC is likely to help you.

Start by requesting mediation. The mediator will support your right to live free of harassment and will support the need for pre-arranged pick ups, etc. If your ex refuses mediation that will count in your favour.

It would be a good idea to keep a record of all harassing texts and emails. His anti-vax stance will not find favour at court, either, even if it cannot formally be taken into account.

If you can afford to talk your concerns thru with a solicitor (some give a free 30 min consultation) I think you will feel much better about the idea of FC.

My ex tried to use the fact I didn’t allow nasal flu vaccine to my daughter and also bought up I wouldn’t have the covid jab the judge gave him a telling off for being controlling and that it had nothing to do with my parenting abilities. We are allowed to choose what is best for your child so you are very wrong on that one. Also , they will just give a court order and it can get nasty so one prepared and they are very pro dad contact so not showing up on time is nothing on the grand scheme of things and e way he dictates to him they will probably just maybe tell him off for him being controlling and that’s it. He will probably get every other weekend and half holidays if he wants. It’s a good idea for stability though

@Chippingbird23 I'm not trying to stop contact. Sorry, what do you mean I'm wrong? You think I'm wrong for taking my child for a PCR text? If he's an antivaxxer that's up to him but he can't stop me testing dd if that needs to happen. I've never demanded he has the Covid vaccine.

[quote Itsnotover]@Chippingbird23 I'm not trying to stop contact. Sorry, what do you mean I'm wrong? You think I'm wrong for taking my child for a PCR text? If he's an antivaxxer that's up to him but he can't stop me testing dd if that needs to happen. I've never demanded he has the Covid vaccine.[/quote]
No you are right he can’t but he has the right to voice his opinion as he is the father too and the courts can tell who is tries to control the children the most. The days where women think they are above the children’s father are gone. Plus you’d be surprised how many professionals have declined this particular mRNA vaccin so why call him anti vaxxer? What’s that got to do with his ability to parent? Nothing at all. I’m guessing he is fine with all other vaccine just because he has views that many others have from all different background and professionals. Go to court but don’t expect them to give you a pay on the pay and say yes mum you do everything your way. He has rights too for his child. He doesn’t sound like he is a bad dad either maybe a twat to you but that’s your views on him and maybe unreliable with time so have to get that sorted I agree.

He isn’t going to be Out of your life completely either. State you don’t want him to be over friendly with you etc with hugs but and be honest he shouldn’t do that but other than that I would suggest mediation before court, It’s draining for sure but you will at least an orders and be able to state what you want from it all .

I have arranged initial mediation. I don't want to go to court - I just want him to pick her up at the same time each week, drop her back to me on time and leave me alone in between those times. And stop harassing me about every little parenting issue in the week.

@Chippingbird23 to be fair, you sound like an antivaxxer yourself. No reliable professional says that there is anything to be concerned about re: the covid vaccine. And he's against all vaccines, not just the covid ones. I have had to get our daughter's baby ones done without telling him. His adult daughter has cut him out of her life and I can see why. Courts never go against medical advice where the child is concerned.

@Itsnotover

I have arranged initial mediation. I don't want to go to court - I just want him to pick her up at the same time each week, drop her back to me on time and leave me alone in between those times. And stop harassing me about every little parenting issue in the week.

@Chippingbird23 to be fair, you sound like an antivaxxer yourself. No reliable professional says that there is anything to be concerned about re: the covid vaccine. And he's against all vaccines, not just the covid ones. I have had to get our daughter's baby ones done without telling him. His adult daughter has cut him out of her life and I can see why. Courts never go against medical advice where the child is concerned.

As PP have explained, neither you nor the court can make him pick up his Dd on time. As you’ve been told, you need to arrange a time and then go out if he doesn’t turn up or explain why he’s late.

You don’t have to read his long emails and you only have to answer very briefly and in a reasonable timescale if its about your DD. So if he sends you three long emails a day talking about various health theories and how he’s worried about DD, you can answer once a day with one email that stays “ DD is fine. You can see her on Saturday at 10am as discussed ” .

If he send 4 similar emails the next day you don’t to answer.

You don’t have to answer his texts . You have set up the app and he can use email.

You seem to think that a court order will make him do some things and stop him doing others. It won’t.

Nor will it stop him “ kicking off “ if you don’t obey him.

What might stop him doing some things like texting is if you stop answering and block him.

What might stop him harassing you about parenting issues is you stopping discussing with with him.

If you don’t talk to him he won’t know she has cold until he sees her.

@M0RVEN yes, I get where you're coming from. I'm not going to tell him anything any more. I know a court order won't make him do anything but at least from my own side I will have tried to make official arrangements. The timings will be clear from that so he won't have any excuse to keep hassling me.

I've had a first discussion with a mediation service. Am I right that I will not need a solicitor at this stage? Luckily, I am entitled to legal aid because I have a report from my GP which details him trying to force me to stop taking my antidepressants during pregnancy.

I have blocked him on everything and I'm writing messages on the app which state that I will make dd available for contact but that he will pick up and drop off at the set times.

My goodness, that’s very decisive action for one day! Well done girl!

Now just prepare yourself for a push back from him. He will be angry that you are setting boundaries to keep you and DD safe.

Remember you don’t have to reply straight away if he messages you on the app. Take a few hours to think, ask a friend or come on here.

You need to be firm so he doesn't start using the app as his new way to control you.

I know this is very tough for you. I expect your stomach is churning with nerves and fear about what he is going to do next. It’s very hard when he’s spent years training you to do whatever he wants, when he wants it.

Is he likely to turn up unannounced at your home, DDs childcare or your work ?

Is he likely to contact any of your friends and family ?

If so you need a plan for what you will do.

@M0RVEN

My goodness, that’s very decisive action for one day! Well done girl!

Now just prepare yourself for a push back from him. He will be angry that you are setting boundaries to keep you and DD safe.

Remember you don’t have to reply straight away if he messages you on the app. Take a few hours to think, ask a friend or come on here.

You need to be firm so he doesn't start using the app as his new way to control you.

I know this is very tough for you. I expect your stomach is churning with nerves and fear about what he is going to do next. It’s very hard when he’s spent years training you to do whatever he wants, when he wants it.

Is he likely to turn up unannounced at your home, DDs childcare or your work ?

Is he likely to contact any of your friends and family ?

If so you need a plan for what you will do.

Thank you. I am feeling very anxious but I can't go on like this. I haven't seen him parking his car near my house. In the past he has waited in the local supermarket car park then jumped out on me in the shop.

Sometimes he leaves a gap and then expects me to have forgotten about the latest thing he's done. My mum is being as helpful as she can be.

I’m glad that your mum is a support to you.

You need to keep a diary of all these times he jumps out on you. And I’d you can take a photo. - like of his car parked in your street - all the better.

Because if he increases his harassment and / or you feel it’s making you too anxious, you can report him to the police. And they are more likely to act if you have evidence.

Please read these websites

www.suzylamplugh.org/

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/stalking-and-harassment/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/stalking/

I know that all you want is for him to stop hassling you but it’s possible that you might need some help to make this happen.

@M0RVEN

I’m glad that your mum is a support to you.

You need to keep a diary of all these times he jumps out on you. And I’d you can take a photo. - like of his car parked in your street - all the better.

Because if he increases his harassment and / or you feel it’s making you too anxious, you can report him to the police. And they are more likely to act if you have evidence.

Please read these websites

www.suzylamplugh.org/

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/stalking-and-harassment/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/stalking/

I know that all you want is for him to stop hassling you but it’s possible that you might need some help to make this happen.

Yesterday, he sent me a long email trying to guilt trip me, saying he has had a skin cancer scare and that he doesn't need this stress. The email says that he is demanding I seek his consent for every little procedure dd needs to have, otherwise he won't use the coparenting app.

What I do know about what the law says in these matters is that the non-resident parent is to be consulted on important decisions like where the child goes to nursery / school, what religion they have (if any) but that they are not to interfere with day to day parenting and are to leave those things to the parent that the child lives with. I have told him this before. He knows that I would always involve him in important decisions. He has never lived with us and we were never even a proper couple.

Thank you for the website links. Yea

Ignore ignore ignore.

Do not reply to ANYTHING at all just use the app to the bare minimum.

He will up the anti more and go from nice, emotional heart strings to nasty and threatening.

Yesterday, he sent me a long email trying to guilt trip me, saying he has had a skin cancer scare and that he doesn't need this stress. The email says that he is demanding I seek his consent for every little procedure dd needs to have, otherwise he won't use the coparenting app

What I do know about what the law says in these matters is that the non-resident parent is to be consulted on important decisions like where the child goes to nursery / school, what religion they have (if any) but that they are not to interfere with day to day parenting and are to leave those things to the parent that the child lives with. I have told him this before. He knows that I would always involve him in important decisions. He has never lived with us and we were never even a proper couple

Well that’s all great!

Great that he’s put all that in an email. So that if you ever end up in court you can prove that set up a a court recommended app and he refused to use it.

And also also good that you know the legal situation that you don’t have to consult him on every details. So don’t.

Don’t tell him again what the law says, you/are not his free solicitor . He’s perfectly capable of using Google or paying for legal advice.

Don’t comment on his medical issues, you are not his doctor.

Don’t argue with him. He LOVES being able to control you, get your attention, use up your energy and make sure that all your thoughts are on him and of on your own life and DD.

Just ignore all these emails. Stick to the basics on the app

“ I will have DD ready for you to pick up on Saturday at 10am as arranged “.

The if he’s not there by 11 and hasn't messaged you, go out. Put a message on the app saying what you’ve done.

“ We waited in until 11am and you have not turned up or messaged to say why you are late so we are going out . She will be ready next week at 10am “

Then do the same the next week. He will either have to start using the app if he wants to see her. Or not see her at all.

Once he has missed several weeks you can seek advice as to what you should do.

Your job is now to set reasonable boundaries and stick to then. And record every single time he tries to cross these.

As @RandomMess said, he will escalate if you don’t reply. My guess is that you will get

“ Since you have not replied to my emails asking what Dd had for breakfast, I assume she is very ill and I’m very worried about her so you are forcing me to come to your house / pick her up from nursery / go to your mothers house to check she is ok “ .

So that’s why you need a plan for these things.

If she’s in childcare you need to give them a written instruction.

If you are working you need to warn your workplace.

If he comes to your house you don’t let him in. You tell him to leave or you will call the police.

No matter what he says, even if he claims he is dying of cancer right now.

If you let him in , he will do it again and again because it works.

Now although all these things will be very stressful for you, they are useful because they involve other independent parties in witnessing his harassment of you.

And if you are updating the app you can show that you have put all the info that DD is ok and he is the one who chooses not to use it ( how helpful that he’s put that in writing ) and that it’s about harassment.

I understand how frightening he is but the good thing is that he’s stupid.

I've put all correspondence on the app and it's all time stamped so he can't say that I haven't given him the opportunity to collect dd for her contact time. He won't have a leg to stand on.

Thank you for the supportive comments. This time I'm not giving in to his demands.

Pay for our family wizard. Give him the details so he can set up a parent account. Block him everywhere else. Make collection snd drop off times from nursery if at all possible. If he doesn’t turn up The agreed time (30 minute window) if not picking up from nursery then go out.

Would your mum help you with his emails? You forward them unread to her, she tells you only the relevant parts about contact and replies to that only on your behalf

@Oldtiredfedup Family Wizard is the one I have.

If you find OFW isn’t working for you, Talking Parents is pretty good too.

To this day it’s a nightmare getting my abusive ex to communicate on a service that cannot be manipulated to twist what has been said etc. Just stay firm and if he refuses to read your messages/respond then that’s on him, not you.

Yes @Oldtiredfedup, I agree. There is no reason why he should object to the app. He’s come up with a new objection now - it’s ‘American’ 🤔

I’ve shown some of the recent emails to people and they think the tone is threatening. Eg ‘DD IS NOT TO HAVE ANY PROCEDURE WITHOUT MY CONSENT, GOT IT?’

Doesn't matter what app you use he will carry on being objectionable.

Just ignore and block and carry on with using the app.

‘It’s American’

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Code for ‘I don’t want to relinquish any control’